It's about the "today's" that determines our tomorrows

Today....I thought about you....and you stopped my breath, again, in not a good way. Your sms came, but, isn't it a bit too late for that?

Today....I didn't see you. But it's ok.

Today....I talked to you and found out you don't dig Chinese dudes....crap! Maybe you would change your mind someday;) My hopes are to still try out surfing.

Today....I got into plastics. Not just one, but two. And the moment I got them, I swiped them.I hope it will be just for gas. I would have treated you to dinner with them, but maybe not anymore.

Today....I made the company laptop mine. It's about ownership....yeah rite.

Today....I am reminded that it's not just the end-product, but the process, that will always be remembered.

Today....You came into my thoughts, and I knew I felt peace.

Today....would never have happened if I didn't deceide yesterday that tomorrow would be a better day.

Today....I declare that God is still Good.

The Haunting

When the sun sets, and the moon appears....that's when it falls on me like a flood. And sweeps my sanity away.

I grapple with the darkness, just to know that You are there
I listen to the silence, sinking unaware
Go with me, go with me

I wrote this line in my song a few months back for another reason: where do I go after graduation? Those questions kept me restless every night.
But I never knew those lyrics that I wrote would speak to me in a different light, in terms of broken relationships.

It's when the busy-ness of the day slowly wears off and space kicks in, that's when all the emotions hit me like a brick. No matter how hard I try to shut it out, *bam* and I'm down begging for mercy. Begging for grace to last through the night.
I know I will be OK, but when I'm on the floor and helpless, I'm not sure if I will make it through. Sometimes, I'm so afraid that I will snap.... and just lose control of it all.
I do try hard to keep it all inside and out of my mind. I bury it as much as I can....but all it takes is just one memory to unleash the fury of the past.

It haunts me.

I want to let go. I want to move on. But the memories won't let go of me. It eats me from the inside. All the 'what ifs' and 'whys'. I try not to feed it. But you can't always stop hungry dogs. There are times when I am OK....and before I know it, I'm begging again. Vulnerable....

And I see you and you moving on.... And I want to do the same so badly. But I'm still wounded and healing. All those years....where did it go to?





All in all, I still know for sure, that God is good. He has been, He is, and always will be good. And He's got me cornered to that place called 'surrender'. The place where I know I cannot carry on or do it with my own strength. In His time, it will be beautiful...... reason will have its season.

Check mate...

In just a few months, everything feels stripped away. Nothing to hold on to, nothing to hold me back. The slate can't get any cleaner than this!
But why do I find it difficult to let go when I know I have to? There is no other option. If I want to progress on in my life, I need to do this!

At one time I had choices. Now I have only 1 choice : surrender....

The faster, I let go of these, the quicker I get to move on. Once I achieve that, the clearer I get to see things and the fresher my perspective. Then, the easier for me to head in the direction I need to go and achieve my goals.

God, you've got me cornered this time...... I surrender.....

Getting it over with

It's 6.46 am, or so my clock says. I can't sleep anymore. So, I'm up, tweaking with with funky broadband connection. I feel like letting go a stream of vulgarities at the present condition of my broadband, but it will do no use.

I did get my braodband connection after all. After 4 months of no connection, it's finally here. I'm not sure if I'm happy about it, or cry about it. Sometimes, I am so focused on something that when I actually achieve it, the glitter is gone.

There's no use ranting about this here, unless there are a few tech savvy people who are willing to help me out with my so-called broadband line.

Even the best fall down sometimes

I remember you sent me this song, and it has been special since.

Collide by Howie Day

The dawn is breaking

A light shining through

You're barely waking

And I'm tangled up in you

I'm open, you're closed

Where I follow, you'll go

I worry I won't see your face

Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow findYou and I collide

I'm quiet you know

You make a first impression

I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the stars refuse to shine

Out of the back you fall in time

I somehow findYou and I collide

Don't stop here

I lost my place

I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills your mind

You finally find

You and I collide

You finally find

You and I collide

You finally find

You and I collide

Songs that really say what it is

Goodbye, Goodnight by MAE

The nights are getting colder.

The red light's on, it's over.

To give up now doesn't make much sense.

So this is my goodbye.

Surprised, because I thought I could walk you home tonight,

but you're leaving me here on the defense.

Goodbye, I'm not going to waste this time,

this light that burns will keep on fading.

Goodnight, I'm not getting up off of this ride,

I'm holding tight until I can feel alive.

I've written you this letter, got it back return to sender.

But I just can't remember you being quite like that.

Misunderstand, we're holding hands,

we're at the beach, we're throwing sand.

As the lights just go up all around us, I can't believe it's over.

I'm sitting under falling stars.

Do you miss me where you are?

I'm making plans to be with you.

But have they come unglued?

What am I do to without you?

The nights are getting warm again.

They've let you go, I let you in.

Everything you're saying sounds right tonight.

The waves are crashing on and on.

We're running even if we're wrong.

This force is driving me to test the speed of light.

Awakening by MAE

When I close my eyes to this paradox place

I'll fly away, far away from here

I'll get away and dream, dream of you

When it's all said and done

And the night has come

I'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here

Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years

And I'll fly, fly across the sky

And I'll leave, I'll leave it all behind

If you'll be here, here with me tonight

I'll be fine, I'll be fine

I'll be fine

We're So Far Away by MAE

Remembering, everything about my world and when you came.

Wondering if the change you’d bring means nothing else would be the same.

Did you know what you were doing? Did you know?

Did you know how you would move me?

Well, I don’t really think so.

But the night came down and swept us away.

And the stars, they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene today.

How could we know? That song this show.

We'd learn so much about ourselves,

From Toledo to Tokyo, the words were scribed on every page,

And now there’s books up on our shelves.

Did you know how you would move us? Did you know?

When the lights first came upon us and we saw the Everglow.

And the moment's magic swept us away.

And a young man's dream was almost seen so plain.

When was the night that showed us the sign?

Revealed in the sky to leave all behind.

But where to begin? Throwing caution to the wind.

We reached for the stars, Everything was now ours.

Did you know how you would move me? Did you know?

Did you know how you would move me?

Well, I don’t even think so.

But the moment's magic swept us away.

And it’s so close but we’re so far away.

It’s so close but we’re so far away.

So the new year is here..

In desperation, I have applied for a phone line, and it is here already! Streamyx will be coming in a weeks time...I hope.
I hope I can survive paying for the bills. Just installing the line has cost a bomb.


I'm starting this new year with the realization that everything is stripped away, and in His time, it will be beautiful.


How can I lose something that I didn't even own?
How can I break-up with someone that I didn't even get together with?
Why does it hurt so bad?

* Sponsor Wee Liem's Streamyx for 6 months FUND!! *

Excuse my absence and my lack of blogging for the next few weeks, God-forbid, the next few months.

This is my life transition as of today ( view flow chart ) :

In terms of housing location

Cyberjaya ( Cyberia ) -> Kelana Jaya ( House #3, just behind LRT station ) -> USJ12 ( Josh's house a.k.a. Beng's Corner )

In terms of work

Fresh graduate -> 3 days in IKEA ( Com-in Department ) -> 1 Month in Motorola (Field Tester ) -> Delta Medisains ( Product Consultant for Lumenis, USA )


And all this happened in the span of 3 months. My current job is along the sales line. My product is mainly dealing with surgical lasers, which requires a wee bit of my engineering background as well. So, not everythings wasted. I travel around alot, visiting hospitals, clinics and other medical institutions. I talk to doctors, nurses, medical assistants...and anyone that is related to these areas : ENT, Ophtalmic, Urology and Dental. The job has been pretty good so far. Alot to learn, like how do I deal with people, and striking a conversation out of nothing and getting answers from them without asking directly. On top of that, I got to know my products really well. In case you never knew, the laser that I sell can actually burn a hole through your flesh and blast away kiney stones and the likes. Nasty stuff.

Ok, enough about my job for now. Will elaborate more later.

In the mean time, I have to confess that I'm having withdrawal syptoms from lack of the internet. My whole Cyberjaya/Uni life has been revolving around the internet. Everything I do almost involves a PC too. That's how I organise my things, time, money...and stay connected to people. Not just the internet. More accurately, broadband! Everything's a lot faster than dial-up...which I'm using to type this entry.

This is my plea to why I need Streamyx. For those who've heard me rant this before, just skip to the bottom of the page for the next part. But for those who haven't, bear with me.
It's hard to stay connected without the internet. Chat programs are the cheaper alternatives to smses and phone calls. And because of that, alot of information, important ones too, are sent through emails of some sort. Sometimes I miss out important things because I can't access my email. In my office now, we have a few laptops that are shared with everyone else. And these laptops are used mainly for work related stuff. So, I can't just go and check my mail in the midst of doing my work. That would be unacceptable. I also miss downloading stuff. That's besides the point. There are times when I need to do a research on some product or procedure, it's so difficult. It's easy to say, go to a cybercafe. But CC's are just blasting away with gamers. It's not easy to do your work or to download relevant materials there as well.

Anyways, where was I? I guess it will take a few more months before I can afford to install Streamyx in the house. Till then, I'll read a book and get left out coz I didn't get to check my mail and read yesterday's news or something.

Bah!

In retrospect

I miss the morning view of Cyberjaya....

A hazy dawn

It's a hazy dawn again. Nice:)
Where I live, it's just one straight row of houses facing each other, that's it. My 'taman' is just that: one main road short of a hundred meters and about less than 30 houses. It's a different setting in comparison to the multiple rows of houses lined up like factories, something which you'd see in Subang.

So, the view this morning when I stood in front of my lane, houses to the left, houses to the right, the main road with the sea, in front and dark coudy skies up above. To add a dash to the nostalgia, there was a strong blowing wind. I should upload a picture of it. Maybe tomorrow.

Anyways, my dad asked my mum and I to have a blood and urine test. Don't ask me why. So, this morning, I had a needle up my veins and blood oozing out. It's no biggie, but the sight of it sometimes makes my knees weak. Each time I donate blood, I brace myself for when the steel pierces the skin. After that, it's all ok. Just that initial bit.

And I also discovered a funny comic strip thanks to Albert. Check it out : http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/

Much at home.

Currently, I'm blogging from Melaka. In between jobs at the moment. I told my new employer that I would like to start work a little late coz I wanted to spend about a week back in Melaka. It hit me that once you start work....that's it...it goes on forever, until you retire, or get too sick to work, or die. If I hit a million-dollar jackpot, it would be something different.

Working to me, is a phase, something like getting married or having kids. There is no turning back once you've crossed the line. I could stop work, if I wanted to, and leech off my family. But that would just be plain ugly. By now, all the working people would probably know that they can't simply take leave and go on a holiday as they like. When I was a student, I had 'long' breaks....like 3 weeks. At least I get over a week holiday. Now, to take a day leave, it's not that easy. So this break here is to spend whatever time I have left with my family. Help my dad around the house. Help mum become driver. Watch sister grow up. Play with the dogs. Feed the fish. Watch tv. Sleep in.

Once I'm back in the work field, I know I do not have all these luxuries. I can't come back to Melaka as and when I like. It would require leave or use up my weekend. It's that phase of life that sooner or later, everyone has to go through. I'm beginning to think that I mihgt not be able to come back so often to visit my parents. This is the cons of working outstation. Maybe some of you are so happy to run away from family:p My parents are not getting younger. And I do worry about their safety at times. What with all the break-ins that are so rampant. And I'm thinking, when I do get married, that will be another responsibility all together. One step at a time.

Back to Melaka. The haze is back....from over the ocean. Sometimes you can't help but 'love' your neighbours, eh? I don't know why, but the smell of haze in the air, does bring back a nostalgic feeling. Call me crazy, but it's one of my 'favorite' smells. The other favorite smell, is the smell of rain in the air. Some might be thinking I'm plain nuts. This morning, I woke up early and managed to get a glimpse of the dark skies above. I live by the beach. So other than sunny and bright, it looks really nice when the sky gets dark. It's always depicted in paintings. And it was hazy as well. When it rained, it was happiness. It felt good to be alive. There are just some things that happen to you, that remind you that it's good to be alive. The smell of the slight haze and rain was enough to bring me back there.

I think as I get older, I tend to look out for those 'little joys' in life. Those 'tiny perks'. Whatever its called.

And now....to fix up my stikfas :) See, I told you I was getting old-er.

On my last day, and I'm talking about it.

My office is situated on the 15th floor of Menara Luxor, one of the 4 towers that dominate the Tropicana skyscapes. Until today, I'm not sure if Tropicana is an area of its own, or a part of Damansara, but you get the picture it's somewhere around there. It's a rich man's area. Lots of nice houses to see, fancy cars, and golf courses. Luxor is a direct selling company that has gained enough wealth to purchase its own building and lease it out to others.

The department I'm working in has 4 divisions; 1 being pre-sales (which I'm a part of), 1 being after-sales and 2 more that I forgot....marketing? My job position is known as a Field Tester. Big name, not so big job. What I do is fairly simple, yet tedious.

Everyday, I come in at 9 am, set up the handphones I'm supposed to test, and test it all day till I go back at 6 or 7 pm. Before any Motorola phones are brought into the Malaysian market, it has to undergo major application testing in my department and get a passing approval before it is launched. In Field Testing, there's only 5 of us doing the job. 1 Senior Supervisor, 1 Junior Supervisor and 3 coolies, me being one of them. All of us do the same thing. We get a phone model with a test sheet of about 1000++ test cases and we're given 10 working days to complete all the test. During this time, the main thing is to find out what's wrong with the phone, report it and get it corrected. So, it's mostly software errors. After we complete the tests, a new software with all the corrected editions will be installed into the phone and the previous errors are gone over again to make sure it's really corrected. It's tedious and can get rather boring, especially when you're halfway through test #500+. And at this point, you wish you could smash the phone to bits. Sometimes, the simplest things like using a bluetooth headset and not being able to hear anything does occur. So, it cannot be taken for granted that if I were to send out an sms to multiple recipients, all of them would get it. Every single thing you can imagine using your phone for, software-wise, must be tested and be proven that it will perform. If not, a report has to be lodged. If we miss out any important things here, sooner or later, the customer who bought the phone will be after us with major complaints. In a way, we play an important role of ensuring that everything in the phone works like it should.

How I really wish we could do hardware testing, like dropping the phone from the 15th floor to see if it can survive the impact or maybe soak it in liquid detergent for 2 days and check it if still works afterwards. Or maybe, beat the crap out of the phone with a sledgehammer and see how many beatings it can take before there's nothing left of it. I wish.... Then at least I get to don on safe glasses and maybe glove and boots. But the sad fact is, I'm stuck at the desk the whole time, 'playing' with the phones.

The perks of working here is that you get to really test out the latest phones in the Hellomoto (the buzzword of Motorola) collection. Some phones are so cool you could pee in your pants playing it. Urm ,that didn't sound too right. Anyways, there are some really neat phones to check out from Motorola that will be hitting our stores pretty soon. Since, I'm still an employee of Motorola, for another 20 minutes, I wanna do some promo here a bit. Motorola phones are really sleek and neat. Their design is really thin and comfy in your hands. You don't have the bulk that you get when handling a Nokia of the similar range. The interface is getting better. More user-friendly and accessible. The key thing, it looks good to the eyes. You see it, you feel like having it. When it's in your hands, you know you gotta buy it. Okok. I'm done with the promo. Just be on the lookout for the new Hellomoto phones. The only sucks thing about it, is the dictionary function in the sms section. Until now, I still struggle using it, maybe coz I've been a Nokia user all my life. Other than that, it's fine by me.

If you get a really 'canggih-fied' phone to test, the test case can touch 2000 cases. So crack your heads at it. If it's a really low-end phone, maybe 400. It varies.

Today is my last day. 10 more minutes on the clock before I leave this place for good. It's sad for me. I'm starting to like this place and the people. But it's only a 1-month contract job. I can renew it next month, but another opening came up and after praying, I decided to go for it. Working here no doubt is nice, but this contract position-thingy makes things a little more interesting. Being a contract job for a month, you're not sure if you will be hired the following month. And I wonder how long do I have to work here I get to become a permanent staff. Or will I ever be a permanent staff?

Ok, it's time to start packing. I gotta go.
Gooodbye, Hellomoto.

Over a month

It's been a long time since I updated. Haven't had the time, but specifically, haven't had the connection. This is what's been happening to me over the past month.

After I missed the Shell job, I went for a few more interviews. Some of them, I was sure I would get it, but in the end, no reply on their part. And some jobs, I had the decision to take them up, but it didn't seem convincing. After all that praying, I didn't have peace to settle in any one of them.

Then a friend asked if I wanted to work in Motorola as a contract staff. One month contract. The only motivation for me to take up the offer was the fact that it's more like a part-time job for one month while I continue my job-hunt. And I get paid quite a nice sum for it. I could still attend interviews. It was quite a nice deal. Somehow I felt that this will not be permanent, as it was a monthly renewable contract, but this would at least give me something to do instead of bumming around doing nothing. And I get paid. It's not that my family has got not enough money to support me, but as a guy, there's this inner urge to go out there and make a living for myself, to be independent financially. I was still praying.

So I applied for the job, went for the interview and got it. All this while, I prayed for God to close all the unsuitable doors and open the right ones, and give me peace. So all the other jobs that I thought I could get, was slammed cold in my face and some that I had the option to choose to work with them, just gave me an uncomfortable feeling. Since Motorola is an open door, I felt at peace with the idea.

First week was crazy, as I traveled everyday from Cyberjaya all the way to Tropicana, near Damansara. Distance was one thing, but the jam was the whackiest part. It took me about 20 minutes from Cyberjaya to the Sunway toll, then it was a 1 hour jam from there till my office in Menara Luxor. Without the jam, it would only take about 15-20 minutes. I needed to move out to somewhere nearer.

Thank to Chee Meng, I managed to find a house right behind the Kelana Jaya LRT station, at an affordable price. From there to work, it takes, maximum 20 minutes, even with the traffic jam. So, I have officially moved out of Cyberjaya and can no longer be labeled a Cyberjayan anymore. It took a few nights of mass shifting to get 90% of my things over. During the 2nd week of work, I rushed back to Cyberjaya after dinner, packed up my stuff into the car till there wasn't anymore room space, and drove all the way back to Kelana Jaya. I did this for about 3 nites, reaching back to my new home about 12.30-1 am and start the slow process of unloading and unpacking. By the grace of God, I was fully settled in my new place in a matter of 1 week.

I miss Cyberjaya. I miss my previous housemates:( But it's all part of moving on. Tomorrow will be my last day working in Motorola. After that, I will elaborate further in the coming days. But I haven't had the chance to update coz I have no internet connection in my new home. And in the office, I'm too busy doing my job to write a post. After working for almost a month, I just realized yesterday that I could have written out my post and saved it in a notepad, and upload the post when I get to the office. My bad. Didn't think quick enough.

In the coming days, I will blog about:
1. my job in Motorola
2. what do i do in the office when i'm not doing my job
3. the life after working hours
4. life after university
5. what's happening in church
6. where do i go from here

I really want to thank God for guiding me this far. For not only providing me a temporary job to ease my mind, but also providing me a place to stay that's so convenient. And also providing me with a fixed job...that I will blog about later as mentioned in #6.

God, continue to guide my every footsteps.

I cut it off!

This event took place on the 3rd of August but I didn't have the time to blog about it. For those of you who've met me in the past one year, most of you would probably have noticed a few strands of hair all tied up sticking out from the right-back side of my head. But there are those few who've been with me and yet not notice it at all....till I trimmed my hair shorter....and then you would hear their exclaims of it being there.

Padawan, Obiwan-abe, whatever you would want to call it, I call it, the 'tail'. It's been with me for slightly more than a year and I admit I've grown pretty fond of it. So, to cut it off really took some amount of guts and letting go.

It was last June that I decided to sport this new hair-do, trimming off my long black hair to suit a spikier look, yet, having the tail to just, 'be different'. It was so short back then, nothing more than 5cm. It was difficult to plait. It stood out even more and caught alot of people by surprise. For a moment, I liked the attention, but it became a norm after a while.

A year passed with me having to go for job interviews and final year project presentations with my tail. I didn't really care, cause I was still a student. Working adults could forgive me for that.

Not until this August. I had an interview for Shell IT for a contract position. I really wanted to work for Shell no matter what. If I couldn't get into their graduates programme, I would take up a contract job and somehow find myself as a permamnent staff in a year. That was my plan. I so wanted to make a good impression on the interviewer that I took the bold step to part with my 'tail'. It wasn't easy; Over a years worth of memory in it. But for Shell, I would take this sacrifice. First impressions do make the difference. I took some pictures to remind me of how it was. I had hopes of re-doing this hairstyle again if my future job allows me a slack in attire and looks. I'd resurrect the 'tail'.

The day before the Shell interview, I carefully cut off the tail and had a decent hair cut. Alas, to my dismay, Shell said the job wasn't suitable for me....whatever that means. In life, I've got to learn to face rejections. So...no biggie... It hurt for a bit....I felt that cutting off my tail was in vain...I didn't get the job. Maybe this is just not the path I'm to take. I did pray for God to open the right doors and close the unsuitable ones.

This parting of the tail strongly signifies my transition of a student, to a young working adult. It's time to change my perception towards some things. It's time to develop a new mindset. It's time to grow-up and be a man.

First month of the hair cut last June

Just prior to the 'circumcision'








What's left of it

Why

Why can't you understand me?
Why do I kill myself each time to make myself be understood?...heard...
Why don't you take the trouble to know?
Why don't you try?..harder...
Why can't you see that I'm giving all I can?
Why can't you see I'm desperately trying?
Why can't you see I'm hurting myself to get to you?
Why can't you let go and mean it?
Why can't you hold on and believe it?
Why can't you be there? here?
Why do you get jealous? When I don't mean as much to you?
Why do you say you would....and don't.....
Why do you misunderstand all the good intentions?
Why is there a double standard?
Why do you want me to be there?
Why can't you hear?... listen
Why can't you make me proud?
Why can't you be happy for me?
Why ?

Why do I hold on?
Why am I still here?
Why can't I let go?
Why is my arms so ready to catch you as you fall?
Why do I miss you?
Why am I still hoping?
Why can't I fall into catchful arms.......

Lord, this so sucks...

Fear

As I sit here typing this, I feel heavy and burdened inside. I feel restless. Like, what next? And I'm anticipating something to happen...but at the same time I fear. Being a fresh graduate, a world of opportunities, so they say. I think there is so many options ahead for me. But which one? I do not doubt that I'll get a job. I know I can. But why do I feel afraid? Why the anxiety? I think I really need something to do to get my mind off this. I wake up every morning feeling free...and yet, empty. Questions like what am I going to do today comes up. During a semester break, it's totally fine because I know that when the holidays are over, I got classes again. There is purpose.

Now I don't know what's my purpose. Not just purpose, but Purpose. I wake up with 1001 things in mind that I can do. But which will be the right thing for the day? Maybe I'm just too inward looking. But I just can't seem to see clear at the moment.

I don't have the right spirit...Maybe I'm at a point where I'm afraid of committments...of any kind. I just don't want to be tied down by anything. Maybe I'm not ready to settle down. Or in other words, change. Getting a job and starting work requires a change in lifestyle. No more late nights...no more skipping sessions whenever I like...no more sleeping in when I feel like it. In a sense, no more freedom to do as I like. This has got to end soon.

A few weeks back, I felt I wasn't ready for work. More than half my friends are already working. Some have been working for a month already. There seems to be a seamless transition from university to working world. On the other hand, I have friends who do not intend to find jobs till September. And here I am in between. I pressure myself to look for one, when half of me is not ready. My parents aren't pressuring me to work yet, but I don't understand why do I feel the need to secure a job before anything else.

I need a closure for this chapter of my university life. Still haven't found it. Still trying to write an end to it. I don't want to start the next phase of my life with unfinished business here in university. It would just be excess baggage, that would accumulate and bring about a sense of unfulfilment later on. I cannot afford that regret. If I want to move on, I need to end this phase well. Then only carry on.

The next question is, what do I really want? Thinking about it, I don't know actually. This is the biggest issue. If I knew what I wanted, I would have an idea of where to go. But now, it's square one. I need some sort of directions. I used to know what I want. But over the years, I've been exposed to more things and I realised there's more to this life than I know of. I'm confused.

This are just the thoughts that go through my head all the time in the reent days. The things that trouble me....

Lord, I need directions in my life...

The Road Trip

Procrastination is my hobby nowdays. I've been wanting to make an entry for sometime now, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I think age is also catching up. I seem to be tired and sleepy most of the time.

Anyways, I did get to go for my roadtrip. After my exams, I was geared for the Philippines. When I couldn't go, it felt as if my eveready-to-go 'engine' had to be left on idle mode. All my other friends had either started working or gone for their holiday. I was looking forward to mission work/ holiday in Baguio and Manila. The next plan after Philippines was supposed to be a holiday in Penang with some classmates. But that too was cancelled, as the organizer had become broke. So here I was stuck in Cyberjaya, bored out of my skull with the urge to shoot somebody if the scenario didn't change. I still had expectations. I was supposed to have been places by now.

My big break came. Cut the long story short, my trip was like this:

Alor Setar->Penang->Taiping->Ipoh->Cyberjaya->Melaka

Most of the places I went was less than 24 hours. Each stop was to eat and sleep and move on to the next. From Alor Setar to Penang ( a span of 3 days ), I had 3 plates of oysters, 1 fresh oyster, 1 plate of balitong and 1 plate of lala. By the time I reached Taiping, I was down with a terribly funky stomach and fever. In Taiping, I was dragging myself across town just trying to hold everything in. In Ipoh, I promised that my Input rate would be higher than my Output. I wouldn'y let this trip be in vain. The Dim Sum in Ipoh tasted better:)

Some of the interesting things I encountered along this trip:

-my friend would eat shit, literally for RM 50,000. When he becomes a millionaire, he's going to pay people RM 50,000 to eat his shit.
-I saw the brother of Lee Sin Jie ( Actress for The Eye, Koma and Re-Cycle ) eating at a hawker center in Alor Setar.
-I can de-seed a whole Nangka fruit.
-Alor Setar hasn't changed much since I was there 12 years ago.
-30-50 sen nasi lemak still exists.
-Sitting a ferry brings out the little boy in me.
-My ex-housemate actually talks!
-I used to hate oysters, but now I love them.
-A cruel prank to play at Northem Point: go from stall to stall and order food and tell them you're sitting on Table ....(place number here) and then go back.
-Dvds are as cheap as 3 for RM 10 in Penang. Or 7 movies in one dvd for RM 15.
-I discovered the BEST Chi Cheong Fun in Penang. Nothing else comes close to it.
-I also tasted the BEST Wan Tan Mee and Popiah with Laksa sauce. And the Oyster with egg.
-Taiping is still a slow-going town.
-Finally enjoyed Lau Di Fang at nite.
-I saw the Cat-Lady.
-We toasted to our future, and to a lovely couple.
-I succumbed to joining 6 others in a Karaoke Box singing Rock DJ for RM 1. ( the kind of tiny box with a tv and av system )
-Astro is bad...no....evil!! I had Astro for breakfast, brunch, lunch, tea, dinner and supper.
-BAD TOFU!! I can't imagine sane people eating 'chou tofu', or in English, Stinking Tofu. I wasted RM 2 just to torture my taste buds.
-People would actually eat Stinking Tofu.
-The desire to eat is stronger than being sick and staying in bed.

Now it's back to reality once again. No more holidays......Time to face reality.

The verdict is....

I PASSED!!!

Praise The Lord!!!

This means, I get to GRADUATE!!! All that last bit of effort really paid off...though it came with a price. After sitting for the same paper the 4th time, it's finally over!

Now, it's out into the working world...and of course, the long-awaited convocation.
This also means, the end of university life, unless of course, I take my Masters.

But for now, I'm exhilarated that I passed! When I think about it, this graduation is so much sweeter, because of all the hardship I had to go through just to make it. The important thing is, I made it! But, I didn't do it on my own. If not for God, I would still be sludging through all this man.

Once again, praise the Lord!

Day 13: It is over

They arrived back safely, each one of them.
I still smiled.
I was happy for them.
I mamak-ed with them.
Wactched a game of world cup with them.
Heard their stories.

Somehow, it didn't ache as bad as I thought.
God is good.

Day 12 : Like a thorn in the flesh

Today would be the team's second last day in the Philippines. Since the weekend, I haven't heard any news from them. Don't know what prayer needs they need. Sometimes I forget that they even went.

They should be touching Malaysian soil about 8.20pm tomorrow. Since before the weekend, I haven't had any contact with them. I managed to overcome the pain and the hurt. And somehow found other things to focus my attention to. I felt good for a while. But just getting into contact with them to plan out their return plan, brought back alot of painful memories. It was a flashback of all the things that could have. I thought I was all right. I thought I was strong again. But in a split instant, I was feeling where I was when the team left. It should have been me. Those thoughts keep coming back.

I don't know if they'll ever understand the feeling of being left behind. 'Why Me?' questions keep popping up. I'm shredded to an emotional mess again. A part of me still wants to meet them up at the airport to welcome them back tomorrow. But a part of me feels that I would break down and cry when I did see them. I really do not know how the whole scenario would be like. I think about it all, and it freaks me out. My meeting them at the airport will be accompanied with intense emotions. I hope I can handle it all. I hope I would be strong enough to put up a cheerful face. I hope I can forget that I wasn't supposed to be part of the team. All hopes. What happens when reality sets in? I wonder how it would feel like as they tell all their stories while I just listen? I don't know. I pray I have enough grace to carry this out.

Lord, help me to let go....of this....