A prayer

God, make me the best!

Dim Gai!

I just read the mail, but I don't understand this uneasiness rising within me. Maybe there's so much more that I have to let go. Maybe there's so much that I'm cluthing on to, unknowingly.
I do believe what you say is true. And I'm understanding it better. But when I hear it coming from you, it's so much harder to chew on it. Why does it seem so much easier on your side? It's been ok over here, with the occasional sunshine and cloudy days. But it seems always sunny over there. Maybe you do get those rainstorms, but there's always the silver lining.

I don't know what's eating me. Maybe, I'm just looking for justice. But then again, God is gracious. Who am I to say who should be struck down by lightning? It could have been me at the end of a lightning bolt.

It's not that I'm morbid. I try to find grace. I could probably be facing what the prodigal's older brother faced. But how do I deal with it? Should I just forget it? When you forgive, are you supposed to forget, as in literally? If so, will someone whack me with a club till I forget? Coz, I try forgetting it, but it's still there. I close my eyes, and I remember it.

How can 2 people walk through the same path and situation and come out both differently. I don't want to live in your shadaw. It feels like I am though. I want to break free from it, not being affected.

Maybe God is a just God. And His sense of justice isn't as 'twisted' as mine. Maybe I have to surrender that part of me to Him. Maybe I have to surrender justice into His hands intsead of taking it into my own. When I read the Bible, it tells me of how King David mentioned that God destroyed his enemies and scattered them before him. Sounds like a good story. But what if my enemies are also children of God? Then it means, I've made a mess of it somewhere...and pretty much screwed.

Sometimes I look at my life, and I think I've got it all good and figured out. But then again, the patches in between need soem sorting out. I'm not perfect and don't pick up too easily from a fall. I wish I could sleep a problem away. But that's just me. I'm not making an excuse for myself. It's a realisation that I'm different from you and I need to solve it differently. I may not laugh so hard, but that doesn't mean God hasn't been good to me. I may not always be smiling, but that doesn't mean I'm not ok.

Two individuals, one seeing the cup always half full and the other always half empty. Both walked through the fire. One probably comes out thanking God for making it, the other, should have died. And that sucks...to be the pessimist. When you put 2 optimists together, that doesn't mean that both will see it at eye-level. It's a matter of time before the greater pessimist of the two will consider the other overly optimistic and then it gets weird.

I'm just crapping....

Stranger Than Fiction

It's probably one of the best movies I've ever watched.

* i wonder why that never happens to me when i play the guitar with my eyes closed on the couch *

Wondering

Still wondering why and when did it affect me. At which part did the smile leave my face and I became sober? At which instance did my laughter stop and I became quiet? It's been a while and I thought that I had a cap on it. But caps do fall off.

I'm still trying to forget. Time is supposed to heal. I hope so. It's been some time already.

I look forward to the day when I look at you, and I won't feel a thing anymore, indifferent. I look forward to the time when you won't arrest my laughter. I look forward when my wings won't be clipped by how you feel.

Flashback

For a moment, I thought I saw a glimpse of a mirage.......

There are some places on my journey that I know was a great stop, but I'll never be able to go back there again....Some memories are just meant to be forgotten....

Back to the off-roads....

Life as a journey

I've always pictured Life as a journey. It's so cliched, I know. Other times, Life is like a race, a fight, a roller coaster, a box of chocolates...you get the idea.

Today I was reading this book, and it mentioned about Life as a journey. And this time round, the meaning became more apparent to me.

I pictured myself taking a long drive to a far away land. My journey. As I drove, I came across beautiful mountain ranges. After a while, I saw a beautiful lake in the horizon. It was a great view. Then I passed some canyon. The sight took my breathe away. Since it's a long journey, I took a stop some place to rest. I carried on, and after some time, I passed all the beautiful mountains. After that, the desert loomed up ahead. So for the next few days, it was just driving through hot, barren land. Once that period was over, I reached the highway. The journey became much faster and smoother. After a couple of tolls, it was the city. Traffice began building up and everyone just got irritated. All the cars were honking. It was mayhem. The skyscrapers that surrounded the city made it a concrete jungle to begin with. Once all that was over, it was the quiet, empty road of the wilderness again. I got to see the mountains again. And then, since I was in a 4x4 vehicle, I decided to take a drive through the jungle and make a track of my own. Chart a path that I can call mine. The story goes on and on.

It was all imagination. But if Life is a journey, it would be something like that. In this picture, the scenery is always changing. The landscape is constantly evolving. If I look at my life that way, the situations and scenarios in my life will keep flipping its cards. One moment, it would be this story, then the next, it's another story. It's beginning to sink in that the journey may not be smooth and perfect as much as we want it to be. We may plan our path out, but the potholes are still there and we have to go through them. When the traffic gets too congested, it seems that life is slowing down. On the highway, we're just moving about too quickly to even enjoy some of life's littlest pleasures. The situations keep changing, but we have to keep moving on.

It is also a reminder to me not to hold on to tightly to a particular scenery. If I do, once the view changes, I'd be disoriented thinking that it would be the same still. Remember and take in as much as the view allows us. Once it changes, the key is to adapt to the new surroundings.

At this moment, it feels like I just left the main road, and got dirty in the off-roads. Time to charter a path of my own.

Things aside....

How can I change the world?
Just one man.....what can I do?

*thinking*

The year of the Pig

The year of the pig/boar (whatever makes you happy) is here. Not being racist, but if you're chinese, you'd probably understand the meaning. It's the 2nd time that this similar year has occured, meaning, I'll be 24 this year! It happens in cycles of 12 years. The next time the 'pig' comes my way, i'll be 36, so on and so forth.
I'm not religious. It so happens that I'm born a Chinese into the year of the pig...

I know this fact, but I can't help saying it again: Time does fly.

I'm already 24, or going to be. What have I done with my life?
I'll leave that for another blog post.

This will be one of the longest holiday I'll have back in Melaka. A whole week! I have been looking forward for this Chinese New Year celebration. It has come and gone pretty quickly. It's already the 4th day of the new year, the chinese one. It's another reminder that since the New Year, the non-chinese one, I still have yet to do my mission and vision statement for myself. It's already the 2nd month into 2007. I have been putting this off. Pardon my reflection. Sometimes, I'm so busy that I don't take time off to reflect. Doing all that as I'm typing this entry.

For this new year, the chinese one, I made it a point to buy new clothes. It's some Chinese tradition that one must clothe himself with new things for the new year. I don't buy into that, but heck, who doesn't like new clothes? So for the past 24 years of my life, I've always worn some new outfit just for kicks. It's probably my upbrining, but I'm totally cool with that. This year, I didn't have anything new to wear. So in the name of Chinese tradition, I went shopping. Neat huh? Got my second pair of Levi's and my first ever Plastic apparel. I hate to admit it, but I've become a Plastic fan.
Thank you, dear shopping companion, for helping me make my selections. It was really fun. We should do it again sometime soon. Your taste makes me feel like I'm an old fart. And no...I'm not gonna wear something that has "We Are Family" on it no matter how cool it looks. Plain corny.

Home's been good. Dad has been imparting lots of 'pearls of wisdom'. But it comes in intermittent barrages. Some of it still has yet to sink in. But it's all good. He did mention that some chapters in life are meant to be left as it is. The other rides will come and go. Just hop on one and see where it takes me to. Who knows what the future holds? It's just one of those precious moments where father and son connect mentally and emotionally, over a couple of bottles of wine:P

I'm still trying to deal with the emotional scars from the past few months. It's been ok...as long as I don't think about it. But when I do, it still hurts. But pain reminds me that it was so good, that's why it hurts so bad. Now who said that? Came across that phrase from some movie. Sometimes I catch myself feeling bitter when I do think about it. But I'm learning to deal with it. When I think too far, I have to bring myself to deal with it a day at a time. My dad said that if I can look as if nothing bad has happened to me, then it could possibly mean that I've overcomed the obstacle and healed. At the moment, I have yet to reach that level. I'm trying to forgive and let go. Just met another friend that shares the same life principle as me: don't go out with your buddies ex. plain ugly. haha.

This week, I thought about you, and it frightens me. Could it be? I really don't know. Why are you invading my thoughts? But it puts a smile on my face:) Time will tell what it's supposed to be.

By the way, did I meantion, it's 5.40am?

Regrets

To the

Could have been...
Would have been...
Should have been...

Happy Valentine's Day

Thoughts in the night

Hate is a very strong emotion. There's the good kind, and also the bad kind. The good kind of hate will allow you to focus on the bad stuff and overcome it. For example, if you hate laziness or any bad habit, it will help you focus to not be lazy. But it's the bad kinda hate that is bothering me now.

Hating people is a lose-lose situation. As far as experience tells me, when you hate someone, intentionally or unintentionally, you lose out both ways. There is nothing to gain from it.

For one, it really sucks the strength from you. Hate has the capability to drain you out emotionally. And also spiritually. And for all you know, you may have that feeling towards someone else, and the other person might not know about it. So you're clapping your hand in a way.

I don't really wanna talk about hate, but it's been on my mind now. So instead of talking about the actual problem, which I have no liberty to put up on this blog, I have diverted the topic into issues with hate.

So, just let go and stop hating. It frees you. Much easier said than done.

To be honest, I am not that ok. And there are many things running through my mind. But I'll leave them for another day.

If only you had released this heart when you were unsure about yourself, I might not be here facing this sense of utter loss. I might have chartered a different path for myself. I might have found another secret.

If you had not made empty promises, I wouldn't have hoped so much, or secretly planned and schemed. But I did hope, and I did plan, and now that you went back on your word, it feels like those promises were tiny hooks just ripping out the heart.

But at the end of the day, there is no one to blame but myself. For being stupid enough to buy into empty promises and hoping on broken dreams. For holding on when there is no point, or even fighting a losing battle. I know that God is still good. But these are the stuff I got to deal with daily till I am free again.

The thing about charity....

Today, of all days, I went to work early. On normal days, I reach the office bout 8.45am-9.00am. But due to some early appointments, I was in by 8.30am. I looked at the parking lot, it was quite empty. The thought running through my head at that time was where in the world is my colleague's car. I was about to park my car in front of my office, when I heard tyres screeching. And then....*bang*. It was more like a *thud*

I looked to my left...and I saw this Kancil literally kissing my car's butt...on the left cheek:P My car was still a few feet into the lot.

Somehow, I didn't panic. I managed to get my car into the parking lot, and got out to check the damage. It wasn't much, except that the body above the wheels was dented here and there. On closer inspection, my wheels looked like it was slightly slanted. The impact might had shifted it off the axis by a couple of degrees.

All this while, the lady in the other car was apologising and explaining in Cantonese, and I had to bluntly cut her short and embarassingly explain I can't understand a word she's saying. She switched to English in a blink and I still couldn't process what she's saying. In my head, I was replaying the whole sequence. I was on my side of the road, she was following behind. I signalled left to turn in, and just when the signal went off, she runs into me. She must have been following me quite closely and at very high speed.

Through her incessant apology, I didn't have the heart to ask her to pay up then and there. She explained she was late for work, which was a couple of blocks down from my office. I was also rushing, so I just took her number and car number plate and told her I'll get back to her. She had that kind of 'blank/disturbed' look on her face. As if she was thinking of something else and was really deep in thought while this whole thing took place.

Later on, after processing everything, I smsed her to ask her how to settle it. She replied me that she's facing financial difficulty and she found out that her husband's having an affair with someone else. I really didn't have to know that. That was probably why she had that 'occupied' look on her face. Like she was thinking deeply about something else and wasn't aware that I had slowed down to turn. After hearing something like that...how could I still 'extort' money from her? But...maybe she was pulling my leg for some sort of get-a-way sympathy. I really don't know. But I really bought her story. What if she was really telling the truth? What is a couple of hundred bucks compared to having known your husband cheated on you?

When it comes to issues like this, I wonder if I am soft...as in, throw me a touching story, and I'll buy it...even if it's not real. I can't tell.

Later on I smsed her that if she hadn't banged my car, we wouldn't even have to pay a single cent. But now that it's happened, we should work something out. It's not my fault at all. It would be unfair for me to fork out cash for something I didn't even cause. I told her I'd get it fix and show her the bill. And she can pay me later on. I wished her all the best with her husband, and she replied that she would pay me when she gets her cash and thanked me for understanding.

Later on, I was walking around the hospital, and just as I was about to go to my car, this old man and a somewhat 'mentally challenged' kid comes up to me. He looked relaly poor and his shirt was really all grossed out wiht soil. He was speaking in Cantonese and I had to cut him by explaining I can't udnerstand him. And he switches to English in a blink (dejavu). He told me he needed some some cash to buy himself those asthma pumps. He had one in his hand, but he said it's finished and he needs to get a new one. The kid beside him had this 'spaced-out' look in his eyes. Halfway through explaining, the kid goes into a fit of sorts. And I bought into that. I thought...hey, maybe he's really poor, and his son is really retarded. So I gave him some money. I know that people would usually ask me to refrain from giving. But I didn't have the time to walk him to the pharmacy to actually buy one. So I just gave, hoping it would make a difference somehow.

The thing about doing charity nowdays, is that it has to be done through proper channels. If not, there are a lot of scams going on out there to suck your money. And eventhough you have good intentions, the help goes into the wrong hands and end up becoming support for a possible druggie. I really don't know.

When I did get to my car, I did pray and ask God for wisdom in the coming times. I really gave out of good intentions. I wanted to help. These people that I gave to, could be Jesus in disguise, the one where He told his disciples, that when you feed the poor, you're feeding Him, when you clothe the naked, you're clothing Him, when you shelter the homeless, you're sheltering Him. It could just be Him. So maybe, I give my part. What happens next, I leave it to God. What you sow, you will reap. So if it was a scam, the people behind it will reap their sowing when the season comes.

Anyways, I was talking to a friend later on about the incident, and she said that medication in the government hospitals is almost free. At most you pay, RM 5. That asthma pump would have been really cheap. So maybe...., just maybe..... I was duped! Well, life goes on. The sun shines on both the good and the bad. And God is still good.

Doubts

Day 6

It should have been a picture of me...

* emotional paraplegic *

When I think I'm ok and getting better, I find myself flat on the foor again.
God, You win, ok!
What's going on? Are you drilling into my head the fact that I cannot do this on my own?
Wait a minute...of coz You are.
Alrite....I really can't do this on my own. And all this while, I've been pushing on with my own strength... and keep failing...miserably.

It sucks to be an emotional paraplegic, but that's what I am Lord...and I can't drag on this way. I desperately need your spiritual crutches to get going while I heal. Maybe I might be this way for life: A spiritual cripple with no other source of dependance but You.

Won't You heal me Lord? soon?

It's about the "today's" that determines our tomorrows

Today....I thought about you....and you stopped my breath, again, in not a good way. Your sms came, but, isn't it a bit too late for that?

Today....I didn't see you. But it's ok.

Today....I talked to you and found out you don't dig Chinese dudes....crap! Maybe you would change your mind someday;) My hopes are to still try out surfing.

Today....I got into plastics. Not just one, but two. And the moment I got them, I swiped them.I hope it will be just for gas. I would have treated you to dinner with them, but maybe not anymore.

Today....I made the company laptop mine. It's about ownership....yeah rite.

Today....I am reminded that it's not just the end-product, but the process, that will always be remembered.

Today....You came into my thoughts, and I knew I felt peace.

Today....would never have happened if I didn't deceide yesterday that tomorrow would be a better day.

Today....I declare that God is still Good.

The Haunting

When the sun sets, and the moon appears....that's when it falls on me like a flood. And sweeps my sanity away.

I grapple with the darkness, just to know that You are there
I listen to the silence, sinking unaware
Go with me, go with me

I wrote this line in my song a few months back for another reason: where do I go after graduation? Those questions kept me restless every night.
But I never knew those lyrics that I wrote would speak to me in a different light, in terms of broken relationships.

It's when the busy-ness of the day slowly wears off and space kicks in, that's when all the emotions hit me like a brick. No matter how hard I try to shut it out, *bam* and I'm down begging for mercy. Begging for grace to last through the night.
I know I will be OK, but when I'm on the floor and helpless, I'm not sure if I will make it through. Sometimes, I'm so afraid that I will snap.... and just lose control of it all.
I do try hard to keep it all inside and out of my mind. I bury it as much as I can....but all it takes is just one memory to unleash the fury of the past.

It haunts me.

I want to let go. I want to move on. But the memories won't let go of me. It eats me from the inside. All the 'what ifs' and 'whys'. I try not to feed it. But you can't always stop hungry dogs. There are times when I am OK....and before I know it, I'm begging again. Vulnerable....

And I see you and you moving on.... And I want to do the same so badly. But I'm still wounded and healing. All those years....where did it go to?





All in all, I still know for sure, that God is good. He has been, He is, and always will be good. And He's got me cornered to that place called 'surrender'. The place where I know I cannot carry on or do it with my own strength. In His time, it will be beautiful...... reason will have its season.

Check mate...

In just a few months, everything feels stripped away. Nothing to hold on to, nothing to hold me back. The slate can't get any cleaner than this!
But why do I find it difficult to let go when I know I have to? There is no other option. If I want to progress on in my life, I need to do this!

At one time I had choices. Now I have only 1 choice : surrender....

The faster, I let go of these, the quicker I get to move on. Once I achieve that, the clearer I get to see things and the fresher my perspective. Then, the easier for me to head in the direction I need to go and achieve my goals.

God, you've got me cornered this time...... I surrender.....

Getting it over with

It's 6.46 am, or so my clock says. I can't sleep anymore. So, I'm up, tweaking with with funky broadband connection. I feel like letting go a stream of vulgarities at the present condition of my broadband, but it will do no use.

I did get my braodband connection after all. After 4 months of no connection, it's finally here. I'm not sure if I'm happy about it, or cry about it. Sometimes, I am so focused on something that when I actually achieve it, the glitter is gone.

There's no use ranting about this here, unless there are a few tech savvy people who are willing to help me out with my so-called broadband line.

Even the best fall down sometimes

I remember you sent me this song, and it has been special since.

Collide by Howie Day

The dawn is breaking

A light shining through

You're barely waking

And I'm tangled up in you

I'm open, you're closed

Where I follow, you'll go

I worry I won't see your face

Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow findYou and I collide

I'm quiet you know

You make a first impression

I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the stars refuse to shine

Out of the back you fall in time

I somehow findYou and I collide

Don't stop here

I lost my place

I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills your mind

You finally find

You and I collide

You finally find

You and I collide

You finally find

You and I collide

Songs that really say what it is

Goodbye, Goodnight by MAE

The nights are getting colder.

The red light's on, it's over.

To give up now doesn't make much sense.

So this is my goodbye.

Surprised, because I thought I could walk you home tonight,

but you're leaving me here on the defense.

Goodbye, I'm not going to waste this time,

this light that burns will keep on fading.

Goodnight, I'm not getting up off of this ride,

I'm holding tight until I can feel alive.

I've written you this letter, got it back return to sender.

But I just can't remember you being quite like that.

Misunderstand, we're holding hands,

we're at the beach, we're throwing sand.

As the lights just go up all around us, I can't believe it's over.

I'm sitting under falling stars.

Do you miss me where you are?

I'm making plans to be with you.

But have they come unglued?

What am I do to without you?

The nights are getting warm again.

They've let you go, I let you in.

Everything you're saying sounds right tonight.

The waves are crashing on and on.

We're running even if we're wrong.

This force is driving me to test the speed of light.

Awakening by MAE

When I close my eyes to this paradox place

I'll fly away, far away from here

I'll get away and dream, dream of you

When it's all said and done

And the night has come

I'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here

Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years

And I'll fly, fly across the sky

And I'll leave, I'll leave it all behind

If you'll be here, here with me tonight

I'll be fine, I'll be fine

I'll be fine

We're So Far Away by MAE

Remembering, everything about my world and when you came.

Wondering if the change you’d bring means nothing else would be the same.

Did you know what you were doing? Did you know?

Did you know how you would move me?

Well, I don’t really think so.

But the night came down and swept us away.

And the stars, they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene today.

How could we know? That song this show.

We'd learn so much about ourselves,

From Toledo to Tokyo, the words were scribed on every page,

And now there’s books up on our shelves.

Did you know how you would move us? Did you know?

When the lights first came upon us and we saw the Everglow.

And the moment's magic swept us away.

And a young man's dream was almost seen so plain.

When was the night that showed us the sign?

Revealed in the sky to leave all behind.

But where to begin? Throwing caution to the wind.

We reached for the stars, Everything was now ours.

Did you know how you would move me? Did you know?

Did you know how you would move me?

Well, I don’t even think so.

But the moment's magic swept us away.

And it’s so close but we’re so far away.

It’s so close but we’re so far away.

So the new year is here..

In desperation, I have applied for a phone line, and it is here already! Streamyx will be coming in a weeks time...I hope.
I hope I can survive paying for the bills. Just installing the line has cost a bomb.


I'm starting this new year with the realization that everything is stripped away, and in His time, it will be beautiful.


How can I lose something that I didn't even own?
How can I break-up with someone that I didn't even get together with?
Why does it hurt so bad?