somebody's got to do it....

I don't know if I'm wrong, or even right,
I don't know anymore
How much trying do I need to do
To see myself worthy
Even bending light is easier
Somehow things look the same
On both sides of the prism
But we can't even see eye to eye
My view is so different
On your side of the world
The grass seems always browner
On my side of the fence
I can't ask to be understood anymore
I surrender trying
Someone's got to do it
Someone's got to be the sacrifice
Lay down my pride
To keep the peace
I hope you understand

....I'm sorry.
I'm not perfect.

why?

...disappointed...

Cambodia from the sky

Thinking bout Cambodia

What I learned in Cambodia :

• The capital of Cambodia is Phnom Penh ( pronounced as Peh-nom Pen-h ).
• In Malaysia, we call them 'states', in Cambodia, they're called 'provinces'.
• Cambodia is one hour earlier than Malaysia.
• Basically, you don't really refer to the locals as Cambodian, but rather as Khmer ( pronounced as Keh-mair ).
• Everyone speaks Khmer ( refer to pronounciation above ), and most are trying to learn English. Somehow, they know that English rocks! The older folks know a bit of French. I bet they were more romantic at one point in time. jet'aime.
• The two biggest towns in Cambodia are Phnom Penh and Siem Riep. Siem Riep is where Angkor Wat is. For more information of Angkor Wat, go to www.google.com and key in Angkor Wat. Siem Riep is where all the culture is. The locals told me, " If you've not been to Siem Riep, you've not been to Cambodia". Well, I've not been to Cambodia then.
• The word Kampong does exist in Cambodia. It means 'port'.
• The word 'Chup' means 'stop' in Khmer. Guess Coca-Cola imported the word from Cambodia. Chup, Coca-Cola!
• In Cambodia, you use US dollars to get around. For items less than 1USD, you use Riel, their local currency. 1USD = 4000Riel = RM4. Well, almost:P
• Though they were colonised by the French for awhile, the American influnce is really strong. Anyways, they drive left-hand-drive cars on the right-side of the road, the total opposite of Malaysia.
• The roads in Phnom Penh are primarily dirt roads except for the main road, which are tarred. Each stretch of main road is sponsored by some country. The stretch of road that was sponsored by our Malaysian government had the timer system:P *hehe*
• "You think this is your father's road, ah?" applies very much in Cambodia. The roads are mainly filled with motorbikes and it is so congested. However, the traffic is always flowing. But, if someone feels like stopping on the road to talk to his friend, you can't do anything about it. The saying goes : I bang you, I pay. You bang me, I pay also :(
• It was a joy to see Petronas and Maybank and Telekom Malaysia in Cambodia. Not to forget, there was this Klang Boy Bak Kut Teh shop somewhere. Malaysian influence.
• In Malaysia, if you do not have a job when you're older than 25, and not studying, people think you're a bum. In Cambodia, it's common. Most people are too poor to go to university. It's about 100USD a year in university, but they do not have that kind of money to spend. If you can't speak English, it's hard to find a job. 2 main criteria's for landing a job includes : a degree or certificate and English. If you lack one, you can't find a job. That's how it is over there. A lot of people my age are just lepaking everyday, literally!
• Motorbikes are really usefull over there. You can take almost anything with a motorbike. While I was there, these are some of the items I saw being transported on a bike: fridge, washing machine, half-side of an iron gate ( the one that is used for houses), sewing machine ( the big-old-traditional ones ), and alot of other things, including 4 people!
• You don't need a motorbike license. You don't need to pay road tax. You just need to pay the road cops 'coca-cola' money.
• In the village, the houses are not too different from the ones we have in Malaysia, except, there are lots of pigs roaming around.
• In the village, there is no electricity, and it allows you to see the stars at night. It's really beatiful. Imagine, the sky dotted with stars everywhere....everywhere. So clearly. Makes you wonder how it was like when Abraham looked up in the sky when God told him his descendants would be like the stars in the sky. In KL, the skyline is heavy with bright lights. Makes the sky look red all the time, without the stars:(
• It is so 'nice' to bathe at the well, clad only in your underwear, with 2 other close-to-naked guys, in the darkness, lighted only by the stars and the moon overhead.
• It was so hot in the village! So so so HOT! One packet of ice was all we wanted, and God provided an ice-cream man to come along with some iced-drinks.
• Crickets and cicadas and beetles are delicacies over there. They taste like crap and leave a horrible after-taste in your mouth.
• When you go to the market, you will find loads of DVDs that come from Malaysia. Feels like home.
• Eating meat is rich man's food. Eating vegetables are for poor people.
• You can get alot of books that are sold in Malaysia for a fraction of the price. However, they are not the originals. But, eventhough they are copies, they look as good as the originals. I bought a Lonely Planet Cambodian Guide book for 2USD, slightly less than RM8. In MPH, that same book is selling for RM 92.

There is so much more that I can't really recall right now. But when I remember, I'll add to the list.

The Thinking Well

Things currently on my mind now:

1. My friend in UTM is only paying RM800 a semester for his engineering course. In a year, he has only 2 semesters. So, go figure how much he has to pay a year. Unlike him, I have to pay around RM 10k for the same course in MMU. Somehow, I feel poorer even before I start working. Ok, I said, I 'feel'.
2. Been wanting to get a new pc. Didn't know that buying one is so tedious. So much reading up has to be done. Sadly, the new pc I want to get has overshot my budget by about 1k.
3. My supplementary paper...on the 17th of June. Time is running out. I've gone thru so many failures that I don't know what to feel anymore. Feels like my streak to perfection has been terribly tainted.
4. Final Year Project (FYP) - So many titles. So many lecturers. Only one title and one lecturer in the end. I don't know what to choose. They tell me to choose something I like. I would, but what are my chances of getting what I like. The effect of failing a few times has dampened my esteem. I'm so afraid to set my heart on my topic and my lecturer for fear of rejection. Then I have to start the selection process all over again. I'm looking for someone to partner with. Teamwork. But is my past failures a reason why I might do this project alone?
5. Industrial Training - I have no idea what company will hire me, or where I might be placed. I'm excited for it. New environment. My final year. What awaits me?
6. Somehow, I'm still missing Cambodia, for the wrong reasons. Cambodia felt like a place of escape. When I was there, I was away from the routine life of studying. The life of a student. I didn't have to think of my own academic achievements. If only I was back there. I would be happily teaching the kids English and preaching the Word of God. Time isn't right yet. Would love to go back there again though.
7. What happens when I graduate? Will I get a great job? Will I make it big in life?

So many things swimming in my head. So many uncertainties. God, I need to trust You. I need.

Quote for the day :

Pray as if everything depends on God
Work as if everything depends on you

My Lifeline

My fingers clumsily tread the keyboard. Foreign and out of place. It's been a long time since I let my fingers do the talking of my heart. Traces of fear linger. Fear that somebody might be offended. Fear that what I say will be misunderstood as weakness.

This is my life
It's about time I personalised it


My fingers scream from the cuts
Of holding on too dearly
My lifeline used to be a single strong Cord
Unbreakable
As the seasons changed
My cord got thicker and thicker
Lined with perishables
Though thick, it was weak
My hands grew smaller
Among the mass of tangled priorities
My grip weakened
Slipping
The cords were just too many for me to hold
Insecure
Still holding on so tight
A knife had to cut the weaker cords
As it weaved through the air
I cried as I saw one by one
The unimportant chords drop
Those were dear to me
Yet not as important
By the time it was over
Only a few strands were left in my hand
The few major lifelines I had started out initially
I looked at my hands
I saw the scar of the cuts
The cuts from holding on dearly
To the one Cord
Now I remember so clearly
The passion
The desire
The fire
It's about time for ignition
Somehow
The scarred hand seem to grip the cords perfectly
The groove left by the scars
Carefully enveloped each cord
Now I understand

Post-Cambodia Syndrome

I just got back from a Mission Trip to Cambodia. Less than 24 hours after touching down on Malaysian soil, I'm back in the comforts of my Melakan home. Feels good to be home. Miss my family.

Well, now I'm back to the mundane routine of my life. Somehow, I miss Cambodia, I miss the team, I miss the Khmer people, I miss the sights...having 'post-cambodia syndrome'. A part of me still wishes I'm back there again. Being there, you're away from your routined life, and that's more appealing to me. However, the cold reality that I'm back to my normal life is slowly sinking in. I don't know what to expect this holidays. Before my trip, I was looking forward to the remainder of my holidays. Now, I don't feel the same. Guess it has something to do with purpose. When I was there, I sensed purpose. Being back here, I've been disoriented for a bit. Need to find my purpose again.

I've got so much to say about the trips I've been on. But words don't come easy, and people are sometimes not interested with words. So, I'll spill the beans here and there.

For now, all I am feeling is I miss the guys and gals I've slowly grown accustomed to during the 10 days I was at Cambodia. Feeling a little bit empty. Well, to the normal life, here I come!


Cheers to you all! May God continue to be with you.

I said Hey! What's going on!

What's been going on:

4-14 April - Final Exams ( Cyberjaya )
15 April - ended up in Low Yat to claim warranty for dead hard disk ( KL )
16-17 April - CF Committee retreat ( Kajang )
18-21 April - IF Camp 2005 ( Penang )
21-23 April - Penang Trip with some ex-Group 4 people and some tag-along-ers ( Penang )
23-24 April - Taiping Trip - get stuff for missions ( Taiping )
25-30 April - Mission Trip Training ( Melaka )
1 May - ended up lepaking with the FGA ppl having a family camp in Melaka.
2 May - Trip back to Cyberjaya ( Cyberjaya ) Had Prayer Service ( Subang )
3 May - Packed and got ready for the mission trip
4-14 May - Mission Trip to Cambodia ( Cambodia )
15 May - Back in Melaka ( Melaka )

This has been my 'running-around' for the past one month or so. I really need a holiday....