Monday, September 27, 2004

all dressed up and nowhere to go

all dressed up and no where to go...
just completed my supp exam paper. thank God i could do it. now i leave the results to the hands of God...i've done my part, and my best.

felt like shouting out, like, "Yeah! it's over". realised i would be shouting alone...everyone has already experienced this feeling ages ago. since the semester started one week ago, i've been preparing for this paper while my housemates are free to indulge in their games, my other friends, gone out shopping and to outings and to movies...me...stuck here. but what to do?

feel relieved that at least it's over. now i can get on with my life...the life of constant study for this coming semester. every semester it's liek the same...i set my goals high...but always fall short of it. but i'll still keep aiming high...i won't give up...go all the way with it...my best...even if fail trying.

so much i want to do...i've just been let out of prison...standing in the front entrance, bidding my cell mates goodbye. holding my bag of clothes, the only property i owned during the dark days...i tip my hat to the sun, good to see you again...i take in a breath of fresh air, my lungs the state of a bursting balloon.the world is before me...a second chance...it's good to be free...

Saturday, September 25, 2004


some writers just stick on you. some people dig Tom Clancy, some Stephen King, some John Grisham,some JRR Tolkien, some CS Lewis, some Sidney Sheldon, some Danielle Steel (or was it Steele), and a whole list of other writers, including God. yeah, He wrote the BestSeller:)

anyways, i've finally found one that i've really enjoyed his masterpieces. was in the library yesterday, supposedly studying, and i stumbled upon 2 novels by John Irving. yeah, that's the punk who wrote The World According to Garp, and it's been a good read. well, i borrowed those other 2 books : A Widow for One Year and A Prayer for Owen Meany. the gist of the story written on the backpages really got me wanting to read it immediately. unfortunately, my test wouldn't be questioning me on who's who by John Irving. sighz! so much for literature.
anyways, i'm looking forward to a long good read after my exams:)

some authors are too technical, some too abstract, some too serious and boring, but some has the soup at just the right temperature. that's John Irving for me;) challengingly creative and sardonically funny.

if you stop reading, you stop learning
read for your future
read for your kids

-this message is a community service message-


i speak what i must
to let the air out of my lungs
meanless, but essential
i'd rather burst trying
than die keeping it in like a horrible fart
if i say
'you're stupid'
will you feel offended?
not you
wasn't talking about you;)
it was the other person down the street
who has feathers on his caps
and a bag of cold hard coins
the mind is a platform of sorts
the stage of events to take place
yet not even happen
it's all in the mind
the flap of a butterfly wing
could cause a typhoon
on the other side of the world
the butterfly effect
is this really it?
mary had a little lamb
but does it really matter
if it was a dog or cat?
jottings of the mind
excuse me
i need to fart...


betrayed with a smile
undone with a frown
landed hopes
never to take flight again
you gave yourself away
you sold your heart
i never knew the magnitude
of the speed of your drifting
i never knew the velocity
in which you were swept away
i never knew you let yourself
fall in the hopes and dreams
and arms of the others
u fell and crawled
i never knew
find yourself
find your peace
redeem your heart
redeem your self
i wish i could
but the winds are changing
i'm here

Friday, September 24, 2004

a tribute to solitude

the silence creeps upon me like nite
slowly but surely
the sickening feeling of being alone
eats to my guts
i've hardly felt this before
this foreign feeling...
playing solitaire
boredom is my highlight
'boring' was never my motto
now this desease creeps
into my system
how did it ever get here
i wait
will You come?
will You fill me?
desperate for a touch
more than just human
a touch of love
it's all quiet
drawn away from
the maddening crowd
are You leading me?
am I to find You?
please come...

not good enough

can i make it clean again.
not good enough
i can't fix it
bent and broken
knowledge isn't always good
a blank sheet to start with
but can u see the folds
empty but filled
wasted and wiped away
i'm sorry
sorry isn't good enough
if i could offer back
your innocence
i would
the pearls of time
all my doing
i'm sorry
sorry isn't good enough
if i could make it right
if time was tangible
i'm sorry
sorry isn't good enough

Thursday, September 23, 2004

week one already?

so begins the semester...everyone is having a helluva time meeting old pals up and doing crazy stuff. and here i am, sitting at home studying. can't wait to get over with this supplementary paper, and start preparing for my semester studies. so far, i haven't missed a single class, and i've been awake for all my classes. miraculously, i have enough sleep each nite and i manage to wake up in time for all my classes. praise God!

well, i felt despair as i was preparing for my supp exams. so far, most of the classmates i know passed, and i was the only dumbo who failed. it kinda gives u a sucky feeling...like u're such a dumbass. i've been asking God why...why do i have to go through this? i faced this situation last semester, and this semester too? i really don't understand. and there i am with ppl praising God for their good results...and i ask God, why can't i be liek them too. how come i'm not the one giving testimony of my good results? i did study, but the wrong things. i couldn't answer coz i studied the wrong things. questions just comes. I know that God loves me and all that...but sometimes, it's harder to face it. i really felt weird when some of my friends tried encouraging me with 'holy talk', and i was so pushed back by it. i wonder if there were others who felt like me when i tried encouraging them liek that.

anyways, there's still alot of things to thank God for i guess. and my spirit is still not dampened. jsut a setback as for now, but my life goes on.really excited about this semester. jsut have to get over this exam, and the world is before me.woohoo!

jsut got back from seeing my lecturer about the paper, and he's been a great help. really gonna study what he told me to. gonna leave the results to God. just gonna be faithful with my studies and give it my best shot. the results are in his hands.

things to look forward to:
1)getting ready for CyberChristmas
2)jamming with Knil Army
3)working on my own Rubber Band
4)studying this semesters subjects
5)shopping....(i've been deprived of this since all the mega sales falls on my exam period)

back to studies for now...

Monday, September 20, 2004

the world according to.....

The World According To Garp, by John Irving is one of the best novel i've ever read. it's simplistic plan that slowly unveils itself kept me entertained during the last week of my holidays. I just couldn't put the book down. the story is pretty deep and thick. the plot goes all the way down and up again. and every bit is explained in due time. it's not one of those novels where you go ,"what the Heck!", at the end, but rather it leaves a satisfying after-effect to your mind. (it should, since it has nearly 600 pages. if it didn't i would have murdered the author). this novel can't be described with a few words, so if you happen to come across this book, get a read on it. no regrets!

The trimester is bout to begin in a few hours time. as i sit here typing, i'm bogged by my supplementary exams. everyone else is enjoying themselves getting into gear for the start of skool. i'm doing the same, minus the enjoyment part. it's nice to hear ppl getting what they prayed for like passing the exams, getting 6 As, achieving this, and that. and i look at myself...what did i miss out? all i asked was to get 3.00 and i missed that. life. i know it's just an exam, but still, wouldn't it be nice to get some nice grades for awhile? Lord, there's so much i don't understand...

"I don't wanna live in a bubble
but i don't wanna be hurt"

Thursday, September 16, 2004

from Nero to Hero!

note correction:

Heard from Zero to Hero? well, this case is from Nero to Hero.
yeap! talking bout that lil' pup. after further discussion, the majority won anonymously that the name should be Hero. it's kinda getting cute. and somehow, i'm bonding pretty much with it. that lil' punk seems to be marking it's territory everywhere.sighz! dogs will be dogs.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004


why do i feel this way
this stupidity overwhelms me
so in need of Grace

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

and then there was Nero

mum said a dog has been in the housing area for sometime. and yesterday, dad suddenly let it into our compound. immediately, it made itself at home, marking it's territory here and there with a flick of it's leg and a few drops of piss. dogs will be dogs. well, my sisters took an immediate liking to it, so did my dad. my mum was a little apprehensive at first, but it soon grew on her. from the looks of it, the dog looks pretty old but quite well trained. there was a cut on it's eye, and soon enough, my dad and sisters gave it a thorough bath and some medication for the eye. somehow, the name Nero came up. sounds dumb to me, but ask my sisters. i liked the name Blackie better.


this is the other dog i have, Sunni (pronounced as Soon-Nee)

GIG-Get Into God!!! (part 2)


i thought i was late for breakfast. everyone was already there finishing their meal. was too full to eat, but still forced myself to have a bite. it was a really big bite...a whole plateful of potato wedges and eggs! halfway through my meal, there was a small commotion as Joel brought the gift for Pastor Kenneth and Pastor Sandra's Wedding Anniversary into the dining hall. we cheered! 9 years of marriage! Praise the Lord! btw, yesterday was Joel's birthday. after the meal, had to take a couple of panadols to kill the headached. thanks to Jill who was the 'nurse'.

at church, if i've forgotten to mention, it was this shoplot, a huge one, and the place really look kewl! it was spacious and the colors matched each other. not to forget, the lightings they had was really artistic! i've never seen a church like it. it also had that spinning disco ball up above us. wonder what that's for? anyways, where was i? oh yeah! the morning's event was a session taken by Pastor Kenneth to share the vision God gave to him years ago to the leaders of the churches here. i sat and listened and i was challenged all over again. it was another reminder to me why i was serving in Acts church. after that session, we had a break followed by a family-youth forum. we had two panels and we talked about what problems parents faced with youths and vice-versa. really hope it managed to clear up some stuff between the 2 generations.

we had lunch nearby, and the musicians had to come back early to soundcheck for the nite's concert. honestly, this church had state of the art musical equipments and sound systems! the amp i used for my acoustic guitar could make any guitar sound good! hehe! by the time we soundchecked...i was pretty wonked out. i was tired and drowsy. and the flu lingering in my system wasn't helping much. as i sat on the stage listening to the choir going through their rounds, i actually dozed off! that's how tired i was. i was so engrossed in getting back to the hotel room to get some sleep that i didn't pack my guitar case properly. when i lifted up the case later on, the case opened and my guitar plopped out clumsily like a broken doll to the floor. sighz...the guitar fell....again! i inspected the damage, *ouch*. my heart broke a lil as i saw a terrible looking indent on the front side of the guitar. it's like seeing a small but noticeable dent on your car. mien! i was bummed! everyone saw it, and tried to console me as though i got news that my guitar had cancer:p after awhile, i wasn't really bothered. all i wanted was to have enough rest, so that during the concert that nite, i wouldn't feel lethargic and i could give God my best in the worship. that was all that's on my mind. the moment i reached back to the hotel....*zonked out*

woke up with enough time to get ready and head back...this time all geared up and without that irritatin headache. Praise God! i guess that short moment of sleep really did me good. i was excited! i was all geared up to rock the concert! i was excited for God to move! we reached church and prayed our hearts out with the rest of the leaders. this was also an evangelistic concert, and we claimed lives for God in our prayer. i could feel the excitement rising!

the emcees came up and their overused line, "let's make some noise" really got the crowd noisy alrite. the 1st band that came up was Orange Stained Shirt consisting of 4 teenagers. they were all so young....i dun even dare call them teenagers. maybe they were jsut kids. i guess bout 10-12. seriously that young! the drummer was really good and he was only 10. i don't know about the rest, but one of the guitars was played by a girl! go gurl! she didn't look like a girl in fact. must be due she still look kiddy or something. but we were told that they won the Battle Of The Bands this year. they sung 3 songs...they were good for their age. i was really impressed! somehow, Kuching had alot of young musical talent. Their songs reminded me of Jason Lo.

after they ended their last song, the Actstream band (that's us) came up! we played our hearts out! WE sang our all. i played liek never before. it's a different atmosphere playing for Sunday Service and a concert. but i made sure my heart was right before God as i stepped onto the stage. it was a tremendous time of worship. i stared into the crowd and it was packed to the max, bout 600 ppl on that hall. the air was thick with praise and worship.

in between, Elsa shared her testimony of how God saved her and her family. it was awesome!
as we ended, Pastor Kenneth came up and took over. he preached about his challenge to the young ppl to take their generation for JEsus Christ. about half of his message was filled with laughter. it was funny, i admit! but as he closed the message, he said that he had come to the serious part: GET INTO GOD! i was moved as i saw young ppl touched by God in that place. nearly everyone responded to the altar call. i had the experience of praying for the people. something i've hardly done. it's just amazing to see young ppl turn their hearts to God. till now, the image of young ppl turning their hearts to God never fail to move me. we prayed and prayed and after praying for everyone, we closed with a couple more songs.

as we left, i manage to meet up some familiar faces i met the day before and really had a great time fellowshipping with them. we had supper and then balik to sleep

next day was a lil more relaxed since we didn't have to be in charge of anything. however, we were asked to dress our sunday best, which included a tie for the guys. felt a bit weird as we walked into a church full of youth dressed casually and here we were, with ties and all. Pastor Kenneth had gone over to the adult church while Pastor Sandra took the Youth Service. worship was great! the place was pack once again with young ppl. this time i saw the disco light thing spinning as we worshiped. then afterwards, a peculiar communion service was held. they got us in groups of ten, with ppl we didn't know and asked one representative to come forth. i went out for my group. we were brought to this table which had a few huge loafs of uncut bread and some cups of juice. i took a chunk of bread and a cup back to my group. we were suppsoed to divide the bread and the juice for the communion. it was kewl! after that, they asked for representative from the different churches gathered and each one held on to one end of a huge cloth. that cloth was the offering bag! yeah, we had to walk in front and drop our offering into it. another kewl thing!

Pastor Sandra took on the message and challenged the people with her message and God moved again. The altar was packed once again and we prayed again. GOd was really movign in that place. i really hope it won't be a one time thing but an on-going process of change taking place in their lives.

after that we went for lunch, and a lil shopping jsut to get something for our loved ones back home. Kuching had some kewl shopping complexes:P not to forget a Coffee Bean and Kenny Rogers. got loads of pepper for my mum. hehe!

went back to the hotel, and packed and off we went to the airport. the day we touched down on Kuching it rained heavily for a while. then there was no rain. as we were about to leave Kuching it started pouring...till some roads were flooded! MIEN!

same thing, one group got onto MAS and the other on Air Asia. wanna thank God for protecting us all the way there and back. really thankful He sustained me from catching a fever.
all in all, it's been a totally aweseom experience for me. i've learnt so much from the people around me. and it's been great fellowship with the other team members. sometimes, church isn't enough to get to know one another till u actaully hang out with them and work with them.


GIG-Get Into God!!! (part 1)

back from GIG! it was a tremendously awesome experience. now in the comforts of my home in Melaka.

well, everything started on Thursday nite. the GIG team was going to Sarawak in 2 groups coz we couldnt get everyone into the same flight...i think so:P so the 1st group flew on MAS Airlines on Thursday nite. I was in the 2nd group, using Air Asia. and our flight was on Friday morning at 7 am. anyways, the 1st group had the privilege of reaching Kuching by 12am on Friday, and had the comfort of sleeping in the hotel, and having the hotel breakfast. the 2nd group however, had to bunk in homes near Subang on thursday nite, get little sleep before getting dragged out of bed at 4am, to meet at the airport, fly all the way there with heavy eyes and reach the hotel in time to miss breakfast. but, it was all fun! woohoo!

really thank God we arrrived safely! our plane hit some turbulence here and there but i felt peace the whole way, unlike the last flight i had. all the morning suffering was compensated with having an awesome lunch session at Jit Nee's parents home. her mum is a tremendous cook. altogether, there were 19 of us in the team, but i think she prepared food for 50 ppl! it was alot! there was like 3 rice cookers of Chicken Rice...loads of chicken and pork...and vege and fruits and prawns...and .....loads of delicious stuff. i had 3 huge helpings...after being 'encouraged' to eat more. halfway throught the 3rd plate, i was on teh verge of exploding. Albert said eating liek this was more like long distance running: we should start eating at a constant pace. whateva! i had to really focus hard to get that last bit of meat into my already tired mouth. ultimately i did it, after much struggle. cut the long story short, we had a thanksgiving session to God after wards for teh safe journey and a little walk around town to get some lil souvenirs first. the walk aroudn that area of town brought back alot of nostalgic memories, coz i did walk down those streets jsut a few months earlier.

somehow, this time round, i didn't feel so much like a tourist, but more of a Man With a Mission. so instead of venturing out sumore, i felt i needed all the rest i could get to give my best that nite. slept the moment i entered the hotel till wake up time. most of us slept too. that nite, Pastor Sandra took a short session about Worship and after that we broke up into our workshop groups. Pastor Sandra's message was a gentle reminder to me again about worship. i had to undertake the guitar worship workshop with Bryan. it was my first time ever conducting such a thing and i was a lil panicky...dropped my guitar even thinking about it *ouch* as i stood before the group of budding guitarists, i went blank, and all i wanted to say to them left me totally. really appreciate Bryan filling in and taking over till i had time to think. we couldn't really cover much on the aspects of skills and techniques, but i hope i had imparted to them on the reason why we worship with our instruments and how do we go about it. had to cut the session short as time ran out. later we gathered together again for Band Dynamics lead by David Gary. He called out various bands to try out the band dynamics. after all that, we had supper. The locals treated us really well and brought us to nice places to have our dinner-cum-supper. after all that, what else sumore? sleep la!

next day woke up with a sore head...due to the flu and the lack of sleep the nite before. felt really screwed up but i was looking forward to the meeting. was really groggy as i stepped into the shower, refreshed as i felt the hot water spray on me and sleepy as i stepped out again. haha, so much for the hot shower. walked into the breakfast lounge with a dazed look. headached still pounding.

to be continued

Thursday, September 09, 2004

GIG.....on the way

tomoro's the big day! GIG Kuching here we come!
kinda excited bout the whole thing. keep praying for us ok:) the team is bonding really well, and i'm excited to see what God's gonna do.not too sure what's gonna happen, but i'm expecting God to move mightily. won't be here for the next few days (friday-sunday).
see you all soon!

Latte @ 8

latte @ 8 was a new experience for me...the closest ill get to Jay Leno or David Letterman or Conan O'Brien.
kewl stuff...chun coffee...

waiting for Far Cry...

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Friday, September 03, 2004


a soldier in this life
so much to accomplish
too much to conquer
so little strength

the lands are vastly appearing
white flag of surrender at hand
choices awaits to be selected
each decision bearing consequences
good or bad
i don't know

can i withdraw from this battlefield
from the emotional turmoil and stress
can i lay my arms down
and get some rest

i don't wanna fight anymore
to face accusations that is
worse than bullets in the flesh
why is it that it's just so hard

sometimes trying isn't good enough for you
sometimes it's just pointless
it's unfair when ur wages are paid
with unbalanced scales
how can a man earn enough to feed his soul?

for every finger you point at me
think again...3 more pointing back at you
whatever you said i have done
you've already done those yourself
that's why you know my mistakes so well
they were yours

i wish you well
i wish you happiness and joy
my island is here
it's you who have drifted shores


Been home for slightly more than 24 hours. So far, all's good! This place never fails me when it comes to needing rest. I am well rested i can say, eventhough it's such a short time being here.
well, some of the joys of being home besides my kewl parents and good food, is my lil sis

she really makes me feel at home. it's good to be told that you're missed and that you should stay longer:) that's what home's are for!

wanted to hang out with my friend i met at KLIA the other day. sad to say, i heard that he flew to China yesterday morning! missed my chance to meet him up again.

well...got to go back to Subang this Saturday for GIG practice. so my hol's are really short.

till then....have a great holidays!

Thursday, September 02, 2004


i'm reporting from Melaka:) reached here about 1 am early this morning. just finished watching Serendipity:) nice show! i didn't know that Kate Beckinsdale was soooooo HOT! anyways, the thing that i caught from the show was this line : "the Greeks didn't have obituaries. they just asked about the person: Did he have Passion?" asking myself that too. living...do i live passionately enough?

it's been a real lazy few days. camp was great! relaxing and fun! from 29th August till Independance...at Beachpoint Bungalow, Port Dickson...We had none other than Mr Vincent Pee! It was a great time of resting at the same time being spiritually challenged! Uncle Vincent asked us simple, yet thought-provoking questions like, why are u a Christian? and a few others...which got me thinking about the fundamentals of my faith. He was a serious speaker, but i prefered his off-session chats like how he met his wife and other stories. what i enjoyed the most about camp was meeting up people.getting to know new ppl.it's jsut fun! not to forget, i fell in love with Captain Ball! woohoo! sweet stuff man! hope to bring it back to the Cyber-scapes. so much more to say ab0ut camp, but i think i'll save that for later.

the day camp ended, most campers caught up on sleep...Merdeka Day....all most of us pig-ging out on our beds. at nite, we were like lost souls, with nothing to do, so we kinda lepak-ed at Tesco. it's fun to see bonding sessions taking place otuside of camp.

then I had GIG practice, that's why i had to leave Subang so late. if not, i'd be home on Wednesday morning itself. really wanna thank God for granting me safe journey all the way back. left bout 11 pm from Acts Church. half way, got a lil oozy so i took a nap along one of the stops. thank God that He protected me all the way.

well, here i am...gonna kick some butt here in Melaka too.....oooo...smelling home cooked food