Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Life as a journey

I've always pictured Life as a journey. It's so cliched, I know. Other times, Life is like a race, a fight, a roller coaster, a box of chocolates...you get the idea.

Today I was reading this book, and it mentioned about Life as a journey. And this time round, the meaning became more apparent to me.

I pictured myself taking a long drive to a far away land. My journey. As I drove, I came across beautiful mountain ranges. After a while, I saw a beautiful lake in the horizon. It was a great view. Then I passed some canyon. The sight took my breathe away. Since it's a long journey, I took a stop some place to rest. I carried on, and after some time, I passed all the beautiful mountains. After that, the desert loomed up ahead. So for the next few days, it was just driving through hot, barren land. Once that period was over, I reached the highway. The journey became much faster and smoother. After a couple of tolls, it was the city. Traffice began building up and everyone just got irritated. All the cars were honking. It was mayhem. The skyscrapers that surrounded the city made it a concrete jungle to begin with. Once all that was over, it was the quiet, empty road of the wilderness again. I got to see the mountains again. And then, since I was in a 4x4 vehicle, I decided to take a drive through the jungle and make a track of my own. Chart a path that I can call mine. The story goes on and on.

It was all imagination. But if Life is a journey, it would be something like that. In this picture, the scenery is always changing. The landscape is constantly evolving. If I look at my life that way, the situations and scenarios in my life will keep flipping its cards. One moment, it would be this story, then the next, it's another story. It's beginning to sink in that the journey may not be smooth and perfect as much as we want it to be. We may plan our path out, but the potholes are still there and we have to go through them. When the traffic gets too congested, it seems that life is slowing down. On the highway, we're just moving about too quickly to even enjoy some of life's littlest pleasures. The situations keep changing, but we have to keep moving on.

It is also a reminder to me not to hold on to tightly to a particular scenery. If I do, once the view changes, I'd be disoriented thinking that it would be the same still. Remember and take in as much as the view allows us. Once it changes, the key is to adapt to the new surroundings.

At this moment, it feels like I just left the main road, and got dirty in the off-roads. Time to charter a path of my own.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Things aside....

How can I change the world?
Just one man.....what can I do?


Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The year of the Pig

The year of the pig/boar (whatever makes you happy) is here. Not being racist, but if you're chinese, you'd probably understand the meaning. It's the 2nd time that this similar year has occured, meaning, I'll be 24 this year! It happens in cycles of 12 years. The next time the 'pig' comes my way, i'll be 36, so on and so forth.
I'm not religious. It so happens that I'm born a Chinese into the year of the pig...

I know this fact, but I can't help saying it again: Time does fly.

I'm already 24, or going to be. What have I done with my life?
I'll leave that for another blog post.

This will be one of the longest holiday I'll have back in Melaka. A whole week! I have been looking forward for this Chinese New Year celebration. It has come and gone pretty quickly. It's already the 4th day of the new year, the chinese one. It's another reminder that since the New Year, the non-chinese one, I still have yet to do my mission and vision statement for myself. It's already the 2nd month into 2007. I have been putting this off. Pardon my reflection. Sometimes, I'm so busy that I don't take time off to reflect. Doing all that as I'm typing this entry.

For this new year, the chinese one, I made it a point to buy new clothes. It's some Chinese tradition that one must clothe himself with new things for the new year. I don't buy into that, but heck, who doesn't like new clothes? So for the past 24 years of my life, I've always worn some new outfit just for kicks. It's probably my upbrining, but I'm totally cool with that. This year, I didn't have anything new to wear. So in the name of Chinese tradition, I went shopping. Neat huh? Got my second pair of Levi's and my first ever Plastic apparel. I hate to admit it, but I've become a Plastic fan.
Thank you, dear shopping companion, for helping me make my selections. It was really fun. We should do it again sometime soon. Your taste makes me feel like I'm an old fart. And no...I'm not gonna wear something that has "We Are Family" on it no matter how cool it looks. Plain corny.

Home's been good. Dad has been imparting lots of 'pearls of wisdom'. But it comes in intermittent barrages. Some of it still has yet to sink in. But it's all good. He did mention that some chapters in life are meant to be left as it is. The other rides will come and go. Just hop on one and see where it takes me to. Who knows what the future holds? It's just one of those precious moments where father and son connect mentally and emotionally, over a couple of bottles of wine:P

I'm still trying to deal with the emotional scars from the past few months. It's been ok...as long as I don't think about it. But when I do, it still hurts. But pain reminds me that it was so good, that's why it hurts so bad. Now who said that? Came across that phrase from some movie. Sometimes I catch myself feeling bitter when I do think about it. But I'm learning to deal with it. When I think too far, I have to bring myself to deal with it a day at a time. My dad said that if I can look as if nothing bad has happened to me, then it could possibly mean that I've overcomed the obstacle and healed. At the moment, I have yet to reach that level. I'm trying to forgive and let go. Just met another friend that shares the same life principle as me: don't go out with your buddies ex. plain ugly. haha.

This week, I thought about you, and it frightens me. Could it be? I really don't know. Why are you invading my thoughts? But it puts a smile on my face:) Time will tell what it's supposed to be.

By the way, did I meantion, it's 5.40am?

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


To the

Could have been...
Would have been...
Should have been...

Happy Valentine's Day

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Thoughts in the night

Hate is a very strong emotion. There's the good kind, and also the bad kind. The good kind of hate will allow you to focus on the bad stuff and overcome it. For example, if you hate laziness or any bad habit, it will help you focus to not be lazy. But it's the bad kinda hate that is bothering me now.

Hating people is a lose-lose situation. As far as experience tells me, when you hate someone, intentionally or unintentionally, you lose out both ways. There is nothing to gain from it.

For one, it really sucks the strength from you. Hate has the capability to drain you out emotionally. And also spiritually. And for all you know, you may have that feeling towards someone else, and the other person might not know about it. So you're clapping your hand in a way.

I don't really wanna talk about hate, but it's been on my mind now. So instead of talking about the actual problem, which I have no liberty to put up on this blog, I have diverted the topic into issues with hate.

So, just let go and stop hating. It frees you. Much easier said than done.

To be honest, I am not that ok. And there are many things running through my mind. But I'll leave them for another day.

If only you had released this heart when you were unsure about yourself, I might not be here facing this sense of utter loss. I might have chartered a different path for myself. I might have found another secret.

If you had not made empty promises, I wouldn't have hoped so much, or secretly planned and schemed. But I did hope, and I did plan, and now that you went back on your word, it feels like those promises were tiny hooks just ripping out the heart.

But at the end of the day, there is no one to blame but myself. For being stupid enough to buy into empty promises and hoping on broken dreams. For holding on when there is no point, or even fighting a losing battle. I know that God is still good. But these are the stuff I got to deal with daily till I am free again.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

The thing about charity....

Today, of all days, I went to work early. On normal days, I reach the office bout 8.45am-9.00am. But due to some early appointments, I was in by 8.30am. I looked at the parking lot, it was quite empty. The thought running through my head at that time was where in the world is my colleague's car. I was about to park my car in front of my office, when I heard tyres screeching. And then....*bang*. It was more like a *thud*

I looked to my left...and I saw this Kancil literally kissing my car's butt...on the left cheek:P My car was still a few feet into the lot.

Somehow, I didn't panic. I managed to get my car into the parking lot, and got out to check the damage. It wasn't much, except that the body above the wheels was dented here and there. On closer inspection, my wheels looked like it was slightly slanted. The impact might had shifted it off the axis by a couple of degrees.

All this while, the lady in the other car was apologising and explaining in Cantonese, and I had to bluntly cut her short and embarassingly explain I can't understand a word she's saying. She switched to English in a blink and I still couldn't process what she's saying. In my head, I was replaying the whole sequence. I was on my side of the road, she was following behind. I signalled left to turn in, and just when the signal went off, she runs into me. She must have been following me quite closely and at very high speed.

Through her incessant apology, I didn't have the heart to ask her to pay up then and there. She explained she was late for work, which was a couple of blocks down from my office. I was also rushing, so I just took her number and car number plate and told her I'll get back to her. She had that kind of 'blank/disturbed' look on her face. As if she was thinking of something else and was really deep in thought while this whole thing took place.

Later on, after processing everything, I smsed her to ask her how to settle it. She replied me that she's facing financial difficulty and she found out that her husband's having an affair with someone else. I really didn't have to know that. That was probably why she had that 'occupied' look on her face. Like she was thinking deeply about something else and wasn't aware that I had slowed down to turn. After hearing something like that...how could I still 'extort' money from her? But...maybe she was pulling my leg for some sort of get-a-way sympathy. I really don't know. But I really bought her story. What if she was really telling the truth? What is a couple of hundred bucks compared to having known your husband cheated on you?

When it comes to issues like this, I wonder if I am soft...as in, throw me a touching story, and I'll buy it...even if it's not real. I can't tell.

Later on I smsed her that if she hadn't banged my car, we wouldn't even have to pay a single cent. But now that it's happened, we should work something out. It's not my fault at all. It would be unfair for me to fork out cash for something I didn't even cause. I told her I'd get it fix and show her the bill. And she can pay me later on. I wished her all the best with her husband, and she replied that she would pay me when she gets her cash and thanked me for understanding.

Later on, I was walking around the hospital, and just as I was about to go to my car, this old man and a somewhat 'mentally challenged' kid comes up to me. He looked relaly poor and his shirt was really all grossed out wiht soil. He was speaking in Cantonese and I had to cut him by explaining I can't udnerstand him. And he switches to English in a blink (dejavu). He told me he needed some some cash to buy himself those asthma pumps. He had one in his hand, but he said it's finished and he needs to get a new one. The kid beside him had this 'spaced-out' look in his eyes. Halfway through explaining, the kid goes into a fit of sorts. And I bought into that. I thought...hey, maybe he's really poor, and his son is really retarded. So I gave him some money. I know that people would usually ask me to refrain from giving. But I didn't have the time to walk him to the pharmacy to actually buy one. So I just gave, hoping it would make a difference somehow.

The thing about doing charity nowdays, is that it has to be done through proper channels. If not, there are a lot of scams going on out there to suck your money. And eventhough you have good intentions, the help goes into the wrong hands and end up becoming support for a possible druggie. I really don't know.

When I did get to my car, I did pray and ask God for wisdom in the coming times. I really gave out of good intentions. I wanted to help. These people that I gave to, could be Jesus in disguise, the one where He told his disciples, that when you feed the poor, you're feeding Him, when you clothe the naked, you're clothing Him, when you shelter the homeless, you're sheltering Him. It could just be Him. So maybe, I give my part. What happens next, I leave it to God. What you sow, you will reap. So if it was a scam, the people behind it will reap their sowing when the season comes.

Anyways, I was talking to a friend later on about the incident, and she said that medication in the government hospitals is almost free. At most you pay, RM 5. That asthma pump would have been really cheap. So maybe...., just maybe..... I was duped! Well, life goes on. The sun shines on both the good and the bad. And God is still good.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007


Day 6

It should have been a picture of me...

Friday, February 02, 2007

* emotional paraplegic *

When I think I'm ok and getting better, I find myself flat on the foor again.
God, You win, ok!
What's going on? Are you drilling into my head the fact that I cannot do this on my own?
Wait a minute...of coz You are.
Alrite....I really can't do this on my own. And all this while, I've been pushing on with my own strength... and keep failing...miserably.

It sucks to be an emotional paraplegic, but that's what I am Lord...and I can't drag on this way. I desperately need your spiritual crutches to get going while I heal. Maybe I might be this way for life: A spiritual cripple with no other source of dependance but You.

Won't You heal me Lord? soon?