Saturday, November 11, 2006
This is my life transition as of today ( view flow chart ) :
In terms of housing location
Cyberjaya ( Cyberia ) -> Kelana Jaya ( House #3, just behind LRT station ) -> USJ12 ( Josh's house a.k.a. Beng's Corner )
In terms of work
Fresh graduate -> 3 days in IKEA ( Com-in Department ) -> 1 Month in Motorola (Field Tester ) -> Delta Medisains ( Product Consultant for Lumenis, USA )
And all this happened in the span of 3 months. My current job is along the sales line. My product is mainly dealing with surgical lasers, which requires a wee bit of my engineering background as well. So, not everythings wasted. I travel around alot, visiting hospitals, clinics and other medical institutions. I talk to doctors, nurses, medical assistants...and anyone that is related to these areas : ENT, Ophtalmic, Urology and Dental. The job has been pretty good so far. Alot to learn, like how do I deal with people, and striking a conversation out of nothing and getting answers from them without asking directly. On top of that, I got to know my products really well. In case you never knew, the laser that I sell can actually burn a hole through your flesh and blast away kiney stones and the likes. Nasty stuff.
Ok, enough about my job for now. Will elaborate more later.
In the mean time, I have to confess that I'm having withdrawal syptoms from lack of the internet. My whole Cyberjaya/Uni life has been revolving around the internet. Everything I do almost involves a PC too. That's how I organise my things, time, money...and stay connected to people. Not just the internet. More accurately, broadband! Everything's a lot faster than dial-up...which I'm using to type this entry.
This is my plea to why I need Streamyx. For those who've heard me rant this before, just skip to the bottom of the page for the next part. But for those who haven't, bear with me.
It's hard to stay connected without the internet. Chat programs are the cheaper alternatives to smses and phone calls. And because of that, alot of information, important ones too, are sent through emails of some sort. Sometimes I miss out important things because I can't access my email. In my office now, we have a few laptops that are shared with everyone else. And these laptops are used mainly for work related stuff. So, I can't just go and check my mail in the midst of doing my work. That would be unacceptable. I also miss downloading stuff. That's besides the point. There are times when I need to do a research on some product or procedure, it's so difficult. It's easy to say, go to a cybercafe. But CC's are just blasting away with gamers. It's not easy to do your work or to download relevant materials there as well.
Anyways, where was I? I guess it will take a few more months before I can afford to install Streamyx in the house. Till then, I'll read a book and get left out coz I didn't get to check my mail and read yesterday's news or something.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Where I live, it's just one straight row of houses facing each other, that's it. My 'taman' is just that: one main road short of a hundred meters and about less than 30 houses. It's a different setting in comparison to the multiple rows of houses lined up like factories, something which you'd see in Subang.
So, the view this morning when I stood in front of my lane, houses to the left, houses to the right, the main road with the sea, in front and dark coudy skies up above. To add a dash to the nostalgia, there was a strong blowing wind. I should upload a picture of it. Maybe tomorrow.
Anyways, my dad asked my mum and I to have a blood and urine test. Don't ask me why. So, this morning, I had a needle up my veins and blood oozing out. It's no biggie, but the sight of it sometimes makes my knees weak. Each time I donate blood, I brace myself for when the steel pierces the skin. After that, it's all ok. Just that initial bit.
And I also discovered a funny comic strip thanks to Albert. Check it out : http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Working to me, is a phase, something like getting married or having kids. There is no turning back once you've crossed the line. I could stop work, if I wanted to, and leech off my family. But that would just be plain ugly. By now, all the working people would probably know that they can't simply take leave and go on a holiday as they like. When I was a student, I had 'long' breaks....like 3 weeks. At least I get over a week holiday. Now, to take a day leave, it's not that easy. So this break here is to spend whatever time I have left with my family. Help my dad around the house. Help mum become driver. Watch sister grow up. Play with the dogs. Feed the fish. Watch tv. Sleep in.
Once I'm back in the work field, I know I do not have all these luxuries. I can't come back to Melaka as and when I like. It would require leave or use up my weekend. It's that phase of life that sooner or later, everyone has to go through. I'm beginning to think that I mihgt not be able to come back so often to visit my parents. This is the cons of working outstation. Maybe some of you are so happy to run away from family:p My parents are not getting younger. And I do worry about their safety at times. What with all the break-ins that are so rampant. And I'm thinking, when I do get married, that will be another responsibility all together. One step at a time.
Back to Melaka. The haze is back....from over the ocean. Sometimes you can't help but 'love' your neighbours, eh? I don't know why, but the smell of haze in the air, does bring back a nostalgic feeling. Call me crazy, but it's one of my 'favorite' smells. The other favorite smell, is the smell of rain in the air. Some might be thinking I'm plain nuts. This morning, I woke up early and managed to get a glimpse of the dark skies above. I live by the beach. So other than sunny and bright, it looks really nice when the sky gets dark. It's always depicted in paintings. And it was hazy as well. When it rained, it was happiness. It felt good to be alive. There are just some things that happen to you, that remind you that it's good to be alive. The smell of the slight haze and rain was enough to bring me back there.
I think as I get older, I tend to look out for those 'little joys' in life. Those 'tiny perks'. Whatever its called.
And now....to fix up my stikfas :) See, I told you I was getting old-er.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The department I'm working in has 4 divisions; 1 being pre-sales (which I'm a part of), 1 being after-sales and 2 more that I forgot....marketing? My job position is known as a Field Tester. Big name, not so big job. What I do is fairly simple, yet tedious.
Everyday, I come in at 9 am, set up the handphones I'm supposed to test, and test it all day till I go back at 6 or 7 pm. Before any Motorola phones are brought into the Malaysian market, it has to undergo major application testing in my department and get a passing approval before it is launched. In Field Testing, there's only 5 of us doing the job. 1 Senior Supervisor, 1 Junior Supervisor and 3 coolies, me being one of them. All of us do the same thing. We get a phone model with a test sheet of about 1000++ test cases and we're given 10 working days to complete all the test. During this time, the main thing is to find out what's wrong with the phone, report it and get it corrected. So, it's mostly software errors. After we complete the tests, a new software with all the corrected editions will be installed into the phone and the previous errors are gone over again to make sure it's really corrected. It's tedious and can get rather boring, especially when you're halfway through test #500+. And at this point, you wish you could smash the phone to bits. Sometimes, the simplest things like using a bluetooth headset and not being able to hear anything does occur. So, it cannot be taken for granted that if I were to send out an sms to multiple recipients, all of them would get it. Every single thing you can imagine using your phone for, software-wise, must be tested and be proven that it will perform. If not, a report has to be lodged. If we miss out any important things here, sooner or later, the customer who bought the phone will be after us with major complaints. In a way, we play an important role of ensuring that everything in the phone works like it should.
How I really wish we could do hardware testing, like dropping the phone from the 15th floor to see if it can survive the impact or maybe soak it in liquid detergent for 2 days and check it if still works afterwards. Or maybe, beat the crap out of the phone with a sledgehammer and see how many beatings it can take before there's nothing left of it. I wish.... Then at least I get to don on safe glasses and maybe glove and boots. But the sad fact is, I'm stuck at the desk the whole time, 'playing' with the phones.
The perks of working here is that you get to really test out the latest phones in the Hellomoto (the buzzword of Motorola) collection. Some phones are so cool you could pee in your pants playing it. Urm ,that didn't sound too right. Anyways, there are some really neat phones to check out from Motorola that will be hitting our stores pretty soon. Since, I'm still an employee of Motorola, for another 20 minutes, I wanna do some promo here a bit. Motorola phones are really sleek and neat. Their design is really thin and comfy in your hands. You don't have the bulk that you get when handling a Nokia of the similar range. The interface is getting better. More user-friendly and accessible. The key thing, it looks good to the eyes. You see it, you feel like having it. When it's in your hands, you know you gotta buy it. Okok. I'm done with the promo. Just be on the lookout for the new Hellomoto phones. The only sucks thing about it, is the dictionary function in the sms section. Until now, I still struggle using it, maybe coz I've been a Nokia user all my life. Other than that, it's fine by me.
If you get a really 'canggih-fied' phone to test, the test case can touch 2000 cases. So crack your heads at it. If it's a really low-end phone, maybe 400. It varies.
Today is my last day. 10 more minutes on the clock before I leave this place for good. It's sad for me. I'm starting to like this place and the people. But it's only a 1-month contract job. I can renew it next month, but another opening came up and after praying, I decided to go for it. Working here no doubt is nice, but this contract position-thingy makes things a little more interesting. Being a contract job for a month, you're not sure if you will be hired the following month. And I wonder how long do I have to work here I get to become a permanent staff. Or will I ever be a permanent staff?
Ok, it's time to start packing. I gotta go.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
After I missed the Shell job, I went for a few more interviews. Some of them, I was sure I would get it, but in the end, no reply on their part. And some jobs, I had the decision to take them up, but it didn't seem convincing. After all that praying, I didn't have peace to settle in any one of them.
Then a friend asked if I wanted to work in Motorola as a contract staff. One month contract. The only motivation for me to take up the offer was the fact that it's more like a part-time job for one month while I continue my job-hunt. And I get paid quite a nice sum for it. I could still attend interviews. It was quite a nice deal. Somehow I felt that this will not be permanent, as it was a monthly renewable contract, but this would at least give me something to do instead of bumming around doing nothing. And I get paid. It's not that my family has got not enough money to support me, but as a guy, there's this inner urge to go out there and make a living for myself, to be independent financially. I was still praying.
So I applied for the job, went for the interview and got it. All this while, I prayed for God to close all the unsuitable doors and open the right ones, and give me peace. So all the other jobs that I thought I could get, was slammed cold in my face and some that I had the option to choose to work with them, just gave me an uncomfortable feeling. Since Motorola is an open door, I felt at peace with the idea.
First week was crazy, as I traveled everyday from Cyberjaya all the way to Tropicana, near Damansara. Distance was one thing, but the jam was the whackiest part. It took me about 20 minutes from Cyberjaya to the Sunway toll, then it was a 1 hour jam from there till my office in Menara Luxor. Without the jam, it would only take about 15-20 minutes. I needed to move out to somewhere nearer.
Thank to Chee Meng, I managed to find a house right behind the Kelana Jaya LRT station, at an affordable price. From there to work, it takes, maximum 20 minutes, even with the traffic jam. So, I have officially moved out of Cyberjaya and can no longer be labeled a Cyberjayan anymore. It took a few nights of mass shifting to get 90% of my things over. During the 2nd week of work, I rushed back to Cyberjaya after dinner, packed up my stuff into the car till there wasn't anymore room space, and drove all the way back to Kelana Jaya. I did this for about 3 nites, reaching back to my new home about 12.30-1 am and start the slow process of unloading and unpacking. By the grace of God, I was fully settled in my new place in a matter of 1 week.
I miss Cyberjaya. I miss my previous housemates:( But it's all part of moving on. Tomorrow will be my last day working in Motorola. After that, I will elaborate further in the coming days. But I haven't had the chance to update coz I have no internet connection in my new home. And in the office, I'm too busy doing my job to write a post. After working for almost a month, I just realized yesterday that I could have written out my post and saved it in a notepad, and upload the post when I get to the office. My bad. Didn't think quick enough.
In the coming days, I will blog about:
1. my job in Motorola
2. what do i do in the office when i'm not doing my job
3. the life after working hours
4. life after university
5. what's happening in church
6. where do i go from here
I really want to thank God for guiding me this far. For not only providing me a temporary job to ease my mind, but also providing me a place to stay that's so convenient. And also providing me with a fixed job...that I will blog about later as mentioned in #6.
God, continue to guide my every footsteps.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Padawan, Obiwan-abe, whatever you would want to call it, I call it, the 'tail'. It's been with me for slightly more than a year and I admit I've grown pretty fond of it. So, to cut it off really took some amount of guts and letting go.
It was last June that I decided to sport this new hair-do, trimming off my long black hair to suit a spikier look, yet, having the tail to just, 'be different'. It was so short back then, nothing more than 5cm. It was difficult to plait. It stood out even more and caught alot of people by surprise. For a moment, I liked the attention, but it became a norm after a while.
A year passed with me having to go for job interviews and final year project presentations with my tail. I didn't really care, cause I was still a student. Working adults could forgive me for that.
Not until this August. I had an interview for Shell IT for a contract position. I really wanted to work for Shell no matter what. If I couldn't get into their graduates programme, I would take up a contract job and somehow find myself as a permamnent staff in a year. That was my plan. I so wanted to make a good impression on the interviewer that I took the bold step to part with my 'tail'. It wasn't easy; Over a years worth of memory in it. But for Shell, I would take this sacrifice. First impressions do make the difference. I took some pictures to remind me of how it was. I had hopes of re-doing this hairstyle again if my future job allows me a slack in attire and looks. I'd resurrect the 'tail'.
The day before the Shell interview, I carefully cut off the tail and had a decent hair cut. Alas, to my dismay, Shell said the job wasn't suitable for me....whatever that means. In life, I've got to learn to face rejections. So...no biggie... It hurt for a bit....I felt that cutting off my tail was in vain...I didn't get the job. Maybe this is just not the path I'm to take. I did pray for God to open the right doors and close the unsuitable ones.
This parting of the tail strongly signifies my transition of a student, to a young working adult. It's time to change my perception towards some things. It's time to develop a new mindset. It's time to grow-up and be a man.
First month of the hair cut last June
Just prior to the 'circumcision'
What's left of it
Monday, August 07, 2006
Why do I kill myself each time to make myself be understood?...heard...
Why don't you take the trouble to know?
Why don't you try?..harder...
Why can't you see that I'm giving all I can?
Why can't you see I'm desperately trying?
Why can't you see I'm hurting myself to get to you?
Why can't you let go and mean it?
Why can't you hold on and believe it?
Why can't you be there? here?
Why do you get jealous? When I don't mean as much to you?
Why do you say you would....and don't.....
Why do you misunderstand all the good intentions?
Why is there a double standard?
Why do you want me to be there?
Why can't you hear?... listen
Why can't you make me proud?
Why can't you be happy for me?
Why do I hold on?
Why am I still here?
Why can't I let go?
Why is my arms so ready to catch you as you fall?
Why do I miss you?
Why am I still hoping?
Why can't I fall into catchful arms.......
Lord, this so sucks...
Friday, July 28, 2006
Now I don't know what's my purpose. Not just purpose, but Purpose. I wake up with 1001 things in mind that I can do. But which will be the right thing for the day? Maybe I'm just too inward looking. But I just can't seem to see clear at the moment.
I don't have the right spirit...Maybe I'm at a point where I'm afraid of committments...of any kind. I just don't want to be tied down by anything. Maybe I'm not ready to settle down. Or in other words, change. Getting a job and starting work requires a change in lifestyle. No more late nights...no more skipping sessions whenever I like...no more sleeping in when I feel like it. In a sense, no more freedom to do as I like. This has got to end soon.
A few weeks back, I felt I wasn't ready for work. More than half my friends are already working. Some have been working for a month already. There seems to be a seamless transition from university to working world. On the other hand, I have friends who do not intend to find jobs till September. And here I am in between. I pressure myself to look for one, when half of me is not ready. My parents aren't pressuring me to work yet, but I don't understand why do I feel the need to secure a job before anything else.
I need a closure for this chapter of my university life. Still haven't found it. Still trying to write an end to it. I don't want to start the next phase of my life with unfinished business here in university. It would just be excess baggage, that would accumulate and bring about a sense of unfulfilment later on. I cannot afford that regret. If I want to move on, I need to end this phase well. Then only carry on.
The next question is, what do I really want? Thinking about it, I don't know actually. This is the biggest issue. If I knew what I wanted, I would have an idea of where to go. But now, it's square one. I need some sort of directions. I used to know what I want. But over the years, I've been exposed to more things and I realised there's more to this life than I know of. I'm confused.
This are just the thoughts that go through my head all the time in the reent days. The things that trouble me....
Lord, I need directions in my life...
Monday, July 24, 2006
Anyways, I did get to go for my roadtrip. After my exams, I was geared for the Philippines. When I couldn't go, it felt as if my eveready-to-go 'engine' had to be left on idle mode. All my other friends had either started working or gone for their holiday. I was looking forward to mission work/ holiday in Baguio and Manila. The next plan after Philippines was supposed to be a holiday in Penang with some classmates. But that too was cancelled, as the organizer had become broke. So here I was stuck in Cyberjaya, bored out of my skull with the urge to shoot somebody if the scenario didn't change. I still had expectations. I was supposed to have been places by now.
My big break came. Cut the long story short, my trip was like this:
Most of the places I went was less than 24 hours. Each stop was to eat and sleep and move on to the next. From Alor Setar to Penang ( a span of 3 days ), I had 3 plates of oysters, 1 fresh oyster, 1 plate of balitong and 1 plate of lala. By the time I reached Taiping, I was down with a terribly funky stomach and fever. In Taiping, I was dragging myself across town just trying to hold everything in. In Ipoh, I promised that my Input rate would be higher than my Output. I wouldn'y let this trip be in vain. The Dim Sum in Ipoh tasted better:)
Some of the interesting things I encountered along this trip:
-my friend would eat shit, literally for RM 50,000. When he becomes a millionaire, he's going to pay people RM 50,000 to eat his shit.
-I saw the brother of Lee Sin Jie ( Actress for The Eye, Koma and Re-Cycle ) eating at a hawker center in Alor Setar.
-I can de-seed a whole Nangka fruit.
-Alor Setar hasn't changed much since I was there 12 years ago.
-30-50 sen nasi lemak still exists.
-Sitting a ferry brings out the little boy in me.
-My ex-housemate actually talks!
-I used to hate oysters, but now I love them.
-A cruel prank to play at Northem Point: go from stall to stall and order food and tell them you're sitting on Table ....(place number here) and then go back.
-Dvds are as cheap as 3 for RM 10 in Penang. Or 7 movies in one dvd for RM 15.
-I discovered the BEST Chi Cheong Fun in Penang. Nothing else comes close to it.
-I also tasted the BEST Wan Tan Mee and Popiah with Laksa sauce. And the Oyster with egg.
-Taiping is still a slow-going town.
-Finally enjoyed Lau Di Fang at nite.
-I saw the Cat-Lady.
-We toasted to our future, and to a lovely couple.
-I succumbed to joining 6 others in a Karaoke Box singing Rock DJ for RM 1. ( the kind of tiny box with a tv and av system )
-Astro is bad...no....evil!! I had Astro for breakfast, brunch, lunch, tea, dinner and supper.
-BAD TOFU!! I can't imagine sane people eating 'chou tofu', or in English, Stinking Tofu. I wasted RM 2 just to torture my taste buds.
-People would actually eat Stinking Tofu.
-The desire to eat is stronger than being sick and staying in bed.
Now it's back to reality once again. No more holidays......Time to face reality.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Praise The Lord!!!
This means, I get to GRADUATE!!! All that last bit of effort really paid off...though it came with a price. After sitting for the same paper the 4th time, it's finally over!
Now, it's out into the working world...and of course, the long-awaited convocation.
This also means, the end of university life, unless of course, I take my Masters.
But for now, I'm exhilarated that I passed! When I think about it, this graduation is so much sweeter, because of all the hardship I had to go through just to make it. The important thing is, I made it! But, I didn't do it on my own. If not for God, I would still be sludging through all this man.
Once again, praise the Lord!
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
They should be touching Malaysian soil about 8.20pm tomorrow. Since before the weekend, I haven't had any contact with them. I managed to overcome the pain and the hurt. And somehow found other things to focus my attention to. I felt good for a while. But just getting into contact with them to plan out their return plan, brought back alot of painful memories. It was a flashback of all the things that could have. I thought I was all right. I thought I was strong again. But in a split instant, I was feeling where I was when the team left. It should have been me. Those thoughts keep coming back.
I don't know if they'll ever understand the feeling of being left behind. 'Why Me?' questions keep popping up. I'm shredded to an emotional mess again. A part of me still wants to meet them up at the airport to welcome them back tomorrow. But a part of me feels that I would break down and cry when I did see them. I really do not know how the whole scenario would be like. I think about it all, and it freaks me out. My meeting them at the airport will be accompanied with intense emotions. I hope I can handle it all. I hope I would be strong enough to put up a cheerful face. I hope I can forget that I wasn't supposed to be part of the team. All hopes. What happens when reality sets in? I wonder how it would feel like as they tell all their stories while I just listen? I don't know. I pray I have enough grace to carry this out.
Lord, help me to let go....of this....
Monday, June 26, 2006
It's been about 2 weeks since this whole ordeal started, with me getting the news of my failure. 2 Weeks later, it feels like it was just yesterday, yet as if it never happened. When I really want to think of it, it feels like just yesterday I was down and feeling out. But when I let my mind wander, it's as if the whole thing never happened. It's so easy to forget it all, sometimes. I'm wanting to learn.
I have to keep reminding myself that all this did happen. I have to constantly look out for the reasons all this had to happen. But when I slack, I forget. Is it such of human nature, that even in hardship, we can forget so easily.
Sometimes pain allows us to be closer to our destiny and dreams. Without it, I would slip into the comfort zone effortlessly. And soon forget what I was fighting for....
Sunday, June 25, 2006
The chairman for today did a small mistake. It's funny. He said let's pray for the MMU Mission Team in the Philippines. And as he read out the names, he mentioned my name as well. It felt weird. Cause, the people around me were looking at me in puzzlement. What was I still doing here if they were still praying for the missions team. Then the chairman saw me amidst the crowd and told the congregation the team was probably back since I was here in the service.
Thinking about this whole thing, there's so much that I'm experiencing here that I wouldn't be able to if I had gone to the Philippines. Some of the more important things, is celebrating Father's Day with my dad. He said it was the best Father's Day gift he's ever had. I felt bad that I couldn't get him anything. I was planning to get him something from the Philippines. But he said me being here with him to celebrate was the best thing I could give him. This Father's Day, not one of us was missing:) We were all 'intact' as a family.
Other than that, me being here in Cyberjaya during this period, I've been able to help me sister settle down. She's doing fine so far. But I manage to hook her up with some fo my friends that would be able to advice her in the course she's going to take. Then I also introduced her to most of my friends that are in the CF. And I also got to meet her friends. I never thought I'd be one brother to look after my sister. But I guess I'm doing my job as an older brother after all.
Then today, we manage to celebrate my sister's 'early' birthday....as a family. Her birthday is not till the 27th, but my parents wanted to celebrate for her because they might not be able to see her during the week. So it was good that I was around. At least I was there and not becoming a 'hole' in the family. And it's the same for my dad's case; I was hoping to buy her something from the Philippines as well. So much for it:)
I guess there's so much to thank God for :) More than I can even think or imagine.
Thank You Lord!
Saturday, June 24, 2006
I told them I would be in the Philippines around this time, so I wouldn't be able to help out just yet. But God had other plans. So, here I was, without an excuse not to go for their meeting. Today was my first Teenacity experience!
It was in a way fun. More relaxed than normal service. It really brought back alot of memories of my teenage days, when I was serving in my Youth Fellowship back home. It's almost the same. Painting the Wall of Faith, reminded me of painting the wall of my youth hall back then. The worship session was raw....as in, there weren't that many songs or fancy bands, but just a simple setup, yet exuberant worship. It was just awesome. Sometimes, worship sessions should just be stripped down to this. The rawness of it, yet with full sincerity. And the sight of so many teenagers. Reminded me that I was once their age. Mien! I feel old! Then the message. It was downright like a pep talk. It was simple and applicable. I felt, this is what I want to do. Invest in young people's lives. Someone believed in me, that's why I'm where I am today. Someone prayed for me, that's why I am where I am today too. I get a feeling that serving in this teens ministry is gonna suck the life out of me. It's gonna be alot of emotional and spiritual investment, as you start clicking with the teens and getting into their lives in a positive way, sticking up for them and spurring them on. It's tiring, but at the end of the day, when you see them realise their potential and start to soar, you know it's worth it.
Today was a whole good day in church. With sister and friends. I'm still trying to see the bigger picture. Why am I here....
Lord, show me. I don't want to miss out the reason.
Friday, June 23, 2006
I really thank those who woke me up. In the event that I might carry on sleeping and not wake up, I informed a few people to wake up, just in case.
It's either do or die . I couldn't afford to worry anymore. I decided, just do it. I memorised all the formulas and then headed to the exam hall.
I made it a point to read through every single question, like how my tutor asked me too. Then I attempted my first question. Praise God! I could complete the whole 1st question. It was different from the tutorials I did, but all the days of training helped me define the objective of the question and answer it.
My tutor and lecturer both told me that I needed about 40 marks out of 100 to pass. I had a good carry up mark. So I needed this 40/100 to add on to that carry mark and pass. They both told me, you need to answer 2 complete questions. Try a 3rd, if possible. They said that this time, it's not about scoring, but passing. So, it was important that I do the sufficient few that I could and do it well. And have some for backup. My lecturer told me that as long as I could write down the proper formulas for the question and substitute it properly, I could get some marks. So the summary, just do 2 questions. 1 more just in case.
It was difficult choosing the 2nd question because all looked equally tough, with some part I didn't know how to do. But the 1st completed question gave me confidence. God was with me in the examination. The 2nd question, I could do more than half, but the last bit, I got stuck. So instead of thinking how to do, I hopped on to my 3rd. The 1st half of the third, I didn't know how to do it. Could be due to the panic, I forgot it's application. But I manage to come up with something for the 2nd part. Then I was checking over and over again.
If all goes well, I should be able to pass. I did the required 2 questions. Then add the few more parts I did to cover the parts I couldn't do, it should suffice. Even if I pass by the skin of my teeth, I don't care, I just want to pass this and move on with my life:)
Thank you Lord for being faithful. Even when I am faithless.
The team would be doing their second concert tonite. I so wish I could be there to join them. There was no outgoing Air Asia flight for the day. The earliest would be the next day. But after much checking, the cheapest ticket would cost RM 1075. *Sighs*. I did ask God for a sign if I should still go after the papers. The sign would be someone would give me sufficient cash to purchase the ticket, or that Air Asia would have a promotion or something that would make it more feasible to make my trip to the Philippines. I concluded that since none of this happened, it wasn't meant to be then. *double sighs*
It's written somewhere in the Bible that man can plot and scheme, but it is the Lord who determines their steps. So there goes all my planning and scheming. The Lord has determined I shoudn't go. Well, maybe there would be other things to look out for while I'm back here. I should keep my eyes open.
For dinner, my tutors friend, who was also my friend treated me to dinner. He said it was for the hard work I had put in for this paper. I felt so bad. I'm putting in hard work because I failed the first time...and still he's treating me. I really enjoyed the talk over the dinner. Made me realise that there is more to life than exams. And after every failure, to pick yourself up and move on. Sometimes, university is the preparation for bigger things to come. It's boot camp. It does not show exactly the world for how it is, but it's just a preparation stage. The most important thing is to accept the situation and move on. Don't stay there in the mud. Pick yourself up and carry on, mud-stained and all. Just move along. God willling, things will become better. But first, admit your situation. This whole process has taught me some valueble lessons in life.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Being alone in the library was all right at first. But then, it got really boring. Kinda makes you wish you were the world. But I knew I had to be on campus so that I could ask my tutor or lecturer anything I didn't understand. Today will be the last day in the library for me. After 5 pm, I knew I would be on my own. All the help I could get would be packing their bags and heading home at 5.
By nightfall, I really felt alone all over again. Intense alone. And I panicked. I started having doubts. My feet got cold. I really had to cry to God to grant me assurance that I'll make it. I pleaded for peace. I still tried my best to Praise Him. I couldn't sleep.
This is the 4th time I'll be sitting for the same paper. The first time was the main paper, and after I failed, I had to sit for a supplementary paper to pass. I failed that too. I had to retake the subject, and again I failed. This would be the 4th time, being the supplementary paper. It's traumatic for me. When I think of it, it's like staring at a brick wall. How am I going to scale this thing? With each exam I sit for, my confidence is shreded to bits. With each exam I sit, the feeling of incompetency sets in deeper. I feel useless. I really wonder why God allowed me through this path. It's not that I'm not workign or studyign hard enough.
Lord, don't fail me now. Ask I go through this valley, do not leave me nor farsake me. Be the light for my path. Be my pillar of strength. Be my hope. Right now, all I need is hope. Help me Lord. I need a breakthrough.
Tonite would be the first concert the team will be holding in the Philippines. I was supposed to lead worship for this concert. *sigh*
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I wonder, am I still supposed to be in that state of feeling down? So that I can somehow cry out to God for a breakthrough? I just don't feel anything.... maybe it's like a 'come what may' situation.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Sometimes it's hard to share the joy....especially when it should have been you....
But I'm trying....
Lord, I surrender all these feeling of failure, regrets, hopelessness......into Your loving hands, believing that You have it all planned out way before. Lord, teach me to trust You. And to have the strength to carry on, day by day. Whatever lesson that I need to learn, help me learn it, and quick.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Maybe I'm supposed to stay behind to keep him company.I don't know. Just maybe. I'm still trying to make sense of everything. I'm trying to see how the puzzle fits. Everything just doesn't seem to have meaning. As the saying goes, " everything happens for a reason". I'm seeking that reason.
Today, manage to get help from one of the tutors. He's been a tremendous help. I'm learning alot. He's doing what he can to ensure I make it pass this exam. On my part, I really have to humbly ask him to teach me all the forgotten fundamentals of this subject. I really appreciate him making time to teach me things I should already know. For this, I'm indebted to him. My reward to him is to make sure I pass this paper.
As I was walking out of the office, I met his other tutor friend, which also happens to be my friend. This is the guy that got me connected to the tutor who is coaching me. He's also been very helpful in giving me advice and encouragement in a time like this. I'm thankful that he hasn't given up hope on me. Therefore, he says that I shouldn't give up hope on myself. On their part, they are doing all they can to make sure I make it. So I have to do my part and finish it well. Before I left, he reminded me not to lose faith.
Somehow, faith did play a part. He reminded me, that there must be a reason why I had extended my apartment contract to the end of June instead of ending it in May. At least now I didn't have to run around looking for a place to stay while having to rpepare for the exam. There also had to be a reason why I got to know him only in the last trimester. The fact that I personally befriended him at all, in this lifetime, is a divine 'coincidence'. Our paths hardly crossed beyond an acquaintance hi-and-bye. But somehow, we're more than just acquaintance now. And he was the one that manage to hook me up with the tutor who's been really helping me. Everything did happen for a reason. Not just mere coincidence.
So as I wait, I'm still wanting to see the bigger picture. What is the main reason for me being here. There's definitely got to be something that I needed to do. I don't know.
On a more encouraging note, my friend who also failed just told me that he is giving up smoking for good. So far, it's Day 14 without cigarettes for him. When I met him, he couldn't stop smoking. Now, he's trying his best to put an end to this detrimental habit. And I applaud him for that. The courage to want to stop smoking. This has to be the best news I've heard today. My prayers are with him:)
Still seeking purpose....
Sunday, June 18, 2006
At the missions trip training, I had to preach, and so did everybody else. My message was titled, The Power Of Praise. At that point, I was still expecting God to work a miracle for me. A miracle of passing my exams and going to the Philippines. I spoke about praising God at all times. I spoke about the life of King David, how his soul praised the Lord, even when things weren't going all good for him. I said, that praising God helped us to put into perspective the troubles that go on in our lives. When we praise God, we are saying that God is bigger than the situation we are in. I told the rest that when we praise God, we are looking beyond the current circumstances, to the end product, where God will make all things beautiful. I even added in my sermon an, 'add testimony here' clause. In the event I did go to Philippines, I was gonna testify God's goodness in seeing me past my exams so I could be there. But I guess God has other plans. As I spoke, I was believing, so sure that in about a weeks time, I would be in Bagiuo, speaking to all the Filipino college kids; challenging them with 3 words, to "Praise The Lord". I closed my sermon with a challenge for God to give each of us a new song of praise to sing to Him, even when at times we didn't feel like it.
And then, my world caved in. And here I was, in the presence of God, struggling to praise Him, so contrary to the confidence I had just a few days ago. But I told myself, live what you preach. And as I did, I cried. Coz it hurt so much. The ironic thing, the first song that went up had Praise The Lord all over it. Felt like God knew my hurt and He was rubbing salt all over it. Or so I thought. But praised Him, I did.
Halfway through, I realised my my heart wasn't so heavy anymore. By the end, I was smiling, my spirit uplifted. Somehow, praising God also lifts up your spirit to rise against the challenges that lay ahead.
Praise The Lord!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Friday, June 16, 2006
Lord, I don't understand. What's Your reason with keeping me here? There's got to be some sort of explanation. I'm ready. But why can't I go? Everything seems to be blocking me from going for this mission trip.
Lord, why the failed paper? Isn't it enough that I've failed more times than I want to remember? Isn't it enough that I've got to fail a paper in my final trimester? Isn't it enough that I can't go to the Philippines?
Saturday, May 06, 2006
All these while, I had the idea that I still have 2 months more after I submit my FYP, before I graduate. The last I checked, it was only 2 weeks. What a letdown. I don't know why I had that idea. I still have so much I want/need to do before I graduate. So many people I would like to meet over a meal. So many things I want to say. Time just fly and fly.
The last 'happening' thing was my FYP presentation. After all the hype of the FYP submission, I had about 2 weeks break before the presentation. In between that time, I went for the MMU Melaka Battle of The Bands. It was ok....out of so many bands....only a few were outstanding. The rest....you wonder how they made it. Who am I to judge, since my own band didn't make it. Soul Grift really made an impression. They no doubt deserved to win 1st place. This makes them champs of they year, after sweeping the 1st place for the Cyberjaya's Audiowarfare as well. PG 165 gave a superb performance, so did AVE. It didn't feel like a BOTB when they were up. More like a gig or concert. The crowd responded to them. It was awesome. Other than that, the highlight, ultimately was Cosmic Funk Express. Being a non-singing 3-piece band, they really brought the house down! They were crazy, musically. So talented! Probably the next big thing in Malaysia. Do check them out!
After that, it was the Bridging the Gap gig at KL Jam Asia. And again, out of all the local bands, only a few stood out, especially Cosmic Funk Express. This time, they were wilder than before. All their musical colors all was released at full steam. The other happening band was Tempered Mental and Lied. The rest....all gave that dreamy sleepy feel. Personally, the worst was the Singaporean band. Maybe I have yet to appreciate their music. It was an experience for me, to witness the local underground gigs.
Anyways, back to my FYP presentation. After preparing the slides for so long, and making it all nice, my moderator said he didn't have time, and asked me to skip the theoretical part of my presentation ( that's about half the presentation ) and move on the the results. I was more than happy to do just that. If I had elaborated on my theory, I would probably have gotten myself in a twist where they would ask me questions, and I wouldn't know how to answer. So, it was by God's grace that I manage to make it thru alive. Prior to the presentation, I was praying for peace. My heart and mind was constantly racing around thinking how am I going to pull thru. My wits were shreded to bits as I waited for the time to come. I just wanted God to set my mind at peace. And I was praying the whole time. When the moment came, it ended before I knew it. A miracle had taken place:) And the best part, my moderator didn't even ask any questions. However, my supervisor ( as always ), asked me a weird question, that I would never come across in my studies, and I couldn't answer. In the end, he answered it for me. Good thing.
Thank You Lord for seeing me thru:)
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Right after the results were out, one of the guys actually called each one of us to find out if we're ok. I didn't expect it. But that sense of concern was there. As I talked to the other guys, I felt a deep feeling of disappointment, but somehow, it's going to be ok. The smses of encouragement I got from the guys spoke a lot to me. It showed me that Amplify just wasn't about performances, but the people behind it.
Dude, Amplify is bigger than this. BOTB is not everything....for some others, it is, but we have recording plans right? We are more than this.
Not down as in sad, but down as in slepy la. Ha ha. Call me when we're jamming next.
when chuah told me.. he asked me am i ok.. i also duno how to answer man... really duno how to answer....
for me amplify is a band with life...
without it i cant get to know u more... chuah n joshua...
i kept on questioning myself y.. what's happening...
but then i think there must be something God wants us to learn....
For me, Amplify is not just a band. It's a team. A Friendship. A fellowship. Actualyl amplify healed my broken heart. Helped me over my hardest time. So cheers. Amplify will move on.
These are some of the words of encouragement of the people I'm proud to be in a band with. Makes it feel like losing out isn't such a biggie anymore. I really do not know where out future will take us, or each of our own paths will lead to. But for now, we're Amplify.
Hopefully, characterising the events would help.
On Final Year Project (19th April ):
My Final Year Project (FYP) is DONE!!! D-O-N-E! Only thing left, the presentation. What a huge relief to finally get it done and over with. After all these weeks. And for the past few nites of no decent sleep. Just as if a huge burden lifted up. Somehow, after talking to my superviser, he gave me the impression that FYP is such a small thing in the university context. It's as if FYP is for kids. I quote him, " FYP only what!? Don't expect us to read everything. Most important is your Abstract, Introduction, and Conclusion. If you're a masters student, then maybe they will read everything." I can't really blame him. Imagine writing a 100-page thesis. Imagine 600+ engineering students writing each a 100-paged thesis. Imagine 40+ lecturers trying to go through every single one of them. If I were them, I'd just read the important parts. For the overall project, I really gave my best. But I got a feeling I messed up by Background Theory. Can't seem to explain properly the concept of the whole thing. This FYP has brought me alot closer to a few people. Some of them I've only seen but never known before. Some, getting to know them better. It's all teamwork and personal effort. It's really a truly enriching experience. Now that the FYP is out of the way, it means I've got slightly less than a month before I sit for my final exams...and hopefully...graduate. For many of the final year students, once they handed up their FYP, it felt as if exams were over. No mood to study for final exams. Well, that's about as much I can say about me getting over the FYP period:p
On UNITE 2006 ( 14th April ):
The highlight for me was being able to take loads of pictures with all the beautiful people dressed up for the night. I didn't really bother what was going on stage. Just going from table to table to see who I know and taking pictures with them. Everybody put in so much effort to look great:) There were some that I couldn't even recognise at first. They look extraordinarily stunning than when I see them in class. On normal days, we usually look plain and ordinary. At UNITE, it was...just an explosion of colors. The girls were looking all hot, and the guys like hunks...not all, but most. Pictures do speak a thousand words. So, see for yourself:p (come find me). Anyways, Amplify had the chance to play for UNITE. We went for the audition and we got chosen. We prepared 8 songs, but when the time came, it was cut down to only 2! Only did Ever The Same by Rob Thomas and one Chinese song that till now I don't know the title. Chee Meng sang it. Our slot was right before the VIP entrance. So the committees kept us waiting and when we did start playing, they rushed us.... *sigh* But not many were listening to us anyways. I felt bad for Esther and Nicky. Joshua invited them to perform with us. So they prepraed 1 nice song. And when it was their turn to come up, we were asked to end. So all that practice...and no one saw. I really anticipated to have the stage to ourselves for a bit, even if no one was paying attention. Never expected us to be people just filling up slots to pass time. *double sigh*. My overall impression of UNITE : sucks! But I shall spare you details. You can read the forum about all the people's complains. Just 24-hours after UNITE, the forum reached 9 pages. So that kinda says how intense were the people's displeasure with UNITE. But I did play my part in organising a 'rombongan' to go there. Read the 2 previous posts.
On Amplify and the auditions for MMU Melaka's Battle of the Bands (16th April):
We DIDN'T make it!! *crushed* Whatever I felt then, I felt it again.
We were ready. We were hoping.We put up a good show. We gave our best....but it wasn't....good....enough.... Out of 40++ bands that participated, only 12 would be selected. 9 from Melaka Campus and 3 from Cyber Campus. Since our first auditioned which we really sucked and failed, we've really been improving and working on our weakness all these while. Took us a while to get back on our feet again. After the auditions, most of us had industrial training and we kinda like..'disbanded' for a bit, since everyone was every else. But since the 3rd semester, we got back and put in alot of effort to get it running again. WE got more serious with our music. We took up challenges in this semester itself. And for a time, we made progress. Our first big thing after the failed auditions, was Carrer Fair Live Concert. Then it was Career Fair Carnival. After that, we were invited to perform for MMUSIC Unplugged III. All these were side issues. Our main goal after AudioWarfare's failed auditions was Melaka's Battle of the Bands auditions. That was our target. But along the way to getting there, some of the mentioned opportunities came our way and we seized it. Our latest progress, just a couple of days before the audition was UNITE, which we managed to get a slot to play for. But sadly, we missed our main goal. It's a personal failure for me. My dream was to participate in a band competition in university at least once before I graduated. I failed. Both times. After the audition, we thought we could make it. It sounded promising. We stood a high chance.Next day when I heard the results...it took a while for the news to sink in. When it did, I wasn't ok. The usual barrage of 'why's streamed through my head. All the questions came to mind. Why this? Why that? Did we lack this or that? It was endless. My confidence and hope kinda dissolved. After all this while, we came so far just to fall short of our goal by a matter of a few placings? I just don't undertand. How is it that some people achieve success with their first try? And some takes ages to pass the first barrier? Did we screw up? What is it we lacked? What was missing that could have given us the edge over the rest? The agony of defeat is so real. Till now, I'm still trying to pick the pieces up. Trying to deal with the issues in my head. It's just too painful at times. I know some try to sympathize. But it's just not that simple. You don't know, do you? I wish I could take 'It's ok' as an answer. But I can't. *frustrated*
Friday, April 14, 2006
My FYP got screwed up. But UNITE HAS to go on.
Please, if you're reading this, and still have not collected your UNITE tickets from me, get your sorry a** off the chair and come get it from me, NOW!
For those driving....there is a sticker that you need to stick on your windscreen as an entrance pass to PICC. So, please get that sticker on your screen immediately and don't procrastinate. You'll be sorry if you have to walk all the way up there. Yes, you and your date...whatever!
For those needing transport.....if you can arrange yourself, that would be good. If not, there are available cars going.
1. Audrey's car - 4 spaces
2.Lincoln's car - 4 spaces
3.Daniel ( aka Boss) - 2 spaces
4.Chee Yong's car - 4 spaces (he said girls only)
5.Kae Ee's car - 3 spaces
6.Yuin-Y's car (driver is jason mock) - 3 spaces
So get in touch with these people if you really need transport. First come first serve basis....but if the driver doesn't like you..it's just too bad. If not, start walking by 4pm, you should reach latest by 8pm.
PLease be there by 7pm. Don't be late. They might close the doors at 8pm. So if you're late....you've been warned!!
Anything, get back to me.
ps : if you do not like the seating, I'm so sorry. Make your own arrangements then.
Table Numbers are:
EeNie - 122
MeeNie - 136
MyNiee - 137
Moh - 106
They're all side by side. SO don't worry about being separated.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
U-Nite 2006 is this FRIDAY (14/4/2006)For fyp people, that means you have 5 days before FYP submission. All the best!
For those of you who ordered U-Nite 2006 tickets through me, here is your table seating. For now, just check here constantly for updates (it helps my blog ratings:P). I'm not really sure what exactly the table numbers are, but you can be assured that I already have your tickets. You may start your ticket collection from me starting Thursday (13/4/2006).
As for now, we shall call it Table EeNie, Meenie, Myniee and Moh.
For those of you who are:
- willing to drive and have a car
- have a car but don't want to drive, but willing to loan it to someone to drive
- don't have a car but can drive
please let me know. Put your response in the comments. There are some people that might need transport. If you have a date...and you're 5-seater has suddenly become a 'meant for 2', I understand. Rock and roll!
Ok. Here goes.
I hope you are alright with the arrangement. I had to crack my head arranging who sits where. And I've tried taking consideration of everyones needs. So don't crucify me. (blame it on the lack of girls coming:P) If there is something wrong please message me personally.
If you have any question, just post it on the comments and I will get back to you. If you have anything to say also, post it on the comments.
Till then, see you when you collect your tickets. And here's to a great U-Nite 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
Saturday, April 08, 2006
If it was you and me
Would things have been better?
Would it have been brighter?
Common in much, Diverse in much
A bright start, but what happened?
The same goal
The same dreams
Was I blind?
Would it have been Picture Perfect?
Would I have been there?
Would you have done the same?
We're worlds apart, waiting for hope
Behind our smiles, lay hidden fear
Of a past trying to get us
Till then, I'll wait for directions
Till I know for sure.
That whoever you are
You'll come back to me.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
1. EASTER EVENT
So far, it's been really falling into place. I believe God came thru for all our needs, eventhough it's just day 2 of 3 of this event. The play went on without any majot hiccups. It was just awesome. Minutes before the actual presentation, it was still fumbly-messy. Things were not coordinated. Glitches here and there. But when the time came for the show to carry on, God made everything perfect. Great job on a play well executed. It was just amazing. I guess Easter Event plays will have brighter futures. The crowd may not be the usual super-packed hall, but it was more than I expected. The band also was just tremendous. I really like the way they blend into the play without disrupting attention. They enhanced the effect of the play. Though restraint had to be exercised, it sounded really good. Alot of people asked me if it was a cd playing. The vocals were also very suitable. They were jut inspiring.
2. MMUSIC UNPLUGGED Sesion III
This is the first time Amplify played in an unplug session. It was a really new experience. To be honest, it was also one of the worst shows put up. Partly our fault, but partly it was the sound system. We're just noobs in this gig affair. So we're not really pros when it comes to fine-tuning the sound on a live set, especially when there's no soundcheck. We couldn't really hear each other and ended up fumling our way through. But it wasn't all that bad. It's just a learning experience for us. Mistakes not to make again. The bands before and after us also had sound problems. However, Love Me Butch really did give a superb performance. Got conned into buying their cd. But it's for a good cause: suppoting local music. Having a really good guitar makes a whole lot difference where sound is concerned.
Amplify was also asked to perform a couple of songs for metropolitan's something's installation night this coming Saturday. I don't know much details, but we had to turn it down. Time is too short on our side. Too many thing to accomplish and too little time. Anyways, I've got a family Japanese Buffet during that time. So something lost, something else gained.
Things that are coming my way:
6/4 - Easter BBQ Nite.
7-13/4 - music practices/fyp
7/4 - leaders meeting
8/4 - pg leaders meeting
14/4 - U-Nite!!
15-16/4 - Audition for Melaka Botb
17/4 - FYP submission
23/4 - Melaka Botb ( if we make it pass the audition )
On other thoughts,
1. Sometime life is so ironic, you just shut up.
2. Sometime I don't like you.
3. Sometimes your best isn't good enough.
4. Sometimes we fall to be able to get up.
5. Sometimes I wish you weren't so hard to understand.
6. Sometimes I wish I was in love.
7. Sometimes I wish I was smart.
8. Sometimes you don't understand what's going on...and you still don't.
9. Sometimes it's good to have boobs....it helps you get away with things (pardon me)
10.Sometimes, your words don't match your actions.
11.Sometimes your ignorance is so deafening.
12.Sometimes I wish I could cry.
13.Sometimes, I wish I was free again.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
It's too quiet for me to scream my lungs out. But the deafening silence is something I can't ignore. My heart is restless. I need a relaxant, or someone give me an anti-depressant. My soul wants to be heard, but is misunderstood.
It's a good time to have a good overdose of booze to dull the pain. But, even alcohol, my body now rejects. Why has it come to this? When I long for an escape and it eludes me.
Why do I take all this shit......
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Thursday came and found us up on stage. All of us too lepak di. I don't know why we didn't feel the same tension and anxiety like we did during the Career Fair Live Concert night. All in all, we played 4 songs, coz we were requested to play Mr Big's song twice. Popular demand, or lousy mike setup....i dunno.
Anyway, here are some pics, courtesy of Audrey. Thank you. (the previous pics were also courtesy of Audrey as well)
As for now, it would be alot more practices to gear ourselves for U-Nite!
And for those who came to support and watch us, thank you SO MUCH!
Saturday, March 11, 2006
It's a surprise since the only other band that auditioned sounded rather intimidating. They had a really talented guitarist that looks and play like he's high on drugs. Really good stuff. And their drummer plays for Dragon Red. And they really played well. I wasn't sure if we would make it. All I felt was relieved that at least, we manage to make it for the audition. Then I let things be.
With the news this morning, I'm rather excited. This is another stepping stone for Amplify and friends to climb up another level. Well, it also means more homework....practices...training...and the works. But no pain, no gain.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
At 3pm, we went for sound check. It was a blistering hot day and the sound people came late. They took their sweet time, as always. By the time we actually got to sound checking, it was almost 5. The gig was held in the car park near the chiller plant. It's a really nice place to hold outdoor concerts. I think it could fit in about 2000 people easily.
At 8.30, it started to rain. Typical of such an extremely hot day to end with heavy rain. But I prayed. I asked God to let it rain, but let it stop at 9pm, just in time for the concert to begin. I couldn't bear the thought of having the rain spoil the whole night's event. Imagine the number of people who would have been so disappointed. While waiting for time to pass, I did my devotion. And at 9pm, the rain stopped! It was a prayer answered. Better later than never.
The concert was suppsoed ot begin by 9pm, but the rain set everything back by more than half an hour. So by the time the guest band and first band came on, it was 10pm already. The whole show was supposed to close by 12am. With 2 hours and 9 bands to go....I foresaw it would be a little messy at the end. But I tried my best not to worry. The rain was good in that it made the night weather more cooling and refreshing. More and more people started coming in as the bands continued to display their songs. It was a Malay majority crowd. I think it was only 5% non-malays in the audience. And out of 10 bands, we were the only Chinese band. Later on, we were labelled as 'band Cina' by the emcees. Whatever makes them happy :P
To be honest, the sound system was a wee bit whacked. Didn't sound too nice, but there was nothing we could do about it. Amplify was excited and we were anticipating the countdown to our turn to get up on stage. Most of the bands were ok. But some plain boring. Some had great musicians, some had lousy vocals. It was....well, okok only-lar. On schedule, Amplify was supposed to be number 9 on the list. By the time band number 3 was on, most of our friends that wanted to support us came. Still a long way to go before our turn came. They endured it all. I was thankful that there was no metal-screaming bands, and grateful that our friends were willling to sit in the whole time as they waited for us to come on.
By the time band number 6 was on, Amplify was already tuning our instruments backstage. We were that excited. We ran through the whole run of our performance one by one. We motivated each other. We got enthusiastic. We prayed, though not all of us. We tried to calm ourselves down. Adrenaline was already pumping so bad, that no matter how much I drank, I felt thirsty.
The time soon came. And we found ourselves walking up the stage to rock the show. Finally, the time had come. Unfortunately, due to time constraint, we were asked to only play one song. A sudden feeling of unfairness crept it. Why us? What about the earlier bands? But, we set up our stuff and got ready to give a great performance. I knew I was going to sing, but more important, I had prayed that my main audience would be God. Since he gave me the courage to sing, I would sing for Him first before anyone else, even if it wasn't a Christian thingy.
There were some glitches. Time wasn't on our side, so were the organisers. They kept asking us to hurry up. We tried our best to set our equipment right and make sure everything was fine before blasting off, but before we could set everything the way we wanted it, the show had to start for us. Time had run out.
Our plan was to start with a warm up song. But I really felt we couln't afford the time for that song and told the rest to get into the main stuff:) So, away we went! Guitars screaming and drums rolling, we took off with such energy. It was a sudden change in atmosphere. The whole band was feeling the music and radiating its energy. Everyone on stage was grooving with the beat, one way or another.
This is our first ever performance as a band! It's a milestone. And I don't get to play the guitars. Instead, I just have to sing. Being a guitar-person, I felt naked without a guitar but what could I do? I mean, like what am I going to do in between songs and solos? Since I don't have an instrument to play. I saw the singers of the earlier bands standing like sticks and stones while the rest of the band members 'rocked' on with their solos. I didn't want to be like that. So, I did what many others have not seen me done before. I danced to the music, or grooved or whatever you want to call it. I was jumping to the beat. It was a part of me I never knew I could do and a part of me no one has seen before. It was something birthed of desperation, of not wanting to be a stick among the 'rock-ers'. It felt odd behaving a bit like a primate, but looking at my bandmates feeling the music and grooving with it spurred me on.
I can say that we really gave our best. All out! I felt the energy as we played. I felt the flow of each musician with the other. We played as one and it really felt good. The first song we played was Someone Else's Arms by Mae. When we ended, we were just about to move on to the next song, which is a song I wrote called Life is for Living when we were told to stop playing by the authorities. I already positioned myself to launch into the next song. I already dedicated the song to Nicholas Chan and his family. I just wanted to sing. We were all ready t go. But we had to stop. It was a heartache. After all that practice and not even a chance to play it. I knew some of my friends even came all the way to support us and also to hear the song I wrote, for the first time. But it was not to be. Part of me wanted to rebel. Part wanted to spur the crowd on and just play on and ignore the authorities. But the other part knew what was the right thing to do.
So, we reluctantly disconnected eveything and got ready to get down. I felt so uncontented. I felt unfairness. I was feeling disappointed to have been turned down from singing our second song due to time running out. It had apparently ran out for us, and for the night as well. When I got off the stage, I was feeling angry and disappointed. After such an energetic performance for the 1st song, it was a terrible blow to have to stop. So close yet so far!
But after awhile, I came to my senses. It's not the organisers fault. They wanted the show to go on. It was the security and the FMD department that was pushing for the show to end abruptly since the time was up. On the part of the organising committee, they were apologizing profusely for having to ask us to stop. And couldn't stay upset. It's not their error. After thinking it through, I felt even worse for the last and final band, who didn't even get to perform a single thing. They were totally turned down because there just wasn't enough time. And I really felt terrible for them. After all their practices and anticipation to put up a great show, they had to go home deprived. I took comfort at the fact that at least we manage to play one song.
Maybe it just wasn't time for my own song to be let out just yet. Maybe another suitable time would come by. Maybe God had other plans for us to perform elsewhere at another time. I really don't know. But I am thankful that I was given the strength and boldness to do what I did. And thankful that Amplify managed to give out a great show, no matter how short it lasted.
Thank you people for coming all the way and enduring everything just to watch us and give support. I really appreciate it. You guys are just awesome! Without you, we would have been making noise for no one. For Amplify, you guys really rocked so hard and I'm proud to be playing alongside all of you. Keep it up. Bright future:)
Here are some pics of the night.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
You can't react to anger....at least that's what I've noticed. Anger feeds itself with revenge and contempt. And being full blown, messes you up. It's just not fair. Maybe that's because life isn't always fair. When you react to anger, it doesn't make you any happier afterwards. It doesn't give you joy when you finally get revenge. It only makes you bitter. And .... more sour.
The irony of dealing with anger is to let it go. Like...what the...? Maybe anger and pride are closely linked. You won't get angry unless your pride gets knocked on. And in order to defend your pride, angers kicks in automatically. 2 options. Let it go... Or cling on and plot for vengeance.
To plot for vengeace is more natural. Without saying, it's in-built in everyone. 'Revenge is sweet' , or so 'they' say. But all I taste is the root of bitterness and unaccomplishment. Planning to 'get back' at the people who wronged you.....takes up more time and energy. Unconsciously, as I hold on, I begin to plot and scheme the most unthinkable things. And when I look back....if my momma knew I was thinking such stuff....she would probably think it wasn't very nice. And might have me apologize to the person. Hold on to you anger too long....you turn into a bitter individual. And taking revenge only feeds that dying process. When you're at the end of your life...you probably wouldn't have accomplished much.
But I believe God came to make things 'crooked' in the right way for man. He said to let it go. Vengeance is His. Let's not focus on God's vengeance just yet, but more of the let go. To let go of the anger is to deny your pride from going overboard with thinking you area always right. Maybe you are right, but shit happens...and bearing in mind that life is not always fair. The process of us denying our pride from getting what it wants changes our character. In order to achieve that, we learn patience and forgiveness along the way. It's a whole package. All this while, we are supposed to let God deal with the injustice. He will avenge in His time. But that's not something we are to be looking out for. As God changes our heart when we deal with anger, He changes our heart to forgive. By the time we get over the whole issue, we wouldn't be so bothered with who was right or wrong. But that we are a different being than before....a better one....hopefully.
God, help me.....
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Something to really thank God for.
In retrospect. 3/3/06 will be a day of remembrance for me.
The day I had a close brush with death.
The day where I could have lost 3 of my friends.
The day when a lorry could have collided with a car.
The day when metal could have gone against metal.
The day when there could have been many regrets.
But God has spared me and my friends.
It's not my time to go, yet.
My life has meaning and purpose.
I better make each day count, each moment worth it.
A second chance for me to wake up, in His arms again.
Well, I can't bear the thought of going to the next life before my parents. It's just not right for the parents to bury their kids. But if anything does happen, whoever is reading this, please tell my mum and dad and my 2 sisters that I love them very much.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
I've managed to emerge from a bout I had with some mild depression. It's been some time since I could look at myself and smile. Things are a little better now. At least, I can shrug some negative thoughts without having to wage mental war. It is true that the mind is like a monster. It is capable of thinking the most intricate of designs and coming up with 'out-of-this-world' inventions. It can crush a spirit, break a man. It can lift the soul, build a man. A battle is already lost if the mind says so. I've seen many talented people with so much to offer, but are crippled just because they cannot see themselves breaking free of their detrimental mindset. I've fallen there once. But if only the mind can see that glimpse of hope, it is capable of breaking free and start soaring again.
Initially, thoughts about getting a job in the future put me down. My results are not all that great...not even close to calling average. I have nothing to show. I feel that my life in university, education wise, is a total joke. I don't remember what I study after the exams. It's all a blur. How am I going to be an engineer? Is it possible for me to find a place in a Multi-national Company? I really do not know. But I'm giving my best shot this final trimester. I'm a man with nothing to lose, so I've been applying for alot of jobs right now. Going for interviews and sending in resumes. It was scary at first, but after a while, I just let them grill me. Bring it on! I might not place myself an engineering job, but I might still land in a MNC somehow. But through it all, I believe that if God has brought me this far, He won't leave me stranded and jobless without a reason. So, my future has been chartered out way before I even thought of it.
On other thoughts, this world has too many negative people. Being rational and practical need not necessarily mean to be negative. It's frustrating talking to people who feel like the world is out to get them and we have to strive to make it in life. Maybe it's true. But there is such things as grace, favour and providence. If we all can have a little bit of hope, it goes a long way. The papers and telivision are already bombarding us with bad news in today's society. We don't need an extra 'messenger of doom' to go around putting down our spirits. What this world needs is more smiles and encouragement. I beg to differ if you do not feel the same.
During the mild depression period, I wondered where were my friends? More precise, who were my friends? People who said they would be there....just disapeared. It was a lonely and painful period. So much of things breaking inside, but no place to turn to. I couldn't say much, lest I be branded 'emo'. Catching up was so hard. Drifting was more painful. My close friends were becoming nominal ones. Maybe everybody had their own issues to face....or caught up with their own agenda. I really don't know. I cared till the point it hurt. I felt being taken for granted. If I was there, then good. I could be of some help. If not, it makes no difference. Suddenly, I felt side-lined. I was only approached when something was required of me. If not, I was left on the shelf. Maybe I was just losing it. Losing out. Maybe I wasn't such a great friend to them anymore. Maybe they've found better ones. Other things/people seem to be more important. My appointments were secondary most of the time. I make appointments, and last minute, they get turned down. My invitations, in their KIV files. If nothing else, then maybe they will let me come into their life. Just because I'm seen almost everyday doesn't mean everything about me is known. This whole episode made me wonder if it's just me...detached...or the people around me are changing. What really hurts, is that these are the people closest to me. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just my acquaintances. It just felt like raw wound when you're not counted in anymore. Maybe I tried too hard.
On a happier note, Amplify is back and running again. Since this trimester, I have only 2 subjects, I've been more involved in the progress of the band. I've written a new song and they've managed to arrange something beautiful out of it. We have been having practices and seem to be getting along pretty well after 3 months of separation. We're taking every opportunity that comes our way. Our initial motive to compete in Audiowardare 2005 ( which failed miserably ) , soon drove us to try for the Melaka Battle of the Bands ( which till now, we're not sure if this competition is going to take place ). But in the meantime, we're trying for 2 auditions. One is for Career Fair's Gig Night and one is for U-Nite. This morning, we went for the Career Fair's Gig Night audition and I think we did really well. We'll know the results soon enough. Tomorrow, is the U-Nite audition. All the best to us.