Monday, September 19, 2005

Knil Amy @ Peace Day

Yesterday, Knil Army had a gig at Berjaya Times Square for a world peace event called Peace Day. I didn't know what this event was all about, other than promoting peace to this fallen world. I didn't know who else were playing or what was gonna happen. I was jsut excited that I got to play at a gig.

When I reached the concourse, I saw the audience...kids??!! not exactly kids, but more of young teenagers...mostly girls and some boys...and their parents who were keeping careful watch from the back.
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After awhile, I realised these kids were not interested in the other bands that were going up to perform (us included), but they were waiting ...the whole day....for this Taiwanese boy-band called 5566. Till they got a glimpse of the boy-band, they were just looking, tired, dead, and lifeless. The band before us were screaming their hearts out...but the audience were unmoved.

When our turn came, we just went up and we knew from the start that this wasn't goign to be about people listening to us. We didn't care. We prayed. If God inspired for these songs written by Jack to come about, we prayeed that it would somehow touch people, eventhough they were wordless songs. We went up, set up our stuff and were ready to rock the show...except we didn't have rockers for fans.
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Jack addressed the audience...and was greeted by hardly a response. It was ok. We played our first song, All-Asian Tragedy, a tribute to those that died during the tsunami end of last year and the victims of Hurricane Kathrina which happened recently. No response. We moved on to Shine, a song with a Chinese feel to it. Still no response. I pity the crowd. Coz they look so bored, while we were having the time of our life on stage! Then we played, A Toast For Our Tomorrow. Jack dedicated this song to all the young people out there. The reason behind this song was to celebrate young people who are so full of potential, who are capable of making history and making changes. When we played our final song, Guidance, that was when I messed up:P Made a couple of blunders, but I bet the crowd coudn't tell a thing. (Jack, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I messed the song up:( ) That was the craziest song in our line. I enjoyed it.
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After all was over, the crowd was waving posters and banners of 5566 at us. But I don't regret playing.
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To me, this was an opportunity to display our music. We weren't discouraged. We just wanted to play music. Good music. Though our songs didn't have words, I still feel moved each time I hear it. Some songs are just better without words. Sometimes, words just get in the way.

I am thankful to our friends who came all the way to support us. Though they were the minority...urm, i think about ( >0.5% ) of the entire crowd, they were cheering us on. I'm so so thankful for you guys being there:) One of them came all the way, only to miss the whole show, because of timing. But I still apprciate that, bro!
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The camera gal was taking the pic:P

To Knil Army : Keep making good music! God bless us all!
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Sunday, September 18, 2005

Ecclesiastes 7

Current spiritual digest, from the Message.

Ecclesiastes 7

1A good reputation is better than a fat bank account. Your death date tells more than your birth date.

2You learn more at a funeral than at a feast--
After all, that's where we'll end up. We might discover
something from it.
3Crying is better than laughing.
It blotches the face but it scours the heart.

4Sages invest themselves in hurt and grieving.
Fools waste their lives in fun and games.

5You'll get more from the rebuke of a sage
Than from the song and dance of fools.

6The giggles of fools are like the crackling of twigs
Under the cooking pot. And like smoke.

7Brutality stupefies even the wise
And destroys the strongest heart.

8Endings are better than beginnings.
Sticking to it is better than standing out.

9Don't be quick to fly off the handle.
Anger boomerangs. You can spot a fool by the lumps on his head.

10Don't always be asking, "Where are the good old days?"
Wise folks don't ask questions like that.

11Wisdom is better when it's paired with money,
Especially if you get both while you're still living.
12Double protection: wisdom and wealth!
Plus this bonus: Wisdom energizes its owner.

13Take a good look at God's work.
Who could simplify and reduce Creation's curves and angles
To a plain straight line?

14On a good day, enjoy yourself;
On a bad day, examine your conscience.
God arranges for both kinds of days
So that we won't take anything for granted.

15I've seen it all in my brief and pointless life--here a good person cut down in the middle of doing good, there a bad person living a long life of sheer evil. 16So don't knock yourself out being good, and don't go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won't get anything out of it. 17But don't press your luck by being bad, either. And don't be reckless. Why die needlessly?
18It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.

19Wisdom puts more strength in one wise person
Than ten strong men give to a city.

20There's not one totally good person on earth,
Not one who is truly pure and sinless.

21Don't eavesdrop on the conversation of others.
What if the gossip's about you and you'd rather not hear it?
22You've done that a few times, haven't you--said things
Behind someone's back you wouldn't say to his face?
23I tested everything in my search for wisdom. I set out to be wise, but it was beyond me, 24far beyond me, and deep--oh so deep! Does anyone ever find it? 25I concentrated with all my might, studying and exploring and seeking wisdom--the meaning of life. I also wanted to identify evil and stupidity, foolishness and craziness.
26One discovery: A woman can be a bitter pill to swallow, full of seductive scheming and grasping. The lucky escape her; the undiscerning get caught. 27At least this is my experience--what I, the Quester, have pieced together as I've tried to make sense of life. 28But the wisdom I've looked for I haven't found. I didn't find one man or woman in a thousand worth my while. 29Yet I did spot one ray of light in this murk: God made men and women true and upright; we're the ones who've made a mess of things.
I guess the author pretty much summarizes what's going on with my life rite now. Still absorbing its truth. Makes me wonder if man several thousands of years ago actually went through what I am going through now. Wow!

Just a prayer away

Dear Lord,
As I lie down to sleep tonight
Do something within my heart
So that when I wake tomorrow to go to church
I know I can face the day
I know I can carry through one more day
Because You live
Because You hold what's taking place in my life in Your own hands

As I wake tomorrow
Give me a renewed understanding of the phrase
"Your mercies are new every morning"
Lift up my spirit and give me joy
Joy that the world can't take away
Give me a fresh knowledge of who You are
So that when I strap on my guitar to worship You
On that stage with everyone else
I know who it is I am giving my worship and praise to
And I can really offer up my heart and life
In worship once again

I know sometimes I fake everything I do
Just to please others
I'm tired of it Lord
I need motivation to live life to the fullest again
It's so hard to see the big picture sometimes

I know this life is not just about me
And there are times I struggle to walk this way
Giving up is so easy
Letting go is so tempting
But deep inside I know there has got to be more to life than just me
There has got to be more than the things that's raging inside
Sometimes I don't understand Lord
Sometimes I wish my heart was transparent for everyone to see
Sometimes I wish I even know what's happening between those burst of emotions
I can't make anything out of it

Teach me sweet surender once again
To take each step slowly knowing for every step I'm making
You are already there
Though others may not understand
You know it already
To not fear tomorrow
For You hold that too

As I sleep tonight
Lord, I want You to know that I still love You


Saturday, September 17, 2005


The sky is cloudy and it's about to rain
My emotions are stirred
Oh no, I'm at it again
I can't help myself
I'm trying to get a grip
But I'm losing it

How is it the thing I used to despise
That I have become
Is it a disease?

Searching for a hope
I know I have
But I need to believe

It's easy to point a finger and be the crowd
But when you are the minority, you wish that you had a helpful hand

I've been labelled
Can I get out of this?

Others can see hope
But I see a black spot

I need a miracle, Lord!
I need to see life the way You created it to be


How can 2 good people collide and it be so bad.

Peace Day

KniL Army will be playing at Berjaya Times Square this coming Sunday (18/9/2005) for an event called Peace Day around 5-8pm. Interested, just come alrite:)

Friday, September 16, 2005

Is My Life In University A Joke?

It's 3.50 in the morning. I should be sleeping, but I'm not. It's been such a stressful week. It's all over now: The FYP presentation, the EMI assignment and presentation and the Antenna assignment. All in a week's span. I'm taking a breather for a bit. Next week is study week. Then Finals. Time just flies. And here I am, doing nothing. Ok, maybe I'm thinking. These are precious moments before I immerse myself into my studies in preparation for the Finals.

My current thought : Is my whole University life a joke?

I'm on the path to be a qualified engineer. But a part of me feels that I won't become an engineer once I start working. I'll probably do something else. I have no direction. But I cannot see myself as a technical type of engineering person.

All my life I wanted to be a doctor like my father, except I had this irrational fear of dead bodies, or more of cutting up dead bodies. I didn't want to go to a private medical school. I didn't want my dad to blow a fortune on my education. He would have spent it on me, but I felt it wasn't right. I was aiming for the public universities. And most public medical faculty requires the cutting of the cadavers. I cringe at the thought. I imagine them to 'wake' from the dead while I cut them. It's stupid, but everyone has their little fearful secret. I could see myself as a doctor, but I could hardly see myself on the path there.

I took my 2nd option. To be an engineer. I had a raft idea of what an engineer was. Now as I'm about to graduate, I realised that engineering is a versatile profession. The scope is so wide and the 'engineer' term is coined so loosely nowadays. As long as you can construct or a specialsit in a certain technical field....you're an engineer...even if you don't have a paper qualification for it.

As my graduation edges nearer, I barely understand my role. Even more, I barely understand the subjects I'm learning. I do study and put in effort, but my returns are small. And it makes me wonder if I'm cut for this line of work. Most of the things I have learnt in the past 4 years are lost within the recesses of my mind. I know I did study some engineering 'stuff', but all was quickly forgotten after I 'vomitted' what I needed to fulfill the answer papers during my exams. Now, i can't remember anything much. It's mainly for exam purposes. What kind of an engineer am I? Since my traumatic experience of Add. Maths. in school, I still panic whenever I see an integration sign followed by one or more trigonometric function. I've never been a pro at maths though I fancy the idea of toying with more than just mumbers, but rather, concepts.

I feel at a lost because I have spent close to 5 years in university and about 80k for my overall education. What have I achieved? Besides a piece of paper as qualification, I feel that I have wasted it. I should at least know what in the world am I studying. But I still get that 'lost' feeling. It makes me feel stupid. Like, what have I been doing all these years here in Uni? Feels like graduating from music school and still not know how to read notes or play a single instrument.

I feel wasted. I could have studied something else or at least invested that 80k on something else more worthwhile. I feel like I've conned myself. More of a personal thing.

All I know God led me here. I never expected to come to MMU. But here I am. I have no idea what's gonna happen next. Hopefully my industrial training will shed some light......

Sunday, September 11, 2005

September 11

Today, 4 years ago, many innocent people died in the crumbling of the World Trade Center.

As I reflect, I think to myself :

I am where I am now beacuse of the many who died years ago to make history happen. If I don't live my life for this moment, I might be causing the generation after me to miss out some of the opportunities I will never have.

Friday, September 09, 2005

fly me by

These are times when time flies by so fast, you actually wonder what hit you.
In that state of loss.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Wake me up when September ends

This is the month of September. Many people are are asking to be woken up when September ends. I'm feeling it myself. September is looming with 1 major presentation for my FYP and 3 assignments due for my other subjects. I feel the stress, I feel the pressure. To make it a harder blow, the final exams will be about 12 days after the last assignment is handed up. Not much time to study to be exact.

To top up the 'colorful' month of September, I've been to 2 funerals within 1 week. Last Wednesday, when the whole nation was celebrating Independance Day, I took a drive down to Melaka with some friends to attend my classmate's grandmother's funeral. I couldn't offer much, but all I could do was let him know we were there for him. As I'm typing this, I just returned from my ex-CG leader's dad's funeral. It was quite shocking news when I heard her dad has left this world because everything happened so fast. I went again, with nothing much to offer except the knowledge that we were there to support her. This week itself I've heard more than 5 stories about people dying...and these people are mainly young people my age. That makes it harder to swallow:(

Life is short, compared to eternity. Sometimes, life seems meaningless. Everyone wants to find significance in this life. Everyone wants to find meaning, a reason to carry on living. Many are looking for answers to help them thru the cold months of September. Most if the time, I'd rather be 'sleeping'.

To me, reason is like the runway... faith is like the aeroplane which picks up speed and momentum as it moves along reason..until a point where it takes flight...u can't take off without runway, but the runway won't take us to London either! ~ The Hedonese ~

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Psalms 139

Current thoughts...taken from The Message


GOD, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
then up ahead and you’re there, too –
Your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful –
I cant take it all in!

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of you sight?If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute –
you’re already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
Night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God – you’re breathtaking!
body and soul, I am marvelously made
I worship in adoration – what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.

You thoughts – how rare, how beautiful!
God, I’ll never comprehend them!
I couldn’t even begin to count them –
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers – out of here! –
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, GOD,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!

Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I’m about,
See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong –
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
At this point in my life, I'm feeling so insecure, troubled and burden. And even as I type my deepest thoughts about my struggles here, I wonder if I am being judged.
Seeking for my self-worth again. I forget.