Tuesday, January 30, 2007

It's about the "today's" that determines our tomorrows

Today....I thought about you....and you stopped my breath, again, in not a good way. Your sms came, but, isn't it a bit too late for that?

Today....I didn't see you. But it's ok.

Today....I talked to you and found out you don't dig Chinese dudes....crap! Maybe you would change your mind someday;) My hopes are to still try out surfing.

Today....I got into plastics. Not just one, but two. And the moment I got them, I swiped them.I hope it will be just for gas. I would have treated you to dinner with them, but maybe not anymore.

Today....I made the company laptop mine. It's about ownership....yeah rite.

Today....I am reminded that it's not just the end-product, but the process, that will always be remembered.

Today....You came into my thoughts, and I knew I felt peace.

Today....would never have happened if I didn't deceide yesterday that tomorrow would be a better day.

Today....I declare that God is still Good.

Monday, January 29, 2007

The Haunting

When the sun sets, and the moon appears....that's when it falls on me like a flood. And sweeps my sanity away.

I grapple with the darkness, just to know that You are there
I listen to the silence, sinking unaware
Go with me, go with me

I wrote this line in my song a few months back for another reason: where do I go after graduation? Those questions kept me restless every night.
But I never knew those lyrics that I wrote would speak to me in a different light, in terms of broken relationships.

It's when the busy-ness of the day slowly wears off and space kicks in, that's when all the emotions hit me like a brick. No matter how hard I try to shut it out, *bam* and I'm down begging for mercy. Begging for grace to last through the night.
I know I will be OK, but when I'm on the floor and helpless, I'm not sure if I will make it through. Sometimes, I'm so afraid that I will snap.... and just lose control of it all.
I do try hard to keep it all inside and out of my mind. I bury it as much as I can....but all it takes is just one memory to unleash the fury of the past.

It haunts me.

I want to let go. I want to move on. But the memories won't let go of me. It eats me from the inside. All the 'what ifs' and 'whys'. I try not to feed it. But you can't always stop hungry dogs. There are times when I am OK....and before I know it, I'm begging again. Vulnerable....

And I see you and you moving on.... And I want to do the same so badly. But I'm still wounded and healing. All those years....where did it go to?

All in all, I still know for sure, that God is good. He has been, He is, and always will be good. And He's got me cornered to that place called 'surrender'. The place where I know I cannot carry on or do it with my own strength. In His time, it will be beautiful...... reason will have its season.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Check mate...

In just a few months, everything feels stripped away. Nothing to hold on to, nothing to hold me back. The slate can't get any cleaner than this!
But why do I find it difficult to let go when I know I have to? There is no other option. If I want to progress on in my life, I need to do this!

At one time I had choices. Now I have only 1 choice : surrender....

The faster, I let go of these, the quicker I get to move on. Once I achieve that, the clearer I get to see things and the fresher my perspective. Then, the easier for me to head in the direction I need to go and achieve my goals.

God, you've got me cornered this time...... I surrender.....

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Getting it over with

It's 6.46 am, or so my clock says. I can't sleep anymore. So, I'm up, tweaking with with funky broadband connection. I feel like letting go a stream of vulgarities at the present condition of my broadband, but it will do no use.

I did get my braodband connection after all. After 4 months of no connection, it's finally here. I'm not sure if I'm happy about it, or cry about it. Sometimes, I am so focused on something that when I actually achieve it, the glitter is gone.

There's no use ranting about this here, unless there are a few tech savvy people who are willing to help me out with my so-called broadband line.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Even the best fall down sometimes

I remember you sent me this song, and it has been special since.
Collide by Howie Day
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow findYou and I collide
I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow findYou and I collide
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Songs that really say what it is

Goodbye, Goodnight by MAE

The nights are getting colder.
The red light's on, it's over.
To give up now doesn't make much sense.
So this is my goodbye.
Surprised, because I thought I could walk you home tonight,
but you're leaving me here on the defense.
Goodbye, I'm not going to waste this time,
this light that burns will keep on fading.
Goodnight, I'm not getting up off of this ride,
I'm holding tight until I can feel alive.
I've written you this letter, got it back return to sender.
But I just can't remember you being quite like that.
Misunderstand, we're holding hands,
we're at the beach, we're throwing sand.
As the lights just go up all around us, I can't believe it's over.
I'm sitting under falling stars.
Do you miss me where you are?
I'm making plans to be with you.
But have they come unglued?
What am I do to without you?
The nights are getting warm again.
They've let you go, I let you in.
Everything you're saying sounds right tonight.
The waves are crashing on and on.
We're running even if we're wrong.
This force is driving me to test the speed of light.
Awakening by MAE
When I close my eyes to this paradox place
I'll fly away, far away from here
I'll get away and dream, dream of you
When it's all said and done
And the night has come
I'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here
Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years
And I'll fly, fly across the sky
And I'll leave, I'll leave it all behind
If you'll be here, here with me tonight
I'll be fine, I'll be fine
I'll be fine
We're So Far Away by MAE
Remembering, everything about my world and when you came.
Wondering if the change you’d bring means nothing else would be the same.
Did you know what you were doing? Did you know?
Did you know how you would move me?
Well, I don’t really think so.
But the night came down and swept us away.
And the stars, they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene today.
How could we know? That song this show.
We'd learn so much about ourselves,
From Toledo to Tokyo, the words were scribed on every page,
And now there’s books up on our shelves.
Did you know how you would move us? Did you know?
When the lights first came upon us and we saw the Everglow.
And the moment's magic swept us away.
And a young man's dream was almost seen so plain.
When was the night that showed us the sign?
Revealed in the sky to leave all behind.
But where to begin? Throwing caution to the wind.
We reached for the stars, Everything was now ours.
Did you know how you would move me? Did you know?
Did you know how you would move me?
Well, I don’t even think so.
But the moment's magic swept us away.
And it’s so close but we’re so far away.
It’s so close but we’re so far away.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

So the new year is here..

In desperation, I have applied for a phone line, and it is here already! Streamyx will be coming in a weeks time...I hope.
I hope I can survive paying for the bills. Just installing the line has cost a bomb.

I'm starting this new year with the realization that everything is stripped away, and in His time, it will be beautiful.

How can I lose something that I didn't even own?
How can I break-up with someone that I didn't even get together with?
Why does it hurt so bad?