Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Un-perfect !

it's early in the morning....just woke up and had my time with GOd. gonna start studying soon, but dropping by here to let in on the updates. so many things have been happening. A close friend just got admitted to the Hospital last night for apendicitis. prior to this, she had a terrible food poisoning. so she's been down, since last tuesday. her fever's been going up and down. and all this is happening during exam week:( so many 'happening' events taking place....while i'm, typing this, i bet she's out cold under the influence of the general anesthesia....and her 'cute' apendix should be in some liquid-filled bottle for show somewhere. the bright side is, it's just a minor operation that thousands have undergone before. so she'll be part of the community walking around with their 'missing' apendicitis. i wonder why don't they sell '2nd-hand appendix' in the black market?? u see livers, kidneys, hearts, and a whole load of other 'spare parts' up for grabs....but u just don't see the appendix! i wonder why is the appendix there in the first place...if it is only meant to be operated on and removed sooner or later:) God, you're funny! Hang in there Mich! very soon u'll be up and kicking butts again.but in the mean time, get some rest will ya! hehe! treasure your 'moments' in the hospital! it's not that often u just get to lie in bed in an air-conditioned room and people come check on you all the time;)

anyways, on the other side of the coin.....my life is something like......urm...imagine this, u find a long strand of hair, about 15 inches long...and u pull at it till it's taut. ok..perfect! that's how i view my life situation at the moment. i'm living on a 'tension'! so many things are happening, and i might just snap anytime....remember that strand of hair....u tug at it too hard, 'pop' it snaps. and for the past few days, i've just been relying on God to 'keep' me from snapping. it's at this point, where i'm letting God do His work. in a way, i'm amazed. coz i seriously feel that it takes a little bit of shaking and stretching, before 'putus'. but somehow, i'm still here, hanging on. and it has to be God. never have i been in a place where i'm so dependant on God to meet my needs.sometimes i wish God would work faster:) but , He's God and I'm not! and this is really an eye opener for me. to be able to live on the edge, about to fall off, but somehow, u know that God won't allow u to fall over.it's His grace that covers me. i still live with my insecurities and failures, but i'm slowly getting there. so much more to experience..........just have to wait and see.

God, if you're reading this, i wanna say thank you!

Monday, March 29, 2004

1st day of the End!

the Finals are here again! sighz! so much for trying to improve my grades and buck up on my studies. i tried! i really did! i worked for it! but dunno....things aren't working out. had my first paper today....i thought i was ready for it....apparently, when i was in the hall, i didn't do too well i think. coz i couldn't answer some questions, but when i walked out fo the hall, i found out how easy it actually was:p sighz. the irony of life. still have ltos of papers to come. so might as well focus on them instead of griping about the past papers:p

hope u guys out there have a better time in the exams.:P

Thursday, March 25, 2004

The Psalm of WeeLiem 1

O lord, why do things happen the way they do
why does trouble keep knocking on my door
just the time when i feel that i have won
i am lost
just when i thought victory is at hand
then i stumble
o lord, it is so hard and tough
it's a struggle to just keep going
and the road isn't gettng any easier
but if You, O lord have called me
to walk this path for the time being
i will walk it
if u have destined me for greater things
i will endure it
Lord, i choose to glorify You
be merciful God
and let me pass thru this valley

kissing rock bottom.....not the Rock's bottom:p

ever felt like your on top of the world, coz u just accomplished something big in your life, and then, the next moment, BAM!!!! you're in the dirt again? kissing rock bottom?

after a 'victorious' blog session last night, i woke up finding myself in the rut again this morning. praying and asking God for strength not to succumb to the sitaution. just when i thought i had made it thru, just when i thought that i had finally won.....BAM BAM BAM! you're down again:p sighz. the ironies of life. sometimes, i wonder whether is it GOd's way of telling me that :LIFE: is a constant battle. we win some and we lose some. but ultimately, i guess He's reminding me, not by My strength, but by His strength:p

funny isn't it;) i woke up with a fresh start......everything was going on well, till i heard the news, nothing big, but somehow, i felt that it was gonna get to me sooner or later. asked God for the courage to carry on and strength to hang in there. and headed off to the library for some studying. was still going on well till evening came. and that's when i gave in.sighz, how weak i am:(

this is how i picture it: imagine me surrendering my life before God, and laying all my burdens at the altar of surrender. for a moment, things look nice and good, but then, when troubles dawn, i'm suddenly filled with the temptation of running to the altar and grabbing back my life,my problems and pain. anyone can relate to that? i'm so tempted to take matters back into my hands when i feel that God isn't doing anything.but i'm still learning that HE does things in HIs time:) lately, this temptation has been waiting on my doorstep, and i've been praying for the courage to let God have His way in my life. it's more like a battle of the mind, soul, spirit and body:P my mind tells me to just do it, but my heart tells me to be patient and wait on God. yeah, something like that.

really wanna thank God for friends who are there to always support me, even when i'm all shitty:P you know who you are:) thanks a bunch yeah! at this point, friends play a big part in me keeping myself together. you library mates really rock!

anyways, beside the lib, i had a jog with some buddies all the way to the playground in front of streetmall. dun ask me why:P was conned into it:P anyways, good to finally sweat it all out. then had a quick dinner in HB3. no money, had to borrow from some buddy. after then, i wanted to go back, but then decided to drop by the Theater Presentation:The Amazing Race in the MPH. The play was directed by Kester:) had some nice laughs. quite a good play, except , i couldn't really hear much of the voices. anyways, i made a bet with a friend that we wouldn't leave till the end of the show( coz prior to this, she said that we all would go and see for only awhile, then head back. YEAH RITE!) so, i won the bet! now she owes me something;) muahaha!

after that i went to visit a friend who was darn sick.felt really sad, coz i wish i could ease her discomfort, but there was nothing much i could do. and after a few hours of being here....i guess my presense kinda irked her:P sighz. was trying so hard to make sure she was comfy, but maybe i was getting in the way of her sleep.sighz:( hope ur fever subsides soon and your tummy stops stretching:) cheer up yeah! you'll get back up again;)

oks....gotta run....GOd, when will i find rest:-? gimme strength.......gimme courage.....gimme gimme!

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

facing me 'fear' :)

just back from the Last CF meeting for year '03/04 :( kinda of nostalgic to see my graduating seniors...pretty soon, they won't be around here in MMU.sighz.time sure flies. note to self : time is catching up, so better get to know as many ppl as possible and build great friendships.

anyways, got to get back to studying....and try to 'enjoy my studies', in the wise words of Jane'nette:P
the day just zoomed past, and here i am again, staring out at the blackness...the night crawls into my room.sighz.this is the most peaceful moment of my day, but somehow, the peace disappears too fast:P only to be intruded by the rays of the sun piercing through my curtains:) it's a good thing though;) coz if i'm still awake then, i'll have 'peace session' part 2. jsut the silence together with the pick glowing sky, then the chirping of the birds...dawn has come.

oks.me straying away already:p what i wanted to say here is actually this. during the past weekend, life was a bit more peaceful, coz i was in my 'hideout'- melaka. was really refreshed and rejuvenated while i was back. and i came back to cyber ready to take on the world:) however, the only thing missing was my 'fear'. u know the feeling when ur all ready for battle, all geared up and spirits all boosted up....but then there's no enemy? u feel on top of the world....but then when u see the enemy....u suddenly get the chills and then u suddenly 'kecut'. anyone can relate to that? well, that's how i felt. was so prepared, but then my 'fear' was absent. so i was on top of the world for awhile. was going through my mind how i would react if i were to confront my 'fear'. so i played the strategy over and over again in my mind, gearing myself mentally on how to confront my 'fear':) in the meantime, i tried not to think about my 'fear'....just filled my free time with my preparation for the finals. and today, out of the blue as i was leaving the library, i suddenly bumped in to my 'fear'! was shocked at first, coz i didn't know how to react. the 'fear' looked pretty cute though;) with all the half-tied hair and formal coat:) ..looked pretty professional:) what do u do if your 'fear' looking cute and nice comes your way? nopes....i didn't run. i jsut stood there and had a good look:) now that's what i called staring 'fear' in the eye;) said hi! and had some small chat. was pretty surprised that somehow, the fear didn't get to me. somehow i was pretty kewl, and relaxed. It must be God! hehe! been asking God to be able to face my 'fear' without fear in my heart. getting me so far? and after that, 'fear' just walked away after some sweet complimentaries:) somehow, i could just walk on without turning back, without digging out past events, without feeling weird, without blowing the opportunity. as i walked to the car, i thanked God for strength to face my 'fear' and walk away smiling, without a heaviness of heart:) i did it! He did it! Still reminiscing me 'fear' 's sweet smile and pleasant countenance:D a refreshing sight;) how often do ur 'fear's put a smile to you face?

i better not get too carried away:) jsut that i feel that i've managed to accomplish something. all the best to me as i start trying to study now:P

God i need Your strength once again:) gimme gimme:D

Monday, March 22, 2004

in cyber

i'm back,back in Cyberjaya, the so called Intelligent City(my foot!) okla.give Cyberjaya some credit:p
got back here, tried to study, but then slept off.sighz.been sleeping too much. anyways, celebrated Hamster's birthday:D really wanted to trash her, but then again, she was wearing all white, looking cute and pretty, didn't have the heart to mess her up:P y do girls always get away with the trashing. life ain't fair:P

here's a lil' about Hamster:) she's my fashion consultant and my chef:P she cooks great food, seriously awesome stuff. her future husband is a darn lucky man:D anyways, whenever there is a question in my mind about fashion, i turn to her. so far, i've gone to her for all the big events that i wanted to go. she's got good taste:) so far, her taste hasn't failed me;) gonna try to learn some cooking skills from her before she graduates:( y does time fly so fast:-? Have a great Birthday, Hamster! Thanks for everything. I hope ur reading this:p

ok, about me then. i've been doing ok i guess. missed Acts today. i guess i missed a great message as well. however, i discovered some sermon tapes i bought from the Together Conference back in 2001 by Revival Generation. The speaker was Mike Pilavachi, pastor of Soul Survivor UK. re-listening to the tapes, i'm still moved by his messages. there were a few topics, 4 of them, and each one still has that impact on me. He's really funny to listen to. imagine a passionate,funny man:-? i'm moved in my heart, about certain things he said about missions, worship and evangelism. might share about it when the time is right.

still holding on to God. lately, nothing is certain for me, except that God is to be trusted. 2 things that i recall form the Purpose Driven Life is this: 1)i must choose to be honest with God. 2)i must obey Him in faith. it's so hard sometimes:( i may look all strong and good on the outside, but occasionally, the memories just hurls back into my thoughts and it makes me feel helpless. helpless, that i've lost it. helpless that i might now know what to do now. i feel like i'm living on the edge, anytime soon, i might just explode and give in to despair. but somehow, i feel God's grace surounding my sitaution.the tension is clear.but it's God's grace that is sustaining the tension form snapping:) i can go on because of Him. rite now, i've already laid my life on the altar, trusting God to use my life for His glory. but somehow, i feel like jsut running off the altar and taking my life back into my own hands:) don't we all feel liek doing that sometimes:P everytime i wanna do that, i'm reminded that God wants His best for me, so i hang in there:)

i thank God for really fabulous people that surround me everyday. from my housemtates to coursemates, to cf friends, to online friends, to whoever that deem me worthy to be called their friend. you guys have been great:) thanks so much yeah.really thank God for u:)

more stories are yet to come:) i believe so. got to study for my finals. pray for my exams:)

nitez to all.

here's a point to ponder:

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."


just for laughs;)

Saturday, March 20, 2004

in Melaka....

heya all! hailing from melaka! *phew*
taking a break from the cyberscapes, back here to lil' ol' melaka for some 'urgently' needed breathers:)

OK! basically....came back home to service my car, and catch up with my family....and of course....how could i forget *winkz*..to study. but alas, manage to do all except study:( [advice to MMU ppl: if you plan to go back to your hometown, forget bringing back your notes and books to study..u're most likelier than not, end up sleeping:p]

anyways, i've been sleeping so much....really alot. my sleep back here is equivalent to 2 days worth of Cyber sleep:P manage to 'hang out' with my family though;) took them to supper last night about 11pm to this cool joint called 'Amote Corner'. nice hang out spot.lots of kewl stuff to chew and drink.*hehe* letting my parents in on my 'night life'.

somehow, coming back home is always a form of 'escapsim' for me. (josh,i hope ur reading this:P). somehow, i'll forget my troubles for awhile..not running away, but more of putting them aside while i take a break. been going through some really trying times:( pretty bleak moments of my life. i guess it always happens when u try to tell yourself to "let go" but ur heart still keeps on tugging at your mind to hold on to it. still in that phase. however, i'm slowly getting better and stronger:) Hard times like this either makes you Bitter or Better. i've decided to be a Better person:)

at this moment, really hanging on to God. seriously trusting Him for His best and His ways and His time:) been relying too much on my own strength and my own wisdom.been letting my emotions drive me aimlessly around. feeling so spent.at the foot of the cross once again. here, i find my peace, my strength, my joy, my love, my passion, my JESUS-everything i'll ever need:) anyone Amen to that?

here's one thing of the many things i've learnt. God doen't make bad things happen to us, but He allows us to face hardships and trials sometimes. more of a test to our faith and our trust in Him. He doesn't let us face something that is too big for us to handle. whatever problems we face rite now, it's never too big that God cannot solve.but more important, it's also never too hard that we cannot handle...as long as we rely on God for His divine strength. The key thing here is, He doesn't allow us to face anything bigger than we can handle (that is #1) . fact #2(mien! becoming more liek a sermon:p), He has our best interest in mind, and He wants the best for us. with this 2 things in mind, we know that whatever happens to us, to those who love God and trust in Him, all of it has it's reasons for taking place. all we need to do, is trust Him to carry us through. when it's over, then only do we see the significance of everything that happened. however, we can choose to be stubborn and 'magnify' our problems so big, till we make it as though our problems are bigger than God. we can choose to carry on with our own strength and die trying;) it's up to us *sweet eh;)* God will only intervene only if we allow Him to. as long as we choose to have it our own way, He can't help us.

so here i am, stepping up to the stage of life. see what happens now:-? hope that what i've mentioned here makes sense:)

read a friends blog and it got me thinking about y do i have a blog in the first place. i'm trying to be as transparent as i can about my situations, and share enough to keep u guys in the light about what's going on, but not too bright till it blinds:p will try to use this spot as a 'Be Real' zone. coz i find that a blog can be a place of encouragement:) through sharing of my life's testimonies. i hope it will encourage whoever's reading this. will try my best not to put up too many negative stuff:p

got to go hit the books now.....study*
hehe...might as well give my best shot at it;)
goodnite you ppl.

be real! respect!

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

a broken person

i was made for more than what i'm living for right now!
this thought suddenly struck me!

what am i doing with my life? God gave me this moment to live! and what am i doing with it? how am i being a good steward?
need to get my life together.to move on with the puzzle eventhough i haven't foudn some of the missing pieces.

been a tough few weeks....mayeb months....yeah months would be correct.
can't believe my life is so screwed. GOd i need a breakthrough. feels so crappy.

a broken person

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

eat and drink and be glad

So i commend the enjoyment of life,bcoz nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad.then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given to Him under the sun. :D happy ain't it? cheer up!

came across this verse while doing my QT and i felt it was an encouraging word.so, wanna share it with u all.hope u'll be encouraged:)

GOd bless!

Monday, March 15, 2004

overslept! mid-morning blog!

nuts!! it's about 5 am already:P can u believe it!i jsut woke up....after sleeping for 9 hours. i slept at 7pm yesterday,just to take a short evening nap and then wake up in time for dinner and start workign on my assingments. but when i woke up, all i could think of was what a good sleep this has been.then suddenly, i'm thinking, how the heck did i get on my bed.when did i sleep...when did i dozed off.finally it's all coming back to me now:O .i guess sleep is really good when u wanna run away from problems:) since i came to MMU, i never had those major kind of problems. my life was so simple and happy then. whatever came my way, i could seize it and get on. however, in mmu, i've had my share of problems, and it's starting to get the best of me.......so much that everytime something bad happens, i sleep. so if u catch me sleeping, u know that i jsut had a terrible time;)

I guess i was tired as well. had E-Nite on saturday. was the Emcee together with joeboy and charis. was tension at first.dunno y.somehow i was more relaxed emcee-ing for CyberChristmas. anyways, was pretty nervous at first,coz it was darn formal. but after that manage to chill abit. didn't say much. joeboy and charis did most of the talking. manage to take loads of photos though:) lots of ppl we see everyday suddenly look superbly 'beautiful' what with all the make up and hairdo and dresses and suits! really hope to see all the pics soon.

with that over......gonna start preparing for the finals! God help me!!

Thursday, March 11, 2004


i'm so screwed.....i hope the people who did this to me are happy. i can't take this agony any longer. i do my best. i give the best as well just to make u smile, jsut to make u happy.but what do i get in return. i dunno what else to do.
all i ask is a little favour, but why do u have to lie to me.....y can't u even tell me,face me.y can't u help me out of this emotional pit.
i hate , pity the person, thanks to you.screwed up.messed up..........loser.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Give,and you shall receive

arlo! just got back from Church....somehow decided to stay on for 2nd service today...dunno why, but i just did!
learnt a valuable lesson today:) pastor ryan spoke for both the services. don't really know the title for the first service, but i gave my tithes and some offering during the first service. and for the second service, pastor ryan preacehd about the biblical aspects of wealth....about the power of giving and receiving...of sowing and reaping. and he shared a few of his own personal testimony, which i felt was very encouraging. about how the Lord challenged him to give, and he gave,and how God blessed.tehy were powerful testimonies for me. was really touched.towards the end of the service, he asked for the tithes and offerings to be colected.........i didn't see that coming:p felt something was missing during the 2nd service,and i realised it was this session of giving was saved for last;) i was thinking to myself....since i gave my tithes and offering for the 1st service, i thoguht i didnt have to give again.....just let the bag pass on.....but after listening to the message, i just couldn't sit there and do nothing. i just felt God challenging me to give even more. it was time to put what i've heard into action.

pastor ryan challenged us that offering time is Breakthrough time. what he means, that when it's time to give, we give our best and expect God to move....for God to do something in our life....to 'set ourselves up' for a breakthrough....for a miracle. even though we've given for 1st service, he challenged us to take every offering call as a time we just give as God moves in our life.take it as an act of faith. coz teh bible tells us to 'give...and we shall receive'. when we give....we should espect God to move!

and so i sat there and looked deep into my wallet.....no small notes...all big ones....and i thought....i can't escape this one. but the Spirit was prompting me to give.to give out of faith....so i said...'here Lord, u have it' and in my heart i prayed for God to work a miracle! to me , what i gave was a big amount. still, i did it in faith, that God never leaves us in want. that was when i realised that it was easy to give RM10 when we have RM200 in our wallet, or RM5 when we have RM 50. it challenged me to not offer 'casual' offering..or 'convenient' offering.

so after church, i had to go back alone.as i was walking down the church steps, i was thinking i had no small change to pay for the tol.all i had was RM50 notes, which i didn't want to break coz i was pretty tight on cash at the moment, and you guys all know how it is that money 'disappears' even more quickly when it's in small change.all my car passengers(who usually setle my tol money for me) went back with seomone else. i didn't want to borrow from anyone, so i was thinking of going to the convenience store to buy something i didn't need. but i asked God to work in this simple situation. and as i entered the car, i spotted a friend who jsut came back from Ipoh. she came back 'just in time' for the service to end. and she asked whether she could get a lift back from me....and she would settle the tol.....
my miracle!

God is more real than i thought. first miracle, since i gave. it's a small thing, but i'm trusting God for bigger things:D
there is power in giving;)

God bless

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

called to be faithful......

it' 3.23 am........what am i doing here:P
tried studying the whole day....seems a wee bit futile sometimes:( and i dozed off again while studying...my housemate had to wake me up to get from my desk to my bed:P it was around 11 something when i slept off.....somehow, i woke up after sleeping comfortably on my bed around 2.30am. my first reaction was," oh crap! i overslept again! shucks! now got not enought time to study!" but i was thankful it was 2.30am only and not 6 am like the previous day.

spent the pass one hour just sobering up.....then i took some time off just to sing praises to God.somehow, there was a prompting to jsut praise God....ended singing half-way songs only,coz i couldnt remember the lyrics. feeling a lot of things rite now.before i started singing, i read a couple of blogs....and i saw the disappointments of some of my friends....real life disappointments, that i am facing myself....a lot of questioning God and all the 'why God?' can be quite disheartening at moments like this. but, i was reminded that we should praise him not only in the good times, but in the bad as well.still trying to hold up....trying to make it through.
God i need You.the world isn't safe for me.life itself is so clueless at times.i don't understand.i don't get it why sometimes we serve you, but it's like taking forever to get thru this phase of waiting. i need a breakthrough.i know You're hand is in this situation.but i just need strength and a lil' more faith to carry and press on.come and intervene!i'm helpless

just surrendering my thoughts...if there is a life to live, live it. one reason y i'm still hanging on is because i read somewhere in my God's Little Devotional Book for Leaders that "The Lord never called any of us to be successful - only to be faithful.Our success lies in His hands and our reward comes from His supply"

i guess it is a reminder to me at a time like this.....that...sometimes,bad things happen to good people...but it still it happens for a reason yet to be known to us.a reason still exists! just hang in there...be faithful...let God do the explanation:)

Day 1 of the Purpose Driven Life: Life is not about me, it's about God!