I need rest

I'm sluggish!
Events happen, people come in and out, but I'm still not moving. Delirious, NOC 4....zipped...and they're all over.
I'm still here.

What I have been doing alot, is sleeping. But not finding rest.

My discovery this week is that sleep is not always equal to rest. I always thought that sleeping was resting. But this past week, I've been sleeping as much as I can...but I wake up still tired, still disturbed, still stressed, still disillusioned.

I need some time to really unwind, and release all the 'toxic' in my mind. I have much to do. It keep playing like a tape inside my head. Sometimes I know what I need to do, but I can't rest till it's done. So, it gets stuck in my head. And when I have time, I sleep, thinking it will make things better. In my dream, I'm running about doing those things. I'm thinking. When I wake, I feel exhausted, still at un-rest. I quickly get ready and rush head-on into another day of work. Trying to complete what I tried in vain to do in my dreams. This vicious cycle continues....

I need rest.

I need to examine my life.

I need to refocus.

I wish I could love You with all my heart again.

I can't pick myself up to even see You.


Well, this is the revised version of my song.

Life is

Sitting in my room
Looking at the map of the failures I’ve been thru
Seems like a theme park
Looking for answers I can’t seem to find
Show me the light
Give me a sign


Life is for living
Life is for giving it all away
When the time comes around
Are you forgiving?
I’m still believing in you today

I’m on my way to finding out that

life’s not meant to

be this way
I see your face smiling down on me
It’s gonna be just my day
Holding on to You
And everything that’s perfectly true
It’s time for me to fall again
Into catch-ful arms I know I will find
What I’m looking for


I hate it that I'm neither here, neither there
But You, you're everywhere
Feels like a dream I can’t wake out from
when everything seems meaningless.
there You are

Life is for living

Life is for giving it all away

When the time comes around

Are you forgiving?

I’m still believing in you today

I’m on my way to finding out that life’s not meant to be this way
Sometimes I think the future’s so bright
I gotta wear my shades
Holding on to You
And everything that’s perfectly true
It’s time for me to fall again
Into catch-ful arms I know I will find
What I’m looking for

My prayer

David Crowder - Deliver Me

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

The Discovery of me

I think I'm getting OLD-er.

Christmas, New Year and even Chinese New Year came and went just as quick as a snap of a finger, and I still don't feel a thing. As if it went right over my head. Maybe I'm feeling old too fast. It's sad how the little boy that's always meant to stay young at heart withers with age.

Anyways, I always learn new things each time I come home. This time round, I found out that I do have Malay blood in me....though diluted over the generations. All the while, I was naive to think that as a Baba, ( the girls, we call them Nyonya ) I was Chinese with Malay customs and traditions intertwined with the Chinese one. However, I did muster the courage to ask my grandaunt over the CNY dinner about my background.

Apparently, when Puteri Hang Li Por from China landed on Malaysian soil, ( it was called Tanah Melayu, then ) she brought with her a whole entourage consisting of maid-servants and soldiers and a few other not-so-important-in-my-story people. These soldiers took for themselves the local women ( who were the Malays ) as their wives. From this inter-marriage of the foreign Chinese and local Malays, we get the Straitsborn ( orang Peranakan ) tribe....if you can call it a tribe. This group of people flourished mainly in 3 states : Malacca, Penang and Singapore. Their customs were a rich mixture of Chinese and Malay influence. Till today, you can still see the 2 elements pervasive in their local tradition and practice. Back then, however, it wasn't necessary for the conversion of religion as well. So I have been spared of circumcision...which could have been a good thing for me:P

I also found out that my grand-uncle actually traced back his roots to the first generation of Mainland China Chinese who landed on Malaysian soil. He is the 7th generation. Therefore, with simple calculation, I am the 9th generation Chinese from Mainland China. That's a pretty long time.

All in all, I am a mix-ed kid. Not your typical Chin-dian or Chinese mix Orang Putih, but still mixed somehow.