As I sit here typing this, I feel heavy and burdened inside. I feel restless. Like, what next? And I'm anticipating something to happen...but at the same time I fear. Being a fresh graduate, a world of opportunities, so they say. I think there is so many options ahead for me. But which one? I do not doubt that I'll get a job. I know I can. But why do I feel afraid? Why the anxiety? I think I really need something to do to get my mind off this. I wake up every morning feeling free...and yet, empty. Questions like what am I going to do today comes up. During a semester break, it's totally fine because I know that when the holidays are over, I got classes again. There is purpose.
Now I don't know what's my purpose. Not just purpose, but Purpose. I wake up with 1001 things in mind that I can do. But which will be the right thing for the day? Maybe I'm just too inward looking. But I just can't seem to see clear at the moment.
I don't have the right spirit...Maybe I'm at a point where I'm afraid of committments...of any kind. I just don't want to be tied down by anything. Maybe I'm not ready to settle down. Or in other words, change. Getting a job and starting work requires a change in lifestyle. No more late nights...no more skipping sessions whenever I like...no more sleeping in when I feel like it. In a sense, no more freedom to do as I like. This has got to end soon.
A few weeks back, I felt I wasn't ready for work. More than half my friends are already working. Some have been working for a month already. There seems to be a seamless transition from university to working world. On the other hand, I have friends who do not intend to find jobs till September. And here I am in between. I pressure myself to look for one, when half of me is not ready. My parents aren't pressuring me to work yet, but I don't understand why do I feel the need to secure a job before anything else.
I need a closure for this chapter of my university life. Still haven't found it. Still trying to write an end to it. I don't want to start the next phase of my life with unfinished business here in university. It would just be excess baggage, that would accumulate and bring about a sense of unfulfilment later on. I cannot afford that regret. If I want to move on, I need to end this phase well. Then only carry on.
The next question is, what do I really want? Thinking about it, I don't know actually. This is the biggest issue. If I knew what I wanted, I would have an idea of where to go. But now, it's square one. I need some sort of directions. I used to know what I want. But over the years, I've been exposed to more things and I realised there's more to this life than I know of. I'm confused.
This are just the thoughts that go through my head all the time in the reent days. The things that trouble me....
Lord, I need directions in my life...
:)
Friday, July 28, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
The Road Trip
Procrastination is my hobby nowdays. I've been wanting to make an entry for sometime now, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I think age is also catching up. I seem to be tired and sleepy most of the time.
Anyways, I did get to go for my roadtrip. After my exams, I was geared for the Philippines. When I couldn't go, it felt as if my eveready-to-go 'engine' had to be left on idle mode. All my other friends had either started working or gone for their holiday. I was looking forward to mission work/ holiday in Baguio and Manila. The next plan after Philippines was supposed to be a holiday in Penang with some classmates. But that too was cancelled, as the organizer had become broke. So here I was stuck in Cyberjaya, bored out of my skull with the urge to shoot somebody if the scenario didn't change. I still had expectations. I was supposed to have been places by now.
My big break came. Cut the long story short, my trip was like this:
Alor Setar->Penang->Taiping->Ipoh->Cyberjaya->Melaka
Most of the places I went was less than 24 hours. Each stop was to eat and sleep and move on to the next. From Alor Setar to Penang ( a span of 3 days ), I had 3 plates of oysters, 1 fresh oyster, 1 plate of balitong and 1 plate of lala. By the time I reached Taiping, I was down with a terribly funky stomach and fever. In Taiping, I was dragging myself across town just trying to hold everything in. In Ipoh, I promised that my Input rate would be higher than my Output. I wouldn'y let this trip be in vain. The Dim Sum in Ipoh tasted better:)
Some of the interesting things I encountered along this trip:
-my friend would eat shit, literally for RM 50,000. When he becomes a millionaire, he's going to pay people RM 50,000 to eat his shit.
-I saw the brother of Lee Sin Jie ( Actress for The Eye, Koma and Re-Cycle ) eating at a hawker center in Alor Setar.
-I can de-seed a whole Nangka fruit.
-Alor Setar hasn't changed much since I was there 12 years ago.
-30-50 sen nasi lemak still exists.
-Sitting a ferry brings out the little boy in me.
-My ex-housemate actually talks!
-I used to hate oysters, but now I love them.
-A cruel prank to play at Northem Point: go from stall to stall and order food and tell them you're sitting on Table ....(place number here) and then go back.
-Dvds are as cheap as 3 for RM 10 in Penang. Or 7 movies in one dvd for RM 15.
-I discovered the BEST Chi Cheong Fun in Penang. Nothing else comes close to it.
-I also tasted the BEST Wan Tan Mee and Popiah with Laksa sauce. And the Oyster with egg.
-Taiping is still a slow-going town.
-Finally enjoyed Lau Di Fang at nite.
-I saw the Cat-Lady.
-We toasted to our future, and to a lovely couple.
-I succumbed to joining 6 others in a Karaoke Box singing Rock DJ for RM 1. ( the kind of tiny box with a tv and av system )
-Astro is bad...no....evil!! I had Astro for breakfast, brunch, lunch, tea, dinner and supper.
-BAD TOFU!! I can't imagine sane people eating 'chou tofu', or in English, Stinking Tofu. I wasted RM 2 just to torture my taste buds.
-People would actually eat Stinking Tofu.
-The desire to eat is stronger than being sick and staying in bed.
Now it's back to reality once again. No more holidays......Time to face reality.
Anyways, I did get to go for my roadtrip. After my exams, I was geared for the Philippines. When I couldn't go, it felt as if my eveready-to-go 'engine' had to be left on idle mode. All my other friends had either started working or gone for their holiday. I was looking forward to mission work/ holiday in Baguio and Manila. The next plan after Philippines was supposed to be a holiday in Penang with some classmates. But that too was cancelled, as the organizer had become broke. So here I was stuck in Cyberjaya, bored out of my skull with the urge to shoot somebody if the scenario didn't change. I still had expectations. I was supposed to have been places by now.
My big break came. Cut the long story short, my trip was like this:
Alor Setar->Penang->Taiping->Ipoh->Cyberjaya->Melaka
Most of the places I went was less than 24 hours. Each stop was to eat and sleep and move on to the next. From Alor Setar to Penang ( a span of 3 days ), I had 3 plates of oysters, 1 fresh oyster, 1 plate of balitong and 1 plate of lala. By the time I reached Taiping, I was down with a terribly funky stomach and fever. In Taiping, I was dragging myself across town just trying to hold everything in. In Ipoh, I promised that my Input rate would be higher than my Output. I wouldn'y let this trip be in vain. The Dim Sum in Ipoh tasted better:)
Some of the interesting things I encountered along this trip:
-my friend would eat shit, literally for RM 50,000. When he becomes a millionaire, he's going to pay people RM 50,000 to eat his shit.
-I saw the brother of Lee Sin Jie ( Actress for The Eye, Koma and Re-Cycle ) eating at a hawker center in Alor Setar.
-I can de-seed a whole Nangka fruit.
-Alor Setar hasn't changed much since I was there 12 years ago.
-30-50 sen nasi lemak still exists.
-Sitting a ferry brings out the little boy in me.
-My ex-housemate actually talks!
-I used to hate oysters, but now I love them.
-A cruel prank to play at Northem Point: go from stall to stall and order food and tell them you're sitting on Table ....(place number here) and then go back.
-Dvds are as cheap as 3 for RM 10 in Penang. Or 7 movies in one dvd for RM 15.
-I discovered the BEST Chi Cheong Fun in Penang. Nothing else comes close to it.
-I also tasted the BEST Wan Tan Mee and Popiah with Laksa sauce. And the Oyster with egg.
-Taiping is still a slow-going town.
-Finally enjoyed Lau Di Fang at nite.
-I saw the Cat-Lady.
-We toasted to our future, and to a lovely couple.
-I succumbed to joining 6 others in a Karaoke Box singing Rock DJ for RM 1. ( the kind of tiny box with a tv and av system )
-Astro is bad...no....evil!! I had Astro for breakfast, brunch, lunch, tea, dinner and supper.
-BAD TOFU!! I can't imagine sane people eating 'chou tofu', or in English, Stinking Tofu. I wasted RM 2 just to torture my taste buds.
-People would actually eat Stinking Tofu.
-The desire to eat is stronger than being sick and staying in bed.
Now it's back to reality once again. No more holidays......Time to face reality.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
The verdict is....
I PASSED!!!
Praise The Lord!!!
This means, I get to GRADUATE!!! All that last bit of effort really paid off...though it came with a price. After sitting for the same paper the 4th time, it's finally over!
Now, it's out into the working world...and of course, the long-awaited convocation.
This also means, the end of university life, unless of course, I take my Masters.
But for now, I'm exhilarated that I passed! When I think about it, this graduation is so much sweeter, because of all the hardship I had to go through just to make it. The important thing is, I made it! But, I didn't do it on my own. If not for God, I would still be sludging through all this man.
Once again, praise the Lord!
Praise The Lord!!!
This means, I get to GRADUATE!!! All that last bit of effort really paid off...though it came with a price. After sitting for the same paper the 4th time, it's finally over!
Now, it's out into the working world...and of course, the long-awaited convocation.
This also means, the end of university life, unless of course, I take my Masters.
But for now, I'm exhilarated that I passed! When I think about it, this graduation is so much sweeter, because of all the hardship I had to go through just to make it. The important thing is, I made it! But, I didn't do it on my own. If not for God, I would still be sludging through all this man.
Once again, praise the Lord!
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