Cries of Independance

Happy 48th Birthday Malaysia!

The need to think *jolted*

At a time like this, I'm wondering why am I here again. The question of existance has been playing in my head like a broken record. Am I doubting? Not exactly. But more of questioning. I don't understand. I'm so used to accepting things and ways just as they are. I've never questioned much. Why? Maybe I wanted to spare myself from the trouble of finding answers. Maybe I might never find the asnwers I want and have to live the rest of my life with a nagging unanswered question. All these 'maybe's has taken a tol on me now. I accept things to easily. I get conned to often. This simplicity has helped on living an easy life thus far. But it's reached this phase where that simplicity has to fall off.

One sign of it, honestly, is when I look at my blog. It's full of crap that I'm ashamed of. Nothing worth reading to be honest. Just ramblings of all kinds. I think twice about posting anything up now, coz my recent entry has been things that even I don't bother reading twice.

That's beside the point. In my comfort (more of 'con'-fort) zone of thinking I know what I needed to know, I was forced to get out of it. There is a wave moving. And one day it hit me. It took me off guard. I realised I knew so little. I realised I didn't have enough. I just couldn't sit down and let it pas by. I just couldn't be in that safety zone of knowing only what I needed to know. In a way, I was forced out of that simplistic state. I was in the midst of thinkers. And I wasn't keeping up.

So here I am. Wondering...questioning... It's time that I not be so naive. Just a few months ago, I was so boldly saying what I felt about my faith and how I based it on. Now I have to swallow my words and go deeper. There is more to my belief and faith than what I thought.

My protective bubble has burst. I got to humbly go this way for awhile. Seeking. Suddenly I'm not so sure anymore.

I still have my faith. But I'm seeking for other answers that I should have sought a long time ago. Eventhough I may not like what I'm going through now, but I have to go through it. Everybody has to go through this phase at least once in their life. Maybe my time is now.

Feels like swallowing the bitter pill. Some good friends really said somethings that were horrible but were in actual fact, truth that I needed to hear. It sucks.

Don't be surprised if I start thinking aloud in my blog. I haven't lost my faith. I'm just seeking more.

God, where are You in all these? I don't understand.

...

Finding my existance again
This cloud of insecurity wrap so tight
I can't breathe
I can't see
I need to find meaning
I need to find the significance
Of this life I'm living
Am I living?
Or
Am I leaving?
I'm no different from you, you and you
But I try so hard to be
Only to find my struggles are the same
My weakness similar
Weary of being who I'm not supposed to be
Strike me down....

What I got...

This year's birthday celebration has been a pretty quiet one. Must be due to the haze. Chased all my buddies away. Wish I could have gone out with all my close friends and at least celebrate over a 'happy' meal.

Anyways, here's some birthday shouts!

Happy Birthday Jia Wern, Desmond & Alicia !!!
I feel my birthday is so much more special & memorable coz I share it with the 3 of you!
On the other hand, 3 extra presents to buy:P . Hehe.
Anyways, God bless you all abundantly this coming year:D

Also on the same note, Happy Birthday Jacintha!! ( note the color blue ).
Though your birthday is 2 days away, you'll always be treated as an August kid like the rest of us:P Great having to celebrate with you.


On the other hand, I got myself a birthday gift. A sad story of buying a present to give to myself. But whatever, as long as I get to pamper myself a 'lil on this special day.

Meet the new addition

Looks familiar? This little guy is way smaller. See for yourself.





However, I don't have a name for it yet. What the heck? I don't even have a name for the big one. I suck at giving names to my pets. Feels gay. Don't ask me why.

What happens on birthdays

I've been one to eat almost anything that is considered 'food substance'. I've tasted most things without much of a hassle. I shrug off what people whine as 'gross'. Of course, I don't eat shit, literally. But what I consume out of the blue is usually 'shit' for the 'weak-hearted'.

Well, I have finally found something 'food' but with the qualities of 'shit' that has really left me blinking. The usual birthday ceremony will include either a trashing of such proportion that your clothes stink for days, or in my case, I HAD to eat some crappy concoction of harmless food, that when combined together, produces a develish delicacy only for the unfortunate birthday kid-A once in a lifetime experience. In my case, that bloody thing was shoved into my mouth by tremendous force (think Chee Yong).

The speciality presented to me was 2 pieces of delicious Chipsmore Chocolate Chip Cookies (one of my favourite, after, Famous Amos and Tesco's) with a thick (when I say thick, I mean like 1cm thick) layer of green, juicy Wasabi paste. From the moment I set eyes on it, It spelled DOOM right smack in the middle of the harmless Chipsmore Cookies.. Although I eat almost anything that is edible, I've learnt to respect the the simple Wasabi paste. Something so 'green' should never be taken lightly, or uncharacteristically. Whenever I hear the phrase, "Green with envy"....*pop*....Wasabi green.

Well, before I could say "MAMA', *poof* it disappeared into my mouth. All I could remember next was the usual 'shooting-up-your-nose' pain. Tears started forming with a touch of nausea. I chewed as best I could to grind that unholy crap in my mouth to bits so that I could at least let my stomach deal with it. But no matter how hard I tried, the 'goo-ier' it became, till it was just slosh swimming in my mouth. My 'fans' were cheering me on with taunts like : "Be a Man" & "Do the Right thing". At that point, the right thing was to just puke all over them. Serve them all.

For one, goo in your mouth is not a good sign. Number 2, 'up-your-nose' kinda pain, just makes you want to rip your head off. Number 3, with tears blocking your vision, you can't really aim who you wanna puke on. Number 4, with all of these going on at the same time, and the fact is no matter how hard I try to swallow that evil slosh, I just need to get it out of my system.

So there, I let my horrible fans down. I puked it all out. I tried. I seriously did. Heart, Soul, Mind & Body..Spirit also. It just won't go down. Each time I tried, nausea hits me right there.

I've learnt a new-found respect for wasabi, and I bow down to those who just gobble up that greenish crap with ease. ( It goes for the sick people who use their nose instead).

What a birthday *sigh*

view at own risk

Born in the....

Happy Birthday to ME!!

22 years on and counting!

Been so blessed. God I'm waiting for more.

God, thank You!

Awesome!

Singapore

I'm back...from Singapore that is:p My trip in one word : Awesome! I admit that I'm in that danger zone of falling love with Singapore. hehe.

The last time I was in that tiny country was 12 years ago. And it has developed so much. Sadly to say, I think it's more developed than Malaysia. But I still love Malaysia. Why? I'm still wondering. Anyways, I really like the landscape. It's literally green....almost everywhere. And there are lots of trees everywhere too. trees, grass, anything green. it's all there. When I see Singapore, I think 'system-ed' and 'organized'. It's so well planned. Sometimes, I wish Malaysia was like that. Not the 'kiasu' part of it, but rather how things are so well runned. Honestly, I haven't been exposed to the 'kiasu-ness' of the Singapore culture. So I shall not comment on that. But what I did see, I liked it. Though Singapore is governed by many rules and regulations, and not to forget the numerous fines that they keep issuing out for all the minute stuff, it has really caused the country to be where it is now.

For a 3 day visit, and as 'friggin' tourists' , we managed to cover a lot of places. We managed to visit the famous Science Center and the Zoo....for free! Thanks to Audrey's aunt and her contacts, we got off from paying a hefty sum to visit those places. The sucky thing was that it rained so heavily while we were at the zoo. We slushed around in the rain from animal enclosure to another. What really amazed me at the zoo was that Polar Bears are actually the largest land carnivores. They were huge. Like big! And I also saw land tortoises that weigh 300++ kgs. 4 of them! They were so huge, that they are not like the cute tortoise that I'm currently having. They reminded me of the dinosaurs. Their heads were the size of my hand. Go figure how big their bodies were. And also, the dugongs! Mien! Those animals are also huge. I saw a few 'gliding' in the water, and it really freaked me out. They were like 2+ metres long and their body diameter was half the size of a car. All the animals that fascinated me were the HUGE ones.

Other than the animals, I had my first taste of Ben & Jerry's Ice-cream. This ice-cream is an equivalent to Baskin Robin's and Haagen Daz. According to a text-book, Ben & Jerry's can only be found in the USA coz their market is so wide and good that they didn't have to bother exporting it to other countries. So, I always thought that eating, or even seeing Ben & Jerry's would be an eventful thing. So I was surprised that Singapore have their own Ben & Jerry's, and of all places, at the Zoo. It was nice stuff man. *Sweet*.

Though the 1$ singapore dollar is equivalent to RM 2.257, I still found some things cheaper than in Malaysia, even after conversion. I wish I had more time shopping.I sound so 'girl' now. But I really wished I had more time to go get stuff. We were most of the time rushing from one place to another. That explains why we could cover so much in just 3 days. We managed to visit Daiso, a $2 shop that sold everything from food to gardening stuff to kitchen stuff and all the what nots. All for $2 only! And the store was big! Usually in Malaysia, RM 4.99 shops are quite small and very limited. But over there, the shop was like 10 times bigger than the ones we find over here. So I was frantically poring over all the 'goodies'. So typical of me.

I walked the famed roads of Orchard. I visited Holland Village. Both this places remind me of Bintang Walk and Bangsar, respectively. Somehow, the air was cleaner and less polluted. I visited Tan Tock Seng Hospital. What amazes me is that this hospital is supposed to be a public hospital, but the standard is like our private hospitals here. Thers is a Starbucks, 7-Eleven, Kopitiam and alot of other shops that made the ground floor of the hospital look like a shopping mall.

The main objective of me going to Singapore was to go guitar shop hunting. And guitar shop huny we did. I only managed to visit 2 shops : Swee Lee and Davis. There were a lot of other smaller shops that I can't remember their names. But these 2 shops were my destination. Things there seem a lot cheaper. I bought loads of guitar strings coz they were cheap. Bought a few other goodies as well. Guitars there are way cheaper compared to Malaysia. hehe. Thinking of buying a new guitar already:p

Anyways, I regret not eating Mos Burger.

So much I wanted to see. Will go there again...soon..i hope.

break

In exactly 6 hours from now, I'll be on the road leading to Singapore. It's the mid-trimester break, and being back here in Melaka has been refreshing. My family is really a treasure. So far, all is gud. Wish the hols were longer. But, trying to live in the moment.

The last time I was in Singapore, I was 10. That was 12 years ago. I wonder what Singapore is like now. I'll find out soon enough. This is really a 'just-do-it' thing. Didn't plan much. Just gonna be a "friggin' tourist" for the next few days. Will probably be walking the streets of Singapore with a map in hand. Will be stepping back on Malaysian soil by Friday. Main agenda while I'm there: Guitar shop hunting! I've heard news that guitar stuff over there is 'dirt cheap'. How true it is, I'm going to find out.

I'm excited! But am I really? I'm not sure.

Sometimes I feel there's got to be more than what I'm living for. Why do I feel that I'm still missing something? Why do I still feel a void? Sometimes things just get to me and I feel like crumbling inside. Is it just me?

*not thinking*