The Haunting

When the sun sets, and the moon appears....that's when it falls on me like a flood. And sweeps my sanity away.

I grapple with the darkness, just to know that You are there
I listen to the silence, sinking unaware
Go with me, go with me

I wrote this line in my song a few months back for another reason: where do I go after graduation? Those questions kept me restless every night.
But I never knew those lyrics that I wrote would speak to me in a different light, in terms of broken relationships.

It's when the busy-ness of the day slowly wears off and space kicks in, that's when all the emotions hit me like a brick. No matter how hard I try to shut it out, *bam* and I'm down begging for mercy. Begging for grace to last through the night.
I know I will be OK, but when I'm on the floor and helpless, I'm not sure if I will make it through. Sometimes, I'm so afraid that I will snap.... and just lose control of it all.
I do try hard to keep it all inside and out of my mind. I bury it as much as I can....but all it takes is just one memory to unleash the fury of the past.

It haunts me.

I want to let go. I want to move on. But the memories won't let go of me. It eats me from the inside. All the 'what ifs' and 'whys'. I try not to feed it. But you can't always stop hungry dogs. There are times when I am OK....and before I know it, I'm begging again. Vulnerable....

And I see you and you moving on.... And I want to do the same so badly. But I'm still wounded and healing. All those years....where did it go to?





All in all, I still know for sure, that God is good. He has been, He is, and always will be good. And He's got me cornered to that place called 'surrender'. The place where I know I cannot carry on or do it with my own strength. In His time, it will be beautiful...... reason will have its season.