Dim Gai!

I just read the mail, but I don't understand this uneasiness rising within me. Maybe there's so much more that I have to let go. Maybe there's so much that I'm cluthing on to, unknowingly.
I do believe what you say is true. And I'm understanding it better. But when I hear it coming from you, it's so much harder to chew on it. Why does it seem so much easier on your side? It's been ok over here, with the occasional sunshine and cloudy days. But it seems always sunny over there. Maybe you do get those rainstorms, but there's always the silver lining.

I don't know what's eating me. Maybe, I'm just looking for justice. But then again, God is gracious. Who am I to say who should be struck down by lightning? It could have been me at the end of a lightning bolt.

It's not that I'm morbid. I try to find grace. I could probably be facing what the prodigal's older brother faced. But how do I deal with it? Should I just forget it? When you forgive, are you supposed to forget, as in literally? If so, will someone whack me with a club till I forget? Coz, I try forgetting it, but it's still there. I close my eyes, and I remember it.

How can 2 people walk through the same path and situation and come out both differently. I don't want to live in your shadaw. It feels like I am though. I want to break free from it, not being affected.

Maybe God is a just God. And His sense of justice isn't as 'twisted' as mine. Maybe I have to surrender that part of me to Him. Maybe I have to surrender justice into His hands intsead of taking it into my own. When I read the Bible, it tells me of how King David mentioned that God destroyed his enemies and scattered them before him. Sounds like a good story. But what if my enemies are also children of God? Then it means, I've made a mess of it somewhere...and pretty much screwed.

Sometimes I look at my life, and I think I've got it all good and figured out. But then again, the patches in between need soem sorting out. I'm not perfect and don't pick up too easily from a fall. I wish I could sleep a problem away. But that's just me. I'm not making an excuse for myself. It's a realisation that I'm different from you and I need to solve it differently. I may not laugh so hard, but that doesn't mean God hasn't been good to me. I may not always be smiling, but that doesn't mean I'm not ok.

Two individuals, one seeing the cup always half full and the other always half empty. Both walked through the fire. One probably comes out thanking God for making it, the other, should have died. And that sucks...to be the pessimist. When you put 2 optimists together, that doesn't mean that both will see it at eye-level. It's a matter of time before the greater pessimist of the two will consider the other overly optimistic and then it gets weird.

I'm just crapping....