The need to think *jolted*

At a time like this, I'm wondering why am I here again. The question of existance has been playing in my head like a broken record. Am I doubting? Not exactly. But more of questioning. I don't understand. I'm so used to accepting things and ways just as they are. I've never questioned much. Why? Maybe I wanted to spare myself from the trouble of finding answers. Maybe I might never find the asnwers I want and have to live the rest of my life with a nagging unanswered question. All these 'maybe's has taken a tol on me now. I accept things to easily. I get conned to often. This simplicity has helped on living an easy life thus far. But it's reached this phase where that simplicity has to fall off.

One sign of it, honestly, is when I look at my blog. It's full of crap that I'm ashamed of. Nothing worth reading to be honest. Just ramblings of all kinds. I think twice about posting anything up now, coz my recent entry has been things that even I don't bother reading twice.

That's beside the point. In my comfort (more of 'con'-fort) zone of thinking I know what I needed to know, I was forced to get out of it. There is a wave moving. And one day it hit me. It took me off guard. I realised I knew so little. I realised I didn't have enough. I just couldn't sit down and let it pas by. I just couldn't be in that safety zone of knowing only what I needed to know. In a way, I was forced out of that simplistic state. I was in the midst of thinkers. And I wasn't keeping up.

So here I am. Wondering...questioning... It's time that I not be so naive. Just a few months ago, I was so boldly saying what I felt about my faith and how I based it on. Now I have to swallow my words and go deeper. There is more to my belief and faith than what I thought.

My protective bubble has burst. I got to humbly go this way for awhile. Seeking. Suddenly I'm not so sure anymore.

I still have my faith. But I'm seeking for other answers that I should have sought a long time ago. Eventhough I may not like what I'm going through now, but I have to go through it. Everybody has to go through this phase at least once in their life. Maybe my time is now.

Feels like swallowing the bitter pill. Some good friends really said somethings that were horrible but were in actual fact, truth that I needed to hear. It sucks.

Don't be surprised if I start thinking aloud in my blog. I haven't lost my faith. I'm just seeking more.

God, where are You in all these? I don't understand.