Catching up with me

It's already becoming week 5 of my last academic trimester...that is if all goes well. A few more weeks, and I'm out of MMU.

I've managed to emerge from a bout I had with some mild depression. It's been some time since I could look at myself and smile. Things are a little better now. At least, I can shrug some negative thoughts without having to wage mental war. It is true that the mind is like a monster. It is capable of thinking the most intricate of designs and coming up with 'out-of-this-world' inventions. It can crush a spirit, break a man. It can lift the soul, build a man. A battle is already lost if the mind says so. I've seen many talented people with so much to offer, but are crippled just because they cannot see themselves breaking free of their detrimental mindset. I've fallen there once. But if only the mind can see that glimpse of hope, it is capable of breaking free and start soaring again.

Initially, thoughts about getting a job in the future put me down. My results are not all that great...not even close to calling average. I have nothing to show. I feel that my life in university, education wise, is a total joke. I don't remember what I study after the exams. It's all a blur. How am I going to be an engineer? Is it possible for me to find a place in a Multi-national Company? I really do not know. But I'm giving my best shot this final trimester. I'm a man with nothing to lose, so I've been applying for alot of jobs right now. Going for interviews and sending in resumes. It was scary at first, but after a while, I just let them grill me. Bring it on! I might not place myself an engineering job, but I might still land in a MNC somehow. But through it all, I believe that if God has brought me this far, He won't leave me stranded and jobless without a reason. So, my future has been chartered out way before I even thought of it.

On other thoughts, this world has too many negative people. Being rational and practical need not necessarily mean to be negative. It's frustrating talking to people who feel like the world is out to get them and we have to strive to make it in life. Maybe it's true. But there is such things as grace, favour and providence. If we all can have a little bit of hope, it goes a long way. The papers and telivision are already bombarding us with bad news in today's society. We don't need an extra 'messenger of doom' to go around putting down our spirits. What this world needs is more smiles and encouragement. I beg to differ if you do not feel the same.

During the mild depression period, I wondered where were my friends? More precise, who were my friends? People who said they would be there....just disapeared. It was a lonely and painful period. So much of things breaking inside, but no place to turn to. I couldn't say much, lest I be branded 'emo'. Catching up was so hard. Drifting was more painful. My close friends were becoming nominal ones. Maybe everybody had their own issues to face....or caught up with their own agenda. I really don't know. I cared till the point it hurt. I felt being taken for granted. If I was there, then good. I could be of some help. If not, it makes no difference. Suddenly, I felt side-lined. I was only approached when something was required of me. If not, I was left on the shelf. Maybe I was just losing it. Losing out. Maybe I wasn't such a great friend to them anymore. Maybe they've found better ones. Other things/people seem to be more important. My appointments were secondary most of the time. I make appointments, and last minute, they get turned down. My invitations, in their KIV files. If nothing else, then maybe they will let me come into their life. Just because I'm seen almost everyday doesn't mean everything about me is known. This whole episode made me wonder if it's just me...detached...or the people around me are changing. What really hurts, is that these are the people closest to me. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just my acquaintances. It just felt like raw wound when you're not counted in anymore. Maybe I tried too hard.

On a happier note, Amplify is back and running again. Since this trimester, I have only 2 subjects, I've been more involved in the progress of the band. I've written a new song and they've managed to arrange something beautiful out of it. We have been having practices and seem to be getting along pretty well after 3 months of separation. We're taking every opportunity that comes our way. Our initial motive to compete in Audiowardare 2005 ( which failed miserably ) , soon drove us to try for the Melaka Battle of the Bands ( which till now, we're not sure if this competition is going to take place ). But in the meantime, we're trying for 2 auditions. One is for Career Fair's Gig Night and one is for U-Nite. This morning, we went for the Career Fair's Gig Night audition and I think we did really well. We'll know the results soon enough. Tomorrow, is the U-Nite audition. All the best to us.