Fear

As I sit here typing this, I feel heavy and burdened inside. I feel restless. Like, what next? And I'm anticipating something to happen...but at the same time I fear. Being a fresh graduate, a world of opportunities, so they say. I think there is so many options ahead for me. But which one? I do not doubt that I'll get a job. I know I can. But why do I feel afraid? Why the anxiety? I think I really need something to do to get my mind off this. I wake up every morning feeling free...and yet, empty. Questions like what am I going to do today comes up. During a semester break, it's totally fine because I know that when the holidays are over, I got classes again. There is purpose.

Now I don't know what's my purpose. Not just purpose, but Purpose. I wake up with 1001 things in mind that I can do. But which will be the right thing for the day? Maybe I'm just too inward looking. But I just can't seem to see clear at the moment.

I don't have the right spirit...Maybe I'm at a point where I'm afraid of committments...of any kind. I just don't want to be tied down by anything. Maybe I'm not ready to settle down. Or in other words, change. Getting a job and starting work requires a change in lifestyle. No more late nights...no more skipping sessions whenever I like...no more sleeping in when I feel like it. In a sense, no more freedom to do as I like. This has got to end soon.

A few weeks back, I felt I wasn't ready for work. More than half my friends are already working. Some have been working for a month already. There seems to be a seamless transition from university to working world. On the other hand, I have friends who do not intend to find jobs till September. And here I am in between. I pressure myself to look for one, when half of me is not ready. My parents aren't pressuring me to work yet, but I don't understand why do I feel the need to secure a job before anything else.

I need a closure for this chapter of my university life. Still haven't found it. Still trying to write an end to it. I don't want to start the next phase of my life with unfinished business here in university. It would just be excess baggage, that would accumulate and bring about a sense of unfulfilment later on. I cannot afford that regret. If I want to move on, I need to end this phase well. Then only carry on.

The next question is, what do I really want? Thinking about it, I don't know actually. This is the biggest issue. If I knew what I wanted, I would have an idea of where to go. But now, it's square one. I need some sort of directions. I used to know what I want. But over the years, I've been exposed to more things and I realised there's more to this life than I know of. I'm confused.

This are just the thoughts that go through my head all the time in the reent days. The things that trouble me....

Lord, I need directions in my life...