Is My Life In University A Joke?

It's 3.50 in the morning. I should be sleeping, but I'm not. It's been such a stressful week. It's all over now: The FYP presentation, the EMI assignment and presentation and the Antenna assignment. All in a week's span. I'm taking a breather for a bit. Next week is study week. Then Finals. Time just flies. And here I am, doing nothing. Ok, maybe I'm thinking. These are precious moments before I immerse myself into my studies in preparation for the Finals.

My current thought : Is my whole University life a joke?

I'm on the path to be a qualified engineer. But a part of me feels that I won't become an engineer once I start working. I'll probably do something else. I have no direction. But I cannot see myself as a technical type of engineering person.

All my life I wanted to be a doctor like my father, except I had this irrational fear of dead bodies, or more of cutting up dead bodies. I didn't want to go to a private medical school. I didn't want my dad to blow a fortune on my education. He would have spent it on me, but I felt it wasn't right. I was aiming for the public universities. And most public medical faculty requires the cutting of the cadavers. I cringe at the thought. I imagine them to 'wake' from the dead while I cut them. It's stupid, but everyone has their little fearful secret. I could see myself as a doctor, but I could hardly see myself on the path there.

I took my 2nd option. To be an engineer. I had a raft idea of what an engineer was. Now as I'm about to graduate, I realised that engineering is a versatile profession. The scope is so wide and the 'engineer' term is coined so loosely nowadays. As long as you can construct or a specialsit in a certain technical field....you're an engineer...even if you don't have a paper qualification for it.

As my graduation edges nearer, I barely understand my role. Even more, I barely understand the subjects I'm learning. I do study and put in effort, but my returns are small. And it makes me wonder if I'm cut for this line of work. Most of the things I have learnt in the past 4 years are lost within the recesses of my mind. I know I did study some engineering 'stuff', but all was quickly forgotten after I 'vomitted' what I needed to fulfill the answer papers during my exams. Now, i can't remember anything much. It's mainly for exam purposes. What kind of an engineer am I? Since my traumatic experience of Add. Maths. in school, I still panic whenever I see an integration sign followed by one or more trigonometric function. I've never been a pro at maths though I fancy the idea of toying with more than just mumbers, but rather, concepts.

I feel at a lost because I have spent close to 5 years in university and about 80k for my overall education. What have I achieved? Besides a piece of paper as qualification, I feel that I have wasted it. I should at least know what in the world am I studying. But I still get that 'lost' feeling. It makes me feel stupid. Like, what have I been doing all these years here in Uni? Feels like graduating from music school and still not know how to read notes or play a single instrument.

I feel wasted. I could have studied something else or at least invested that 80k on something else more worthwhile. I feel like I've conned myself. More of a personal thing.

All I know God led me here. I never expected to come to MMU. But here I am. I have no idea what's gonna happen next. Hopefully my industrial training will shed some light......