Frustration fills the void

Some regrets in life, no matter how much you try to bury it, will never be deep enough to be forgotten. It's like a ghost, coming back to haunt you every time you're down that alley. It doesn't fade enough to be unnoticeable. I think, we call them emotional scars, that time may not necessarily heal. Anatomically, some scars last a lifetime, acting as reminders of the disasters that has blundered us physically. It might not fade completely. Some do, but others become rather superficial, yet traceable.

I'm alrite. I'm good in fact. But there are just days when the memories engulf my thoughts in a flash. And I find myself battling the demons that try to steal my happiness. From regret, it leads to sadness, which leads to depression, that slowly churns out the anger that once was tangible. And then the torrents of unanswered questions sweep me away. The anger becomes real again. What's the point of trying so hard when you're hardly trying?

I remember being destitute. I remember being an emotional paraplegic. It's been a year.It might take a few more. I am alrite. But somethings just have that uncanny substance that might trigger some minor aftershocks. It makes me think whether I am fully recovered. I don't know. In need of grace. In need of an escape.

If I don't try, would you even bother? If I don't make the first step, you wouldn't even give a rip. It feels like I'm the only one trying to keep this lifeline intact. You're just stuck in your world which is you,you and you. It was like that before, and it still is now. If I tell, you don't care. If I don't, you still don't care. So what is the difference? You never ask. I know because, I keep track. All that years of working at it, just to be another faceless character? You don't understand, and you don't even try. And what sucks the most, is that even if you do read this, you don't give a *toot*. And that is my biggest regret, giving such a big part of me away to someone who never took friendship personal.

what the funny!

I've heard of *hugz*, *double hugz* and even *triple hugz*.
I've even heard *mega hugz*.

But today was the first time I heard *Optimus Prime Hugz*.
What in the world?!

To top it off, there is now *Megatron Hugz*. haha!

What I found on YouTube

From now on, I'll post up really funny stuff that I can find on YouTube.
Found this on YouTube. Enjoy!

Planning my escape

Each day I go to work, I question what in the world am I doing here. After working for a year, I know what I don't want. Questions of wants and needs come into play. If I could quit right now, I would. But I got 6 months to go. And I am going to use this next 6 months to plan my escape.

God, there's a reason for me to be here, then You gotta make me love my job....

bomb alert

At the moment, it feels like
I'm diffusing a bomb in my storeroom

vulnerable

To speak my mind is to risk betraying myself (or be called stupid at the dumb things I say)
To step forward is to risk tripping (and stepping on dog crap)
To go ahead is to risk getting lost (or maybe knocked down by a bicylce)
To take that leap is to risk falling in the drain (yup, our Malaysian sewage drain)
To shout out loud is to risk being hushed (or given the award for being extrovert of the year)
To stay silent is to risk being labelled an introvert (or not having any opinions)
To stand your ground is to risk being called stubborn (or being the last man standing)
To sing your song is to risk being critisized (or get rich and famous, and get all the chicks)
To stay away is to risk being cold (but at a safe distance from the bomb site)
To stay on is to risk being overly affirmative (but at least it's all good)
To listen to others is to risk being the fool (unless its good advice)
To befriend is to risk being vulnerable (or end up lonely)
To follow is to risk being followed (pray you don't take the wrong turn)
To walk the extra mile is to risk walking the extra mile back (that means 2 extra miles)
To love is to risk being rejected (or you get to start a 'rejects' kinda of band)
To brush your teeth is to risk bleeding your gums (eat your vitamins)
To live is to risk dying (but everybody's gonna die one day...only question is 'when'?)

My dad...

On Monday, I had to make a trip down to Melaka for an important sales meeting. Went down just before lunch and before I went back in the evening, I made a stop at my house, more like my parent's house, since I don't really live there anymore. Hehe. Always can find uber good food at home:)

My trips back home have always been good and refreshing. It's more than just the love and warmth I get from your family, but also the insights and wisdom that parents try to impart to me.

Most of the trips back, there will be a session where me and my dad will have a talk, either over fruits or wine and cheese:p He will be saying a lot of things, giving lots of advice. I try to pick up everything, but at times, it just overloads.

Anyways, this time round, I was just sharing with him what I was feeling about my work life at this point in time. I was just expressing my doubts and concerns. And then he shared with me his experience.

To simplify it, it went something like this:
I never knew exactly what I wanted. But, I knew what I didn't want! And that was doing paperwork. So I did everything that didn't involve it and it steered me to where I am now. And right now, I like everything that I am doing.

I was like, wow! Sometimes I am trying so hard to figure out what I want, that I miss the signs of what I don't want. What I don't want can lead me to where I am supposed to be and also guide me to find out what I want.

My dad....sometimes he's so quiet....sometimes he's so loud....but nonetheless, still so wise.
My dad, my unsung hero.

And yet another

Almost another 'Ishmael' experience....
So close....
Harder to keep guard when you are weary...
Its still the fight between self and Trust...

Ishmael

Today, I almost made an 'Ishmael', just like almost every other day. Alrite, no funny ideas. I meant, I almost took something into my own hands instead, of waiting for divine timing. I'm always so close to taking this into my own hands. But I don't know how long I can keep this up. I'm weary of holding it all in. One day, it might just give way, and I'll slip. Then, it will all be screwed up.

I HAD Optimus Prime in my hands...

This is a MUST post. I held Optimus Prime (with Bone Crusher) in my hands....for a good 10 seconds....before it slipped right under my nose.

I got a call from a friend, that 6 Optimus Prime Voyagers came in, and 5 were immediately grabbed up. There was only one left. And I thought, what luck. I asked him to keep it for me and pass it to me in church on Sunday. They packaged the Optimus Prime together with Bone Crusher as a set.

I was all geared up to get it. I even planned where to put it in my room. I had mental images of how it's gonna be and all. I was excited. Felt like a kid again.

I so happened to be around his area today, and I thought I should probably pop by and collect it since I'm there. So I went, and he unveiled Optimus before me. I held it in my hands a good 10 seconds, just admiring it.

I was just about to swipe my credit card for it, when this family came in. And the dad asked my friend if the Optimus Prime came in yet, as mentioned in the email. He wanted to get it for his son, who was there with him. The kid was so young. My friend pointed at me, and said that I just took the last unit. But since I haven't paid for it, technically, it's still not mine yet.

I took a long hard look at Prime in my hands, and then I looked at the kid. Kinda feels like the scene from the Christmas movie that Arnold Susah-nak-eja acted in. It was a tough choice. If it was just the dad alone, or some other punk my age, I would have just paid immediately. But that kid....he looked so pitiful. I was struggling inside if I should just give it up to him.

Then, I just handed Prime over to him, the kid. I thought that I could at least make on kid happy.

Sighz. So close, yet so far. I had Prime in my hands, but I let it go. Feeling so stupid. Regretting it. I know it's just a friggin' toy, but it's not like an Optimus Prime model comes in all the time. And the worse thing, the dad just took it for granted that I parted with Prime so easily. I really thik that the dad wanted Prime for himself, and used his kid as the scapegoat. Cause, right after I handed Prime over to his son, the dad was going around the shop buying more Transformers stuff. He looked more like the real 'kid' here.

Well, it happens...more to come I guess...

*kicks self in the butt*

Cublicle thoughts

What I sow, is what I will reap...

What I do today, will have its consequences tomorrow...

Good...or bad...

My call...

Trust...when it seems so hard too...

Compliment of the day!

"You're such a poser!"

thank you :)

Oh, October! It's you!

September already ended. I have to wake up. So quickly, October comes. Can't say I'm looking forward to October, though it's packed with good stuff ahead. It only means the time I have is getting less. With you. I'd do it all over again, and again, and again.

But then again, there's always Jesus. And he makes all things beautiful in His time. I need trust...

On a brighter note, this is fresh off the oven. Oneted just recorded a short video clip of us jamming a cover of Paramore (Pressure) in the studio. It's our first time doing this song, so forgive the blaring mistakes. Thank you Santarina for taking the video for us:)