:)

Thursday, December 23, 2004

the encounter

I remember how God met me...at the Youth Camp.

Before the Youth Camp, I was reviewing my life, and I felt I lacked God's presence. I wanted what so many other great men of God have: that dwelling presence of God in their life, where God's tangible presence is there with them all the time. They set foot to a room of people, and the people around them can feel God's presence in them. That's what I asked God for. I asked Him for His dwelling presence once again in my life.

As I went to camp, I didn't have any preconceived ideas of how camp was gonna be like. If God wanted to touch me there, so be it. In the 1st session, Pastor Kelvin spoke about God's dwelling presence. I thought...what a heavenly coincidence. He spoke about how the dwelling presence of God evokes God's favour on our life. I know I need God's favour. To walk in humility, to let God have His way in me. He also said that God's dwelling presence also evokes changes. Change is one thing I desperately need. In my current situation, I can see the ugly part of me surfacing. I don't like what I'm becoming. I can't bear to see me transform into something the opposite of what Jesus wants me to be. And therefore, I need a change in my spirit, a change in my perception, a change in my proirities, a change in my life! I needed God's dwelling presence badly. And the 3rd thing he said that God's dwelling presence evokes enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is something that I'm drifting away from. I used to be enthusiastic about life. Now, it's just a drag. I needed God's presence in my life again. To be excited for this life He has created for me. How I desperately needed God's dwelling presence in this life of mine.

When people hurt enough, they have to change
When people learn enough, they want to change
When people receive enough, they are able to change

Then, there was a night at camp, when I felt suddenly felt depressed and alone. Everyone else was asleep, but I was up on the rooftops fighting in my spirit. I felt sad and burdened with the troubles that was clouding my life. I asked God: Where are you? I questioned Him. I challenged Him. I wanted to know where was He. I was just ranting and crying out to God for awhile. I looked out into the dark sky, hopeing that God would show Himself to me. The point of frustration just made me believe that something's gonna happen as I intently stared out into nothingness. But nothing happened. Tiredness got over me. And soon, I had to surrender to my sleep. I was disappointed, that God didn't 'show up' like I expected Him to.

Early the next morning, I arose, and the first thing that came to mind was to read my bible. Just a gentle prodding. So I did. I didn't know where to turn to, so I let the many bookmarks in my bible randomly select a page. And it was somewhere in Psalms. And it was no other than Psalms 139. As far as I can recall, I have never held dearly to this Psalm before to want me to permanently lodge a bookmark there for future reference. It must have been God's divine appointment. But here I was, this particular morning, after all my night's questing God. And this is what God spoke to me through Psalms 139.

I asked God : Where are You? What can't I feel You? Are You even there? Do You even care?

He answered : Psalms 139

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off.
3You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.
4For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
7Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"Even the night shall be light about me; 12Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb.
14I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.
15My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.
17How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!
18If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.
19Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God! Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20For they speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties;
24And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

I was awe-struck. How could such a big God take notice of me? How could He know the anguish in my heart. But He understood. Just amazing. I can't contain it. It is too mind-blowing. That God actually answered me what I needed to hear.

The next day, I told God, that I needed to hear from Him again. I still had struggles within. And as I was praying that, Pastor Kelvin said he wanted to pray for me. And God used him to speak to me. What he prayed for, was directed at what was going on inside of me. I never told Pastor Kelvin anything, but he prayed as if he knew exactly what was going on in my heart. I knew, it wasn't his knowledge, but God's revelation.

I praise You, God! Blessed be Your wondrous name. Amen!

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