to the lift...fare thee well

As I type this, I'm making a mental note that this will probably be the last time I'm writing about you. You've been part of my life for a long time, but I think that I can't stand here waiting for the lift on the ground floor to go up any longer. If the lift fails, there's always the stairs. And even if the stairs aren't there, there's other building blocks with lifts and stairs that I can go to. I need to go up, one way or another. I need to ascend this life. Scale it like a rock-climber if I must. The need to get higher to smell fresher air is forcing me to leave this lobby that I love very much. It's sad to have to walk out the main entrance and leave this lobby-in-repair, till...I don't know when...maybe never. I shudder at the thought. My dreams...My hopes...My future...My life...

I picture myself, packing up all my baggages, furnitures, some lil' treasures, my clothes and some other personal belongings that, over time, I've accumulated to make my stay at the lobby a bit more comfortable, while waiting for the lift to go up. But, cob-webs are sprouting all over the place from lack of dynamics. The lift ain't moving anywhere. I guess I'll just take my valuables and my priced posessions with me. I'll leave the rest of the things behind, so that the next passenger after me might have less trouble getting comfortable. I see my belongings slung over my shoulders, as I slowly walk to the entrance, now, the exit for my departure. I stop to take one last look. The lift still looks beautiful, as always. The make-do furniture and surrounding around the lift looks enticing. Looks like home, but doesn't feel like one. So perfect, yet so lacking. I think, maybe I'll come back here one day. Maybe. I want to! But...I don't know if i'll ever make the trip to this monumental place again. I don't know. You don't know. I miss you.

A yellow taxi's waiting for me. The driver looks agitated, like he's high on caffeine. I want to stay a second longer, as if my longing thoughts can cajole the lift into operating again, to take me someplace, other than this ground floor. Somewhere up and high. I hear him honking. I know I have to, even if I don't feel I want to. I load all my luggage into the back seat. I take a last look again. My heart breaks. From a distance, the lift still looks beautiful, as always, but all my left-behind belongings all look shabby and discolored. That's how long I've been here. Other's have walked by, other's have stopped for a drink. I've always been. But maybe my expiry date is running thin. If only I could promise that I'll come back one day. If only I could promise that I'll do what I can to make this beautiful lift take flight again, to go up, like it was made to be. I can't.

I get into the front seat. I'm worried. The driver beside me looks like he's gonna kill me for making him wait for so long. I muster the strength for one last look. Then I know what I have to do. I'll be back...maybe. But I look forward, and signal for the driver to go. His anticipation makes me sick. Why can't he understand that I want him to drive off slowly, like in the movies. Here, he's speeding like the devil after him, tearing the roads, as if for my safety he's trying to take me away from you. Now maybe I understand his anxiety.

Goodbye, I finally managed to whisper.

I wind down the window, and let a letter I was holding all this while, fly away, carried by the rushing wind.

I says:

dear you,

You asked me to understand you. I tried. I failed. But did you understand me? Did you hear me? Did what I ever said matter to you? Why do hurt me? Why are my tears still flowing. I tried all I can to make you happy and proud. I gave my best, and I would give even more. I'd give anything. I kept away things that made you sad. But why are you hurting me? What did I do to you to deserve this? Did I not prove myself worthy enough? Did I not prove myself capable enough? Why'd you let your heart be swayed by another, even when you know I loved you deeply. Why did u cheat on me? I was faithful to you. Why didn't you understand? Little things count to me. I was always there for you. But where were you? I feel so stupid and wasted. You brought me so much joy and happiness, yet you also brought me pain and sorrow. What did I do to deserve you? Is it so difficult to walk beside me and be the one to count on? The view of your back is beautiful, but it hurts to see the velocity of our strut so vastly different. Is it so detestable to look at me, when all I needed was an assuring smile? Was it expansive to call when I needed to hear the voice? Is it that predictable to be with me, when I needed your affection? You know what hurts me, and you still do it. Why? Why are you so insensitive? Why do you always say you know before the words leave my mouth? Can't I voice out my thoughts and opinions to you? I trust you enough to let you know what's really going on inside. I trust you enough till it hurts. No one else knows deeper. Why are you so quick to don't give a damn? Why are you so quick to give up? Why does it feel like I'm the only one trying to make the balance? Why do I drop everything aside to be there for you? Why am I placed on your waiting list when there's an emergency. Why do you flirt with others, when I'm still here for you? Am I a look-good furniture? Am I a plan B? Am I a no-choice decision? Why? Why?Why? You say, but you don't do. You promise, but it breaks. You tell me that it's just something, but you let it grow to something else. Why? You told me that it's just being friends, but i've seen one good apple turn bad. And I don't one to see another one turn bad too. If you say so, I'll try to believe you. But once bitten, twice shy. You've hurt me, not just once, but time and time again. But why do I still trust you? Why do I still believe? Why do you do things behind my back? Why am I still so honest with you? Maybe rite now, you might be thinking, that you don't give a damn anymore, just as I predicted. Don't you appreciate my gifts to you? Big and small. I walk in the mall, I think of you. Everywhere I go, I think of you. But you tell me you miss me, only when you see me. If I'm absent from your life for a month, will I be forgotten and replaced like coasters on the table?If you lose sight of me for a moment, will you be like a mirror that holds no lasting memory? I miss you. I love you.

ps: I wish I could usher in the new year with you. But I can't. I've got other priorities now. The pain of last year's new year is still fresh in my mind. After so long, it still hasn't subsided. I wish you well.

love,
me

I try to forget the contents of pathetic letter as it gets lifted into the air. I try. But it haunts me. The faces of the others haunts me too. This is the life I have to live. This is the fear I have to give. The closing of this year ends with a crash. My dreams...My hopes...My future...My life... I miss you.