For a moment, I thought I saw a glimpse of a mirage.......
There are some places on my journey that I know was a great stop, but I'll never be able to go back there again....Some memories are just meant to be forgotten....
Back to the off-roads....
:)
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Life as a journey
I've always pictured Life as a journey. It's so cliched, I know. Other times, Life is like a race, a fight, a roller coaster, a box of chocolates...you get the idea.
Today I was reading this book, and it mentioned about Life as a journey. And this time round, the meaning became more apparent to me.
I pictured myself taking a long drive to a far away land. My journey. As I drove, I came across beautiful mountain ranges. After a while, I saw a beautiful lake in the horizon. It was a great view. Then I passed some canyon. The sight took my breathe away. Since it's a long journey, I took a stop some place to rest. I carried on, and after some time, I passed all the beautiful mountains. After that, the desert loomed up ahead. So for the next few days, it was just driving through hot, barren land. Once that period was over, I reached the highway. The journey became much faster and smoother. After a couple of tolls, it was the city. Traffice began building up and everyone just got irritated. All the cars were honking. It was mayhem. The skyscrapers that surrounded the city made it a concrete jungle to begin with. Once all that was over, it was the quiet, empty road of the wilderness again. I got to see the mountains again. And then, since I was in a 4x4 vehicle, I decided to take a drive through the jungle and make a track of my own. Chart a path that I can call mine. The story goes on and on.
It was all imagination. But if Life is a journey, it would be something like that. In this picture, the scenery is always changing. The landscape is constantly evolving. If I look at my life that way, the situations and scenarios in my life will keep flipping its cards. One moment, it would be this story, then the next, it's another story. It's beginning to sink in that the journey may not be smooth and perfect as much as we want it to be. We may plan our path out, but the potholes are still there and we have to go through them. When the traffic gets too congested, it seems that life is slowing down. On the highway, we're just moving about too quickly to even enjoy some of life's littlest pleasures. The situations keep changing, but we have to keep moving on.
It is also a reminder to me not to hold on to tightly to a particular scenery. If I do, once the view changes, I'd be disoriented thinking that it would be the same still. Remember and take in as much as the view allows us. Once it changes, the key is to adapt to the new surroundings.
At this moment, it feels like I just left the main road, and got dirty in the off-roads. Time to charter a path of my own.
Today I was reading this book, and it mentioned about Life as a journey. And this time round, the meaning became more apparent to me.
I pictured myself taking a long drive to a far away land. My journey. As I drove, I came across beautiful mountain ranges. After a while, I saw a beautiful lake in the horizon. It was a great view. Then I passed some canyon. The sight took my breathe away. Since it's a long journey, I took a stop some place to rest. I carried on, and after some time, I passed all the beautiful mountains. After that, the desert loomed up ahead. So for the next few days, it was just driving through hot, barren land. Once that period was over, I reached the highway. The journey became much faster and smoother. After a couple of tolls, it was the city. Traffice began building up and everyone just got irritated. All the cars were honking. It was mayhem. The skyscrapers that surrounded the city made it a concrete jungle to begin with. Once all that was over, it was the quiet, empty road of the wilderness again. I got to see the mountains again. And then, since I was in a 4x4 vehicle, I decided to take a drive through the jungle and make a track of my own. Chart a path that I can call mine. The story goes on and on.
It was all imagination. But if Life is a journey, it would be something like that. In this picture, the scenery is always changing. The landscape is constantly evolving. If I look at my life that way, the situations and scenarios in my life will keep flipping its cards. One moment, it would be this story, then the next, it's another story. It's beginning to sink in that the journey may not be smooth and perfect as much as we want it to be. We may plan our path out, but the potholes are still there and we have to go through them. When the traffic gets too congested, it seems that life is slowing down. On the highway, we're just moving about too quickly to even enjoy some of life's littlest pleasures. The situations keep changing, but we have to keep moving on.
It is also a reminder to me not to hold on to tightly to a particular scenery. If I do, once the view changes, I'd be disoriented thinking that it would be the same still. Remember and take in as much as the view allows us. Once it changes, the key is to adapt to the new surroundings.
At this moment, it feels like I just left the main road, and got dirty in the off-roads. Time to charter a path of my own.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The year of the Pig
The year of the pig/boar (whatever makes you happy) is here. Not being racist, but if you're chinese, you'd probably understand the meaning. It's the 2nd time that this similar year has occured, meaning, I'll be 24 this year! It happens in cycles of 12 years. The next time the 'pig' comes my way, i'll be 36, so on and so forth.
I'm not religious. It so happens that I'm born a Chinese into the year of the pig...
I know this fact, but I can't help saying it again: Time does fly.
I'm already 24, or going to be. What have I done with my life?
I'll leave that for another blog post.
This will be one of the longest holiday I'll have back in Melaka. A whole week! I have been looking forward for this Chinese New Year celebration. It has come and gone pretty quickly. It's already the 4th day of the new year, the chinese one. It's another reminder that since the New Year, the non-chinese one, I still have yet to do my mission and vision statement for myself. It's already the 2nd month into 2007. I have been putting this off. Pardon my reflection. Sometimes, I'm so busy that I don't take time off to reflect. Doing all that as I'm typing this entry.
For this new year, the chinese one, I made it a point to buy new clothes. It's some Chinese tradition that one must clothe himself with new things for the new year. I don't buy into that, but heck, who doesn't like new clothes? So for the past 24 years of my life, I've always worn some new outfit just for kicks. It's probably my upbrining, but I'm totally cool with that. This year, I didn't have anything new to wear. So in the name of Chinese tradition, I went shopping. Neat huh? Got my second pair of Levi's and my first ever Plastic apparel. I hate to admit it, but I've become a Plastic fan.
Thank you, dear shopping companion, for helping me make my selections. It was really fun. We should do it again sometime soon. Your taste makes me feel like I'm an old fart. And no...I'm not gonna wear something that has "We Are Family" on it no matter how cool it looks. Plain corny.
Home's been good. Dad has been imparting lots of 'pearls of wisdom'. But it comes in intermittent barrages. Some of it still has yet to sink in. But it's all good. He did mention that some chapters in life are meant to be left as it is. The other rides will come and go. Just hop on one and see where it takes me to. Who knows what the future holds? It's just one of those precious moments where father and son connect mentally and emotionally, over a couple of bottles of wine:P
I'm still trying to deal with the emotional scars from the past few months. It's been ok...as long as I don't think about it. But when I do, it still hurts. But pain reminds me that it was so good, that's why it hurts so bad. Now who said that? Came across that phrase from some movie. Sometimes I catch myself feeling bitter when I do think about it. But I'm learning to deal with it. When I think too far, I have to bring myself to deal with it a day at a time. My dad said that if I can look as if nothing bad has happened to me, then it could possibly mean that I've overcomed the obstacle and healed. At the moment, I have yet to reach that level. I'm trying to forgive and let go. Just met another friend that shares the same life principle as me: don't go out with your buddies ex. plain ugly. haha.
This week, I thought about you, and it frightens me. Could it be? I really don't know. Why are you invading my thoughts? But it puts a smile on my face:) Time will tell what it's supposed to be.
By the way, did I meantion, it's 5.40am?
I'm not religious. It so happens that I'm born a Chinese into the year of the pig...
I know this fact, but I can't help saying it again: Time does fly.
I'm already 24, or going to be. What have I done with my life?
I'll leave that for another blog post.
This will be one of the longest holiday I'll have back in Melaka. A whole week! I have been looking forward for this Chinese New Year celebration. It has come and gone pretty quickly. It's already the 4th day of the new year, the chinese one. It's another reminder that since the New Year, the non-chinese one, I still have yet to do my mission and vision statement for myself. It's already the 2nd month into 2007. I have been putting this off. Pardon my reflection. Sometimes, I'm so busy that I don't take time off to reflect. Doing all that as I'm typing this entry.
For this new year, the chinese one, I made it a point to buy new clothes. It's some Chinese tradition that one must clothe himself with new things for the new year. I don't buy into that, but heck, who doesn't like new clothes? So for the past 24 years of my life, I've always worn some new outfit just for kicks. It's probably my upbrining, but I'm totally cool with that. This year, I didn't have anything new to wear. So in the name of Chinese tradition, I went shopping. Neat huh? Got my second pair of Levi's and my first ever Plastic apparel. I hate to admit it, but I've become a Plastic fan.
Thank you, dear shopping companion, for helping me make my selections. It was really fun. We should do it again sometime soon. Your taste makes me feel like I'm an old fart. And no...I'm not gonna wear something that has "We Are Family" on it no matter how cool it looks. Plain corny.
Home's been good. Dad has been imparting lots of 'pearls of wisdom'. But it comes in intermittent barrages. Some of it still has yet to sink in. But it's all good. He did mention that some chapters in life are meant to be left as it is. The other rides will come and go. Just hop on one and see where it takes me to. Who knows what the future holds? It's just one of those precious moments where father and son connect mentally and emotionally, over a couple of bottles of wine:P
I'm still trying to deal with the emotional scars from the past few months. It's been ok...as long as I don't think about it. But when I do, it still hurts. But pain reminds me that it was so good, that's why it hurts so bad. Now who said that? Came across that phrase from some movie. Sometimes I catch myself feeling bitter when I do think about it. But I'm learning to deal with it. When I think too far, I have to bring myself to deal with it a day at a time. My dad said that if I can look as if nothing bad has happened to me, then it could possibly mean that I've overcomed the obstacle and healed. At the moment, I have yet to reach that level. I'm trying to forgive and let go. Just met another friend that shares the same life principle as me: don't go out with your buddies ex. plain ugly. haha.
This week, I thought about you, and it frightens me. Could it be? I really don't know. Why are you invading my thoughts? But it puts a smile on my face:) Time will tell what it's supposed to be.
By the way, did I meantion, it's 5.40am?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Thoughts in the night
Hate is a very strong emotion. There's the good kind, and also the bad kind. The good kind of hate will allow you to focus on the bad stuff and overcome it. For example, if you hate laziness or any bad habit, it will help you focus to not be lazy. But it's the bad kinda hate that is bothering me now.
Hating people is a lose-lose situation. As far as experience tells me, when you hate someone, intentionally or unintentionally, you lose out both ways. There is nothing to gain from it.
For one, it really sucks the strength from you. Hate has the capability to drain you out emotionally. And also spiritually. And for all you know, you may have that feeling towards someone else, and the other person might not know about it. So you're clapping your hand in a way.
I don't really wanna talk about hate, but it's been on my mind now. So instead of talking about the actual problem, which I have no liberty to put up on this blog, I have diverted the topic into issues with hate.
So, just let go and stop hating. It frees you. Much easier said than done.
To be honest, I am not that ok. And there are many things running through my mind. But I'll leave them for another day.
If only you had released this heart when you were unsure about yourself, I might not be here facing this sense of utter loss. I might have chartered a different path for myself. I might have found another secret.
If you had not made empty promises, I wouldn't have hoped so much, or secretly planned and schemed. But I did hope, and I did plan, and now that you went back on your word, it feels like those promises were tiny hooks just ripping out the heart.
But at the end of the day, there is no one to blame but myself. For being stupid enough to buy into empty promises and hoping on broken dreams. For holding on when there is no point, or even fighting a losing battle. I know that God is still good. But these are the stuff I got to deal with daily till I am free again.
Hating people is a lose-lose situation. As far as experience tells me, when you hate someone, intentionally or unintentionally, you lose out both ways. There is nothing to gain from it.
For one, it really sucks the strength from you. Hate has the capability to drain you out emotionally. And also spiritually. And for all you know, you may have that feeling towards someone else, and the other person might not know about it. So you're clapping your hand in a way.
I don't really wanna talk about hate, but it's been on my mind now. So instead of talking about the actual problem, which I have no liberty to put up on this blog, I have diverted the topic into issues with hate.
So, just let go and stop hating. It frees you. Much easier said than done.
To be honest, I am not that ok. And there are many things running through my mind. But I'll leave them for another day.
If only you had released this heart when you were unsure about yourself, I might not be here facing this sense of utter loss. I might have chartered a different path for myself. I might have found another secret.
If you had not made empty promises, I wouldn't have hoped so much, or secretly planned and schemed. But I did hope, and I did plan, and now that you went back on your word, it feels like those promises were tiny hooks just ripping out the heart.
But at the end of the day, there is no one to blame but myself. For being stupid enough to buy into empty promises and hoping on broken dreams. For holding on when there is no point, or even fighting a losing battle. I know that God is still good. But these are the stuff I got to deal with daily till I am free again.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
The thing about charity....
Today, of all days, I went to work early. On normal days, I reach the office bout 8.45am-9.00am. But due to some early appointments, I was in by 8.30am. I looked at the parking lot, it was quite empty. The thought running through my head at that time was where in the world is my colleague's car. I was about to park my car in front of my office, when I heard tyres screeching. And then....*bang*. It was more like a *thud*
I looked to my left...and I saw this Kancil literally kissing my car's butt...on the left cheek:P My car was still a few feet into the lot.
Somehow, I didn't panic. I managed to get my car into the parking lot, and got out to check the damage. It wasn't much, except that the body above the wheels was dented here and there. On closer inspection, my wheels looked like it was slightly slanted. The impact might had shifted it off the axis by a couple of degrees.
All this while, the lady in the other car was apologising and explaining in Cantonese, and I had to bluntly cut her short and embarassingly explain I can't understand a word she's saying. She switched to English in a blink and I still couldn't process what she's saying. In my head, I was replaying the whole sequence. I was on my side of the road, she was following behind. I signalled left to turn in, and just when the signal went off, she runs into me. She must have been following me quite closely and at very high speed.
Through her incessant apology, I didn't have the heart to ask her to pay up then and there. She explained she was late for work, which was a couple of blocks down from my office. I was also rushing, so I just took her number and car number plate and told her I'll get back to her. She had that kind of 'blank/disturbed' look on her face. As if she was thinking of something else and was really deep in thought while this whole thing took place.
Later on, after processing everything, I smsed her to ask her how to settle it. She replied me that she's facing financial difficulty and she found out that her husband's having an affair with someone else. I really didn't have to know that. That was probably why she had that 'occupied' look on her face. Like she was thinking deeply about something else and wasn't aware that I had slowed down to turn. After hearing something like that...how could I still 'extort' money from her? But...maybe she was pulling my leg for some sort of get-a-way sympathy. I really don't know. But I really bought her story. What if she was really telling the truth? What is a couple of hundred bucks compared to having known your husband cheated on you?
When it comes to issues like this, I wonder if I am soft...as in, throw me a touching story, and I'll buy it...even if it's not real. I can't tell.
Later on I smsed her that if she hadn't banged my car, we wouldn't even have to pay a single cent. But now that it's happened, we should work something out. It's not my fault at all. It would be unfair for me to fork out cash for something I didn't even cause. I told her I'd get it fix and show her the bill. And she can pay me later on. I wished her all the best with her husband, and she replied that she would pay me when she gets her cash and thanked me for understanding.
Later on, I was walking around the hospital, and just as I was about to go to my car, this old man and a somewhat 'mentally challenged' kid comes up to me. He looked relaly poor and his shirt was really all grossed out wiht soil. He was speaking in Cantonese and I had to cut him by explaining I can't udnerstand him. And he switches to English in a blink (dejavu). He told me he needed some some cash to buy himself those asthma pumps. He had one in his hand, but he said it's finished and he needs to get a new one. The kid beside him had this 'spaced-out' look in his eyes. Halfway through explaining, the kid goes into a fit of sorts. And I bought into that. I thought...hey, maybe he's really poor, and his son is really retarded. So I gave him some money. I know that people would usually ask me to refrain from giving. But I didn't have the time to walk him to the pharmacy to actually buy one. So I just gave, hoping it would make a difference somehow.
The thing about doing charity nowdays, is that it has to be done through proper channels. If not, there are a lot of scams going on out there to suck your money. And eventhough you have good intentions, the help goes into the wrong hands and end up becoming support for a possible druggie. I really don't know.
When I did get to my car, I did pray and ask God for wisdom in the coming times. I really gave out of good intentions. I wanted to help. These people that I gave to, could be Jesus in disguise, the one where He told his disciples, that when you feed the poor, you're feeding Him, when you clothe the naked, you're clothing Him, when you shelter the homeless, you're sheltering Him. It could just be Him. So maybe, I give my part. What happens next, I leave it to God. What you sow, you will reap. So if it was a scam, the people behind it will reap their sowing when the season comes.
Anyways, I was talking to a friend later on about the incident, and she said that medication in the government hospitals is almost free. At most you pay, RM 5. That asthma pump would have been really cheap. So maybe...., just maybe..... I was duped! Well, life goes on. The sun shines on both the good and the bad. And God is still good.
I looked to my left...and I saw this Kancil literally kissing my car's butt...on the left cheek:P My car was still a few feet into the lot.
Somehow, I didn't panic. I managed to get my car into the parking lot, and got out to check the damage. It wasn't much, except that the body above the wheels was dented here and there. On closer inspection, my wheels looked like it was slightly slanted. The impact might had shifted it off the axis by a couple of degrees.
All this while, the lady in the other car was apologising and explaining in Cantonese, and I had to bluntly cut her short and embarassingly explain I can't understand a word she's saying. She switched to English in a blink and I still couldn't process what she's saying. In my head, I was replaying the whole sequence. I was on my side of the road, she was following behind. I signalled left to turn in, and just when the signal went off, she runs into me. She must have been following me quite closely and at very high speed.
Through her incessant apology, I didn't have the heart to ask her to pay up then and there. She explained she was late for work, which was a couple of blocks down from my office. I was also rushing, so I just took her number and car number plate and told her I'll get back to her. She had that kind of 'blank/disturbed' look on her face. As if she was thinking of something else and was really deep in thought while this whole thing took place.
Later on, after processing everything, I smsed her to ask her how to settle it. She replied me that she's facing financial difficulty and she found out that her husband's having an affair with someone else. I really didn't have to know that. That was probably why she had that 'occupied' look on her face. Like she was thinking deeply about something else and wasn't aware that I had slowed down to turn. After hearing something like that...how could I still 'extort' money from her? But...maybe she was pulling my leg for some sort of get-a-way sympathy. I really don't know. But I really bought her story. What if she was really telling the truth? What is a couple of hundred bucks compared to having known your husband cheated on you?
When it comes to issues like this, I wonder if I am soft...as in, throw me a touching story, and I'll buy it...even if it's not real. I can't tell.
Later on I smsed her that if she hadn't banged my car, we wouldn't even have to pay a single cent. But now that it's happened, we should work something out. It's not my fault at all. It would be unfair for me to fork out cash for something I didn't even cause. I told her I'd get it fix and show her the bill. And she can pay me later on. I wished her all the best with her husband, and she replied that she would pay me when she gets her cash and thanked me for understanding.
Later on, I was walking around the hospital, and just as I was about to go to my car, this old man and a somewhat 'mentally challenged' kid comes up to me. He looked relaly poor and his shirt was really all grossed out wiht soil. He was speaking in Cantonese and I had to cut him by explaining I can't udnerstand him. And he switches to English in a blink (dejavu). He told me he needed some some cash to buy himself those asthma pumps. He had one in his hand, but he said it's finished and he needs to get a new one. The kid beside him had this 'spaced-out' look in his eyes. Halfway through explaining, the kid goes into a fit of sorts. And I bought into that. I thought...hey, maybe he's really poor, and his son is really retarded. So I gave him some money. I know that people would usually ask me to refrain from giving. But I didn't have the time to walk him to the pharmacy to actually buy one. So I just gave, hoping it would make a difference somehow.
The thing about doing charity nowdays, is that it has to be done through proper channels. If not, there are a lot of scams going on out there to suck your money. And eventhough you have good intentions, the help goes into the wrong hands and end up becoming support for a possible druggie. I really don't know.
When I did get to my car, I did pray and ask God for wisdom in the coming times. I really gave out of good intentions. I wanted to help. These people that I gave to, could be Jesus in disguise, the one where He told his disciples, that when you feed the poor, you're feeding Him, when you clothe the naked, you're clothing Him, when you shelter the homeless, you're sheltering Him. It could just be Him. So maybe, I give my part. What happens next, I leave it to God. What you sow, you will reap. So if it was a scam, the people behind it will reap their sowing when the season comes.
Anyways, I was talking to a friend later on about the incident, and she said that medication in the government hospitals is almost free. At most you pay, RM 5. That asthma pump would have been really cheap. So maybe...., just maybe..... I was duped! Well, life goes on. The sun shines on both the good and the bad. And God is still good.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Friday, February 02, 2007
* emotional paraplegic *
When I think I'm ok and getting better, I find myself flat on the foor again.
God, You win, ok!
What's going on? Are you drilling into my head the fact that I cannot do this on my own?
Wait a minute...of coz You are.
Alrite....I really can't do this on my own. And all this while, I've been pushing on with my own strength... and keep failing...miserably.
It sucks to be an emotional paraplegic, but that's what I am Lord...and I can't drag on this way. I desperately need your spiritual crutches to get going while I heal. Maybe I might be this way for life: A spiritual cripple with no other source of dependance but You.
Won't You heal me Lord? soon?
God, You win, ok!
What's going on? Are you drilling into my head the fact that I cannot do this on my own?
Wait a minute...of coz You are.
Alrite....I really can't do this on my own. And all this while, I've been pushing on with my own strength... and keep failing...miserably.
It sucks to be an emotional paraplegic, but that's what I am Lord...and I can't drag on this way. I desperately need your spiritual crutches to get going while I heal. Maybe I might be this way for life: A spiritual cripple with no other source of dependance but You.
Won't You heal me Lord? soon?
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
It's about the "today's" that determines our tomorrows
Today....I thought about you....and you stopped my breath, again, in not a good way. Your sms came, but, isn't it a bit too late for that?
Today....I didn't see you. But it's ok.
Today....I talked to you and found out you don't dig Chinese dudes....crap! Maybe you would change your mind someday;) My hopes are to still try out surfing.
Today....I got into plastics. Not just one, but two. And the moment I got them, I swiped them.I hope it will be just for gas. I would have treated you to dinner with them, but maybe not anymore.
Today....I made the company laptop mine. It's about ownership....yeah rite.
Today....I am reminded that it's not just the end-product, but the process, that will always be remembered.
Today....You came into my thoughts, and I knew I felt peace.
Today....would never have happened if I didn't deceide yesterday that tomorrow would be a better day.
Today....I declare that God is still Good.
Today....I didn't see you. But it's ok.
Today....I talked to you and found out you don't dig Chinese dudes....crap! Maybe you would change your mind someday;) My hopes are to still try out surfing.
Today....I got into plastics. Not just one, but two. And the moment I got them, I swiped them.I hope it will be just for gas. I would have treated you to dinner with them, but maybe not anymore.
Today....I made the company laptop mine. It's about ownership....yeah rite.
Today....I am reminded that it's not just the end-product, but the process, that will always be remembered.
Today....You came into my thoughts, and I knew I felt peace.
Today....would never have happened if I didn't deceide yesterday that tomorrow would be a better day.
Today....I declare that God is still Good.
Monday, January 29, 2007
The Haunting
When the sun sets, and the moon appears....that's when it falls on me like a flood. And sweeps my sanity away.
I grapple with the darkness, just to know that You are there
I listen to the silence, sinking unaware
Go with me, go with me
I wrote this line in my song a few months back for another reason: where do I go after graduation? Those questions kept me restless every night.
But I never knew those lyrics that I wrote would speak to me in a different light, in terms of broken relationships.
It's when the busy-ness of the day slowly wears off and space kicks in, that's when all the emotions hit me like a brick. No matter how hard I try to shut it out, *bam* and I'm down begging for mercy. Begging for grace to last through the night.
I know I will be OK, but when I'm on the floor and helpless, I'm not sure if I will make it through. Sometimes, I'm so afraid that I will snap.... and just lose control of it all.
I do try hard to keep it all inside and out of my mind. I bury it as much as I can....but all it takes is just one memory to unleash the fury of the past.
It haunts me.
I want to let go. I want to move on. But the memories won't let go of me. It eats me from the inside. All the 'what ifs' and 'whys'. I try not to feed it. But you can't always stop hungry dogs. There are times when I am OK....and before I know it, I'm begging again. Vulnerable....
And I see you and you moving on.... And I want to do the same so badly. But I'm still wounded and healing. All those years....where did it go to?
All in all, I still know for sure, that God is good. He has been, He is, and always will be good. And He's got me cornered to that place called 'surrender'. The place where I know I cannot carry on or do it with my own strength. In His time, it will be beautiful...... reason will have its season.
I grapple with the darkness, just to know that You are there
I listen to the silence, sinking unaware
Go with me, go with me
I wrote this line in my song a few months back for another reason: where do I go after graduation? Those questions kept me restless every night.
But I never knew those lyrics that I wrote would speak to me in a different light, in terms of broken relationships.
It's when the busy-ness of the day slowly wears off and space kicks in, that's when all the emotions hit me like a brick. No matter how hard I try to shut it out, *bam* and I'm down begging for mercy. Begging for grace to last through the night.
I know I will be OK, but when I'm on the floor and helpless, I'm not sure if I will make it through. Sometimes, I'm so afraid that I will snap.... and just lose control of it all.
I do try hard to keep it all inside and out of my mind. I bury it as much as I can....but all it takes is just one memory to unleash the fury of the past.
It haunts me.
I want to let go. I want to move on. But the memories won't let go of me. It eats me from the inside. All the 'what ifs' and 'whys'. I try not to feed it. But you can't always stop hungry dogs. There are times when I am OK....and before I know it, I'm begging again. Vulnerable....
And I see you and you moving on.... And I want to do the same so badly. But I'm still wounded and healing. All those years....where did it go to?
All in all, I still know for sure, that God is good. He has been, He is, and always will be good. And He's got me cornered to that place called 'surrender'. The place where I know I cannot carry on or do it with my own strength. In His time, it will be beautiful...... reason will have its season.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Check mate...
In just a few months, everything feels stripped away. Nothing to hold on to, nothing to hold me back. The slate can't get any cleaner than this!
But why do I find it difficult to let go when I know I have to? There is no other option. If I want to progress on in my life, I need to do this!
At one time I had choices. Now I have only 1 choice : surrender....
The faster, I let go of these, the quicker I get to move on. Once I achieve that, the clearer I get to see things and the fresher my perspective. Then, the easier for me to head in the direction I need to go and achieve my goals.
God, you've got me cornered this time...... I surrender.....
But why do I find it difficult to let go when I know I have to? There is no other option. If I want to progress on in my life, I need to do this!
At one time I had choices. Now I have only 1 choice : surrender....
The faster, I let go of these, the quicker I get to move on. Once I achieve that, the clearer I get to see things and the fresher my perspective. Then, the easier for me to head in the direction I need to go and achieve my goals.
God, you've got me cornered this time...... I surrender.....
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Getting it over with
It's 6.46 am, or so my clock says. I can't sleep anymore. So, I'm up, tweaking with with funky broadband connection. I feel like letting go a stream of vulgarities at the present condition of my broadband, but it will do no use.
I did get my braodband connection after all. After 4 months of no connection, it's finally here. I'm not sure if I'm happy about it, or cry about it. Sometimes, I am so focused on something that when I actually achieve it, the glitter is gone.
There's no use ranting about this here, unless there are a few tech savvy people who are willing to help me out with my so-called broadband line.
I did get my braodband connection after all. After 4 months of no connection, it's finally here. I'm not sure if I'm happy about it, or cry about it. Sometimes, I am so focused on something that when I actually achieve it, the glitter is gone.
There's no use ranting about this here, unless there are a few tech savvy people who are willing to help me out with my so-called broadband line.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Even the best fall down sometimes
I remember you sent me this song, and it has been special since.
Collide by Howie Day
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow findYou and I collide
I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow findYou and I collide
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
Songs that really say what it is
Goodbye, Goodnight by MAE
The nights are getting colder.
The red light's on, it's over.
To give up now doesn't make much sense.
So this is my goodbye.
Surprised, because I thought I could walk you home tonight,
but you're leaving me here on the defense.
Goodbye, I'm not going to waste this time,
this light that burns will keep on fading.
Goodnight, I'm not getting up off of this ride,
I'm holding tight until I can feel alive.
I've written you this letter, got it back return to sender.
But I just can't remember you being quite like that.
Misunderstand, we're holding hands,
we're at the beach, we're throwing sand.
As the lights just go up all around us, I can't believe it's over.
I'm sitting under falling stars.
Do you miss me where you are?
I'm making plans to be with you.
But have they come unglued?
What am I do to without you?
The nights are getting warm again.
They've let you go, I let you in.
Everything you're saying sounds right tonight.
The waves are crashing on and on.
We're running even if we're wrong.
This force is driving me to test the speed of light.
Awakening by MAE
When I close my eyes to this paradox place
I'll fly away, far away from here
I'll get away and dream, dream of you
When it's all said and done
And the night has come
I'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here
Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years
And I'll fly, fly across the sky
And I'll leave, I'll leave it all behind
If you'll be here, here with me tonight
I'll be fine, I'll be fine
I'll be fine
We're So Far Away by MAE
Remembering, everything about my world and when you came.
Wondering if the change you’d bring means nothing else would be the same.
Did you know what you were doing? Did you know?
Did you know how you would move me?
Well, I don’t really think so.
But the night came down and swept us away.
And the stars, they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene today.
How could we know? That song this show.
We'd learn so much about ourselves,
From Toledo to Tokyo, the words were scribed on every page,
And now there’s books up on our shelves.
Did you know how you would move us? Did you know?
When the lights first came upon us and we saw the Everglow.
And the moment's magic swept us away.
And a young man's dream was almost seen so plain.
When was the night that showed us the sign?
Revealed in the sky to leave all behind.
But where to begin? Throwing caution to the wind.
We reached for the stars, Everything was now ours.
Did you know how you would move me? Did you know?
Did you know how you would move me?
Well, I don’t even think so.
But the moment's magic swept us away.
And it’s so close but we’re so far away.
It’s so close but we’re so far away.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
So the new year is here..
In desperation, I have applied for a phone line, and it is here already! Streamyx will be coming in a weeks time...I hope.
I hope I can survive paying for the bills. Just installing the line has cost a bomb.
I'm starting this new year with the realization that everything is stripped away, and in His time, it will be beautiful.
How can I lose something that I didn't even own?
How can I break-up with someone that I didn't even get together with?
Why does it hurt so bad?
I hope I can survive paying for the bills. Just installing the line has cost a bomb.
I'm starting this new year with the realization that everything is stripped away, and in His time, it will be beautiful.
How can I lose something that I didn't even own?
How can I break-up with someone that I didn't even get together with?
Why does it hurt so bad?
Saturday, November 11, 2006
* Sponsor Wee Liem's Streamyx for 6 months FUND!! *
Excuse my absence and my lack of blogging for the next few weeks, God-forbid, the next few months.
This is my life transition as of today ( view flow chart ) :
In terms of housing location
Cyberjaya ( Cyberia ) -> Kelana Jaya ( House #3, just behind LRT station ) -> USJ12 ( Josh's house a.k.a. Beng's Corner )
In terms of work
Fresh graduate -> 3 days in IKEA ( Com-in Department ) -> 1 Month in Motorola (Field Tester ) -> Delta Medisains ( Product Consultant for Lumenis, USA )
And all this happened in the span of 3 months. My current job is along the sales line. My product is mainly dealing with surgical lasers, which requires a wee bit of my engineering background as well. So, not everythings wasted. I travel around alot, visiting hospitals, clinics and other medical institutions. I talk to doctors, nurses, medical assistants...and anyone that is related to these areas : ENT, Ophtalmic, Urology and Dental. The job has been pretty good so far. Alot to learn, like how do I deal with people, and striking a conversation out of nothing and getting answers from them without asking directly. On top of that, I got to know my products really well. In case you never knew, the laser that I sell can actually burn a hole through your flesh and blast away kiney stones and the likes. Nasty stuff.
Ok, enough about my job for now. Will elaborate more later.
In the mean time, I have to confess that I'm having withdrawal syptoms from lack of the internet. My whole Cyberjaya/Uni life has been revolving around the internet. Everything I do almost involves a PC too. That's how I organise my things, time, money...and stay connected to people. Not just the internet. More accurately, broadband! Everything's a lot faster than dial-up...which I'm using to type this entry.
This is my plea to why I need Streamyx. For those who've heard me rant this before, just skip to the bottom of the page for the next part. But for those who haven't, bear with me.
It's hard to stay connected without the internet. Chat programs are the cheaper alternatives to smses and phone calls. And because of that, alot of information, important ones too, are sent through emails of some sort. Sometimes I miss out important things because I can't access my email. In my office now, we have a few laptops that are shared with everyone else. And these laptops are used mainly for work related stuff. So, I can't just go and check my mail in the midst of doing my work. That would be unacceptable. I also miss downloading stuff. That's besides the point. There are times when I need to do a research on some product or procedure, it's so difficult. It's easy to say, go to a cybercafe. But CC's are just blasting away with gamers. It's not easy to do your work or to download relevant materials there as well.
Anyways, where was I? I guess it will take a few more months before I can afford to install Streamyx in the house. Till then, I'll read a book and get left out coz I didn't get to check my mail and read yesterday's news or something.
Bah!
This is my life transition as of today ( view flow chart ) :
In terms of housing location
Cyberjaya ( Cyberia ) -> Kelana Jaya ( House #3, just behind LRT station ) -> USJ12 ( Josh's house a.k.a. Beng's Corner )
In terms of work
Fresh graduate -> 3 days in IKEA ( Com-in Department ) -> 1 Month in Motorola (Field Tester ) -> Delta Medisains ( Product Consultant for Lumenis, USA )
And all this happened in the span of 3 months. My current job is along the sales line. My product is mainly dealing with surgical lasers, which requires a wee bit of my engineering background as well. So, not everythings wasted. I travel around alot, visiting hospitals, clinics and other medical institutions. I talk to doctors, nurses, medical assistants...and anyone that is related to these areas : ENT, Ophtalmic, Urology and Dental. The job has been pretty good so far. Alot to learn, like how do I deal with people, and striking a conversation out of nothing and getting answers from them without asking directly. On top of that, I got to know my products really well. In case you never knew, the laser that I sell can actually burn a hole through your flesh and blast away kiney stones and the likes. Nasty stuff.
Ok, enough about my job for now. Will elaborate more later.
In the mean time, I have to confess that I'm having withdrawal syptoms from lack of the internet. My whole Cyberjaya/Uni life has been revolving around the internet. Everything I do almost involves a PC too. That's how I organise my things, time, money...and stay connected to people. Not just the internet. More accurately, broadband! Everything's a lot faster than dial-up...which I'm using to type this entry.
This is my plea to why I need Streamyx. For those who've heard me rant this before, just skip to the bottom of the page for the next part. But for those who haven't, bear with me.
It's hard to stay connected without the internet. Chat programs are the cheaper alternatives to smses and phone calls. And because of that, alot of information, important ones too, are sent through emails of some sort. Sometimes I miss out important things because I can't access my email. In my office now, we have a few laptops that are shared with everyone else. And these laptops are used mainly for work related stuff. So, I can't just go and check my mail in the midst of doing my work. That would be unacceptable. I also miss downloading stuff. That's besides the point. There are times when I need to do a research on some product or procedure, it's so difficult. It's easy to say, go to a cybercafe. But CC's are just blasting away with gamers. It's not easy to do your work or to download relevant materials there as well.
Anyways, where was I? I guess it will take a few more months before I can afford to install Streamyx in the house. Till then, I'll read a book and get left out coz I didn't get to check my mail and read yesterday's news or something.
Bah!
Thursday, October 05, 2006
A hazy dawn
It's a hazy dawn again. Nice:)
Where I live, it's just one straight row of houses facing each other, that's it. My 'taman' is just that: one main road short of a hundred meters and about less than 30 houses. It's a different setting in comparison to the multiple rows of houses lined up like factories, something which you'd see in Subang.
So, the view this morning when I stood in front of my lane, houses to the left, houses to the right, the main road with the sea, in front and dark coudy skies up above. To add a dash to the nostalgia, there was a strong blowing wind. I should upload a picture of it. Maybe tomorrow.
Anyways, my dad asked my mum and I to have a blood and urine test. Don't ask me why. So, this morning, I had a needle up my veins and blood oozing out. It's no biggie, but the sight of it sometimes makes my knees weak. Each time I donate blood, I brace myself for when the steel pierces the skin. After that, it's all ok. Just that initial bit.
And I also discovered a funny comic strip thanks to Albert. Check it out : http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/
Where I live, it's just one straight row of houses facing each other, that's it. My 'taman' is just that: one main road short of a hundred meters and about less than 30 houses. It's a different setting in comparison to the multiple rows of houses lined up like factories, something which you'd see in Subang.
So, the view this morning when I stood in front of my lane, houses to the left, houses to the right, the main road with the sea, in front and dark coudy skies up above. To add a dash to the nostalgia, there was a strong blowing wind. I should upload a picture of it. Maybe tomorrow.
Anyways, my dad asked my mum and I to have a blood and urine test. Don't ask me why. So, this morning, I had a needle up my veins and blood oozing out. It's no biggie, but the sight of it sometimes makes my knees weak. Each time I donate blood, I brace myself for when the steel pierces the skin. After that, it's all ok. Just that initial bit.
And I also discovered a funny comic strip thanks to Albert. Check it out : http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Much at home.
Currently, I'm blogging from Melaka. In between jobs at the moment. I told my new employer that I would like to start work a little late coz I wanted to spend about a week back in Melaka. It hit me that once you start work....that's it...it goes on forever, until you retire, or get too sick to work, or die. If I hit a million-dollar jackpot, it would be something different.
Working to me, is a phase, something like getting married or having kids. There is no turning back once you've crossed the line. I could stop work, if I wanted to, and leech off my family. But that would just be plain ugly. By now, all the working people would probably know that they can't simply take leave and go on a holiday as they like. When I was a student, I had 'long' breaks....like 3 weeks. At least I get over a week holiday. Now, to take a day leave, it's not that easy. So this break here is to spend whatever time I have left with my family. Help my dad around the house. Help mum become driver. Watch sister grow up. Play with the dogs. Feed the fish. Watch tv. Sleep in.
Once I'm back in the work field, I know I do not have all these luxuries. I can't come back to Melaka as and when I like. It would require leave or use up my weekend. It's that phase of life that sooner or later, everyone has to go through. I'm beginning to think that I mihgt not be able to come back so often to visit my parents. This is the cons of working outstation. Maybe some of you are so happy to run away from family:p My parents are not getting younger. And I do worry about their safety at times. What with all the break-ins that are so rampant. And I'm thinking, when I do get married, that will be another responsibility all together. One step at a time.
Back to Melaka. The haze is back....from over the ocean. Sometimes you can't help but 'love' your neighbours, eh? I don't know why, but the smell of haze in the air, does bring back a nostalgic feeling. Call me crazy, but it's one of my 'favorite' smells. The other favorite smell, is the smell of rain in the air. Some might be thinking I'm plain nuts. This morning, I woke up early and managed to get a glimpse of the dark skies above. I live by the beach. So other than sunny and bright, it looks really nice when the sky gets dark. It's always depicted in paintings. And it was hazy as well. When it rained, it was happiness. It felt good to be alive. There are just some things that happen to you, that remind you that it's good to be alive. The smell of the slight haze and rain was enough to bring me back there.
I think as I get older, I tend to look out for those 'little joys' in life. Those 'tiny perks'. Whatever its called.
And now....to fix up my stikfas :) See, I told you I was getting old-er.
Working to me, is a phase, something like getting married or having kids. There is no turning back once you've crossed the line. I could stop work, if I wanted to, and leech off my family. But that would just be plain ugly. By now, all the working people would probably know that they can't simply take leave and go on a holiday as they like. When I was a student, I had 'long' breaks....like 3 weeks. At least I get over a week holiday. Now, to take a day leave, it's not that easy. So this break here is to spend whatever time I have left with my family. Help my dad around the house. Help mum become driver. Watch sister grow up. Play with the dogs. Feed the fish. Watch tv. Sleep in.
Once I'm back in the work field, I know I do not have all these luxuries. I can't come back to Melaka as and when I like. It would require leave or use up my weekend. It's that phase of life that sooner or later, everyone has to go through. I'm beginning to think that I mihgt not be able to come back so often to visit my parents. This is the cons of working outstation. Maybe some of you are so happy to run away from family:p My parents are not getting younger. And I do worry about their safety at times. What with all the break-ins that are so rampant. And I'm thinking, when I do get married, that will be another responsibility all together. One step at a time.
Back to Melaka. The haze is back....from over the ocean. Sometimes you can't help but 'love' your neighbours, eh? I don't know why, but the smell of haze in the air, does bring back a nostalgic feeling. Call me crazy, but it's one of my 'favorite' smells. The other favorite smell, is the smell of rain in the air. Some might be thinking I'm plain nuts. This morning, I woke up early and managed to get a glimpse of the dark skies above. I live by the beach. So other than sunny and bright, it looks really nice when the sky gets dark. It's always depicted in paintings. And it was hazy as well. When it rained, it was happiness. It felt good to be alive. There are just some things that happen to you, that remind you that it's good to be alive. The smell of the slight haze and rain was enough to bring me back there.
I think as I get older, I tend to look out for those 'little joys' in life. Those 'tiny perks'. Whatever its called.
And now....to fix up my stikfas :) See, I told you I was getting old-er.
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