*free*
That's what I feel for the moment. It's been a grueling 2 weeks of doing nothing but intensive studying...and a couple of rounds of Dota. It's been long nights of feeding my brain with facts and fancy formulas, which most definitely will be forgotten once the exams end.
As I'm typing this, the MMU finals examination is still going on. However, my exams are over. What I thought would be a an unfortunate event actually turned out to be something better than expected, though I'm not so sure it's a blessing. I had to cram in 3 papers in 4 days and 2 of those papers happen to be Telecommunication subjects. During the study week, I got that sense of dread; so much to study and so little time; so many facts, which one will be tested. Thinking to myself, I thought I wasn't going to make it. I've had more failures than I ever want to remember and I'm familiar with walking out of an exam not knowing if I would pass.
The thought on my mind as I was studying was : I don't want to have to extend my years in MMU. If I fail a paper, I might have to stay a few more semesters just to make it thru. It made me pray. I really didn't know what to expect. Unlike my friends from other majors, they had a lot of time to study. Mine was half of that time. I told God that I couldn't make it thru this time, especially if I did it myself. I needed a mircale.
And a miracle did come! Whatever I studied came out....almost:) It wasn't so much of scoring an A, but more of making thru the paper. If I get good grades, that's a bonus. So, I thank God that He made it possible for me to go through this.
I have about 8 months to go before I graduate. The finish line is within sight. But this whole semester has been one of discouragement. I was so close to giving up a couple of times. So close, yet so far. But the main hurdles have been done with. I'm looking forward to Industrial Traning. I wonder what it would be liek to get a taste of the working world. More than that, I'm looking forward to a semester without exams:)
I'm back in Melaka now. Taking a break from everything else, while some of my peers are still facing exams. All the best to you! Will be back in Cyberjaya soon to settle some things.
Somehow, I am losing touch with blogging. Lacking the feel. Mental block.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Monday, September 19, 2005
Knil Amy @ Peace Day
Yesterday, Knil Army had a gig at Berjaya Times Square for a world peace event called Peace Day. I didn't know what this event was all about, other than promoting peace to this fallen world. I didn't know who else were playing or what was gonna happen. I was jsut excited that I got to play at a gig.
When I reached the concourse, I saw the audience...kids??!! not exactly kids, but more of young teenagers...mostly girls and some boys...and their parents who were keeping careful watch from the back.
After awhile, I realised these kids were not interested in the other bands that were going up to perform (us included), but they were waiting ...the whole day....for this Taiwanese boy-band called 5566. Till they got a glimpse of the boy-band, they were just looking, tired, dead, and lifeless. The band before us were screaming their hearts out...but the audience were unmoved.
When our turn came, we just went up and we knew from the start that this wasn't goign to be about people listening to us. We didn't care. We prayed. If God inspired for these songs written by Jack to come about, we prayeed that it would somehow touch people, eventhough they were wordless songs. We went up, set up our stuff and were ready to rock the show...except we didn't have rockers for fans.
Jack addressed the audience...and was greeted by hardly a response. It was ok. We played our first song, All-Asian Tragedy, a tribute to those that died during the tsunami end of last year and the victims of Hurricane Kathrina which happened recently. No response. We moved on to Shine, a song with a Chinese feel to it. Still no response. I pity the crowd. Coz they look so bored, while we were having the time of our life on stage! Then we played, A Toast For Our Tomorrow. Jack dedicated this song to all the young people out there. The reason behind this song was to celebrate young people who are so full of potential, who are capable of making history and making changes. When we played our final song, Guidance, that was when I messed up:P Made a couple of blunders, but I bet the crowd coudn't tell a thing. (Jack, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I messed the song up:( ) That was the craziest song in our line. I enjoyed it.
After all was over, the crowd was waving posters and banners of 5566 at us. But I don't regret playing.
To me, this was an opportunity to display our music. We weren't discouraged. We just wanted to play music. Good music. Though our songs didn't have words, I still feel moved each time I hear it. Some songs are just better without words. Sometimes, words just get in the way.
I am thankful to our friends who came all the way to support us. Though they were the minority...urm, i think about ( >0.5% ) of the entire crowd, they were cheering us on. I'm so so thankful for you guys being there:) One of them came all the way, only to miss the whole show, because of timing. But I still apprciate that, bro!
The camera gal was taking the pic:P
To Knil Army : Keep making good music! God bless us all!
When I reached the concourse, I saw the audience...kids??!! not exactly kids, but more of young teenagers...mostly girls and some boys...and their parents who were keeping careful watch from the back.
After awhile, I realised these kids were not interested in the other bands that were going up to perform (us included), but they were waiting ...the whole day....for this Taiwanese boy-band called 5566. Till they got a glimpse of the boy-band, they were just looking, tired, dead, and lifeless. The band before us were screaming their hearts out...but the audience were unmoved.
When our turn came, we just went up and we knew from the start that this wasn't goign to be about people listening to us. We didn't care. We prayed. If God inspired for these songs written by Jack to come about, we prayeed that it would somehow touch people, eventhough they were wordless songs. We went up, set up our stuff and were ready to rock the show...except we didn't have rockers for fans.
Jack addressed the audience...and was greeted by hardly a response. It was ok. We played our first song, All-Asian Tragedy, a tribute to those that died during the tsunami end of last year and the victims of Hurricane Kathrina which happened recently. No response. We moved on to Shine, a song with a Chinese feel to it. Still no response. I pity the crowd. Coz they look so bored, while we were having the time of our life on stage! Then we played, A Toast For Our Tomorrow. Jack dedicated this song to all the young people out there. The reason behind this song was to celebrate young people who are so full of potential, who are capable of making history and making changes. When we played our final song, Guidance, that was when I messed up:P Made a couple of blunders, but I bet the crowd coudn't tell a thing. (Jack, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I messed the song up:( ) That was the craziest song in our line. I enjoyed it.
After all was over, the crowd was waving posters and banners of 5566 at us. But I don't regret playing.
To me, this was an opportunity to display our music. We weren't discouraged. We just wanted to play music. Good music. Though our songs didn't have words, I still feel moved each time I hear it. Some songs are just better without words. Sometimes, words just get in the way.
I am thankful to our friends who came all the way to support us. Though they were the minority...urm, i think about ( >0.5% ) of the entire crowd, they were cheering us on. I'm so so thankful for you guys being there:) One of them came all the way, only to miss the whole show, because of timing. But I still apprciate that, bro!
The camera gal was taking the pic:P
To Knil Army : Keep making good music! God bless us all!
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Ecclesiastes 7
Current spiritual digest, from the Message.
Ecclesiastes 7
1A good reputation is better than a fat bank account. Your death date tells more than your birth date.
2You learn more at a funeral than at a feast--
After all, that's where we'll end up. We might discover
something from it.
3Crying is better than laughing.
It blotches the face but it scours the heart.
4Sages invest themselves in hurt and grieving.
Fools waste their lives in fun and games.
5You'll get more from the rebuke of a sage
Than from the song and dance of fools.
6The giggles of fools are like the crackling of twigs
Under the cooking pot. And like smoke.
7Brutality stupefies even the wise
And destroys the strongest heart.
8Endings are better than beginnings.
Sticking to it is better than standing out.
9Don't be quick to fly off the handle.
Anger boomerangs. You can spot a fool by the lumps on his head.
10Don't always be asking, "Where are the good old days?"
Wise folks don't ask questions like that.
11Wisdom is better when it's paired with money,
Especially if you get both while you're still living.
12Double protection: wisdom and wealth!
Plus this bonus: Wisdom energizes its owner.
13Take a good look at God's work.
Who could simplify and reduce Creation's curves and angles
To a plain straight line?
14On a good day, enjoy yourself;
On a bad day, examine your conscience.
God arranges for both kinds of days
So that we won't take anything for granted.
15I've seen it all in my brief and pointless life--here a good person cut down in the middle of doing good, there a bad person living a long life of sheer evil. 16So don't knock yourself out being good, and don't go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won't get anything out of it. 17But don't press your luck by being bad, either. And don't be reckless. Why die needlessly?
18It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.
19Wisdom puts more strength in one wise person
Than ten strong men give to a city.
20There's not one totally good person on earth,
Not one who is truly pure and sinless.
21Don't eavesdrop on the conversation of others.
What if the gossip's about you and you'd rather not hear it?
22You've done that a few times, haven't you--said things
Behind someone's back you wouldn't say to his face?
1A good reputation is better than a fat bank account. Your death date tells more than your birth date.
2You learn more at a funeral than at a feast--
After all, that's where we'll end up. We might discover
something from it.
3Crying is better than laughing.
It blotches the face but it scours the heart.
4Sages invest themselves in hurt and grieving.
Fools waste their lives in fun and games.
5You'll get more from the rebuke of a sage
Than from the song and dance of fools.
6The giggles of fools are like the crackling of twigs
Under the cooking pot. And like smoke.
7Brutality stupefies even the wise
And destroys the strongest heart.
8Endings are better than beginnings.
Sticking to it is better than standing out.
9Don't be quick to fly off the handle.
Anger boomerangs. You can spot a fool by the lumps on his head.
10Don't always be asking, "Where are the good old days?"
Wise folks don't ask questions like that.
11Wisdom is better when it's paired with money,
Especially if you get both while you're still living.
12Double protection: wisdom and wealth!
Plus this bonus: Wisdom energizes its owner.
13Take a good look at God's work.
Who could simplify and reduce Creation's curves and angles
To a plain straight line?
14On a good day, enjoy yourself;
On a bad day, examine your conscience.
God arranges for both kinds of days
So that we won't take anything for granted.
15I've seen it all in my brief and pointless life--here a good person cut down in the middle of doing good, there a bad person living a long life of sheer evil. 16So don't knock yourself out being good, and don't go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won't get anything out of it. 17But don't press your luck by being bad, either. And don't be reckless. Why die needlessly?
18It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.
19Wisdom puts more strength in one wise person
Than ten strong men give to a city.
20There's not one totally good person on earth,
Not one who is truly pure and sinless.
21Don't eavesdrop on the conversation of others.
What if the gossip's about you and you'd rather not hear it?
22You've done that a few times, haven't you--said things
Behind someone's back you wouldn't say to his face?
23I tested everything in my search for wisdom. I set out to be wise, but it was beyond me, 24far beyond me, and deep--oh so deep! Does anyone ever find it? 25I concentrated with all my might, studying and exploring and seeking wisdom--the meaning of life. I also wanted to identify evil and stupidity, foolishness and craziness.
26One discovery: A woman can be a bitter pill to swallow, full of seductive scheming and grasping. The lucky escape her; the undiscerning get caught. 27At least this is my experience--what I, the Quester, have pieced together as I've tried to make sense of life. 28But the wisdom I've looked for I haven't found. I didn't find one man or woman in a thousand worth my while. 29Yet I did spot one ray of light in this murk: God made men and women true and upright; we're the ones who've made a mess of things.
26One discovery: A woman can be a bitter pill to swallow, full of seductive scheming and grasping. The lucky escape her; the undiscerning get caught. 27At least this is my experience--what I, the Quester, have pieced together as I've tried to make sense of life. 28But the wisdom I've looked for I haven't found. I didn't find one man or woman in a thousand worth my while. 29Yet I did spot one ray of light in this murk: God made men and women true and upright; we're the ones who've made a mess of things.
I guess the author pretty much summarizes what's going on with my life rite now. Still absorbing its truth. Makes me wonder if man several thousands of years ago actually went through what I am going through now. Wow!
Just a prayer away
Dear Lord,
As I lie down to sleep tonight
Do something within my heart
So that when I wake tomorrow to go to church
I know I can face the day
I know I can carry through one more day
Because You live
Because You hold what's taking place in my life in Your own hands
As I wake tomorrow
Give me a renewed understanding of the phrase
"Your mercies are new every morning"
Lift up my spirit and give me joy
Joy that the world can't take away
Give me a fresh knowledge of who You are
So that when I strap on my guitar to worship You
On that stage with everyone else
I know who it is I am giving my worship and praise to
And I can really offer up my heart and life
In worship once again
I know sometimes I fake everything I do
Just to please others
I'm tired of it Lord
I need motivation to live life to the fullest again
It's so hard to see the big picture sometimes
I know this life is not just about me
And there are times I struggle to walk this way
Giving up is so easy
Letting go is so tempting
But deep inside I know there has got to be more to life than just me
There has got to be more than the things that's raging inside
Sometimes I don't understand Lord
Sometimes I wish my heart was transparent for everyone to see
Sometimes I wish I even know what's happening between those burst of emotions
I can't make anything out of it
Teach me sweet surender once again
To take each step slowly knowing for every step I'm making
You are already there
Though others may not understand
You know it already
To not fear tomorrow
For You hold that too
As I sleep tonight
Lord, I want You to know that I still love You
Amen
As I lie down to sleep tonight
Do something within my heart
So that when I wake tomorrow to go to church
I know I can face the day
I know I can carry through one more day
Because You live
Because You hold what's taking place in my life in Your own hands
As I wake tomorrow
Give me a renewed understanding of the phrase
"Your mercies are new every morning"
Lift up my spirit and give me joy
Joy that the world can't take away
Give me a fresh knowledge of who You are
So that when I strap on my guitar to worship You
On that stage with everyone else
I know who it is I am giving my worship and praise to
And I can really offer up my heart and life
In worship once again
I know sometimes I fake everything I do
Just to please others
I'm tired of it Lord
I need motivation to live life to the fullest again
It's so hard to see the big picture sometimes
I know this life is not just about me
And there are times I struggle to walk this way
Giving up is so easy
Letting go is so tempting
But deep inside I know there has got to be more to life than just me
There has got to be more than the things that's raging inside
Sometimes I don't understand Lord
Sometimes I wish my heart was transparent for everyone to see
Sometimes I wish I even know what's happening between those burst of emotions
I can't make anything out of it
Teach me sweet surender once again
To take each step slowly knowing for every step I'm making
You are already there
Though others may not understand
You know it already
To not fear tomorrow
For You hold that too
As I sleep tonight
Lord, I want You to know that I still love You
Amen
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Cries
The sky is cloudy and it's about to rain
My emotions are stirred
Oh no, I'm at it again
I can't help myself
I'm trying to get a grip
But I'm losing it
How is it the thing I used to despise
That I have become
Is it a disease?
Searching for a hope
I know I have
But I need to believe
It's easy to point a finger and be the crowd
But when you are the minority, you wish that you had a helpful hand
I've been labelled
Can I get out of this?
Others can see hope
But I see a black spot
I need a miracle, Lord!
I need to see life the way You created it to be
My emotions are stirred
Oh no, I'm at it again
I can't help myself
I'm trying to get a grip
But I'm losing it
How is it the thing I used to despise
That I have become
Is it a disease?
Searching for a hope
I know I have
But I need to believe
It's easy to point a finger and be the crowd
But when you are the minority, you wish that you had a helpful hand
I've been labelled
Can I get out of this?
Others can see hope
But I see a black spot
I need a miracle, Lord!
I need to see life the way You created it to be
Peace Day
KniL Army will be playing at Berjaya Times Square this coming Sunday (18/9/2005) for an event called Peace Day around 5-8pm. Interested, just come alrite:)
Friday, September 16, 2005
Is My Life In University A Joke?
It's 3.50 in the morning. I should be sleeping, but I'm not. It's been such a stressful week. It's all over now: The FYP presentation, the EMI assignment and presentation and the Antenna assignment. All in a week's span. I'm taking a breather for a bit. Next week is study week. Then Finals. Time just flies. And here I am, doing nothing. Ok, maybe I'm thinking. These are precious moments before I immerse myself into my studies in preparation for the Finals.
My current thought : Is my whole University life a joke?
I'm on the path to be a qualified engineer. But a part of me feels that I won't become an engineer once I start working. I'll probably do something else. I have no direction. But I cannot see myself as a technical type of engineering person.
All my life I wanted to be a doctor like my father, except I had this irrational fear of dead bodies, or more of cutting up dead bodies. I didn't want to go to a private medical school. I didn't want my dad to blow a fortune on my education. He would have spent it on me, but I felt it wasn't right. I was aiming for the public universities. And most public medical faculty requires the cutting of the cadavers. I cringe at the thought. I imagine them to 'wake' from the dead while I cut them. It's stupid, but everyone has their little fearful secret. I could see myself as a doctor, but I could hardly see myself on the path there.
I took my 2nd option. To be an engineer. I had a raft idea of what an engineer was. Now as I'm about to graduate, I realised that engineering is a versatile profession. The scope is so wide and the 'engineer' term is coined so loosely nowadays. As long as you can construct or a specialsit in a certain technical field....you're an engineer...even if you don't have a paper qualification for it.
As my graduation edges nearer, I barely understand my role. Even more, I barely understand the subjects I'm learning. I do study and put in effort, but my returns are small. And it makes me wonder if I'm cut for this line of work. Most of the things I have learnt in the past 4 years are lost within the recesses of my mind. I know I did study some engineering 'stuff', but all was quickly forgotten after I 'vomitted' what I needed to fulfill the answer papers during my exams. Now, i can't remember anything much. It's mainly for exam purposes. What kind of an engineer am I? Since my traumatic experience of Add. Maths. in school, I still panic whenever I see an integration sign followed by one or more trigonometric function. I've never been a pro at maths though I fancy the idea of toying with more than just mumbers, but rather, concepts.
I feel at a lost because I have spent close to 5 years in university and about 80k for my overall education. What have I achieved? Besides a piece of paper as qualification, I feel that I have wasted it. I should at least know what in the world am I studying. But I still get that 'lost' feeling. It makes me feel stupid. Like, what have I been doing all these years here in Uni? Feels like graduating from music school and still not know how to read notes or play a single instrument.
I feel wasted. I could have studied something else or at least invested that 80k on something else more worthwhile. I feel like I've conned myself. More of a personal thing.
All I know God led me here. I never expected to come to MMU. But here I am. I have no idea what's gonna happen next. Hopefully my industrial training will shed some light......
My current thought : Is my whole University life a joke?
I'm on the path to be a qualified engineer. But a part of me feels that I won't become an engineer once I start working. I'll probably do something else. I have no direction. But I cannot see myself as a technical type of engineering person.
All my life I wanted to be a doctor like my father, except I had this irrational fear of dead bodies, or more of cutting up dead bodies. I didn't want to go to a private medical school. I didn't want my dad to blow a fortune on my education. He would have spent it on me, but I felt it wasn't right. I was aiming for the public universities. And most public medical faculty requires the cutting of the cadavers. I cringe at the thought. I imagine them to 'wake' from the dead while I cut them. It's stupid, but everyone has their little fearful secret. I could see myself as a doctor, but I could hardly see myself on the path there.
I took my 2nd option. To be an engineer. I had a raft idea of what an engineer was. Now as I'm about to graduate, I realised that engineering is a versatile profession. The scope is so wide and the 'engineer' term is coined so loosely nowadays. As long as you can construct or a specialsit in a certain technical field....you're an engineer...even if you don't have a paper qualification for it.
As my graduation edges nearer, I barely understand my role. Even more, I barely understand the subjects I'm learning. I do study and put in effort, but my returns are small. And it makes me wonder if I'm cut for this line of work. Most of the things I have learnt in the past 4 years are lost within the recesses of my mind. I know I did study some engineering 'stuff', but all was quickly forgotten after I 'vomitted' what I needed to fulfill the answer papers during my exams. Now, i can't remember anything much. It's mainly for exam purposes. What kind of an engineer am I? Since my traumatic experience of Add. Maths. in school, I still panic whenever I see an integration sign followed by one or more trigonometric function. I've never been a pro at maths though I fancy the idea of toying with more than just mumbers, but rather, concepts.
I feel at a lost because I have spent close to 5 years in university and about 80k for my overall education. What have I achieved? Besides a piece of paper as qualification, I feel that I have wasted it. I should at least know what in the world am I studying. But I still get that 'lost' feeling. It makes me feel stupid. Like, what have I been doing all these years here in Uni? Feels like graduating from music school and still not know how to read notes or play a single instrument.
I feel wasted. I could have studied something else or at least invested that 80k on something else more worthwhile. I feel like I've conned myself. More of a personal thing.
All I know God led me here. I never expected to come to MMU. But here I am. I have no idea what's gonna happen next. Hopefully my industrial training will shed some light......
Sunday, September 11, 2005
September 11
Today, 4 years ago, many innocent people died in the crumbling of the World Trade Center.
As I reflect, I think to myself :
I am where I am now beacuse of the many who died years ago to make history happen. If I don't live my life for this moment, I might be causing the generation after me to miss out some of the opportunities I will never have.
As I reflect, I think to myself :
I am where I am now beacuse of the many who died years ago to make history happen. If I don't live my life for this moment, I might be causing the generation after me to miss out some of the opportunities I will never have.
Friday, September 09, 2005
fly me by
These are times when time flies by so fast, you actually wonder what hit you.
In that state of loss.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Wake me up when September ends
This is the month of September. Many people are are asking to be woken up when September ends. I'm feeling it myself. September is looming with 1 major presentation for my FYP and 3 assignments due for my other subjects. I feel the stress, I feel the pressure. To make it a harder blow, the final exams will be about 12 days after the last assignment is handed up. Not much time to study to be exact.
To top up the 'colorful' month of September, I've been to 2 funerals within 1 week. Last Wednesday, when the whole nation was celebrating Independance Day, I took a drive down to Melaka with some friends to attend my classmate's grandmother's funeral. I couldn't offer much, but all I could do was let him know we were there for him. As I'm typing this, I just returned from my ex-CG leader's dad's funeral. It was quite shocking news when I heard her dad has left this world because everything happened so fast. I went again, with nothing much to offer except the knowledge that we were there to support her. This week itself I've heard more than 5 stories about people dying...and these people are mainly young people my age. That makes it harder to swallow:(
Life is short, compared to eternity. Sometimes, life seems meaningless. Everyone wants to find significance in this life. Everyone wants to find meaning, a reason to carry on living. Many are looking for answers to help them thru the cold months of September. Most if the time, I'd rather be 'sleeping'.
To me, reason is like the runway... faith is like the aeroplane which picks up speed and momentum as it moves along reason..until a point where it takes flight...u can't take off without runway, but the runway won't take us to London either! ~ The Hedonese ~
To top up the 'colorful' month of September, I've been to 2 funerals within 1 week. Last Wednesday, when the whole nation was celebrating Independance Day, I took a drive down to Melaka with some friends to attend my classmate's grandmother's funeral. I couldn't offer much, but all I could do was let him know we were there for him. As I'm typing this, I just returned from my ex-CG leader's dad's funeral. It was quite shocking news when I heard her dad has left this world because everything happened so fast. I went again, with nothing much to offer except the knowledge that we were there to support her. This week itself I've heard more than 5 stories about people dying...and these people are mainly young people my age. That makes it harder to swallow:(
Life is short, compared to eternity. Sometimes, life seems meaningless. Everyone wants to find significance in this life. Everyone wants to find meaning, a reason to carry on living. Many are looking for answers to help them thru the cold months of September. Most if the time, I'd rather be 'sleeping'.
To me, reason is like the runway... faith is like the aeroplane which picks up speed and momentum as it moves along reason..until a point where it takes flight...u can't take off without runway, but the runway won't take us to London either! ~ The Hedonese ~
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Psalms 139
Current thoughts...taken from The Message
PSAMS 139
GOD, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
then up ahead and you’re there, too –
Your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful –
I cant take it all in!
Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
GOD, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
then up ahead and you’re there, too –
Your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful –
I cant take it all in!
Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of you sight?If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute –
you’re already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
Night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God – you’re breathtaking!
body and soul, I am marvelously made
I worship in adoration – what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.
You thoughts – how rare, how beautiful!
God, I’ll never comprehend them!
I couldn’t even begin to count them –
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers – out of here! –
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, GOD,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!
Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I’m about,
See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong –
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute –
you’re already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
Night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God – you’re breathtaking!
body and soul, I am marvelously made
I worship in adoration – what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.
You thoughts – how rare, how beautiful!
God, I’ll never comprehend them!
I couldn’t even begin to count them –
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers – out of here! –
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, GOD,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!
Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I’m about,
See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong –
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
At this point in my life, I'm feeling so insecure, troubled and burden. And even as I type my deepest thoughts about my struggles here, I wonder if I am being judged.
Seeking for my self-worth again. I forget.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
The need to think *jolted*
At a time like this, I'm wondering why am I here again. The question of existance has been playing in my head like a broken record. Am I doubting? Not exactly. But more of questioning. I don't understand. I'm so used to accepting things and ways just as they are. I've never questioned much. Why? Maybe I wanted to spare myself from the trouble of finding answers. Maybe I might never find the asnwers I want and have to live the rest of my life with a nagging unanswered question. All these 'maybe's has taken a tol on me now. I accept things to easily. I get conned to often. This simplicity has helped on living an easy life thus far. But it's reached this phase where that simplicity has to fall off.
One sign of it, honestly, is when I look at my blog. It's full of crap that I'm ashamed of. Nothing worth reading to be honest. Just ramblings of all kinds. I think twice about posting anything up now, coz my recent entry has been things that even I don't bother reading twice.
That's beside the point. In my comfort (more of 'con'-fort) zone of thinking I know what I needed to know, I was forced to get out of it. There is a wave moving. And one day it hit me. It took me off guard. I realised I knew so little. I realised I didn't have enough. I just couldn't sit down and let it pas by. I just couldn't be in that safety zone of knowing only what I needed to know. In a way, I was forced out of that simplistic state. I was in the midst of thinkers. And I wasn't keeping up.
So here I am. Wondering...questioning... It's time that I not be so naive. Just a few months ago, I was so boldly saying what I felt about my faith and how I based it on. Now I have to swallow my words and go deeper. There is more to my belief and faith than what I thought.
My protective bubble has burst. I got to humbly go this way for awhile. Seeking. Suddenly I'm not so sure anymore.
I still have my faith. But I'm seeking for other answers that I should have sought a long time ago. Eventhough I may not like what I'm going through now, but I have to go through it. Everybody has to go through this phase at least once in their life. Maybe my time is now.
Feels like swallowing the bitter pill. Some good friends really said somethings that were horrible but were in actual fact, truth that I needed to hear. It sucks.
Don't be surprised if I start thinking aloud in my blog. I haven't lost my faith. I'm just seeking more.
God, where are You in all these? I don't understand.
One sign of it, honestly, is when I look at my blog. It's full of crap that I'm ashamed of. Nothing worth reading to be honest. Just ramblings of all kinds. I think twice about posting anything up now, coz my recent entry has been things that even I don't bother reading twice.
That's beside the point. In my comfort (more of 'con'-fort) zone of thinking I know what I needed to know, I was forced to get out of it. There is a wave moving. And one day it hit me. It took me off guard. I realised I knew so little. I realised I didn't have enough. I just couldn't sit down and let it pas by. I just couldn't be in that safety zone of knowing only what I needed to know. In a way, I was forced out of that simplistic state. I was in the midst of thinkers. And I wasn't keeping up.
So here I am. Wondering...questioning... It's time that I not be so naive. Just a few months ago, I was so boldly saying what I felt about my faith and how I based it on. Now I have to swallow my words and go deeper. There is more to my belief and faith than what I thought.
My protective bubble has burst. I got to humbly go this way for awhile. Seeking. Suddenly I'm not so sure anymore.
I still have my faith. But I'm seeking for other answers that I should have sought a long time ago. Eventhough I may not like what I'm going through now, but I have to go through it. Everybody has to go through this phase at least once in their life. Maybe my time is now.
Feels like swallowing the bitter pill. Some good friends really said somethings that were horrible but were in actual fact, truth that I needed to hear. It sucks.
Don't be surprised if I start thinking aloud in my blog. I haven't lost my faith. I'm just seeking more.
God, where are You in all these? I don't understand.
Friday, August 26, 2005
...
Finding my existance again
This cloud of insecurity wrap so tight
I can't breathe
I can't see
I need to find meaning
I need to find the significance
Of this life I'm living
Am I living?
Or
Am I leaving?
I'm no different from you, you and you
But I try so hard to be
Only to find my struggles are the same
My weakness similar
Weary of being who I'm not supposed to be
Strike me down....
This cloud of insecurity wrap so tight
I can't breathe
I can't see
I need to find meaning
I need to find the significance
Of this life I'm living
Am I living?
Or
Am I leaving?
I'm no different from you, you and you
But I try so hard to be
Only to find my struggles are the same
My weakness similar
Weary of being who I'm not supposed to be
Strike me down....
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
What I got...
This year's birthday celebration has been a pretty quiet one. Must be due to the haze. Chased all my buddies away. Wish I could have gone out with all my close friends and at least celebrate over a 'happy' meal.
Anyways, here's some birthday shouts!
Happy Birthday Jia Wern, Desmond & Alicia !!!
I feel my birthday is so much more special & memorable coz I share it with the 3 of you!
On the other hand, 3 extra presents to buy:P . Hehe.
Anyways, God bless you all abundantly this coming year:D
Also on the same note, Happy Birthday Jacintha!! ( note the color blue ).
Though your birthday is 2 days away, you'll always be treated as an August kid like the rest of us:P Great having to celebrate with you.
On the other hand, I got myself a birthday gift. A sad story of buying a present to give to myself. But whatever, as long as I get to pamper myself a 'lil on this special day.
Meet the new addition
Looks familiar? This little guy is way smaller. See for yourself.
However, I don't have a name for it yet. What the heck? I don't even have a name for the big one. I suck at giving names to my pets. Feels gay. Don't ask me why.
Anyways, here's some birthday shouts!
Happy Birthday Jia Wern, Desmond & Alicia !!!
I feel my birthday is so much more special & memorable coz I share it with the 3 of you!
On the other hand, 3 extra presents to buy:P . Hehe.
Anyways, God bless you all abundantly this coming year:D
Also on the same note, Happy Birthday Jacintha!! ( note the color blue ).
Though your birthday is 2 days away, you'll always be treated as an August kid like the rest of us:P Great having to celebrate with you.
On the other hand, I got myself a birthday gift. A sad story of buying a present to give to myself. But whatever, as long as I get to pamper myself a 'lil on this special day.
Meet the new addition
Looks familiar? This little guy is way smaller. See for yourself.
However, I don't have a name for it yet. What the heck? I don't even have a name for the big one. I suck at giving names to my pets. Feels gay. Don't ask me why.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
What happens on birthdays
I've been one to eat almost anything that is considered 'food substance'. I've tasted most things without much of a hassle. I shrug off what people whine as 'gross'. Of course, I don't eat shit, literally. But what I consume out of the blue is usually 'shit' for the 'weak-hearted'.
Well, I have finally found something 'food' but with the qualities of 'shit' that has really left me blinking. The usual birthday ceremony will include either a trashing of such proportion that your clothes stink for days, or in my case, I HAD to eat some crappy concoction of harmless food, that when combined together, produces a develish delicacy only for the unfortunate birthday kid-A once in a lifetime experience. In my case, that bloody thing was shoved into my mouth by tremendous force (think Chee Yong).
The speciality presented to me was 2 pieces of delicious Chipsmore Chocolate Chip Cookies (one of my favourite, after, Famous Amos and Tesco's) with a thick (when I say thick, I mean like 1cm thick) layer of green, juicy Wasabi paste. From the moment I set eyes on it, It spelled DOOM right smack in the middle of the harmless Chipsmore Cookies.. Although I eat almost anything that is edible, I've learnt to respect the the simple Wasabi paste. Something so 'green' should never be taken lightly, or uncharacteristically. Whenever I hear the phrase, "Green with envy"....*pop*....Wasabi green.
Well, before I could say "MAMA', *poof* it disappeared into my mouth. All I could remember next was the usual 'shooting-up-your-nose' pain. Tears started forming with a touch of nausea. I chewed as best I could to grind that unholy crap in my mouth to bits so that I could at least let my stomach deal with it. But no matter how hard I tried, the 'goo-ier' it became, till it was just slosh swimming in my mouth. My 'fans' were cheering me on with taunts like : "Be a Man" & "Do the Right thing". At that point, the right thing was to just puke all over them. Serve them all.
For one, goo in your mouth is not a good sign. Number 2, 'up-your-nose' kinda pain, just makes you want to rip your head off. Number 3, with tears blocking your vision, you can't really aim who you wanna puke on. Number 4, with all of these going on at the same time, and the fact is no matter how hard I try to swallow that evil slosh, I just need to get it out of my system.
So there, I let my horrible fans down. I puked it all out. I tried. I seriously did. Heart, Soul, Mind & Body..Spirit also. It just won't go down. Each time I tried, nausea hits me right there.
I've learnt a new-found respect for wasabi, and I bow down to those who just gobble up that greenish crap with ease. ( It goes for the sick people who use their nose instead).
What a birthday *sigh*
view at own risk
Well, I have finally found something 'food' but with the qualities of 'shit' that has really left me blinking. The usual birthday ceremony will include either a trashing of such proportion that your clothes stink for days, or in my case, I HAD to eat some crappy concoction of harmless food, that when combined together, produces a develish delicacy only for the unfortunate birthday kid-A once in a lifetime experience. In my case, that bloody thing was shoved into my mouth by tremendous force (think Chee Yong).
The speciality presented to me was 2 pieces of delicious Chipsmore Chocolate Chip Cookies (one of my favourite, after, Famous Amos and Tesco's) with a thick (when I say thick, I mean like 1cm thick) layer of green, juicy Wasabi paste. From the moment I set eyes on it, It spelled DOOM right smack in the middle of the harmless Chipsmore Cookies.. Although I eat almost anything that is edible, I've learnt to respect the the simple Wasabi paste. Something so 'green' should never be taken lightly, or uncharacteristically. Whenever I hear the phrase, "Green with envy"....*pop*....Wasabi green.
Well, before I could say "MAMA', *poof* it disappeared into my mouth. All I could remember next was the usual 'shooting-up-your-nose' pain. Tears started forming with a touch of nausea. I chewed as best I could to grind that unholy crap in my mouth to bits so that I could at least let my stomach deal with it. But no matter how hard I tried, the 'goo-ier' it became, till it was just slosh swimming in my mouth. My 'fans' were cheering me on with taunts like : "Be a Man" & "Do the Right thing". At that point, the right thing was to just puke all over them. Serve them all.
For one, goo in your mouth is not a good sign. Number 2, 'up-your-nose' kinda pain, just makes you want to rip your head off. Number 3, with tears blocking your vision, you can't really aim who you wanna puke on. Number 4, with all of these going on at the same time, and the fact is no matter how hard I try to swallow that evil slosh, I just need to get it out of my system.
So there, I let my horrible fans down. I puked it all out. I tried. I seriously did. Heart, Soul, Mind & Body..Spirit also. It just won't go down. Each time I tried, nausea hits me right there.
I've learnt a new-found respect for wasabi, and I bow down to those who just gobble up that greenish crap with ease. ( It goes for the sick people who use their nose instead).
What a birthday *sigh*
view at own risk
Friday, August 12, 2005
Born in the....
Happy Birthday to ME!!
22 years on and counting!
Been so blessed. God I'm waiting for more.
God, thank You!
Awesome!
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Singapore
I'm back...from Singapore that is:p My trip in one word : Awesome! I admit that I'm in that danger zone of falling love with Singapore. hehe.
The last time I was in that tiny country was 12 years ago. And it has developed so much. Sadly to say, I think it's more developed than Malaysia. But I still love Malaysia. Why? I'm still wondering. Anyways, I really like the landscape. It's literally green....almost everywhere. And there are lots of trees everywhere too. trees, grass, anything green. it's all there. When I see Singapore, I think 'system-ed' and 'organized'. It's so well planned. Sometimes, I wish Malaysia was like that. Not the 'kiasu' part of it, but rather how things are so well runned. Honestly, I haven't been exposed to the 'kiasu-ness' of the Singapore culture. So I shall not comment on that. But what I did see, I liked it. Though Singapore is governed by many rules and regulations, and not to forget the numerous fines that they keep issuing out for all the minute stuff, it has really caused the country to be where it is now.
For a 3 day visit, and as 'friggin' tourists' , we managed to cover a lot of places. We managed to visit the famous Science Center and the Zoo....for free! Thanks to Audrey's aunt and her contacts, we got off from paying a hefty sum to visit those places. The sucky thing was that it rained so heavily while we were at the zoo. We slushed around in the rain from animal enclosure to another. What really amazed me at the zoo was that Polar Bears are actually the largest land carnivores. They were huge. Like big! And I also saw land tortoises that weigh 300++ kgs. 4 of them! They were so huge, that they are not like the cute tortoise that I'm currently having. They reminded me of the dinosaurs. Their heads were the size of my hand. Go figure how big their bodies were. And also, the dugongs! Mien! Those animals are also huge. I saw a few 'gliding' in the water, and it really freaked me out. They were like 2+ metres long and their body diameter was half the size of a car. All the animals that fascinated me were the HUGE ones.
Other than the animals, I had my first taste of Ben & Jerry's Ice-cream. This ice-cream is an equivalent to Baskin Robin's and Haagen Daz. According to a text-book, Ben & Jerry's can only be found in the USA coz their market is so wide and good that they didn't have to bother exporting it to other countries. So, I always thought that eating, or even seeing Ben & Jerry's would be an eventful thing. So I was surprised that Singapore have their own Ben & Jerry's, and of all places, at the Zoo. It was nice stuff man. *Sweet*.
Though the 1$ singapore dollar is equivalent to RM 2.257, I still found some things cheaper than in Malaysia, even after conversion. I wish I had more time shopping.I sound so 'girl' now. But I really wished I had more time to go get stuff. We were most of the time rushing from one place to another. That explains why we could cover so much in just 3 days. We managed to visit Daiso, a $2 shop that sold everything from food to gardening stuff to kitchen stuff and all the what nots. All for $2 only! And the store was big! Usually in Malaysia, RM 4.99 shops are quite small and very limited. But over there, the shop was like 10 times bigger than the ones we find over here. So I was frantically poring over all the 'goodies'. So typical of me.
I walked the famed roads of Orchard. I visited Holland Village. Both this places remind me of Bintang Walk and Bangsar, respectively. Somehow, the air was cleaner and less polluted. I visited Tan Tock Seng Hospital. What amazes me is that this hospital is supposed to be a public hospital, but the standard is like our private hospitals here. Thers is a Starbucks, 7-Eleven, Kopitiam and alot of other shops that made the ground floor of the hospital look like a shopping mall.
The main objective of me going to Singapore was to go guitar shop hunting. And guitar shop huny we did. I only managed to visit 2 shops : Swee Lee and Davis. There were a lot of other smaller shops that I can't remember their names. But these 2 shops were my destination. Things there seem a lot cheaper. I bought loads of guitar strings coz they were cheap. Bought a few other goodies as well. Guitars there are way cheaper compared to Malaysia. hehe. Thinking of buying a new guitar already:p
Anyways, I regret not eating Mos Burger.
So much I wanted to see. Will go there again...soon..i hope.
The last time I was in that tiny country was 12 years ago. And it has developed so much. Sadly to say, I think it's more developed than Malaysia. But I still love Malaysia. Why? I'm still wondering. Anyways, I really like the landscape. It's literally green....almost everywhere. And there are lots of trees everywhere too. trees, grass, anything green. it's all there. When I see Singapore, I think 'system-ed' and 'organized'. It's so well planned. Sometimes, I wish Malaysia was like that. Not the 'kiasu' part of it, but rather how things are so well runned. Honestly, I haven't been exposed to the 'kiasu-ness' of the Singapore culture. So I shall not comment on that. But what I did see, I liked it. Though Singapore is governed by many rules and regulations, and not to forget the numerous fines that they keep issuing out for all the minute stuff, it has really caused the country to be where it is now.
For a 3 day visit, and as 'friggin' tourists' , we managed to cover a lot of places. We managed to visit the famous Science Center and the Zoo....for free! Thanks to Audrey's aunt and her contacts, we got off from paying a hefty sum to visit those places. The sucky thing was that it rained so heavily while we were at the zoo. We slushed around in the rain from animal enclosure to another. What really amazed me at the zoo was that Polar Bears are actually the largest land carnivores. They were huge. Like big! And I also saw land tortoises that weigh 300++ kgs. 4 of them! They were so huge, that they are not like the cute tortoise that I'm currently having. They reminded me of the dinosaurs. Their heads were the size of my hand. Go figure how big their bodies were. And also, the dugongs! Mien! Those animals are also huge. I saw a few 'gliding' in the water, and it really freaked me out. They were like 2+ metres long and their body diameter was half the size of a car. All the animals that fascinated me were the HUGE ones.
Other than the animals, I had my first taste of Ben & Jerry's Ice-cream. This ice-cream is an equivalent to Baskin Robin's and Haagen Daz. According to a text-book, Ben & Jerry's can only be found in the USA coz their market is so wide and good that they didn't have to bother exporting it to other countries. So, I always thought that eating, or even seeing Ben & Jerry's would be an eventful thing. So I was surprised that Singapore have their own Ben & Jerry's, and of all places, at the Zoo. It was nice stuff man. *Sweet*.
Though the 1$ singapore dollar is equivalent to RM 2.257, I still found some things cheaper than in Malaysia, even after conversion. I wish I had more time shopping.I sound so 'girl' now. But I really wished I had more time to go get stuff. We were most of the time rushing from one place to another. That explains why we could cover so much in just 3 days. We managed to visit Daiso, a $2 shop that sold everything from food to gardening stuff to kitchen stuff and all the what nots. All for $2 only! And the store was big! Usually in Malaysia, RM 4.99 shops are quite small and very limited. But over there, the shop was like 10 times bigger than the ones we find over here. So I was frantically poring over all the 'goodies'. So typical of me.
I walked the famed roads of Orchard. I visited Holland Village. Both this places remind me of Bintang Walk and Bangsar, respectively. Somehow, the air was cleaner and less polluted. I visited Tan Tock Seng Hospital. What amazes me is that this hospital is supposed to be a public hospital, but the standard is like our private hospitals here. Thers is a Starbucks, 7-Eleven, Kopitiam and alot of other shops that made the ground floor of the hospital look like a shopping mall.
The main objective of me going to Singapore was to go guitar shop hunting. And guitar shop huny we did. I only managed to visit 2 shops : Swee Lee and Davis. There were a lot of other smaller shops that I can't remember their names. But these 2 shops were my destination. Things there seem a lot cheaper. I bought loads of guitar strings coz they were cheap. Bought a few other goodies as well. Guitars there are way cheaper compared to Malaysia. hehe. Thinking of buying a new guitar already:p
Anyways, I regret not eating Mos Burger.
So much I wanted to see. Will go there again...soon..i hope.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
break
In exactly 6 hours from now, I'll be on the road leading to Singapore. It's the mid-trimester break, and being back here in Melaka has been refreshing. My family is really a treasure. So far, all is gud. Wish the hols were longer. But, trying to live in the moment.
The last time I was in Singapore, I was 10. That was 12 years ago. I wonder what Singapore is like now. I'll find out soon enough. This is really a 'just-do-it' thing. Didn't plan much. Just gonna be a "friggin' tourist" for the next few days. Will probably be walking the streets of Singapore with a map in hand. Will be stepping back on Malaysian soil by Friday. Main agenda while I'm there: Guitar shop hunting! I've heard news that guitar stuff over there is 'dirt cheap'. How true it is, I'm going to find out.
I'm excited! But am I really? I'm not sure.
Sometimes I feel there's got to be more than what I'm living for. Why do I feel that I'm still missing something? Why do I still feel a void? Sometimes things just get to me and I feel like crumbling inside. Is it just me?
*not thinking*
The last time I was in Singapore, I was 10. That was 12 years ago. I wonder what Singapore is like now. I'll find out soon enough. This is really a 'just-do-it' thing. Didn't plan much. Just gonna be a "friggin' tourist" for the next few days. Will probably be walking the streets of Singapore with a map in hand. Will be stepping back on Malaysian soil by Friday. Main agenda while I'm there: Guitar shop hunting! I've heard news that guitar stuff over there is 'dirt cheap'. How true it is, I'm going to find out.
I'm excited! But am I really? I'm not sure.
Sometimes I feel there's got to be more than what I'm living for. Why do I feel that I'm still missing something? Why do I still feel a void? Sometimes things just get to me and I feel like crumbling inside. Is it just me?
*not thinking*
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