BFV 9667

Today ended my mid-term tests:) 2 subjects this trimester, with 3 mid-term papers. The last 2 papers were yesterday and today. Some moments of freedom at last...but what's the use? I got an assignment due Monday. There goes my 'holiday' :p

Really thankful to God for seeing me through both papers pretty well. Manage to answer more than half...an achievement for me. Today's paper was a maths paper. It was OK i guess. Towards the end, I got a lil rushed and overconfident. And I messed up one tiny section. Realised my mistake only after I went out the hall. Mien!! I wanted to kick my own ass so badly! I was careless...!!! Just when I thought I could get 20 out of 20 for this paper...there it goes!

After CF, had supper then back home. Had a deep online talk with a friend. Unravelled some sensitive issues. Kinda make me wanna just burst out with an argument...but I had to swallow my pride as I heard her out and tried to be open to opinions. I had to look at myself and see the mistakes I make. Lord, teach me to be like You. After that talk...feeling drained and deep in thought...I got a phone call telling me that my car (which I loaned to Mich) couldn't be moved out of the parking lot because some inconsiderate driver had parked their car directly behind mine. So, Mich and Nicky had been waiting for bout an hour for the owner to repark the car before they called me.

I went over...using Rach's car. Took out my hammer and made a nice big hole in the glass window of the driver's side. I relished the sound as glass met metal and within the split second, tiny bits of crystalized liquid flew everywhere. One piece grazed my cheek. It stung, but it excited me. Seeing glass everywhere, i put my hand in the newly made hole, and released the hand brake. I watched it silently as it rolled forward, like a lumbering beatle, out of my car's path...and into the rear of the car in front of it. As the sound of metal against metal reached my ear, i thought to myself....serve it rite.

Haha! those didn't happen. I wish la. No! Just my imagination running wild. Something inside me told to suppres my anger against this inconsiderate doink. I breathed alot to keep myself calm. Left my car there, with a sweet note on the screen of the offending car. We took Rach's car back instead.

So much for loving one another and to forgive...still in the learning process.

team-kill-ed

God says to forgive...but it's just so hard sometimes:P

That's besides the point. My pathetic friend has got me really pi**ed. Sad to say, he's also my future rubber-band member. What to do? If only i had scratched his brand new Ibanez Sound Gear 5-stringed bass guitar when i had the chance *develish grin*. That should teach him a lesson.

The basis for my displeasure is that this punk 'team-killed' me twice. What the crap man! The first time was in a nipple-fight (believe it!). The second was in a birthday bash...which was yesterday.

Sighz. Wait till I get him and show him some 'loving'. Can't wait for his birthday...then he'll wish he was never born, Muahaha!

Anyways, this is just a stress buster. Got a test tonite and tomoro nite as well. back to work.

wrestled the angel, for more than a name

I want to wrestle You and find answers
Answers to questions that I have yet to form
Time is constantly ticking
And my life in this Uni is reaching an end
This battleground would be useless if i have learnt nothing of it
I'm wasting away and I know it
I won't let go of this grip, even if I have a limp to my walk
It would be worth it
For I have wrestled You and sought the divine
Give me strength to not give up
Give me passion to carry on
Give me courage to endure
Give me You that I seek

5 letter 'S' word

'Sorry' doesn't mean anything if it is just a word
'Sorry' achieves nothing is it is without a basis
There are days when 'Sorry' flows freely
There are days it gets scarce

The closer the tie
The deeper the cut
The deeper the bond
The higher the hopes

In a world chasing riches and fame
'Sorry' is but a phase
There are those that see
There are those that don't
For those who see, they fill a need
For those who don't......

see through me

Just back from CF. Had Pastor Joanne from Melaka with us today. She brought a team of punks : Justin, Joash and Soly. Good to see them:) Somehow, I thank God that the relationship between some of the uni students from Cyber and Melaka are pretty good. We did a personality test during the meeting. I had done this test earlier this year, and the results i got was:
>> expected me : SI
>> real me : SI

Both the results were pretty much equal. For those in the blur, there are basically 4 types of personality : D - Dominant, I - Influential, S - Steady, C - Conscientious. For most people, they would have a primary character type personality, followed by a secondary type personality.

Well, this time round, the results i got was :
>> expected me : SI
>> real me : IS

Somehow, I've evolved from an S type person to an I type person. It's a normality that people's personality change from time to time, depending on the situation they are in when they take the test. Someone told me that most probabably the I in me just emerged recently. As the surroundings and situations change, the personality is possible to face corrections as well. So here I am, and I for now:)


Off late, I've been wondering if people have been talking right thru me. It's not that I'm really affected by it, but more of curious as to how translucent I am. Sometimes, I can be in a conversation with them, before they bolt off into another conversation with someone else, while the current conversation with me is halfway through. And I'm left there stunned! It's happened a few times by different people and it leaves me wondering whether is it just me, or the people around me who have a problem. Am I that boring that I dull their already stagnant thoughts and cause them to take flight the first opening of interest comes their way? I really don't know. And the people facing this malfunction are people who are close to me. I just don't get it. Sometimes, you just have to wonder....

blackout

There was a terrible blackout here in Cyberia last nite. So far, it's the first in history of Cyberia...well, maybe for a nite case. Over the years, Cyberia has faced quick power outages, but the restoration was almost immediate. so we never had to feel the pinch of living without electricity. there was one afternoon when the power went out for a couple of hours, but i wasn't affected that much...was out for class. BUt last nite, as i was just chilling, the power went out...and it stayed out for a good few hours. simultaneously, the population of cyberia went into uncontrolled frenzy. some were shouting like monkeys, some were wailing, some were cheering, some were doing dunno what! but it was a madhouse about half an hour. never did understand why the rush of craziness. but the sounds of humans went on for some time. fortunately for the residents of every other block except A3, the power came back just as soon as it left. unfortunately for the residents of A3, the in-house power generatoer was allegedly down. some said they saw smoke billowing out of the TNB room below. i saw smoke still lingering outside.

The good thing about blackouts, it somehow brings people together. when i got back home, i was surprised to see everyone, all huddled together in the center of my hall, jsut talking and joking around. no longer stuck to their pcs, they were free to joke and talk around. you don't really see much of this these days.they discussed what they could play together to pass time, or whether supper somewhere out in town was a good idea. i was tired and all i wanted to do, was just lie in the darkness and let the serene atmosphere (most ppl had shut up after the power came back, and those who had not, had been shot dead by the guards for disturbing the peace of the babies). i lay on my bed, and i was thankful that the air was cool. Without a fan, i still had good sleep till this morning. thank God:)

I don't really know why in the world i'm typing this, but maybe i just wanted to write...boring man.

Mental Constipation

Mental Constipation : a common occurance of mental blackouts when facing a stress related situation. the subject has been deeply studied and revised, and yet, when the proper time for its usage has come, your mind just goes blank. the fact is, you have stuffed your brains with the much needed facts and information, yet, the constipation of the mind disallows any dissemintaion of the salient facts. such occurance are common during exam and test periods. till today, no cure is available for this rare but sudden disease. experts believe that going outdoors for a brisk walk and enjoying the view of nature will help the contstipated mind be at ease again. however, in most cases, the bearer of the mind will find sudden relief of this condition once they step out of the exam hall. by then, it is too late.

no greater love

as i'm typing this...a 2 hour lecture is going on. well, woke up on the only side of bed, late. so there goes my class. anyways, partly my fault. i watched I,Robot to pass the time last nite...only to be interrupted to watch Fahrenheit 9/11...which was also interrupted by sleep...to then be interrupted by a visit to the Putrajaya Hospital...whoever you are...i hope u're ok:P stop vomitting ok! it's gross:P

continued my I,Robot movie till bout 6am.it's a really cool show. and it gaved me the chills. what if really one day the world has robots walking as one of us? what if one day, we have to befriend them, what if they take us over? it's something to think about.

anyways, i've been wanting to post up my last weekends experience watching the Passion of the Christ. yeah, i'm late watching it. but so what! watched it at One Utama with Evelin. all this while i had the movie in my pc, but haven't watched it yet. it's a cinema screener version. a few months ago, during my hols, Jason came over to my house and we were thinking of watching it...we felt like watching a kewl movie. after one minute into the show, we just decided we weren't ready to watch it:( coz from last weekends, experience, it's not a casual movie that u jsut watch u pass time.

anyways, i did prepare myself to watch it, after hearing all kinds of reports from others who've watched it before. it's like a bible story coming to life. i was moved by what i saw. it may just be a movie, but it was depicted very well. and i couldn't take it when i saw Jesus flogged, my eye's burst. every flogging he got, i knew He did it for me. i watched as they accused Him, they taunted Him, but the Son of God never retaliated. He took the blame and the shame, for me. He endured it all, for me, so that i might have eternal life. i imagine that someone else who had gotten that kinda of flogging, would probably have died even as he tried to carry the cross and do a cross country all the way to the mountain. seriously,come to think of it, dying on the cross isn't so glamarous and simple as alot of artist put it in their paintings. it never crossed my mind, that the journey from where Jesus was flogged to where He was crucified was such a long and distant one. i never imagined He was soo bloodied and broken as He carried the sins of the world to the mountain. i never thought that He had to go through so much just to be crucified. to be honest, i tot that He was escorted like a VIP all the way to the cross and they carefully nailed Him in. but now, when i see it, as i write this, i'm grateful that He endured all that, to purchase my freedom and salvation. as though being flogged to bits, till, there's hardly skin left, wasn't bad enough, He had to carry His heavy cross. it's like running a race, or more of walking the race. His destination, Mount Golgotha. I feel that an ordinary person who had just been whipped like there's no tomoro, and having to carry such a heavy piece of wood, being taunted and whacked along the way, would have died carrying the cross. imagine, if i was the one, i would probably died of exhaustion, on the road. right there. I believe Jesus, though God, was human at the same time and He must have felt whatever a human feels. that's said so in the Bible. He must have wanted to give up and succumb to the pain and the fatigue. but He didn't! imagine, if He had given up on the road and died there instead of going all the way and dying on the cross, we would be evangelising to other's that : Jesus died on the road along the way to save you and i ! imagine how that would sound like? but i'm so grateful that He went all the way, each painful step, with me on His mind. with you on His mind. no greater sacrifice! as He was nailed..His hands and His feet...as He hung there, taking the blame of every sin in the world on Himself, when He was so innocently pure...He thought about you and i. God's master plan for our redemption! Love manifested!

somehow, this movie has brought alot of things into perspective in my life. whatever i've gone through, Jesus has endured a whole lot more. He was rejected, He was accused, He was beaten, He was denied, He was betrayed, He was crucified...yet He did no sin.
here i am, rethinking my life, what He has purchased me for...am i really that worth it? Each time i think of the bloodied face of my King, the blood that should have been mine...i'm ever so grateful that my heart sings praise and gives worship. i was redeemed for so much more, than just sit here and do nothing.

if i was there witnessing Jesus falling with the cross on Him, i would have carried it for Him all the way, or at least helped Him to. but i wasn't born then. and it challenges me to carry my cross now, though not a physical one. as i carry it, i know i can do it, coz someone has gone before me to show that it can be done. thank you Jesus.

nobody knows what it's like to be the bat-man

nobody likes to be the bad guy
sometimes u just are the bad guy
and u never know why
a crime happens
and you're obvlious to what's happening
next thing, the gun's in your hand
and you wonder how u became the offender

you try hard to live right
but at the end, you're misunderstood
and you wonder, is it worth the fight

you give your best
but you fall short
u wonder, should you have even tried

innocence is lost
just by a speck of guilt
simplicity looses it's substance
when you add an extra unknown

but you still keep trying
you don't give up

i'm sorry for being the bad guy...
never wanted this job
but sometimes, it happens
and here i am with the gun...
innocently guilty

all dressed up and nowhere to go

all dressed up and no where to go...
just completed my supp exam paper. thank God i could do it. now i leave the results to the hands of God...i've done my part, and my best.

felt like shouting out, like, "Yeah! it's over". realised i would be shouting alone...everyone has already experienced this feeling ages ago. since the semester started one week ago, i've been preparing for this paper while my housemates are free to indulge in their games, my other friends, gone out shopping and to outings and to movies...me...stuck here. but what to do?

feel relieved that at least it's over. now i can get on with my life...the life of constant study for this coming semester. every semester it's liek the same...i set my goals high...but always fall short of it. but i'll still keep aiming high...i won't give up...go all the way with it...my best...even if fail trying.

so much i want to do...i've just been let out of prison...standing in the front entrance, bidding my cell mates goodbye. holding my bag of clothes, the only property i owned during the dark days...i tip my hat to the sun, good to see you again...i take in a breath of fresh air, my lungs the state of a bursting balloon.the world is before me...a second chance...it's good to be free...

read

some writers just stick on you. some people dig Tom Clancy, some Stephen King, some John Grisham,some JRR Tolkien, some CS Lewis, some Sidney Sheldon, some Danielle Steel (or was it Steele), and a whole list of other writers, including God. yeah, He wrote the BestSeller:)

anyways, i've finally found one that i've really enjoyed his masterpieces. was in the library yesterday, supposedly studying, and i stumbled upon 2 novels by John Irving. yeah, that's the punk who wrote The World According to Garp, and it's been a good read. well, i borrowed those other 2 books : A Widow for One Year and A Prayer for Owen Meany. the gist of the story written on the backpages really got me wanting to read it immediately. unfortunately, my test wouldn't be questioning me on who's who by John Irving. sighz! so much for literature.
anyways, i'm looking forward to a long good read after my exams:)

some authors are too technical, some too abstract, some too serious and boring, but some has the soup at just the right temperature. that's John Irving for me;) challengingly creative and sardonically funny.

if you stop reading, you stop learning
read for your future
read for your kids

-this message is a community service message-

mizunderstood

i speak what i must
to let the air out of my lungs
meanless, but essential
i'd rather burst trying
than die keeping it in like a horrible fart
if i say
'you're stupid'
will you feel offended?
not you
wasn't talking about you;)
it was the other person down the street
who has feathers on his caps
and a bag of cold hard coins
the mind is a platform of sorts
the stage of events to take place
yet not even happen
it's all in the mind
the flap of a butterfly wing
could cause a typhoon
on the other side of the world
the butterfly effect
is this really it?
mary had a little lamb
but does it really matter
if it was a dog or cat?
jottings of the mind
excuse me
i need to fart...

undone

betrayed with a smile
undone with a frown
you...
landed hopes
never to take flight again
why...
you gave yourself away
you sold your heart
spoilt
lost
alone
i never knew the magnitude
of the speed of your drifting
i never knew the velocity
in which you were swept away
i never knew you let yourself
fall in the hopes and dreams
and arms of the others
u fell and crawled
shattered
i never knew
find yourself
find your peace
redeem your heart
redeem your self
i wish i could
but the winds are changing
i'm here
anything

a tribute to solitude

the silence creeps upon me like nite
slowly but surely
the sickening feeling of being alone
eats to my guts
i've hardly felt this before
this foreign feeling...
solitude
playing solitaire
boredom is my highlight
'boring' was never my motto
ever
now this desease creeps
into my system
how did it ever get here
i wait
will You come?
will You fill me?
desperate for a touch
more than just human
a touch of love
it's all quiet
drawn away from
the maddening crowd
are You leading me?
am I to find You?
here?
please come...

not good enough

purity.innocence.lost.
can i make it clean again.
not good enough
i can't fix it
bent and broken
knowledge isn't always good
a blank sheet to start with
but can u see the folds
empty but filled
wasted and wiped away
i'm sorry
sorry isn't good enough
if i could offer back
your innocence
i would
the pearls of time
fading
all my doing
i'm sorry
sorry isn't good enough
wither
weak
helpless
unglued
if i could make it right
if time was tangible
afraid
undone
lost
darkened
blinded
i'm sorry
sorry isn't good enough

week one already?

so begins the semester...everyone is having a helluva time meeting old pals up and doing crazy stuff. and here i am, sitting at home studying. can't wait to get over with this supplementary paper, and start preparing for my semester studies. so far, i haven't missed a single class, and i've been awake for all my classes. miraculously, i have enough sleep each nite and i manage to wake up in time for all my classes. praise God!

well, i felt despair as i was preparing for my supp exams. so far, most of the classmates i know passed, and i was the only dumbo who failed. it kinda gives u a sucky feeling...like u're such a dumbass. i've been asking God why...why do i have to go through this? i faced this situation last semester, and this semester too? i really don't understand. and there i am with ppl praising God for their good results...and i ask God, why can't i be liek them too. how come i'm not the one giving testimony of my good results? i did study, but the wrong things. i couldn't answer coz i studied the wrong things. questions just comes. I know that God loves me and all that...but sometimes, it's harder to face it. i really felt weird when some of my friends tried encouraging me with 'holy talk', and i was so pushed back by it. i wonder if there were others who felt like me when i tried encouraging them liek that.

anyways, there's still alot of things to thank God for i guess. and my spirit is still not dampened. jsut a setback as for now, but my life goes on.really excited about this semester. jsut have to get over this exam, and the world is before me.woohoo!

jsut got back from seeing my lecturer about the paper, and he's been a great help. really gonna study what he told me to. gonna leave the results to God. just gonna be faithful with my studies and give it my best shot. the results are in his hands.

things to look forward to:
1)getting ready for CyberChristmas
2)jamming with Knil Army
3)working on my own Rubber Band
4)studying this semesters subjects
5)shopping....(i've been deprived of this since all the mega sales falls on my exam period)

back to studies for now...

the world according to.....

The World According To Garp, by John Irving is one of the best novel i've ever read. it's simplistic plan that slowly unveils itself kept me entertained during the last week of my holidays. I just couldn't put the book down. the story is pretty deep and thick. the plot goes all the way down and up again. and every bit is explained in due time. it's not one of those novels where you go ,"what the Heck!", at the end, but rather it leaves a satisfying after-effect to your mind. (it should, since it has nearly 600 pages. if it didn't i would have murdered the author). this novel can't be described with a few words, so if you happen to come across this book, get a read on it. no regrets!

The trimester is bout to begin in a few hours time. as i sit here typing, i'm bogged by my supplementary exams. everyone else is enjoying themselves getting into gear for the start of skool. i'm doing the same, minus the enjoyment part. it's nice to hear ppl getting what they prayed for like passing the exams, getting 6 As, achieving this, and that. and i look at myself...what did i miss out? all i asked was to get 3.00 and i missed that. life. i know it's just an exam, but still, wouldn't it be nice to get some nice grades for awhile? Lord, there's so much i don't understand...

"I don't wanna live in a bubble
but i don't wanna be hurt"

from Nero to Hero!

note correction:

Heard from Zero to Hero? well, this case is from Nero to Hero.
yeap! talking bout that lil' pup. after further discussion, the majority won anonymously that the name should be Hero. it's kinda getting cute. and somehow, i'm bonding pretty much with it. that lil' punk seems to be marking it's territory everywhere.sighz! dogs will be dogs.

grace?

why do i feel this way
this stupidity overwhelms me
so in need of Grace

and then there was Nero

mum said a dog has been in the housing area for sometime. and yesterday, dad suddenly let it into our compound. immediately, it made itself at home, marking it's territory here and there with a flick of it's leg and a few drops of piss. dogs will be dogs. well, my sisters took an immediate liking to it, so did my dad. my mum was a little apprehensive at first, but it soon grew on her. from the looks of it, the dog looks pretty old but quite well trained. there was a cut on it's eye, and soon enough, my dad and sisters gave it a thorough bath and some medication for the eye. somehow, the name Nero came up. sounds dumb to me, but ask my sisters. i liked the name Blackie better.

Nero

this is the other dog i have, Sunni (pronounced as Soon-Nee)