Day 12 : Like a thorn in the flesh

Today would be the team's second last day in the Philippines. Since the weekend, I haven't heard any news from them. Don't know what prayer needs they need. Sometimes I forget that they even went.

They should be touching Malaysian soil about 8.20pm tomorrow. Since before the weekend, I haven't had any contact with them. I managed to overcome the pain and the hurt. And somehow found other things to focus my attention to. I felt good for a while. But just getting into contact with them to plan out their return plan, brought back alot of painful memories. It was a flashback of all the things that could have. I thought I was all right. I thought I was strong again. But in a split instant, I was feeling where I was when the team left. It should have been me. Those thoughts keep coming back.

I don't know if they'll ever understand the feeling of being left behind. 'Why Me?' questions keep popping up. I'm shredded to an emotional mess again. A part of me still wants to meet them up at the airport to welcome them back tomorrow. But a part of me feels that I would break down and cry when I did see them. I really do not know how the whole scenario would be like. I think about it all, and it freaks me out. My meeting them at the airport will be accompanied with intense emotions. I hope I can handle it all. I hope I would be strong enough to put up a cheerful face. I hope I can forget that I wasn't supposed to be part of the team. All hopes. What happens when reality sets in? I wonder how it would feel like as they tell all their stories while I just listen? I don't know. I pray I have enough grace to carry this out.

Lord, help me to let go....of this....