Day 7 : Desperation

Today, I studied alone. My friend's paper was this morning. So while he was in the process of becoming a free man, I was still going through the motions of perfecting my studies. I was more afraid that he couldn't wake up for his exam. So I woke up around the same time just to make sure he was awake. Imagine studying so hard to pass this final barrier, only to miss the whole paper because you snoozed the alarm a bit more than it should.

Being alone in the library was all right at first. But then, it got really boring. Kinda makes you wish you were the world. But I knew I had to be on campus so that I could ask my tutor or lecturer anything I didn't understand. Today will be the last day in the library for me. After 5 pm, I knew I would be on my own. All the help I could get would be packing their bags and heading home at 5.

By nightfall, I really felt alone all over again. Intense alone. And I panicked. I started having doubts. My feet got cold. I really had to cry to God to grant me assurance that I'll make it. I pleaded for peace. I still tried my best to Praise Him. I couldn't sleep.

This is the 4th time I'll be sitting for the same paper. The first time was the main paper, and after I failed, I had to sit for a supplementary paper to pass. I failed that too. I had to retake the subject, and again I failed. This would be the 4th time, being the supplementary paper. It's traumatic for me. When I think of it, it's like staring at a brick wall. How am I going to scale this thing? With each exam I sit for, my confidence is shreded to bits. With each exam I sit, the feeling of incompetency sets in deeper. I feel useless. I really wonder why God allowed me through this path. It's not that I'm not workign or studyign hard enough.

Lord, don't fail me now. Ask I go through this valley, do not leave me nor farsake me. Be the light for my path. Be my pillar of strength. Be my hope. Right now, all I need is hope. Help me Lord. I need a breakthrough.

Tonite would be the first concert the team will be holding in the Philippines. I was supposed to lead worship for this concert. *sigh*