More than just a band....

The previous post became a lil emo for at the end, and then there was class. Didn't really have time to mention the last part. Just got back from class. Anyways, here's something that I've got to say. Amplify, to me, is more than just a band. What started out as just a band for an event now has taken a deeper meaning. We've been together for close to year, but things became more personal only within the last 3 months, when the 3rd trimester started. It's not just only about making music. Now it's about hanging out, sharing our problems, talking about our future. It's more than just, " i think you played a wrong note there", or " maybe we could try this ". It's past that. We do tell each other off at times. But what's more important than the studio sessions is the drive to the studio, the mamak sessions afterwards and even the trips to the music stores. We're opening up alot to each other, not just in the types of music we listen to. We're sharing more about what we believe in. We're looking at mistakes and instead of discarding it, we work at it. It's not just about music. It's about the people. I really don't know how everyone else in the band feels about this. But as a band, I think we've gone up another level.

Right after the results were out, one of the guys actually called each one of us to find out if we're ok. I didn't expect it. But that sense of concern was there. As I talked to the other guys, I felt a deep feeling of disappointment, but somehow, it's going to be ok. The smses of encouragement I got from the guys spoke a lot to me. It showed me that Amplify just wasn't about performances, but the people behind it.

Dude, Amplify is bigger than this. BOTB is not everything....for some others, it is, but we have recording plans right? We are more than this.

Not down as in sad, but down as in slepy la. Ha ha. Call me when we're jamming next.

when chuah told me.. he asked me am i ok.. i also duno how to answer man... really duno how to answer....
for me amplify is a band with life...
without it i cant get to know u more... chuah n joshua...
i kept on questioning myself y.. what's happening...
but then i think there must be something God wants us to learn....

For me, Amplify is not just a band. It's a team. A Friendship. A fellowship. Actualyl amplify healed my broken heart. Helped me over my hardest time. So cheers. Amplify will move on.

These are some of the words of encouragement of the people I'm proud to be in a band with. Makes it feel like losing out isn't such a biggie anymore. I really do not know where out future will take us, or each of our own paths will lead to. But for now, we're Amplify.

What's been going on

This is going to be a very long entry.
Hopefully, characterising the events would help.

On Final Year Project (19th April ):
My Final Year Project (FYP) is DONE!!! D-O-N-E! Only thing left, the presentation. What a huge relief to finally get it done and over with. After all these weeks. And for the past few nites of no decent sleep. Just as if a huge burden lifted up. Somehow, after talking to my superviser, he gave me the impression that FYP is such a small thing in the university context. It's as if FYP is for kids. I quote him, " FYP only what!? Don't expect us to read everything. Most important is your Abstract, Introduction, and Conclusion. If you're a masters student, then maybe they will read everything." I can't really blame him. Imagine writing a 100-page thesis. Imagine 600+ engineering students writing each a 100-paged thesis. Imagine 40+ lecturers trying to go through every single one of them. If I were them, I'd just read the important parts. For the overall project, I really gave my best. But I got a feeling I messed up by Background Theory. Can't seem to explain properly the concept of the whole thing. This FYP has brought me alot closer to a few people. Some of them I've only seen but never known before. Some, getting to know them better. It's all teamwork and personal effort. It's really a truly enriching experience. Now that the FYP is out of the way, it means I've got slightly less than a month before I sit for my final exams...and hopefully...graduate. For many of the final year students, once they handed up their FYP, it felt as if exams were over. No mood to study for final exams. Well, that's about as much I can say about me getting over the FYP period:p

On UNITE 2006 ( 14th April ):
The highlight for me was being able to take loads of pictures with all the beautiful people dressed up for the night. I didn't really bother what was going on stage. Just going from table to table to see who I know and taking pictures with them. Everybody put in so much effort to look great:) There were some that I couldn't even recognise at first. They look extraordinarily stunning than when I see them in class. On normal days, we usually look plain and ordinary. At UNITE, it was...just an explosion of colors. The girls were looking all hot, and the guys like hunks...not all, but most. Pictures do speak a thousand words. So, see for yourself:p (come find me). Anyways, Amplify had the chance to play for UNITE. We went for the audition and we got chosen. We prepared 8 songs, but when the time came, it was cut down to only 2! Only did Ever The Same by Rob Thomas and one Chinese song that till now I don't know the title. Chee Meng sang it. Our slot was right before the VIP entrance. So the committees kept us waiting and when we did start playing, they rushed us.... *sigh* But not many were listening to us anyways. I felt bad for Esther and Nicky. Joshua invited them to perform with us. So they prepraed 1 nice song. And when it was their turn to come up, we were asked to end. So all that practice...and no one saw. I really anticipated to have the stage to ourselves for a bit, even if no one was paying attention. Never expected us to be people just filling up slots to pass time. *double sigh*. My overall impression of UNITE : sucks! But I shall spare you details. You can read the forum about all the people's complains. Just 24-hours after UNITE, the forum reached 9 pages. So that kinda says how intense were the people's displeasure with UNITE. But I did play my part in organising a 'rombongan' to go there. Read the 2 previous posts.

On Amplify and the auditions for MMU Melaka's Battle of the Bands (16th April):
We DIDN'T make it!! *crushed* Whatever I felt then, I felt it again.
We were ready. We were hoping.We put up a good show. We gave our best....but it wasn't....good....enough.... Out of 40++ bands that participated, only 12 would be selected. 9 from Melaka Campus and 3 from Cyber Campus. Since our first auditioned which we really sucked and failed, we've really been improving and working on our weakness all these while. Took us a while to get back on our feet again. After the auditions, most of us had industrial training and we kinda like..'disbanded' for a bit, since everyone was every else. But since the 3rd semester, we got back and put in alot of effort to get it running again. WE got more serious with our music. We took up challenges in this semester itself. And for a time, we made progress. Our first big thing after the failed auditions, was Carrer Fair Live Concert. Then it was Career Fair Carnival. After that, we were invited to perform for MMUSIC Unplugged III. All these were side issues. Our main goal after AudioWarfare's failed auditions was Melaka's Battle of the Bands auditions. That was our target. But along the way to getting there, some of the mentioned opportunities came our way and we seized it. Our latest progress, just a couple of days before the audition was UNITE, which we managed to get a slot to play for. But sadly, we missed our main goal. It's a personal failure for me. My dream was to participate in a band competition in university at least once before I graduated. I failed. Both times. After the audition, we thought we could make it. It sounded promising. We stood a high chance.Next day when I heard the results...it took a while for the news to sink in. When it did, I wasn't ok. The usual barrage of 'why's streamed through my head. All the questions came to mind. Why this? Why that? Did we lack this or that? It was endless. My confidence and hope kinda dissolved. After all this while, we came so far just to fall short of our goal by a matter of a few placings? I just don't undertand. How is it that some people achieve success with their first try? And some takes ages to pass the first barrier? Did we screw up? What is it we lacked? What was missing that could have given us the edge over the rest? The agony of defeat is so real. Till now, I'm still trying to pick the pieces up. Trying to deal with the issues in my head. It's just too painful at times. I know some try to sympathize. But it's just not that simple. You don't know, do you? I wish I could take 'It's ok' as an answer. But I can't. *frustrated*

UPDATES!!!

UPDATES!!! - It's GOOD FRIDAY today!!!

My FYP got screwed up. But UNITE HAS to go on.

Please, if you're reading this, and still have not collected your UNITE tickets from me, get your sorry a** off the chair and come get it from me, NOW!

For those driving....there is a sticker that you need to stick on your windscreen as an entrance pass to PICC. So, please get that sticker on your screen immediately and don't procrastinate. You'll be sorry if you have to walk all the way up there. Yes, you and your date...whatever!

For those needing transport.....if you can arrange yourself, that would be good. If not, there are available cars going.

1. Audrey's car - 4 spaces
2.Lincoln's car - 4 spaces
3.Daniel ( aka Boss) - 2 spaces
4.Chee Yong's car - 4 spaces (he said girls only)
5.Kae Ee's car - 3 spaces
6.Yuin-Y's car (driver is jason mock) - 3 spaces

So get in touch with these people if you really need transport. First come first serve basis....but if the driver doesn't like you..it's just too bad. If not, start walking by 4pm, you should reach latest by 8pm.

PLease be there by 7pm. Don't be late. They might close the doors at 8pm. So if you're late....you've been warned!!

Anything, get back to me.

ps : if you do not like the seating, I'm so sorry. Make your own arrangements then.

Lastly,

Table Numbers are:
EeNie - 122
MeeNie - 136
MyNiee - 137
Moh - 106

They're all side by side. SO don't worry about being separated.

Cheers!!!

Wee Liem's Go To U-Nite Programme

U-Nite 2006 is this FRIDAY (14/4/2006)

For fyp people, that means you have 5 days before FYP submission. All the best!

For those of you who ordered U-Nite 2006 tickets through me, here is your table seating. For now, just check here constantly for updates (it helps my blog ratings:P). I'm not really sure what exactly the table numbers are, but you can be assured that I already have your tickets. You may start your ticket collection from me starting Thursday (13/4/2006).

As for now, we shall call it Table EeNie, Meenie, Myniee and Moh.

For those of you who are:
- willing to drive and have a car
- have a car but don't want to drive, but willing to loan it to someone to drive
- don't have a car but can drive
please let me know. Put your response in the comments. There are some people that might need transport. If you have a date...and you're 5-seater has suddenly become a 'meant for 2', I understand. Rock and roll!

Ok. Here goes.

Table EeNie
1.Samuel
2.Charis
3.Wee Liem
4.Michelle
5.Jia Wern
6.Celine
7.Joash Yap
8.Isabel
9.Chee Kah
10.Stephanie Goh

Table Meenie
1.Gim Han
2.Datin
3.Su Lin
4.Su Yin
5.Benny
6.Wai Choong
7.Wee Ni
8.Ah Harm
9.Lincoln
10.Desmond

Table Myniee
1.Yuin-Y
2.Kae Ee
3.Leona
4.Kevin Tang
5.Boss
6.David Keong
7.Jason Mok
8.Siva
9.Poh Yee
10.Peak Yin

Table Moh
1.Rachel
2.Esther
3.Audrey
4.Beatrice
5.Chee Yong
6.Justin Lee
7.Joshua
8.Alvin Lee
9.Dawg
10.Nicky

I hope you are alright with the arrangement. I had to crack my head arranging who sits where. And I've tried taking consideration of everyones needs. So don't crucify me. (blame it on the lack of girls coming:P) If there is something wrong please message me personally.

If you have any question, just post it on the comments and I will get back to you. If you have anything to say also, post it on the comments.

Till then, see you when you collect your tickets. And here's to a great U-Nite 2006

*cheers*

In the silence of the night

Why do I break my heart over you again and again?
Have I not atoned for enough?
Have I not proved myself enough?
Can I just love and be loved?
Is it too much to ask?

Pleading Sanity

Sometimes I wonder, what it would have been
If it was you and me
Would things have been better?
Would it have been brighter?
Common in much, Diverse in much
A bright start, but what happened?
The same goal
The same dreams
Was I blind?
And ignorant?
Would it have been Picture Perfect?
Would I have been there?
Would you have done the same?
We're worlds apart, waiting for hope
Behind our smiles, lay hidden fear
Of a past trying to get us
Till then, I'll wait for directions
Till I know for sure.
That whoever you are
You'll come back to me.

Happenings.

Happenings this week:

1. EASTER EVENT
So far, it's been really falling into place. I believe God came thru for all our needs, eventhough it's just day 2 of 3 of this event. The play went on without any majot hiccups. It was just awesome. Minutes before the actual presentation, it was still fumbly-messy. Things were not coordinated. Glitches here and there. But when the time came for the show to carry on, God made everything perfect. Great job on a play well executed. It was just amazing. I guess Easter Event plays will have brighter futures. The crowd may not be the usual super-packed hall, but it was more than I expected. The band also was just tremendous. I really like the way they blend into the play without disrupting attention. They enhanced the effect of the play. Though restraint had to be exercised, it sounded really good. Alot of people asked me if it was a cd playing. The vocals were also very suitable. They were jut inspiring.

2. MMUSIC UNPLUGGED Sesion III
This is the first time Amplify played in an unplug session. It was a really new experience. To be honest, it was also one of the worst shows put up. Partly our fault, but partly it was the sound system. We're just noobs in this gig affair. So we're not really pros when it comes to fine-tuning the sound on a live set, especially when there's no soundcheck. We couldn't really hear each other and ended up fumling our way through. But it wasn't all that bad. It's just a learning experience for us. Mistakes not to make again. The bands before and after us also had sound problems. However, Love Me Butch really did give a superb performance. Got conned into buying their cd. But it's for a good cause: suppoting local music. Having a really good guitar makes a whole lot difference where sound is concerned.

Amplify was also asked to perform a couple of songs for metropolitan's something's installation night this coming Saturday. I don't know much details, but we had to turn it down. Time is too short on our side. Too many thing to accomplish and too little time. Anyways, I've got a family Japanese Buffet during that time. So something lost, something else gained.


Things that are coming my way:

6/4 - Easter BBQ Nite.
7-13/4 - music practices/fyp
7/4 - leaders meeting
8/4 - pg leaders meeting
14/4 - U-Nite!!
15-16/4 - Audition for Melaka Botb
17/4 - FYP submission
23/4 - Melaka Botb ( if we make it pass the audition )

I'm so....drowning.....

On other thoughts,
1. Sometime life is so ironic, you just shut up.
2. Sometime I don't like you.
3. Sometimes your best isn't good enough.
4. Sometimes we fall to be able to get up.
5. Sometimes I wish you weren't so hard to understand.
6. Sometimes I wish I was in love.
7. Sometimes I wish I was smart.
8. Sometimes you don't understand what's going on...and you still don't.
9. Sometimes it's good to have boobs....it helps you get away with things (pardon me)
10.Sometimes, your words don't match your actions.
11.Sometimes your ignorance is so deafening.
12.Sometimes I wish I could cry.
13.Sometimes, I wish I was free again.
14.Sometimes, ..........

Thoughts in the night

I'm wide awake. And I wonder what am I doing here. It's the time when solitude governs and activities cease. It's time when beings come to a halt and recharge. But I'm awake.

It's too quiet for me to scream my lungs out. But the deafening silence is something I can't ignore. My heart is restless. I need a relaxant, or someone give me an anti-depressant. My soul wants to be heard, but is misunderstood.

It's a good time to have a good overdose of booze to dull the pain. But, even alcohol, my body now rejects. Why has it come to this? When I long for an escape and it eludes me.

Why do I take all this shit......

Caught at point blank

Here's what's going to happen.

If we make it to Battle Of The Bands Melaka, Joshua will pierce.
So, here's proof of the conversation.
It's not just any piercing...it's the Prince Albert.
Jester aka Joshua.




If Joshua sees this, I'm dead.

Career Fair Live Concert Part 2

Thursday, Amplify and friend minus the bassist made an appearance on campus. It was Career Fair Live Concert part 2. Since the last gig (the one we got cut-off half way), we were invited to perform once again as a make-up for the mishap. This time, we had to cut the volume and play something softer since the stage would be smacked right in the middle of all lecture activites. And we didn't have Jeffrey, our bassist anyway. So we decided to play the songs we auditioned for U-Nite : Be With You by Mr Big and Love Thing by Joe Satriani. Me and Chee Meng would switch between guitars and bass while Nicky would sing. On Wednesday night...or rather, Thursday 'early' morning, we had a brush-up practice and had this crazy idea to just play The Scientist by Coldplay. It was a last minute decision with no full practice. But we took the plunge. A night to learn the chords and lyrics.

Thursday came and found us up on stage. All of us too lepak di. I don't know why we didn't feel the same tension and anxiety like we did during the Career Fair Live Concert night. All in all, we played 4 songs, coz we were requested to play Mr Big's song twice. Popular demand, or lousy mike setup....i dunno.

Anyway, here are some pics, courtesy of Audrey. Thank you. (the previous pics were also courtesy of Audrey as well)















As for now, it would be alot more practices to gear ourselves for U-Nite!
And for those who came to support and watch us, thank you SO MUCH!

Ta da!

We made it past the audition for U-Nite!

It's a surprise since the only other band that auditioned sounded rather intimidating. They had a really talented guitarist that looks and play like he's high on drugs. Really good stuff. And their drummer plays for Dragon Red. And they really played well. I wasn't sure if we would make it. All I felt was relieved that at least, we manage to make it for the audition. Then I let things be.

With the news this morning, I'm rather excited. This is another stepping stone for Amplify and friends to climb up another level. Well, it also means more homework....practices...training...and the works. But no pain, no gain.

*can't wait*

Amplify @ Career Fair Live Concert 2006

The day started well. The night before, we practised one last time. Just to make sure everyone was in sync with each other. We simulated the whole night and anticipated what we needed to perform. It was a great and much needed practice.

At 3pm, we went for sound check. It was a blistering hot day and the sound people came late. They took their sweet time, as always. By the time we actually got to sound checking, it was almost 5. The gig was held in the car park near the chiller plant. It's a really nice place to hold outdoor concerts. I think it could fit in about 2000 people easily.

At 8.30, it started to rain. Typical of such an extremely hot day to end with heavy rain. But I prayed. I asked God to let it rain, but let it stop at 9pm, just in time for the concert to begin. I couldn't bear the thought of having the rain spoil the whole night's event. Imagine the number of people who would have been so disappointed. While waiting for time to pass, I did my devotion. And at 9pm, the rain stopped! It was a prayer answered. Better later than never.

The concert was suppsoed ot begin by 9pm, but the rain set everything back by more than half an hour. So by the time the guest band and first band came on, it was 10pm already. The whole show was supposed to close by 12am. With 2 hours and 9 bands to go....I foresaw it would be a little messy at the end. But I tried my best not to worry. The rain was good in that it made the night weather more cooling and refreshing. More and more people started coming in as the bands continued to display their songs. It was a Malay majority crowd. I think it was only 5% non-malays in the audience. And out of 10 bands, we were the only Chinese band. Later on, we were labelled as 'band Cina' by the emcees. Whatever makes them happy :P

To be honest, the sound system was a wee bit whacked. Didn't sound too nice, but there was nothing we could do about it. Amplify was excited and we were anticipating the countdown to our turn to get up on stage. Most of the bands were ok. But some plain boring. Some had great musicians, some had lousy vocals. It was....well, okok only-lar. On schedule, Amplify was supposed to be number 9 on the list. By the time band number 3 was on, most of our friends that wanted to support us came. Still a long way to go before our turn came. They endured it all. I was thankful that there was no metal-screaming bands, and grateful that our friends were willling to sit in the whole time as they waited for us to come on.

By the time band number 6 was on, Amplify was already tuning our instruments backstage. We were that excited. We ran through the whole run of our performance one by one. We motivated each other. We got enthusiastic. We prayed, though not all of us. We tried to calm ourselves down. Adrenaline was already pumping so bad, that no matter how much I drank, I felt thirsty.

The time soon came. And we found ourselves walking up the stage to rock the show. Finally, the time had come. Unfortunately, due to time constraint, we were asked to only play one song. A sudden feeling of unfairness crept it. Why us? What about the earlier bands? But, we set up our stuff and got ready to give a great performance. I knew I was going to sing, but more important, I had prayed that my main audience would be God. Since he gave me the courage to sing, I would sing for Him first before anyone else, even if it wasn't a Christian thingy.

There were some glitches. Time wasn't on our side, so were the organisers. They kept asking us to hurry up. We tried our best to set our equipment right and make sure everything was fine before blasting off, but before we could set everything the way we wanted it, the show had to start for us. Time had run out.

Our plan was to start with a warm up song. But I really felt we couln't afford the time for that song and told the rest to get into the main stuff:) So, away we went! Guitars screaming and drums rolling, we took off with such energy. It was a sudden change in atmosphere. The whole band was feeling the music and radiating its energy. Everyone on stage was grooving with the beat, one way or another.

This is our first ever performance as a band! It's a milestone. And I don't get to play the guitars. Instead, I just have to sing. Being a guitar-person, I felt naked without a guitar but what could I do? I mean, like what am I going to do in between songs and solos? Since I don't have an instrument to play. I saw the singers of the earlier bands standing like sticks and stones while the rest of the band members 'rocked' on with their solos. I didn't want to be like that. So, I did what many others have not seen me done before. I danced to the music, or grooved or whatever you want to call it. I was jumping to the beat. It was a part of me I never knew I could do and a part of me no one has seen before. It was something birthed of desperation, of not wanting to be a stick among the 'rock-ers'. It felt odd behaving a bit like a primate, but looking at my bandmates feeling the music and grooving with it spurred me on.

I can say that we really gave our best. All out! I felt the energy as we played. I felt the flow of each musician with the other. We played as one and it really felt good. The first song we played was Someone Else's Arms by Mae. When we ended, we were just about to move on to the next song, which is a song I wrote called Life is for Living when we were told to stop playing by the authorities. I already positioned myself to launch into the next song. I already dedicated the song to Nicholas Chan and his family. I just wanted to sing. We were all ready t go. But we had to stop. It was a heartache. After all that practice and not even a chance to play it. I knew some of my friends even came all the way to support us and also to hear the song I wrote, for the first time. But it was not to be. Part of me wanted to rebel. Part wanted to spur the crowd on and just play on and ignore the authorities. But the other part knew what was the right thing to do.

So, we reluctantly disconnected eveything and got ready to get down. I felt so uncontented. I felt unfairness. I was feeling disappointed to have been turned down from singing our second song due to time running out. It had apparently ran out for us, and for the night as well. When I got off the stage, I was feeling angry and disappointed. After such an energetic performance for the 1st song, it was a terrible blow to have to stop. So close yet so far!

But after awhile, I came to my senses. It's not the organisers fault. They wanted the show to go on. It was the security and the FMD department that was pushing for the show to end abruptly since the time was up. On the part of the organising committee, they were apologizing profusely for having to ask us to stop. And couldn't stay upset. It's not their error. After thinking it through, I felt even worse for the last and final band, who didn't even get to perform a single thing. They were totally turned down because there just wasn't enough time. And I really felt terrible for them. After all their practices and anticipation to put up a great show, they had to go home deprived. I took comfort at the fact that at least we manage to play one song.

Maybe it just wasn't time for my own song to be let out just yet. Maybe another suitable time would come by. Maybe God had other plans for us to perform elsewhere at another time. I really don't know. But I am thankful that I was given the strength and boldness to do what I did. And thankful that Amplify managed to give out a great show, no matter how short it lasted.

Thank you people for coming all the way and enduring everything just to watch us and give support. I really appreciate it. You guys are just awesome! Without you, we would have been making noise for no one. For Amplify, you guys really rocked so hard and I'm proud to be playing alongside all of you. Keep it up. Bright future:)

Here are some pics of the night.

Anger Management

Anger births from all kinds of sources. Be it injustice, ignorance...the list goes on. Sometimes, it's just plain pride being bruised. And the lousy thing about anger....is you are supposed to control it. Like any other emotion, anger has its funny characteristics.

You can't react to anger....at least that's what I've noticed. Anger feeds itself with revenge and contempt. And being full blown, messes you up. It's just not fair. Maybe that's because life isn't always fair. When you react to anger, it doesn't make you any happier afterwards. It doesn't give you joy when you finally get revenge. It only makes you bitter. And .... more sour.

The irony of dealing with anger is to let it go. Like...what the...? Maybe anger and pride are closely linked. You won't get angry unless your pride gets knocked on. And in order to defend your pride, angers kicks in automatically. 2 options. Let it go... Or cling on and plot for vengeance.

To plot for vengeace is more natural. Without saying, it's in-built in everyone. 'Revenge is sweet' , or so 'they' say. But all I taste is the root of bitterness and unaccomplishment. Planning to 'get back' at the people who wronged you.....takes up more time and energy. Unconsciously, as I hold on, I begin to plot and scheme the most unthinkable things. And when I look back....if my momma knew I was thinking such stuff....she would probably think it wasn't very nice. And might have me apologize to the person. Hold on to you anger too long....you turn into a bitter individual. And taking revenge only feeds that dying process. When you're at the end of your life...you probably wouldn't have accomplished much.

But I believe God came to make things 'crooked' in the right way for man. He said to let it go. Vengeance is His. Let's not focus on God's vengeance just yet, but more of the let go. To let go of the anger is to deny your pride from going overboard with thinking you area always right. Maybe you are right, but shit happens...and bearing in mind that life is not always fair. The process of us denying our pride from getting what it wants changes our character. In order to achieve that, we learn patience and forgiveness along the way. It's a whole package. All this while, we are supposed to let God deal with the injustice. He will avenge in His time. But that's not something we are to be looking out for. As God changes our heart when we deal with anger, He changes our heart to forgive. By the time we get over the whole issue, we wouldn't be so bothered with who was right or wrong. But that we are a different being than before....a better one....hopefully.

God, help me.....

One man came....

We made it!


Something to really thank God for.


In retrospect. 3/3/06 will be a day of remembrance for me.
The day I had a close brush with death.
The day where I could have lost 3 of my friends.
The day when a lorry could have collided with a car.
The day when metal could have gone against metal.
The day when there could have been many regrets.

But God has spared me and my friends.
It's not my time to go, yet.
My life has meaning and purpose.
I better make each day count, each moment worth it.
A second chance for me to wake up, in His arms again.


Well, I can't bear the thought of going to the next life before my parents. It's just not right for the parents to bury their kids. But if anything does happen, whoever is reading this, please tell my mum and dad and my 2 sisters that I love them very much.

Catching up with me

It's already becoming week 5 of my last academic trimester...that is if all goes well. A few more weeks, and I'm out of MMU.

I've managed to emerge from a bout I had with some mild depression. It's been some time since I could look at myself and smile. Things are a little better now. At least, I can shrug some negative thoughts without having to wage mental war. It is true that the mind is like a monster. It is capable of thinking the most intricate of designs and coming up with 'out-of-this-world' inventions. It can crush a spirit, break a man. It can lift the soul, build a man. A battle is already lost if the mind says so. I've seen many talented people with so much to offer, but are crippled just because they cannot see themselves breaking free of their detrimental mindset. I've fallen there once. But if only the mind can see that glimpse of hope, it is capable of breaking free and start soaring again.

Initially, thoughts about getting a job in the future put me down. My results are not all that great...not even close to calling average. I have nothing to show. I feel that my life in university, education wise, is a total joke. I don't remember what I study after the exams. It's all a blur. How am I going to be an engineer? Is it possible for me to find a place in a Multi-national Company? I really do not know. But I'm giving my best shot this final trimester. I'm a man with nothing to lose, so I've been applying for alot of jobs right now. Going for interviews and sending in resumes. It was scary at first, but after a while, I just let them grill me. Bring it on! I might not place myself an engineering job, but I might still land in a MNC somehow. But through it all, I believe that if God has brought me this far, He won't leave me stranded and jobless without a reason. So, my future has been chartered out way before I even thought of it.

On other thoughts, this world has too many negative people. Being rational and practical need not necessarily mean to be negative. It's frustrating talking to people who feel like the world is out to get them and we have to strive to make it in life. Maybe it's true. But there is such things as grace, favour and providence. If we all can have a little bit of hope, it goes a long way. The papers and telivision are already bombarding us with bad news in today's society. We don't need an extra 'messenger of doom' to go around putting down our spirits. What this world needs is more smiles and encouragement. I beg to differ if you do not feel the same.

During the mild depression period, I wondered where were my friends? More precise, who were my friends? People who said they would be there....just disapeared. It was a lonely and painful period. So much of things breaking inside, but no place to turn to. I couldn't say much, lest I be branded 'emo'. Catching up was so hard. Drifting was more painful. My close friends were becoming nominal ones. Maybe everybody had their own issues to face....or caught up with their own agenda. I really don't know. I cared till the point it hurt. I felt being taken for granted. If I was there, then good. I could be of some help. If not, it makes no difference. Suddenly, I felt side-lined. I was only approached when something was required of me. If not, I was left on the shelf. Maybe I was just losing it. Losing out. Maybe I wasn't such a great friend to them anymore. Maybe they've found better ones. Other things/people seem to be more important. My appointments were secondary most of the time. I make appointments, and last minute, they get turned down. My invitations, in their KIV files. If nothing else, then maybe they will let me come into their life. Just because I'm seen almost everyday doesn't mean everything about me is known. This whole episode made me wonder if it's just me...detached...or the people around me are changing. What really hurts, is that these are the people closest to me. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just my acquaintances. It just felt like raw wound when you're not counted in anymore. Maybe I tried too hard.

On a happier note, Amplify is back and running again. Since this trimester, I have only 2 subjects, I've been more involved in the progress of the band. I've written a new song and they've managed to arrange something beautiful out of it. We have been having practices and seem to be getting along pretty well after 3 months of separation. We're taking every opportunity that comes our way. Our initial motive to compete in Audiowardare 2005 ( which failed miserably ) , soon drove us to try for the Melaka Battle of the Bands ( which till now, we're not sure if this competition is going to take place ). But in the meantime, we're trying for 2 auditions. One is for Career Fair's Gig Night and one is for U-Nite. This morning, we went for the Career Fair's Gig Night audition and I think we did really well. We'll know the results soon enough. Tomorrow, is the U-Nite audition. All the best to us.

I need rest

I'm sluggish!
Events happen, people come in and out, but I'm still not moving. Delirious, NOC 4....zipped...and they're all over.
I'm still here.

What I have been doing alot, is sleeping. But not finding rest.

My discovery this week is that sleep is not always equal to rest. I always thought that sleeping was resting. But this past week, I've been sleeping as much as I can...but I wake up still tired, still disturbed, still stressed, still disillusioned.

I need some time to really unwind, and release all the 'toxic' in my mind. I have much to do. It keep playing like a tape inside my head. Sometimes I know what I need to do, but I can't rest till it's done. So, it gets stuck in my head. And when I have time, I sleep, thinking it will make things better. In my dream, I'm running about doing those things. I'm thinking. When I wake, I feel exhausted, still at un-rest. I quickly get ready and rush head-on into another day of work. Trying to complete what I tried in vain to do in my dreams. This vicious cycle continues....

I need rest.

I need to examine my life.

I need to refocus.

I wish I could love You with all my heart again.

I can't pick myself up to even see You.


Well, this is the revised version of my song.

Life is

Sitting in my room
Looking at the map of the failures I’ve been thru
Seems like a theme park
Looking for answers I can’t seem to find
Show me the light
Give me a sign


Life is for living
Life is for giving it all away
When the time comes around
Are you forgiving?
I’m still believing in you today

I’m on my way to finding out that

life’s not meant to

be this way
I see your face smiling down on me
It’s gonna be just my day
Holding on to You
And everything that’s perfectly true
It’s time for me to fall again
Into catch-ful arms I know I will find
What I’m looking for


I hate it that I'm neither here, neither there
But You, you're everywhere
Feels like a dream I can’t wake out from
when everything seems meaningless.
there You are

Life is for living

Life is for giving it all away

When the time comes around

Are you forgiving?

I’m still believing in you today

I’m on my way to finding out that life’s not meant to be this way
Sometimes I think the future’s so bright
I gotta wear my shades
Holding on to You
And everything that’s perfectly true
It’s time for me to fall again
Into catch-ful arms I know I will find
What I’m looking for

My prayer

David Crowder - Deliver Me

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

The Discovery of me

I think I'm getting OLD-er.

Christmas, New Year and even Chinese New Year came and went just as quick as a snap of a finger, and I still don't feel a thing. As if it went right over my head. Maybe I'm feeling old too fast. It's sad how the little boy that's always meant to stay young at heart withers with age.

Anyways, I always learn new things each time I come home. This time round, I found out that I do have Malay blood in me....though diluted over the generations. All the while, I was naive to think that as a Baba, ( the girls, we call them Nyonya ) I was Chinese with Malay customs and traditions intertwined with the Chinese one. However, I did muster the courage to ask my grandaunt over the CNY dinner about my background.

Apparently, when Puteri Hang Li Por from China landed on Malaysian soil, ( it was called Tanah Melayu, then ) she brought with her a whole entourage consisting of maid-servants and soldiers and a few other not-so-important-in-my-story people. These soldiers took for themselves the local women ( who were the Malays ) as their wives. From this inter-marriage of the foreign Chinese and local Malays, we get the Straitsborn ( orang Peranakan ) tribe....if you can call it a tribe. This group of people flourished mainly in 3 states : Malacca, Penang and Singapore. Their customs were a rich mixture of Chinese and Malay influence. Till today, you can still see the 2 elements pervasive in their local tradition and practice. Back then, however, it wasn't necessary for the conversion of religion as well. So I have been spared of circumcision...which could have been a good thing for me:P

I also found out that my grand-uncle actually traced back his roots to the first generation of Mainland China Chinese who landed on Malaysian soil. He is the 7th generation. Therefore, with simple calculation, I am the 9th generation Chinese from Mainland China. That's a pretty long time.

All in all, I am a mix-ed kid. Not your typical Chin-dian or Chinese mix Orang Putih, but still mixed somehow.

At last!

Finally! I'm DONE with my Industrial Training! What a huge load of boredom of my back. I've never been one to be bored with anything. There's always something to look forward to. But, when I started work, I couldn't help but feel bored with my job. Guess my immunity is wearing thin. To be honest, the work was easy....just that it was way too repeated and monotonous.

I really do not understand why God placed me in this company. I'm still trying to find out. Maybe in time.

But there are some things/people that I will miss from my company.

For one, are my fellow interns from MMU Melaka. They'll be heading back...after 3 months being here in Cyberjaya. (btw, it's not too late to apply for campus transfer:P) Gonne miss you guys:( 3 months of being together really rubs on you.

Second, are the nice and friendly Supervisors and Team Leaders. They give out jobs mercilessly...but somehow, they're still kind. It's weird. Gonna miss the lunch breaks we used to have together.

Third and last, those 19-inch Flat LCD screen monitors:(


With ITP out of the way, I'm ready to celebrate the Chinese New Year. But, at the back of my mind, I know that my ITP report and presentation is just around the corner...not to forget, the return of the terrible FYP! *sigh*

Happy Ang-Pow collecting this year people!

Completion

3 MORE DAYS.... before I end my Industrial Training. Sounds like liberation? Close, but not so:) Most of my friends are already done with theirs. Some even 2 weeks ago. I still have to work. It kinda saps out the mood for working. bah!


On a better note. I'm almost done with my song. 95 % complete. Still a 5% to tweak and improve on. The best part, I manage to show it to my band mates and we jammed the song. Got an encouraging review. I thought I might as well put it up here. This is just the lyrics. I hope to put up the recorded song on here as well, but I need to learn how to go about it first.

Here goes:

Sitting in my room
Looking at the map of all the failures I’ve been thru
Seems like a theme park
Looking for answers I can’t seem to find
Is happiness this world offers
The most important kind

Life is for living
Life is for giving it all away
When the time comes around
Let the crumbs fall where they may
I’m starting again from here

I’m on my way to finding out that life’s not meant to be this way
I see your face smiling down on me
It’s gonna be just my day
Holding on to You
And everything that’s perfectly true
It’s time for me to fall again
Into catch-ful arms I know I will find
What I’m searching for

I hate it that I'm neither here, neither there
But You, you're everywhere
Feels like a dream I can’t wake out from
When everything seems meaningless there You are

I’m on my way to finding out that life’s not meant to be this way
Sometimes I think the future’s so bright
I gotta wear my shades
Holding on to You
And everything that’s perfectly true
It’s time for me to fall again
Into catch-ful arms I know I will find
What I’m looking for

That's about it for now. Hope it speaks something to you.
The sun is rising soon. Going to greet it:)

Ps: I really miss some of you terribly. You...Yes you!