reminder for today

I'm NOT ready!!!!

Battlefield journal : Entry 4

I have this notice board in my room back in Melaka that is cluttered up with all kinda things. I stepped into my room today and gave the board a glance. Out of all the papers stuck to the board, one tiny blue piece of paper stuck out. I walked closer to it to find that it was a piece of advice given to me by my youth pastor back in 1997. It says:

Remember these tips when you are facing trouble:

1.Hold steady when you are faced with the fire of trials. God is putting steel in your soul.

2.Know that God has your best interest at heart and He loves you.

3.Trust the Lord as he shapes you to be more like Jesus. God is faithful to complete the work He has begun in you.

4.Turn to God, not away from God when you go toe-to-toe with difficulties.

5.Expect God to work all things out for good, even though you can't imagine how that's possible.

As I read that, it touched my heart. It's 2005 already. This paper has been there for 8 years, and after this long, it finally spoke to me.

When I was given this piece of advice back in my schooling days, I had no problems. I'm serious! Everything was going well for me. Whatever obstacles that came my way quickly faded as soon as it sprouted. I was joyful all the time. I never had sadness or depression lasting longer than a day. I fully believed that I WILL not let the sun go down on any conflict. I made my peace before nightfall. All the other problems in life, I didn't have to face. So, for the first 18 years of my life, everything was great. I was able to focus on other people's problems. I was able to help them out. Coz, I was close to problem-free state. I understood pain, only to a certain extent. I understood depression, only in my studies. That's about it. It was a good thing for me. I was able to reach out to those hurting, and be there for them. Since I wasn't bogged down with problems, people could come to me and I could be there for them. So, the piece of paper still stuck on my notice board was not relevant to me then.

But today, as I looked hard at the paper, it was so clear to me why it had stayed on that board till now. After 8 long years, those words speak life to me. How come I've never noticed it before? Ever since I came into uni, my life has been a wave, tossing in the ocean. I've learnt so much, but I've also gone through so much. Such a price to pay for a decent education. I've asked God whether I really had to go through all this s*** to get His point. To learn what I need to survive. At this point in my life, everythings so messed up. Nothing is certain. All the clutter is getting to me. And I think God had to orhestrate all this for me to learn. Maybe He didn't do it. But He allowed it to happen. Maybe. It really sucks when you know you're up against God. You can't win. You can never fight against God and win. And that sucks! I'm learning to not be against Him, but for Him. To be on His side. It's taking awfully long.

I'm in a place where I can't run anymore. I'm in a corner where I know there is no escape. My only hope is surrender. That's what it is now. Coz whatever I do, I know I'm up against the unseen. Whatever I try to take into my hands, it's just too big for me to carry alone. I can struggle all I want, but I won't go anywhere, not even in a million years. I'm in that painful state of learning a hard lesson. To know that whatever you do will bring you nowhere, till you surrender. Doesn't that feel like crap? I'm here, facing God, knowing no matter how much I hate this, I have to surrender. Surrender to Him. To mold me into what He wants me to be. Like breaking a wild horse so that it can be of good use. It's good, but the process is not nice! Trust! That's something I'm here learning. Trust in God, Trusting God. All that. Trust! So hard!

I'm in that corner, apprehended. I've got no choice but to Surrender and then Trust. 2 simple words, yet so deep the implication. I'm struggling to grasp this. It's like holding on to the invisible.

God, help me.

CyberChristmas & NOC3

I'm back in Melaka typing this out. Feeling really sick. The cough and flu finally got to me. Could feel it coming. Darn!

It's been a hectic few days this past week. Tuesday was CyberChristmas '05. Wednesday was CyberChristmas Exhibition. Thursday was Night of Celebration 3 (NOC3). One thing after the other.

I gotta say that God deserves all the praise and glory for CyberChristmas. Until, the last moment, there were still alot of things that were not fully prepared due to the complications of trying to sync all 3 events together with the PA system and lightings. And there were lots of obstacles along the way. All of us were praying hard. And God proved to us once again that He will provide. And He did. At the end of the whole night, all that was in my heart was just praises to God. For only He could have made everything fall into place:) The play this year was awesome! I loved how Chern Liang videod the shots and how he used music to create the desired effect. I believe we have a famous movie director in the making:) It was the first time that I saw the completed play. Prior to this, all I saw was just bits and pieces. But as I sat there in the crowd, watching a new concept of play in action, part stage acting, part recorded acting, it was totally awesome. And the message about Jesus was so stright-forward! Like, IN YOUR FACE! To know what I mean, get a hold of the vcd, or maybe Dvd:P

As for the dance, it was perfect! I never could imagine anyone dancing to Dare You To Move by Switchfoot. But you guys did it. And it rocked. As for the other 2 songs, I was mesmerized by the complicated steps that took place. You guys did great!

Lastly, for the band! We did it! I'm proud of you guys! We pulled it of, by God's grace! Everything was excellent, maybe a lil slack due to my voice. But all in all, it was great!

NOC3 was another head-spinner! It was as good as last year, if not, even better. The team this year really did a tremendous job. Awesome! Too bad I can't put it all into words, so get a hold on the vcd:P I hope they have one;)

Now for some rest!

Battlefield journal : Entry 3

status : victory

Today, I gave up my 'drugs'. God, if You say so, I'll do it. This is really boggling me. As I discarded them, I felt I might need them someday, but I felt that if I don't give them up, God cannot work in me. If I depend more on my 'drugs' than on my God, what kinda faith is that?

When I am weak, You are strong. I'm learning to say this with conviction. I'm learning the art of obedience. God, with You, I can do all things. Help me through.

Battlefield journal : Entry 2

Status : defeat

Attacks came last nite. I was unprepared. The moment I ended my prayer, I was hit. God, somehow it feels funny that each time I pray for victory, the exact fearful situation happens, and I react to it...in the wrong way. I lose. I let the enemy's grip tighten. I pray for something, and the exact opposite happens. It's not getting easier. I have friends who stand with me, but for how long? They're human and soldiers like me. They can fall as I do. Where will my hope be then? God, I need You.

Faith fuels my passion to clinch this victory. As I lay in bed, I saw this poster that was given to me by joshua, that said : Faith sees the invisible, Believes the unbelieveable, & Achieves the impossible. And for a moment, I felt hope. I'm gonna win this battle over my life. Am I not in an impossible situation? Then, I need faith to see me through. Faith in a faithful God.

I'm still shaken by the after-effects. How could I have done what I did? It's not me to fall that way. But I did. I'm ashamed. God forgive me.

I'm learning from the Guidebook about the weapons of this warfare.

Ephesians 6:14-18
14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

I've read this so many times. It's time that I geared myself up. The enemy slumbers no more. As I put up a resistance, they know, and they want to break me down. I have to be constantly aware that every moment is a point of defeat or victory.

Battlefield journal : Entry 1

The New Year is here. But the aura of tragedy is thick in the air. The picture of thousands dead along the shoreline sickens me. This New Year saw me in a battlefield. A battle of my life. THE battle FOR my life. A war to claim back what was mine...what was ME. I'm unprepared. Ill-equipped. But here I am, fighting for my life, my freedom and my destiny. This year, I have a mission, to claim back my inheritance. To get back what the devil has stolen from me. To find what I was made for. Purpose.

This war I'm waging is against things that are intangible. I can't see it, but it coarse through my veins. It's a war againt me, to be ME! Confusing? What more me? I don't understand, God! It's all a blur to me. But, if You say so, I'll do it. If giving up this, and this and this, will allow You to do That, That and That...I'll do it. I believe Lord, help my unbelief. I'm weak, but You are my strength. I'm hopeless, You are my hope. My faith is on You.

1John 2:16
16For all that is in the world--the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life--is not of the Father but is of the world.

This are the 3 elements I'm up against, my 3 enemies that I have to conquer. The lust of the flesh. The lust of the eyes. The pride of life. Though only 3, they have summoned a vast army against me, within me. I'm overwhelmed. I'm weak. The irony of this battle, is a battle I'm waging against myself. A fight against me( the me without God) to be ME ( a God-centered life). It's a call to war that I have been putting on hold for a long time. The enemy has widened their territory in my life till there is little left of me. Their influence over my life is my mistake of not attacking earlier when the command was given. I live to face the consequences.

Ephesians 6: 10-13
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

This war is governed by the unseen. I have to use my heart, a weak one. It is so clear who's the mastermind behind the 3 elements.

I stand here not alone. I'm weak, but my God is Big. He has already won. I have to make Him proud. So much to accomplish.

A Soldier's Prayer

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked God for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for - but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am among men, most richly blessed.

Found on the body of a valiant Southern soldier, 1861-1865Known but to God

If I were taken away today, would I be known to have lived with passion?

God be with me.

Power in a Dream!

Blessed New Year everyone!

It's 2005 already, another year, another chance to live life.
It's time to LIVE, as always. Just being dramatic about the turn of the new year. So many resolutions to make, yet so hard to keep. I can't really remember exactly what my resolutions were last year. I went home for Christmas, and in my room, I saw this 1999 resolution still stuck on my notice board. Surprisingly, a lot of the resolutions of that year, are also resolutions I wanted to make this year. Meaning, I've not managed to accomplish them. sighZ. But life goes on. We make what me have to make.

I've learned a few things since I came to MMU, since I started attending Acts Church. And the one important thing is : Dreams!

Through a special people placed in my life, I've discovered that dreams are not just visuals you get when you are asleep. More than that, is the picture you see even with your eye open! I have this quote I made displayed on the start-up screen of my handphone; wake up and start dreaming!

Dreams is what drives us today, and fuels our tommorrow! Unknown to many, dreams are not nightly entertainments while we sleep. People who go far in this life, who have achieved more than possible, have moments where those dreams were birthed in their mind's eye. If you can dream it, you can achieve it. Dreams is what makes us delve into what others say impossible.

I've learnt the power in having a dream. I have found that all it takes to drive you further and further into your destiny, is just one simple dream. What more, if it is a G0d-given dream? God has placed dreams in each of our hearts. It's something that each of us have to discover. And seize it!

I'm still learning and finding more and more of myself, in the dreams that have been placed in my heart by God, even before I was born. It's a doscovery of a lifetime. I'm thinking some is impossible, some even frightening. I'm seeing some things differently, because if my dreams.

What are my dreams? I'm finding out.

Believe in your dreams, and you will discover who you are!

2004 fleeting

It's the last day of 2004. So much has happened. And 2005 awaits tommorrow. To some sadist out there, 2005 is just another year. To me, I like new things. Don't we all? I like 2nd chances. Though each year repeats over and over again, like a brand new day, except it takes way longer, 365.25 days to be exact, I still look forward to New Year's Day. It reminds me of 2nd chance. It reminds me of redemption. It signifies a new phase of my life. Well, in retrospect, here's 2004 at a glance, for me (i tried putting it in order, but some are just random slottings):

-started this blog. on the 10th of Jan, it'd be a year old.
-discovered Switchfoot, and told myself before all the hype that this band is gonna make huge waves. and it did!
-had a sweet valentine. after year's finally had the chance to celebrate Valentine's Day with someone special.
-served in the CFMMU committe as worship director. was a CG leader before this. Kinda gave me perspective to the work i'm doing now.
-pierced my ear. as a reminder for something.
-played for Knil Army. now a part of Knil Army.
-colored my hair the color of copper.
-contemplated of shifting back to Melaka. finally didn't.
-organized IF Camp 2004. was Camp Commander. totally rocked!
-went to Kuching, Sarawak for fun with a bunch of crazy people. spent a week on foreign soil.
-went to Kuching, Sarawak, again for GIG Kuching together with AYA. we rocked Kuching!
-accidentally shaved my lips. ouch!
-got closer to some people in church.
-met some really nice juniors. really appreciate their friendship.
-discovered Loopy Meals.
-read the complete set of The Chronicles of Narnia.
-read John Grisham's, The Pelican Brief.
-read Nicholas Evan's The Horse Whisperer.
-read Single and Loving it.
-read 3 of John Irving's novels : The World According to Garp, A Widow for One Year and A prayer for Owen Meany. Superb novels.
-celebrated NoSpaceBarDAy!
-went for one performance of the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra.
-went for 2 plays by the Actor's Studio Bangsar : Election Day and Little Violet.
-went for the Nokia presents Starlight Cinema twice.
-watched Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ.
-met a real Jesus Freak.
-failed 3 papers in all. not proud of it, but it's a reminder to work harder.
-started 'rubber band'. dunno what happened to it now.
-met up with an old Pakistani friend. Now we're really close buds. Can't wait to see him.
-met another kewl dude from Mozambique. he is awesome.
-became 21!
-celebrated my 21st birthday with my family.
-got trashed for being 21.
-got meself a digital camera.
-got Hero, the new dog.
-played for Relax.Fm in CF.
-got betrayed.
-discovered grace.
-drove all the way to taiping and back, within 12 hours for someone very special. furthest i've ever driven.
-organized a family trip to Ipoh.
-visited an orphanage, Rumah Trinity. this will not be my last visit:p
-celebrated Christmas with my family.
-got a new watch for Christmas, after getting a watch for someone else:)
-attended 2 debates from the Worlds 2005 tournament. a historical milestone for MMU.
-reading Darlene Zsech's Kiss of Heavan.

there's so much more I can't recall. But if I remember, I'll post it up.

Goodbye 2004. 2005, Welcome!

to the lift...fare thee well

As I type this, I'm making a mental note that this will probably be the last time I'm writing about you. You've been part of my life for a long time, but I think that I can't stand here waiting for the lift on the ground floor to go up any longer. If the lift fails, there's always the stairs. And even if the stairs aren't there, there's other building blocks with lifts and stairs that I can go to. I need to go up, one way or another. I need to ascend this life. Scale it like a rock-climber if I must. The need to get higher to smell fresher air is forcing me to leave this lobby that I love very much. It's sad to have to walk out the main entrance and leave this lobby-in-repair, till...I don't know when...maybe never. I shudder at the thought. My dreams...My hopes...My future...My life...

I picture myself, packing up all my baggages, furnitures, some lil' treasures, my clothes and some other personal belongings that, over time, I've accumulated to make my stay at the lobby a bit more comfortable, while waiting for the lift to go up. But, cob-webs are sprouting all over the place from lack of dynamics. The lift ain't moving anywhere. I guess I'll just take my valuables and my priced posessions with me. I'll leave the rest of the things behind, so that the next passenger after me might have less trouble getting comfortable. I see my belongings slung over my shoulders, as I slowly walk to the entrance, now, the exit for my departure. I stop to take one last look. The lift still looks beautiful, as always. The make-do furniture and surrounding around the lift looks enticing. Looks like home, but doesn't feel like one. So perfect, yet so lacking. I think, maybe I'll come back here one day. Maybe. I want to! But...I don't know if i'll ever make the trip to this monumental place again. I don't know. You don't know. I miss you.

A yellow taxi's waiting for me. The driver looks agitated, like he's high on caffeine. I want to stay a second longer, as if my longing thoughts can cajole the lift into operating again, to take me someplace, other than this ground floor. Somewhere up and high. I hear him honking. I know I have to, even if I don't feel I want to. I load all my luggage into the back seat. I take a last look again. My heart breaks. From a distance, the lift still looks beautiful, as always, but all my left-behind belongings all look shabby and discolored. That's how long I've been here. Other's have walked by, other's have stopped for a drink. I've always been. But maybe my expiry date is running thin. If only I could promise that I'll come back one day. If only I could promise that I'll do what I can to make this beautiful lift take flight again, to go up, like it was made to be. I can't.

I get into the front seat. I'm worried. The driver beside me looks like he's gonna kill me for making him wait for so long. I muster the strength for one last look. Then I know what I have to do. I'll be back...maybe. But I look forward, and signal for the driver to go. His anticipation makes me sick. Why can't he understand that I want him to drive off slowly, like in the movies. Here, he's speeding like the devil after him, tearing the roads, as if for my safety he's trying to take me away from you. Now maybe I understand his anxiety.

Goodbye, I finally managed to whisper.

I wind down the window, and let a letter I was holding all this while, fly away, carried by the rushing wind.

I says:

dear you,

You asked me to understand you. I tried. I failed. But did you understand me? Did you hear me? Did what I ever said matter to you? Why do hurt me? Why are my tears still flowing. I tried all I can to make you happy and proud. I gave my best, and I would give even more. I'd give anything. I kept away things that made you sad. But why are you hurting me? What did I do to you to deserve this? Did I not prove myself worthy enough? Did I not prove myself capable enough? Why'd you let your heart be swayed by another, even when you know I loved you deeply. Why did u cheat on me? I was faithful to you. Why didn't you understand? Little things count to me. I was always there for you. But where were you? I feel so stupid and wasted. You brought me so much joy and happiness, yet you also brought me pain and sorrow. What did I do to deserve you? Is it so difficult to walk beside me and be the one to count on? The view of your back is beautiful, but it hurts to see the velocity of our strut so vastly different. Is it so detestable to look at me, when all I needed was an assuring smile? Was it expansive to call when I needed to hear the voice? Is it that predictable to be with me, when I needed your affection? You know what hurts me, and you still do it. Why? Why are you so insensitive? Why do you always say you know before the words leave my mouth? Can't I voice out my thoughts and opinions to you? I trust you enough to let you know what's really going on inside. I trust you enough till it hurts. No one else knows deeper. Why are you so quick to don't give a damn? Why are you so quick to give up? Why does it feel like I'm the only one trying to make the balance? Why do I drop everything aside to be there for you? Why am I placed on your waiting list when there's an emergency. Why do you flirt with others, when I'm still here for you? Am I a look-good furniture? Am I a plan B? Am I a no-choice decision? Why? Why?Why? You say, but you don't do. You promise, but it breaks. You tell me that it's just something, but you let it grow to something else. Why? You told me that it's just being friends, but i've seen one good apple turn bad. And I don't one to see another one turn bad too. If you say so, I'll try to believe you. But once bitten, twice shy. You've hurt me, not just once, but time and time again. But why do I still trust you? Why do I still believe? Why do you do things behind my back? Why am I still so honest with you? Maybe rite now, you might be thinking, that you don't give a damn anymore, just as I predicted. Don't you appreciate my gifts to you? Big and small. I walk in the mall, I think of you. Everywhere I go, I think of you. But you tell me you miss me, only when you see me. If I'm absent from your life for a month, will I be forgotten and replaced like coasters on the table?If you lose sight of me for a moment, will you be like a mirror that holds no lasting memory? I miss you. I love you.

ps: I wish I could usher in the new year with you. But I can't. I've got other priorities now. The pain of last year's new year is still fresh in my mind. After so long, it still hasn't subsided. I wish you well.

love,
me

I try to forget the contents of pathetic letter as it gets lifted into the air. I try. But it haunts me. The faces of the others haunts me too. This is the life I have to live. This is the fear I have to give. The closing of this year ends with a crash. My dreams...My hopes...My future...My life... I miss you.

'X' mas ???

Just wondering...I'm not being narrow-minded or religious, but why X'mas?
Ever wondered why?
I've seen it all over the place, even some churches use it on their brochures.
I've asked around, and here are some answers i got.

-'Christ'mas is too long a word to fit in anywhere, so 'Christ' is shortened to just an 'X'. The 'X' bearing the sign of a cross...or so they say...u think so?
-'Christ' is a offensive to some people, so in order to censor the reason for the season, while still enjoying the season, they kinda cut out 'Christ', and dropped an 'X' in there. so, 'X' mas.

I don't really know exactly, but I'll let you figure it out for yourself. But think again before you put an 'X' on any card or anywhere else...

Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

and a

Blessed New Year!!

Jesus, the reason for the season.

the encounter

I remember how God met me...at the Youth Camp.

Before the Youth Camp, I was reviewing my life, and I felt I lacked God's presence. I wanted what so many other great men of God have: that dwelling presence of God in their life, where God's tangible presence is there with them all the time. They set foot to a room of people, and the people around them can feel God's presence in them. That's what I asked God for. I asked Him for His dwelling presence once again in my life.

As I went to camp, I didn't have any preconceived ideas of how camp was gonna be like. If God wanted to touch me there, so be it. In the 1st session, Pastor Kelvin spoke about God's dwelling presence. I thought...what a heavenly coincidence. He spoke about how the dwelling presence of God evokes God's favour on our life. I know I need God's favour. To walk in humility, to let God have His way in me. He also said that God's dwelling presence also evokes changes. Change is one thing I desperately need. In my current situation, I can see the ugly part of me surfacing. I don't like what I'm becoming. I can't bear to see me transform into something the opposite of what Jesus wants me to be. And therefore, I need a change in my spirit, a change in my perception, a change in my proirities, a change in my life! I needed God's dwelling presence badly. And the 3rd thing he said that God's dwelling presence evokes enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is something that I'm drifting away from. I used to be enthusiastic about life. Now, it's just a drag. I needed God's presence in my life again. To be excited for this life He has created for me. How I desperately needed God's dwelling presence in this life of mine.

When people hurt enough, they have to change
When people learn enough, they want to change
When people receive enough, they are able to change

Then, there was a night at camp, when I felt suddenly felt depressed and alone. Everyone else was asleep, but I was up on the rooftops fighting in my spirit. I felt sad and burdened with the troubles that was clouding my life. I asked God: Where are you? I questioned Him. I challenged Him. I wanted to know where was He. I was just ranting and crying out to God for awhile. I looked out into the dark sky, hopeing that God would show Himself to me. The point of frustration just made me believe that something's gonna happen as I intently stared out into nothingness. But nothing happened. Tiredness got over me. And soon, I had to surrender to my sleep. I was disappointed, that God didn't 'show up' like I expected Him to.

Early the next morning, I arose, and the first thing that came to mind was to read my bible. Just a gentle prodding. So I did. I didn't know where to turn to, so I let the many bookmarks in my bible randomly select a page. And it was somewhere in Psalms. And it was no other than Psalms 139. As far as I can recall, I have never held dearly to this Psalm before to want me to permanently lodge a bookmark there for future reference. It must have been God's divine appointment. But here I was, this particular morning, after all my night's questing God. And this is what God spoke to me through Psalms 139.

I asked God : Where are You? What can't I feel You? Are You even there? Do You even care?

He answered : Psalms 139

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

2You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off.

3You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.

4For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.

5You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.

7Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?

8If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

9If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.

11If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"Even the night shall be light about me; 12Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb.

14I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.

15My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

16Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.

17How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!

18If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.

19Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God! Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.

20For they speak against You wickedly; Your enemies take Your name in vain.

21Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?

22I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies.

23Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties;

24And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

I was awe-struck. How could such a big God take notice of me? How could He know the anguish in my heart. But He understood. Just amazing. I can't contain it. It is too mind-blowing. That God actually answered me what I needed to hear.

The next day, I told God, that I needed to hear from Him again. I still had struggles within. And as I was praying that, Pastor Kelvin said he wanted to pray for me. And God used him to speak to me. What he prayed for, was directed at what was going on inside of me. I never told Pastor Kelvin anything, but he prayed as if he knew exactly what was going on in my heart. I knew, it wasn't his knowledge, but God's revelation.

I praise You, God! Blessed be Your wondrous name. Amen!

the 2nd home

Finally back here in Cyberjaya - feel's great to be 'home'! Where the air sucks ( dust with whatever crap ), and the lack of proper edible food, and all that mumbo-jumbo...but, no doubt, it's great to be back here. This has been one of my longest absence from this place, close to 3 weeks. What I miss about this place, is the people! Cyber would be totally different if not for the beautiful people that surround my life. Thank you! As I stepped out of the car and walked into the corridor of the appartments, I felt like I was at a holiday resort or something. I guess it's the detergent they use to wash the floors. Dunno! But I had a sudden excitement to be back. I really don't know what's in store, but I was excited.

Can't say that I'm much excited now, but the beginning of the new trimester always look optimistic to me.

This holidays has been much spent with my family. It's one rare holiday for me, coz I spent nearly the whole 3 weeks, with the exception of my youth camp, with them. Since I came to Cyber, I've hardly been home, not to mention, 'missing' most of my family vacation. This time round, I made a point to spend whatever free time with my family. Time's really flying. My sisters are growing up, no longer the cude cudlly babes anymore. My parents are getting older too. It's been so fast. And I forsee I won't be home much longer once I start working here in KL. My youngest sis really misses me. And I feel bad, that as she's growing up, I can't be there for her:( How I want so much to see her thru her primary skooling years. But now I'm just a passing shadow at home, when the holiday comes, and if I come back at all. I really miss her. My affections are really spent on her. I miss the way she tells me she will miss me when I go back to Cyber, days before I even go back. My parents- giving their best to make sure I have a good life. I owe them so much! I really hope I can repay them one day...as for now, my aim is to graduate and get a good job. That's family. That's home. My physical expression of a refuge. At home, I'm accepted as who I am. I'm a hero no matter what I've done or achieved. I'm loved.

I thank God for my family. We've sufficient to get thru. We've enough love to go around. I thank God for every little things that has kep my family together. And I continually thank God that my mum is still alive and well. I nearly lost her to cancer 11 years ago. But God has completely healed her. Amen! And God is still doing a work in her life. She's been my pillar of strength, even when I don't know it. She's the woman of prayer behind every task I undertake. Her prayer's march forth, before I even lay my hands on the plough. I thank God for her. As for my dad, he's the quiet man, when he has to be. He's calmness reflects the strength within. HE provides more than I can ask for. Self-sacrificing, to raise this family to where it is. I'm indebted to such a man. I love my family, though the flaws are there. It's these minor flaws that make this union stand out and be unique. God has truly blessed this family, and I hope I can be a blessing to those who don't have this privilege.

This holuday, I arranged for my family to visit Ipoh. Why Ipoh? I don't know. I guess I wanted a change...every year, it's been either Port Dickson or KL or The shores of pahang. Time for change...time to head north! It was an awesome trip. We were there 3 days. WE bought whatever we wanted to buy, ate what we came to eat, and found and conquered the Lost World of Tambun. It was totally relaxing:)

Now, back to my life. What's it gonna be?I really don't know. I need to reflect and see what I've achieved.

Welcome to my life!

backwards

Sometimes, you begin to see things differently. from another angle, perspective, whatever you choose to call it. But it's so easy to fall in the trap of viewing things the same way we've been doing all the while. We tell ourselves : no looking back! Somehow, a rear-view mirror always comes in handy, to look back, when we fasten our necks in place to look only forward. ironic isn't it?

learn from history
or
be history

Gateway Youth Camp 2004

So fast, and it's already mid-way through the trimester holidays. So many things been buzzing by, that I can hardly take it all in. I just got back from my youth camp, bout 2 days ago...ok, make that 3 days ago...and tomorrow I'll have to buzz off to KL already. It's my family holiday:) KL, then Ipoh, then back to KL again, then Melaka. At times like these, I wish MMU had months and months of holidays. Coz rite now, I'm just cramming my holidays as much as I can:p Not much of resting and reflecting.

H'anyways, something about my youth camp:

I didn't even know my annual youth camp was coming up. When my mum told me about it, I was way past the due date. But, just for kicks, I decided to go. Had to pay the late regis-crap stuff also.

A bit of history pertaining to youth camps: I've been attending my church's youth camp since I was in form 1, back in 1996. And I've faithfully attended every single camp except last years. That makes 7 camps in all. I've seen changes taking place...people come and go...and whatever that needs notice of. I've also seen the seniors in the youth grow up together and get married and have kids. I've seen the juniors who were lil' kids like this high ( knee-level ), grow up to teenage punks who love God. I feel old already:P So many changes, and still I have a heart for the youth in Melaka. Somehow, after all the hype here in KL and the excitement here in Acts Church, I still have a certain sense that I need to go back to Melaka someday and do something in the youth fellowships here.

This camp, I was one of the oldest dudes there. There were about 40+ campers, with 30+ guys and 10 girls. More than half of the campers were under the age of 15. That kinda reflects the age margin with the 'kids' and me:P Thankfully, I had my own 'gang' to keep me company. We were the remnants of the 'oldies' of the youth group. Most of us are in uni now, but somehow, we were at camp, more of helpers instead of participators. I helped out most of the time. And other than that, we-the 'oldies'- hung out. I also had the privilege of meeting the younger ones. My roomate was this 12 year old kid. Eventhough the age gap is so big, we still bonded quite well. That means to say, I can get along well with kids, or it could simply mean that I haven't grown up yet:P

In most camps, I've been the organizing committee or something like that, which requires me to run here and there and do this and that. Not this camp! This time, I just relaxed like any other camper. No meetings and meet-ups. Just me and the rest of the 'gang'. Quite relaxing in a way. Made me miss those few early years of camp, before I got involved organizing it. What's sentimental about this camp is the campsite. It was in Seminary Teoloji Malaysia (STM) in Seremban. 5 years ago, in 1999, We had our youth camp at this same place, with the Rev. Pastor Christopher Long as our camp speaker. 5 years in the present, we're here again, with Pastor Kelvin Sim as out speaker. He's currently based in Johor, but was formerly from Melaka. The place brings back lots of memories. *sweet*. The camp layout is pretty unique. And this time round, there were 3 camps going on simultaneously. One camp was some Bible Discovery camp by Scripture Union. Another camp was the School-Leavers camp, by SUFES and the 3rd camp was my very own youth camp. Boy, was it crowded! Not to forget, of all places to bump into, I bumped in Annette and Uncle Vincent Pee there. Apparently they were their camp facilitators. Nice to see them:) According to Annette, the School-Leavers camp had bout 30 girls and only 13 guys...the direct opposite ratio of my camp. Sighz. sad! If only they had a 'camp-exchange' program, that would just be so awesome. Unfortunately for me and my buds, we had to 'check-out' God's beautiful creations of the other camp during meal times; all meals were more or less synchronised at the same time and the same place. Pathetic!

H'anyways, the crappy thing I missed coz I was on the phone was the games on the 1st day:p Those jokers had some crazy idea of using tofu, ( yes yes, the white stuff we eat whenever we go for Yong Tau Fu ) as a substitute to flour and eggs. Halfway through the game, war broke loose, and white tofu was flying everywhere. 100+ tofus were strewn all over the floor and miserably obliterated to a substance close to dust, more like goo. I came in time only to see the mess and I helped clean it up. Pros: I was clean while my buds were messed up with that white crap. Cons: I missed the fun of wasting tofu to bits. Tofu's are not as harmless as you think. They're a lot harder to clean up and will turn a blackish shade of yellow if left overnite in the drain.

see for youself:p

Besides chilling with my buds, the entertainment for camp was a babies. There were a few babies at camp, but this one's the cutest. At times like this, I wish I had kids, ( that definitely don't need cleaning up and feeding:p). Just couldn't resist posting his cute pic up. Look at him, and tell me if you could resist playing with that lil' guy;)


This is the product of seniors in the youth fellowship getting married:) When I met this kid's parents, they just finished schooling. I was a kid myself then. Now look at him! Look at me! I feel old:P Wonder when's my kids gonna come;)

This is the pic of another kid...also a product of another married couple, formerly from my youth group. *chemistry*

This year's camp had a peculiar theme compared to most years:

God manage to get His message across to me. And I knew I wasn't at this camp by accident. I was there fore a reason. Something God wanted me to listen and learn. I was hungry to meet God, and He came. I am hungry for the Word. And I'm watchig the tides rise...preparing to plunge in and swim. God take me deeper! There's got to be more than this!
The details of my encounter will be kept for some other time. But God did come and meet me. And I'm learning to see the mistakes that I've made and the steps I need to take. There's more to this live that I have to live. God's not done with me yet.


me and my 12 year old room-mate. the kid in me lives on!



some of the kids and me:) I feel my youth group has so much potential just waiting to explode!


me and some of the oldies. hope our legacy lives on!









my hand at photography...with the limited camera I have.

A journey with my family begins tommorrow. I shall not keep them waiting with my lack of sleep. To KL, Ipoh and beyond!

not strong

I wrestle
I struggle
The tide that should not be
Seems like I'm up against an element
Similar to time
Irreversible
Unchangeable
I'm not geared up as I'm supposed to be
Where's my courage?
Where's my faith?
God, I know you're there
I need You
Desperate
Not moving
Stagnant in the comfort of loneliness
Passion-less
Restore the devastation
Of what the locust have eaten
What the enemy has stolen
If You can use anything, Lord
Use me
I echo the voice of others
I'm not strong
But I have God

c.o.u.n.t

*count*

how Lord?
why Lord?

1..
2..
3..
4..
5..
6..
7..
8..
9..
10..

the strategy for now

Discarded

discarded
a dream of many dreams to be
if i lay it down
will it come back to me?
will never know
but do what i have to
i keep dreaming
of other dreams
and of destiny
if it comes back
Lord, You've kept it
for me

Pepsi X

thinking about why I can't sleep... I think the Pepsi X I bought to keep me awake during my drive back, finally is kicking in....a few hours too late! I bought something to keep me up and energised so I wouldn't fall alseep on my drive back, and Pepsi X was all they had. But I was feeling tired then...but now...NO! darn...I'm still awake! Stupid Pepsi X...so much for thinking it was insomnia. (imagining the advertisement for Pepsi X ; the ongoing rave party)

less than 12 hours...topped with insomnia

*insomniac at the moment*

Looking back at my skooling days, I've changed in lots of ways. Some good, some bad. H'anyways, I've become more spontaneous and less ....urm... the word is swimming somewhere in my head, can't seem to fish it out... oh yeah, conservative. I used to think and think and then think again about doing something, which is good, but after awhile, all the thinking holds you back from actually doing anything worthwhile. This impulsive behaviour has benefitted me in several ways, as well as left me in s***holes. I've learnt to live life on the tide, just going with the flow...but,of course, I know the importance of making the right choice and not going with the flow all the time. I've tasted some really enriching experiences, and endured some terrible ones.

For a special friend's birthday, I thought kewl, maybe I could send her home to celebrate with her family. It was a spontaneous decision. I did give it a deep thought...considered all the options...and...ok, went for the idea. A drive close to 300km away from 'home' for a stay of barely 12 hours. The experience: priceless!
Considering that this will be my longest and furthest drive ever, I was a lil excited and tensed. I packed and just went. It was a fleeting moment. The 12 hours flew by faster than a blink. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I had to be home soon (like a good momma's boy). The place has a nostalgic effect on me. Sentimentalism reaches another high. Even the air feels fresher, not to mention the atmosphere just makes time come close to a stand still. Well, even the oranges, taste something......better than oranges!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Though I travelled so far, I could hardly sleep that nite in that place. I don't know why. I had another 3 hours drive the next day, still I couldn't bring myself to sleep. When I finally slept, it was time to go already. Supposed to leave at 7am, but overslept, and left only bout 9am. The morning air is so much fresher and cleaner than our sucky, Cyberjaya air. so much of this suck! I left with a heavy heart, but I gotta do what I gotta do. miss you.

The drive was long...though how fast I sped (still within the speed limit:p) Was praying i didn't fall asleep. Thank God I reached back to Cyberjaya safe. Was listening to sermon messages all the way. Here's the tricky part. Reached Cyberjaya at 12pm. Supposed to pack and head back to Melaka at 1pm. But I slacked, so I left only bout 2pm....and I was tired already from the previous driving. Before I dozed off on the road...I popped in a sermon tape by Ps Sandra...I awoke immediately. My conclusion from this journey, if you wanna stay up on a long drive but u're tired...stay off the road. But if you really can't, put on an exuberant speaker on. It makes a world of difference than putting on u're favourite band or something with music.

Back in Melaka now...with less than 6 hours of sleep the nite before and about 6 hours on the road...i still can't sleep:( must be insomnia kicking in. Supposedly, I should have been knocked out without mercy on my bed rite now...but here I am typing this. Where's the Valium when I need it?

Hope you have a great birthday alrite:) God bless you! Keep dreaming big!