I cut it off!

This event took place on the 3rd of August but I didn't have the time to blog about it. For those of you who've met me in the past one year, most of you would probably have noticed a few strands of hair all tied up sticking out from the right-back side of my head. But there are those few who've been with me and yet not notice it at all....till I trimmed my hair shorter....and then you would hear their exclaims of it being there.

Padawan, Obiwan-abe, whatever you would want to call it, I call it, the 'tail'. It's been with me for slightly more than a year and I admit I've grown pretty fond of it. So, to cut it off really took some amount of guts and letting go.

It was last June that I decided to sport this new hair-do, trimming off my long black hair to suit a spikier look, yet, having the tail to just, 'be different'. It was so short back then, nothing more than 5cm. It was difficult to plait. It stood out even more and caught alot of people by surprise. For a moment, I liked the attention, but it became a norm after a while.

A year passed with me having to go for job interviews and final year project presentations with my tail. I didn't really care, cause I was still a student. Working adults could forgive me for that.

Not until this August. I had an interview for Shell IT for a contract position. I really wanted to work for Shell no matter what. If I couldn't get into their graduates programme, I would take up a contract job and somehow find myself as a permamnent staff in a year. That was my plan. I so wanted to make a good impression on the interviewer that I took the bold step to part with my 'tail'. It wasn't easy; Over a years worth of memory in it. But for Shell, I would take this sacrifice. First impressions do make the difference. I took some pictures to remind me of how it was. I had hopes of re-doing this hairstyle again if my future job allows me a slack in attire and looks. I'd resurrect the 'tail'.

The day before the Shell interview, I carefully cut off the tail and had a decent hair cut. Alas, to my dismay, Shell said the job wasn't suitable for me....whatever that means. In life, I've got to learn to face rejections. So...no biggie... It hurt for a bit....I felt that cutting off my tail was in vain...I didn't get the job. Maybe this is just not the path I'm to take. I did pray for God to open the right doors and close the unsuitable ones.

This parting of the tail strongly signifies my transition of a student, to a young working adult. It's time to change my perception towards some things. It's time to develop a new mindset. It's time to grow-up and be a man.

First month of the hair cut last June

Just prior to the 'circumcision'








What's left of it

Why

Why can't you understand me?
Why do I kill myself each time to make myself be understood?...heard...
Why don't you take the trouble to know?
Why don't you try?..harder...
Why can't you see that I'm giving all I can?
Why can't you see I'm desperately trying?
Why can't you see I'm hurting myself to get to you?
Why can't you let go and mean it?
Why can't you hold on and believe it?
Why can't you be there? here?
Why do you get jealous? When I don't mean as much to you?
Why do you say you would....and don't.....
Why do you misunderstand all the good intentions?
Why is there a double standard?
Why do you want me to be there?
Why can't you hear?... listen
Why can't you make me proud?
Why can't you be happy for me?
Why ?

Why do I hold on?
Why am I still here?
Why can't I let go?
Why is my arms so ready to catch you as you fall?
Why do I miss you?
Why am I still hoping?
Why can't I fall into catchful arms.......

Lord, this so sucks...

Fear

As I sit here typing this, I feel heavy and burdened inside. I feel restless. Like, what next? And I'm anticipating something to happen...but at the same time I fear. Being a fresh graduate, a world of opportunities, so they say. I think there is so many options ahead for me. But which one? I do not doubt that I'll get a job. I know I can. But why do I feel afraid? Why the anxiety? I think I really need something to do to get my mind off this. I wake up every morning feeling free...and yet, empty. Questions like what am I going to do today comes up. During a semester break, it's totally fine because I know that when the holidays are over, I got classes again. There is purpose.

Now I don't know what's my purpose. Not just purpose, but Purpose. I wake up with 1001 things in mind that I can do. But which will be the right thing for the day? Maybe I'm just too inward looking. But I just can't seem to see clear at the moment.

I don't have the right spirit...Maybe I'm at a point where I'm afraid of committments...of any kind. I just don't want to be tied down by anything. Maybe I'm not ready to settle down. Or in other words, change. Getting a job and starting work requires a change in lifestyle. No more late nights...no more skipping sessions whenever I like...no more sleeping in when I feel like it. In a sense, no more freedom to do as I like. This has got to end soon.

A few weeks back, I felt I wasn't ready for work. More than half my friends are already working. Some have been working for a month already. There seems to be a seamless transition from university to working world. On the other hand, I have friends who do not intend to find jobs till September. And here I am in between. I pressure myself to look for one, when half of me is not ready. My parents aren't pressuring me to work yet, but I don't understand why do I feel the need to secure a job before anything else.

I need a closure for this chapter of my university life. Still haven't found it. Still trying to write an end to it. I don't want to start the next phase of my life with unfinished business here in university. It would just be excess baggage, that would accumulate and bring about a sense of unfulfilment later on. I cannot afford that regret. If I want to move on, I need to end this phase well. Then only carry on.

The next question is, what do I really want? Thinking about it, I don't know actually. This is the biggest issue. If I knew what I wanted, I would have an idea of where to go. But now, it's square one. I need some sort of directions. I used to know what I want. But over the years, I've been exposed to more things and I realised there's more to this life than I know of. I'm confused.

This are just the thoughts that go through my head all the time in the reent days. The things that trouble me....

Lord, I need directions in my life...

The Road Trip

Procrastination is my hobby nowdays. I've been wanting to make an entry for sometime now, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I think age is also catching up. I seem to be tired and sleepy most of the time.

Anyways, I did get to go for my roadtrip. After my exams, I was geared for the Philippines. When I couldn't go, it felt as if my eveready-to-go 'engine' had to be left on idle mode. All my other friends had either started working or gone for their holiday. I was looking forward to mission work/ holiday in Baguio and Manila. The next plan after Philippines was supposed to be a holiday in Penang with some classmates. But that too was cancelled, as the organizer had become broke. So here I was stuck in Cyberjaya, bored out of my skull with the urge to shoot somebody if the scenario didn't change. I still had expectations. I was supposed to have been places by now.

My big break came. Cut the long story short, my trip was like this:

Alor Setar->Penang->Taiping->Ipoh->Cyberjaya->Melaka

Most of the places I went was less than 24 hours. Each stop was to eat and sleep and move on to the next. From Alor Setar to Penang ( a span of 3 days ), I had 3 plates of oysters, 1 fresh oyster, 1 plate of balitong and 1 plate of lala. By the time I reached Taiping, I was down with a terribly funky stomach and fever. In Taiping, I was dragging myself across town just trying to hold everything in. In Ipoh, I promised that my Input rate would be higher than my Output. I wouldn'y let this trip be in vain. The Dim Sum in Ipoh tasted better:)

Some of the interesting things I encountered along this trip:

-my friend would eat shit, literally for RM 50,000. When he becomes a millionaire, he's going to pay people RM 50,000 to eat his shit.
-I saw the brother of Lee Sin Jie ( Actress for The Eye, Koma and Re-Cycle ) eating at a hawker center in Alor Setar.
-I can de-seed a whole Nangka fruit.
-Alor Setar hasn't changed much since I was there 12 years ago.
-30-50 sen nasi lemak still exists.
-Sitting a ferry brings out the little boy in me.
-My ex-housemate actually talks!
-I used to hate oysters, but now I love them.
-A cruel prank to play at Northem Point: go from stall to stall and order food and tell them you're sitting on Table ....(place number here) and then go back.
-Dvds are as cheap as 3 for RM 10 in Penang. Or 7 movies in one dvd for RM 15.
-I discovered the BEST Chi Cheong Fun in Penang. Nothing else comes close to it.
-I also tasted the BEST Wan Tan Mee and Popiah with Laksa sauce. And the Oyster with egg.
-Taiping is still a slow-going town.
-Finally enjoyed Lau Di Fang at nite.
-I saw the Cat-Lady.
-We toasted to our future, and to a lovely couple.
-I succumbed to joining 6 others in a Karaoke Box singing Rock DJ for RM 1. ( the kind of tiny box with a tv and av system )
-Astro is bad...no....evil!! I had Astro for breakfast, brunch, lunch, tea, dinner and supper.
-BAD TOFU!! I can't imagine sane people eating 'chou tofu', or in English, Stinking Tofu. I wasted RM 2 just to torture my taste buds.
-People would actually eat Stinking Tofu.
-The desire to eat is stronger than being sick and staying in bed.

Now it's back to reality once again. No more holidays......Time to face reality.

The verdict is....

I PASSED!!!

Praise The Lord!!!

This means, I get to GRADUATE!!! All that last bit of effort really paid off...though it came with a price. After sitting for the same paper the 4th time, it's finally over!

Now, it's out into the working world...and of course, the long-awaited convocation.
This also means, the end of university life, unless of course, I take my Masters.

But for now, I'm exhilarated that I passed! When I think about it, this graduation is so much sweeter, because of all the hardship I had to go through just to make it. The important thing is, I made it! But, I didn't do it on my own. If not for God, I would still be sludging through all this man.

Once again, praise the Lord!

Day 13: It is over

They arrived back safely, each one of them.
I still smiled.
I was happy for them.
I mamak-ed with them.
Wactched a game of world cup with them.
Heard their stories.

Somehow, it didn't ache as bad as I thought.
God is good.

Day 12 : Like a thorn in the flesh

Today would be the team's second last day in the Philippines. Since the weekend, I haven't heard any news from them. Don't know what prayer needs they need. Sometimes I forget that they even went.

They should be touching Malaysian soil about 8.20pm tomorrow. Since before the weekend, I haven't had any contact with them. I managed to overcome the pain and the hurt. And somehow found other things to focus my attention to. I felt good for a while. But just getting into contact with them to plan out their return plan, brought back alot of painful memories. It was a flashback of all the things that could have. I thought I was all right. I thought I was strong again. But in a split instant, I was feeling where I was when the team left. It should have been me. Those thoughts keep coming back.

I don't know if they'll ever understand the feeling of being left behind. 'Why Me?' questions keep popping up. I'm shredded to an emotional mess again. A part of me still wants to meet them up at the airport to welcome them back tomorrow. But a part of me feels that I would break down and cry when I did see them. I really do not know how the whole scenario would be like. I think about it all, and it freaks me out. My meeting them at the airport will be accompanied with intense emotions. I hope I can handle it all. I hope I would be strong enough to put up a cheerful face. I hope I can forget that I wasn't supposed to be part of the team. All hopes. What happens when reality sets in? I wonder how it would feel like as they tell all their stories while I just listen? I don't know. I pray I have enough grace to carry this out.

Lord, help me to let go....of this....

Day 11 : It's Monday

It's been 4 days after my papers. Life is a lot easier now. But I'm still seeking purpose. I'm waiting for the results. There is so much to do. Don't quite know where exactly to start. Been trying to start somewhere, though.

It's been about 2 weeks since this whole ordeal started, with me getting the news of my failure. 2 Weeks later, it feels like it was just yesterday, yet as if it never happened. When I really want to think of it, it feels like just yesterday I was down and feeling out. But when I let my mind wander, it's as if the whole thing never happened. It's so easy to forget it all, sometimes. I'm wanting to learn.

I have to keep reminding myself that all this did happen. I have to constantly look out for the reasons all this had to happen. But when I slack, I forget. Is it such of human nature, that even in hardship, we can forget so easily.

Sometimes pain allows us to be closer to our destiny and dreams. Without it, I would slip into the comfort zone effortlessly. And soon forget what I was fighting for....

Day 10 : Celebration Sunday

Parents came up today:) Another day that we could worship God as a family under one roof. I'm beginning to treasure these moments. As me and my sister step out of home, I realize we're spreading our wings to fly. And sooner or later, we'll go our own ways. It won't be the same. So whenever we meet as a family, it's just priceless.

The chairman for today did a small mistake. It's funny. He said let's pray for the MMU Mission Team in the Philippines. And as he read out the names, he mentioned my name as well. It felt weird. Cause, the people around me were looking at me in puzzlement. What was I still doing here if they were still praying for the missions team. Then the chairman saw me amidst the crowd and told the congregation the team was probably back since I was here in the service.

Thinking about this whole thing, there's so much that I'm experiencing here that I wouldn't be able to if I had gone to the Philippines. Some of the more important things, is celebrating Father's Day with my dad. He said it was the best Father's Day gift he's ever had. I felt bad that I couldn't get him anything. I was planning to get him something from the Philippines. But he said me being here with him to celebrate was the best thing I could give him. This Father's Day, not one of us was missing:) We were all 'intact' as a family.

Other than that, me being here in Cyberjaya during this period, I've been able to help me sister settle down. She's doing fine so far. But I manage to hook her up with some fo my friends that would be able to advice her in the course she's going to take. Then I also introduced her to most of my friends that are in the CF. And I also got to meet her friends. I never thought I'd be one brother to look after my sister. But I guess I'm doing my job as an older brother after all.

Then today, we manage to celebrate my sister's 'early' birthday....as a family. Her birthday is not till the 27th, but my parents wanted to celebrate for her because they might not be able to see her during the week. So it was good that I was around. At least I was there and not becoming a 'hole' in the family. And it's the same for my dad's case; I was hoping to buy her something from the Philippines as well. So much for it:)

I guess there's so much to thank God for :) More than I can even think or imagine.

Thank You Lord!

Day 9 : Teenacity

I've been approached to serve in Teenacity, the teens ministry in my church. I've a heart for young people and I would love to serve in this area. I want to be a part of these teenagers life and build it. But when I think of the time and committment, I shudder. It's really an investment of your time, money, sweat, tears, blood....

I told them I would be in the Philippines around this time, so I wouldn't be able to help out just yet. But God had other plans. So, here I was, without an excuse not to go for their meeting. Today was my first Teenacity experience!

It was in a way fun. More relaxed than normal service. It really brought back alot of memories of my teenage days, when I was serving in my Youth Fellowship back home. It's almost the same. Painting the Wall of Faith, reminded me of painting the wall of my youth hall back then. The worship session was raw....as in, there weren't that many songs or fancy bands, but just a simple setup, yet exuberant worship. It was just awesome. Sometimes, worship sessions should just be stripped down to this. The rawness of it, yet with full sincerity. And the sight of so many teenagers. Reminded me that I was once their age. Mien! I feel old! Then the message. It was downright like a pep talk. It was simple and applicable. I felt, this is what I want to do. Invest in young people's lives. Someone believed in me, that's why I'm where I am today. Someone prayed for me, that's why I am where I am today too. I get a feeling that serving in this teens ministry is gonna suck the life out of me. It's gonna be alot of emotional and spiritual investment, as you start clicking with the teens and getting into their lives in a positive way, sticking up for them and spurring them on. It's tiring, but at the end of the day, when you see them realise their potential and start to soar, you know it's worth it.

Today was a whole good day in church. With sister and friends. I'm still trying to see the bigger picture. Why am I here....

Lord, show me. I don't want to miss out the reason.

Day 8 : Redemption

Today is THE DAY!! yeah, I know the Lord made it too. But today is the Big day. All my days of preparation will be summerised in this 2 hours.

I really thank those who woke me up. In the event that I might carry on sleeping and not wake up, I informed a few people to wake up, just in case.

It's either do or die . I couldn't afford to worry anymore. I decided, just do it. I memorised all the formulas and then headed to the exam hall.

I made it a point to read through every single question, like how my tutor asked me too. Then I attempted my first question. Praise God! I could complete the whole 1st question. It was different from the tutorials I did, but all the days of training helped me define the objective of the question and answer it.

My tutor and lecturer both told me that I needed about 40 marks out of 100 to pass. I had a good carry up mark. So I needed this 40/100 to add on to that carry mark and pass. They both told me, you need to answer 2 complete questions. Try a 3rd, if possible. They said that this time, it's not about scoring, but passing. So, it was important that I do the sufficient few that I could and do it well. And have some for backup. My lecturer told me that as long as I could write down the proper formulas for the question and substitute it properly, I could get some marks. So the summary, just do 2 questions. 1 more just in case.

It was difficult choosing the 2nd question because all looked equally tough, with some part I didn't know how to do. But the 1st completed question gave me confidence. God was with me in the examination. The 2nd question, I could do more than half, but the last bit, I got stuck. So instead of thinking how to do, I hopped on to my 3rd. The 1st half of the third, I didn't know how to do it. Could be due to the panic, I forgot it's application. But I manage to come up with something for the 2nd part. Then I was checking over and over again.

If all goes well, I should be able to pass. I did the required 2 questions. Then add the few more parts I did to cover the parts I couldn't do, it should suffice. Even if I pass by the skin of my teeth, I don't care, I just want to pass this and move on with my life:)

Thank you Lord for being faithful. Even when I am faithless.

The team would be doing their second concert tonite. I so wish I could be there to join them. There was no outgoing Air Asia flight for the day. The earliest would be the next day. But after much checking, the cheapest ticket would cost RM 1075. *Sighs*. I did ask God for a sign if I should still go after the papers. The sign would be someone would give me sufficient cash to purchase the ticket, or that Air Asia would have a promotion or something that would make it more feasible to make my trip to the Philippines. I concluded that since none of this happened, it wasn't meant to be then. *double sighs*

It's written somewhere in the Bible that man can plot and scheme, but it is the Lord who determines their steps. So there goes all my planning and scheming. The Lord has determined I shoudn't go. Well, maybe there would be other things to look out for while I'm back here. I should keep my eyes open.

For dinner, my tutors friend, who was also my friend treated me to dinner. He said it was for the hard work I had put in for this paper. I felt so bad. I'm putting in hard work because I failed the first time...and still he's treating me. I really enjoyed the talk over the dinner. Made me realise that there is more to life than exams. And after every failure, to pick yourself up and move on. Sometimes, university is the preparation for bigger things to come. It's boot camp. It does not show exactly the world for how it is, but it's just a preparation stage. The most important thing is to accept the situation and move on. Don't stay there in the mud. Pick yourself up and carry on, mud-stained and all. Just move along. God willling, things will become better. But first, admit your situation. This whole process has taught me some valueble lessons in life.

Day 7 : Desperation

Today, I studied alone. My friend's paper was this morning. So while he was in the process of becoming a free man, I was still going through the motions of perfecting my studies. I was more afraid that he couldn't wake up for his exam. So I woke up around the same time just to make sure he was awake. Imagine studying so hard to pass this final barrier, only to miss the whole paper because you snoozed the alarm a bit more than it should.

Being alone in the library was all right at first. But then, it got really boring. Kinda makes you wish you were the world. But I knew I had to be on campus so that I could ask my tutor or lecturer anything I didn't understand. Today will be the last day in the library for me. After 5 pm, I knew I would be on my own. All the help I could get would be packing their bags and heading home at 5.

By nightfall, I really felt alone all over again. Intense alone. And I panicked. I started having doubts. My feet got cold. I really had to cry to God to grant me assurance that I'll make it. I pleaded for peace. I still tried my best to Praise Him. I couldn't sleep.

This is the 4th time I'll be sitting for the same paper. The first time was the main paper, and after I failed, I had to sit for a supplementary paper to pass. I failed that too. I had to retake the subject, and again I failed. This would be the 4th time, being the supplementary paper. It's traumatic for me. When I think of it, it's like staring at a brick wall. How am I going to scale this thing? With each exam I sit for, my confidence is shreded to bits. With each exam I sit, the feeling of incompetency sets in deeper. I feel useless. I really wonder why God allowed me through this path. It's not that I'm not workign or studyign hard enough.

Lord, don't fail me now. Ask I go through this valley, do not leave me nor farsake me. Be the light for my path. Be my pillar of strength. Be my hope. Right now, all I need is hope. Help me Lord. I need a breakthrough.

Tonite would be the first concert the team will be holding in the Philippines. I was supposed to lead worship for this concert. *sigh*

Day 6 : Numb

I don't feel anything anymore. Not feeling sad, but also not having a high. Just doing the routine of going to the library to study. I got to make it through. Just keep pushing. So fast, it's already the 6th day their in the Philippines. Sometimes when you're in a new country, 6 days could seem like forever. But for those back home, it might seem like seconds.

I wonder, am I still supposed to be in that state of feeling down? So that I can somehow cry out to God for a breakthrough? I just don't feel anything.... maybe it's like a 'come what may' situation.

Day 5 : It still hurts sometimes

I managed to talk to some of the mission team people online. Felt the need to cover them in prayer. So asked them to update me and hand me any prayer request, so that I can forward to the CF to pray as well. As I heard the exciting news from them, somehow, I felt heavy within. The same recurring feeling - I should have been there - kept surfacing. I couldn't help it. I so wanted to be happy for them. But each second, my heart grew heavier. Regret crept in. That left me feeling down for a bit.

Sometimes it's hard to share the joy....especially when it should have been you....
But I'm trying....

Lord, I surrender all these feeling of failure, regrets, hopelessness......into Your loving hands, believing that You have it all planned out way before. Lord, teach me to trust You. And to have the strength to carry on, day by day. Whatever lesson that I need to learn, help me learn it, and quick.
Amen.

Day 4 : Hoping to find purpose

A friend of mine also failed his paper. And I've been accompanying him in the library. At least I know I'm not alone. Having company helps ease the burden.

Maybe I'm supposed to stay behind to keep him company.I don't know. Just maybe. I'm still trying to make sense of everything. I'm trying to see how the puzzle fits. Everything just doesn't seem to have meaning. As the saying goes, " everything happens for a reason". I'm seeking that reason.

Today, manage to get help from one of the tutors. He's been a tremendous help. I'm learning alot. He's doing what he can to ensure I make it pass this exam. On my part, I really have to humbly ask him to teach me all the forgotten fundamentals of this subject. I really appreciate him making time to teach me things I should already know. For this, I'm indebted to him. My reward to him is to make sure I pass this paper.

As I was walking out of the office, I met his other tutor friend, which also happens to be my friend. This is the guy that got me connected to the tutor who is coaching me. He's also been very helpful in giving me advice and encouragement in a time like this. I'm thankful that he hasn't given up hope on me. Therefore, he says that I shouldn't give up hope on myself. On their part, they are doing all they can to make sure I make it. So I have to do my part and finish it well. Before I left, he reminded me not to lose faith.

Somehow, faith did play a part. He reminded me, that there must be a reason why I had extended my apartment contract to the end of June instead of ending it in May. At least now I didn't have to run around looking for a place to stay while having to rpepare for the exam. There also had to be a reason why I got to know him only in the last trimester. The fact that I personally befriended him at all, in this lifetime, is a divine 'coincidence'. Our paths hardly crossed beyond an acquaintance hi-and-bye. But somehow, we're more than just acquaintance now. And he was the one that manage to hook me up with the tutor who's been really helping me. Everything did happen for a reason. Not just mere coincidence.

So as I wait, I'm still wanting to see the bigger picture. What is the main reason for me being here. There's definitely got to be something that I needed to do. I don't know.

On a more encouraging note, my friend who also failed just told me that he is giving up smoking for good. So far, it's Day 14 without cigarettes for him. When I met him, he couldn't stop smoking. Now, he's trying his best to put an end to this detrimental habit. And I applaud him for that. The courage to want to stop smoking. This has to be the best news I've heard today. My prayers are with him:)

Still seeking purpose....

Day 3 : Beginning to see the Light

Began the day in church....doing the most painful thing for me....Praising God.

At the missions trip training, I had to preach, and so did everybody else. My message was titled, The Power Of Praise. At that point, I was still expecting God to work a miracle for me. A miracle of passing my exams and going to the Philippines. I spoke about praising God at all times. I spoke about the life of King David, how his soul praised the Lord, even when things weren't going all good for him. I said, that praising God helped us to put into perspective the troubles that go on in our lives. When we praise God, we are saying that God is bigger than the situation we are in. I told the rest that when we praise God, we are looking beyond the current circumstances, to the end product, where God will make all things beautiful. I even added in my sermon an, 'add testimony here' clause. In the event I did go to Philippines, I was gonna testify God's goodness in seeing me past my exams so I could be there. But I guess God has other plans. As I spoke, I was believing, so sure that in about a weeks time, I would be in Bagiuo, speaking to all the Filipino college kids; challenging them with 3 words, to "Praise The Lord". I closed my sermon with a challenge for God to give each of us a new song of praise to sing to Him, even when at times we didn't feel like it.

And then, my world caved in. And here I was, in the presence of God, struggling to praise Him, so contrary to the confidence I had just a few days ago. But I told myself, live what you preach. And as I did, I cried. Coz it hurt so much. The ironic thing, the first song that went up had Praise The Lord all over it. Felt like God knew my hurt and He was rubbing salt all over it. Or so I thought. But praised Him, I did.

Halfway through, I realised my my heart wasn't so heavy anymore. By the end, I was smiling, my spirit uplifted. Somehow, praising God also lifts up your spirit to rise against the challenges that lay ahead.

Praise The Lord!

Day 2 : still why Lord?

Look to the Lord....

Sounds easier than it looks. I'm still wondering. When I think of it, it cuts me.
But Lord, help me to praise you in a time like this......

Why Lord?

Today, I was supposed to be on that morning plane to the Philippines. I was supposed to have touched down in Manila and take that bus to Baguio together with the rest of the missions team. I was supposed to be staying at the Asia Pacific Teological Seminary and be at the youth meeting right there in Baguio. I was.....

Lord, I don't understand. What's Your reason with keeping me here? There's got to be some sort of explanation. I'm ready. But why can't I go? Everything seems to be blocking me from going for this mission trip.

Lord, why the failed paper? Isn't it enough that I've failed more times than I want to remember? Isn't it enough that I've got to fail a paper in my final trimester? Isn't it enough that I can't go to the Philippines?

Broke....Alone....Left out....

A test I took

ESFJ - "Seller". Most sociable of all types. Nurturer of harmony. Outstanding host or hostesses. 12.3% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Time is almost up

As I write this, my LAST Final exam is just 10 days away. *crap* One paper is on the 15th of May, the other on the 17th. If all goes well, ( meaning, I pass it all) this will signify the last academic examination of my university life. Then, I'm done! Somehow, I don't fell 'that' excited. I should get to studying pretty soon. Most of my friends have only 1 subject to study for, but I have 2. It means, my study load is twice the amount. *sigh*...*double sigh*

All these while, I had the idea that I still have 2 months more after I submit my FYP, before I graduate. The last I checked, it was only 2 weeks. What a letdown. I don't know why I had that idea. I still have so much I want/need to do before I graduate. So many people I would like to meet over a meal. So many things I want to say. Time just fly and fly.

The last 'happening' thing was my FYP presentation. After all the hype of the FYP submission, I had about 2 weeks break before the presentation. In between that time, I went for the MMU Melaka Battle of The Bands. It was ok....out of so many bands....only a few were outstanding. The rest....you wonder how they made it. Who am I to judge, since my own band didn't make it. Soul Grift really made an impression. They no doubt deserved to win 1st place. This makes them champs of they year, after sweeping the 1st place for the Cyberjaya's Audiowarfare as well. PG 165 gave a superb performance, so did AVE. It didn't feel like a BOTB when they were up. More like a gig or concert. The crowd responded to them. It was awesome. Other than that, the highlight, ultimately was Cosmic Funk Express. Being a non-singing 3-piece band, they really brought the house down! They were crazy, musically. So talented! Probably the next big thing in Malaysia. Do check them out!

After that, it was the Bridging the Gap gig at KL Jam Asia. And again, out of all the local bands, only a few stood out, especially Cosmic Funk Express. This time, they were wilder than before. All their musical colors all was released at full steam. The other happening band was Tempered Mental and Lied. The rest....all gave that dreamy sleepy feel. Personally, the worst was the Singaporean band. Maybe I have yet to appreciate their music. It was an experience for me, to witness the local underground gigs.

Anyways, back to my FYP presentation. After preparing the slides for so long, and making it all nice, my moderator said he didn't have time, and asked me to skip the theoretical part of my presentation ( that's about half the presentation ) and move on the the results. I was more than happy to do just that. If I had elaborated on my theory, I would probably have gotten myself in a twist where they would ask me questions, and I wouldn't know how to answer. So, it was by God's grace that I manage to make it thru alive. Prior to the presentation, I was praying for peace. My heart and mind was constantly racing around thinking how am I going to pull thru. My wits were shreded to bits as I waited for the time to come. I just wanted God to set my mind at peace. And I was praying the whole time. When the moment came, it ended before I knew it. A miracle had taken place:) And the best part, my moderator didn't even ask any questions. However, my supervisor ( as always ), asked me a weird question, that I would never come across in my studies, and I couldn't answer. In the end, he answered it for me. Good thing.

Thank You Lord for seeing me thru:)