Wrapping up 2005

It's coming. The clock counts 6 hours from now.
But, the year went by too fast.
I still remember the Tsunami Disaster just like it was yesterday.
To me, it was a mere blink of the eye, and 2005 is history.

I have no idea what 2006 holds, but I know the One who holds 2006.

Don't mean to be negative and depressive. But 2005 has been a year of disappoinments. Even before 2005 kicked in, I was already laden with excess baggage. And I began the year with a terrible 'thud' to the floor.

No doubt, I had numerous blessings to count as well. I experienced favor. I tasted mercy. But the scars of disappointments still run deep. Disappointment with people and situations.

I contemplated a quiet 'celebration' to usher in the new year. Alone in my room.

But opportunity arose for a New Year's Service. So I'll be going.

Blessed New Year to all!! And A New Hope to Everyone.

God Bless.

* failure *

* failure*

I've tried so hard and given my best....only to fail....over and over gain.
I must be doing something wrong somewhere. The pieces don't fit.
How do I live for the moment, when I carry this burden?
I doubt myself sometimes.
What good can come out of me?
I like the life I'm living...till I see the black mark that covers everything.
And I wonder, am I that worth it?
I'm sorry...
And sorry may not be worth much...
But that's all I have
I hope someday, I would have been worth it all

De-motivators : The harder you try, the dumber you look.

Lord, forgive me.

How can I make a difference where I am with what I have?

It's been a week, no, exactly 10 days since the last day of NC. Time does fly. And to be honest, I don't have the 'spiritually high' feeling anymore. Camp goers would understand that after a camp, most people would feel 'motivated', and depending on individuals, these feelings would wear off sooner or later. And that's when reality sinks in; that you cannot rely on feelings to keep you motivated in your spiritual journey. I've been to so many camps in my life to know that it won't last forever.

For me, the 'feeling' wore off the moment I reached the foothill of Genting Highlands. As I looked over the city, reality sat in almost immediately, as if waking from a dream. And after a week, nothing much in my life has changed. Situations are the same. People around me are also the same. It shows that after a spiritual experience, nothing changes if you don't make the effort to change the physical realm. I believe that my heart has been touched and moved. But the changes inside won't show unless changes also takes place on the outside. I'm not so naive to think that things will automatically be nice and rosy immediately.

For starters, it came to mind to make the best of what I have in this life. Each person has been born into different situations. And it's our call to make the most of what we have. The parable of the talents in the Bible speaks of it.

How can I make a difference where I am with what I have?

Here's a list of what I've got:

1. 2 hands ( working well the last time I checked it)
2. 2 feet (check)
3. 2 eyes
4. 2 ears
5. 1 mouth ( almost said 2)
6. 1 heart
7. A great family
8. A decent-enough education
9. Great friends around ( you peeps have been awesome blessings )
10. A car
11. A guitar
12. An electric guitar
13. Ability to play he guitar and piano
14. 1 life to live

Well, now that I started thinking...the list goes on. But I'd stop here.

Now, for what I can do:

...........

that's for another time.

ac

National Conference 2005 - PuduRaya

I call this 'bus stop' - PuduRaya. ( I heard a small wave of laughter. Maybe they thought I was pulling off another stunt )

It's such an unbiblical name, but somehow this word was impressed on my heart as I searched within me for a name to call this place of spiritual renewal. As the name came to mind, the reason for it followed soon after.

I came to this conference, looking for directions. It's not long before I graduate, and the question of where do I start my working carreer has been brewing. I always told myself to return to my roots-Melaka. I've seen so many of my seniors leave Melaka, never to return, settling down in the major cities around. Only a few faithful have returned to rebuild of what's left. Maybe God called the others elsewhere. But I always had this impression to return back.

The attraction of city life has got a hold of me somehow. I like it here in Cyberjaya/Subang/PJ. I like the current church I'm in, to the point I feel so comfortable, I don't want to leave. I like the entertainment this places have to offer me. And, I'm thinking that maybe I could be an influence in a place like this....maybe.

I wanted to know what God wanted to do in my life. To stay or return. But I got more than I bargained for. As I sat through each session, only a few words spoke to me, in the sea of words that were streaming out. Those few words hit me like bullets. Another option that came my way was to start anew in a small town somewhere, any town smaller than Melaka. The kind of town that raise a question mark in people's mind whenever they are mentioned.

I had wanted to start with a decent job, buy a house, get married and settle down with some kids and have the usual 2 cars kind of family, living in some high class suburbs. Having a decent...if not luxuries form of lifestyle. But I was challenged to give that up. I don't really know how to put it. I guess some people are called to the cities, some are called to smaller towns, and some to the villages, and some to the rest of the world. But for me, it's anywhere that God calls me to. The catch is, I shouldn't get too attached to the lifestyle I'm living. Or more accurate, worldly wealth. It's alrite if God blesses me with material things, but I shouldn't get too attacehd to it. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

Back to PuduRaya. I see this particular Bus Terminal in the heart of KL as a center point for all travellers. People going in and out all the time. People who represent Malaysia. People who do not know God. And compared to KLIA or KL Sentral, PuduRaya is one shabby, dirty looking, run down place. It speaks to me of a different kind of lifestyle that I want to live. The personal question was whether I was willing to give up the luxuries of KLIA and KL Sentral for a place like PuduRaya. It was a reminder that places like this need Jesus too.

It scares me to think of giving it all up. But the Bible speaks of not going after earthly treasure where moth and rust destroy, but storing heavenly riches. And people like Dr Thomas Chung and Dr Loh Kim Cheng, and even Ps. Kenneth have showed an example to me; Giving up their professional careers to serve God. They are my heroes.

And I'm still thinking and waiting........

*zip*

itting here in my room....after 8 days straight of working....just to compensate for National Conference (NC). Prior to that, I had a 9 day spree of work as well. Really exhausting. I got so much to say, but the sappy connection here is killing my ideas....while I wait for anything to load. So much for broadband. The only thing that's getting broad is my patience.

NC is about a day away from now. I waited for this for so long. Now, it's here already. I still have yet to pack. But I'm too sluggish to get a move on. I'm so excited for it, yet afraid. I don't know why.

I'm so looking forward to it...if only I could start packing

This is the phrase that speaks about me right now. It has a double meaning. For one, it speaks about my preparedness for NC. I'm so ready and wanting to go. But I have yet to start packing. On the other hand, it speaks about my life. I'm so wanting to dive into Life and see what treasures it holds for me. But I've got some open baggages that needs to be packed up. And get going.
The picture: A man with a shirt and tie on, still wearing his boxers and socks, fumbling with his trousers and a bag with clothes spilling everywhere at his feet. And people are just walking on by.....

I shud get going. Work really sucks the life out of you.
To those who are feeling the pinch of life's reality now, I hope you understand that you're not alone. So don't be arrogant to think you're the only person going through shit. Other's have gone through much worse, while you sat there thinking what the crap is wrong with these people...why can't they just move on and get on with life. I hope the next time the words 'Move on' is said, it's said out of love rather than irritated ignorance.

A few things keep me sane. And it's my tortoises. I don't know why, but the simplicity of their lives gives me hope that if God could give these creatures peace, He can give me peace too. I got another one as well, a present from my family. Will post pictures soon.

Good night world.

I lost count

DAY 30 something

It's a Saturday, and I'm working. That's the nature of my job. Can't really complain. However, what i learn from this working experience is that, when you are working, time really flies.

The last entry about work was Day 11. Now, I've already lost count. Today is the 19th of November. 2 days ago, on the 17th, is one month of my working here. 1 MONTH!!!! just like that.....

Before I started my training, I told myself that since I'm not going to be studying, I wanted to do this and that. And being in a working environment, I tought I could pull off some of the stuff. Unfortunately, the days pass by so quickly, and it's already a month. I only manage to do some of the things I wanted to within that time. Quite disappointing.

Work really saps the life out of you. For me, I have to work 9 hours a day. And after a long days's work with only and hour break in between, I'm so beat-up I just feel like a zombie.Unlike some of my counter-parts in other companies, I don't have the luxury of 'lepaking' in the office everyday. I wish I had time to surf around and chit chat in the office. But in here, it's a factory....data factory. We work from the moment we get in till we sign off. Of coz there are laughters and jokes in between....which is crucial for our sanity, but there is no time for us to sit idle and do our own thing.

When I get back from work, I tell myself I wanna pick up my guitar, or maybe write a new song, or catch up with old friends, or just doing something important. But all I do when I step into my room is to unwind and let go. It's either watch a movie or play a game. By the time it's over, it's time to sleep. That's the life. Routine and mundane. I'm so thankful for people around. At least I get to have dinner with some of the juniors and remaining trainees. It keeps me connected. Otherwise, it'll just be me and the world.

Now I understand why some people just lose passion for living and life once they start working. They get caught up in the rat-race. I really hope I don't have to face that.........

work beckons.

thoughts

at work now....jsut got this phrase...no where to save...so save here


we disect the conversation
wishing we knew the truth
later we regret
wishing in bliss for the ignorance
the chance when we could have
avoided the bitter truth
tasting sweet lies instead
how twisted we become
when love does not fill the void

DAY 11

DAY 11

I've been wanting to have a day-to-day update of my working experience,but I've been surprisingly caught up with loads of work and other events.

I can't say I'm so caught up with work...but I can't seem to see the days just fly pass even quicker. Without much realisation, it's been 11 days of work! Felt like I've been in this 'working' environment for ages.

The first few days were pretty boring. I would come to the office, and there was nothing to be done. And I realised that sitting for 5 hours doing absolutely nothing is more tiring that doing something. Being stuck in the office, with no work to do ( lack of training then) made me pick up my friend's Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown up to read...just to pass time. Since then, I was hooked. At least it helped me through those boring few days.

The worst was on Sunday the first week! I wanted to go to church, but I had work. But at work...they didn't have anything for us to do. So I sat there doing nothing....A day just wasted like that:( And it was a Sunday! Sigh. But I was thankful that I had The Da Vinci Code to read. Really made time go by smoothly.

When work came, boy, it came by the dozens! The first day when work started pouring in was like this: Step into the office, given a stack of 'jobpacks', and before I knew it, it was time to go home. It has been like that for the past few days I've been here. Just keying in data into the system. Easy, but monotonous. It's so robotised. Even my boss said that. But what to do. Just learning how to relate to ppl and learn up as much as I can, eventhough it's nothing related to engineering. The work over here comes as much as you can do. Do slowly, you get less work, Do quickly, you might just get more to do. But I've been pushing myself to do as much as I can, even if it means that mroe work will be added to me. I just want to give my best shot.

My great 'enemy' here is the afternoon-lunch-slumber. I battle is everytime after a hearty lunch. That's why a student's life is somewhat better. If you're sleepy, you can choose to skip class for sleep. But you can't do that when you are working. There are times I'm forcing myself to keep awake and go and with entering data....halfway thru, I doze off rite on the keyboard. And all my data will be gibberish.

So far, the bonding here is goign on pretty well.

On another thought, I'm currently reading(read) 2 books, with both the main character having the same name : Sophie. Coincidental. And both has some roots in philosophy and mystery.

It's a sweet name.

My time is up. I'm off for home now.

Missing so many people now...they're all so far away...but I wonder if they're missing me to.

My first day!

DAY 1

MY Industrial Training (IT) is in Cyberjaya itself, at P2I Online. It's a US based company with a workforce of about 60 plus people. We are known as P2I KL, the Malaysian branch of this international company.

Today, work started at 9am. All the trainees, 11 of us, were placed in a room, something like a conference room. I had the feeling that the make-shift conference-looking room was going to be the 'office' for the 11 of us, for the next 15 weeks. Well, it is so. Good news is, each of us will be getting our own personal pcs, shipped in all the way from the US. And, I can just imagine the scenario of our 'office'; 11 pcs all side by side, somewhat like a cybercafe, with 11 people in it, in a tiny place. But it looks pretty decent to me:)

The thing is, we might have to work shifts. The 2 slots offered for trainees are the 9am-6pm and the 11am-8pm shifts. So, not all 11 will be in the 'office' at the same time. I kinda feel segregated from the rest of the company. The permanent workers are in another part of the building, just beside our 'office'. They each have a cubicle.

Basically, we sat for an hour till someone came and attended to us. We didn't really know each other much, but the small talk kinda broke the ice for most of us. Now I'm really motivated to learn up mandarin. All the chinese trainees were conversing in mandarin. I had to pick up bits and pieces here and there.

For today, there were only 5 available pcs. We were given a short briefig about what the company does and some of the rules and regulations of the company. After that, we were left alone again. Then in came one of the Team Leader who pride himself with wanting to 'make our life miserable'. But he was just the opposite:P He gave a briefing of what was to be done...something like a crash course. And told us to go off for lunch. We were all hungry and talking about lunch way before lunch time. hehe. Guess this will be a typical scenario.

Like most owrking people in Cyberjaya, we found ourselves having lunch at the bus-station...also known as the 'terminal', as I just found out. Anyways, 10 of us trainees ate together. I bumped into a few other trainees from other companies. It was a weird sight.

After lunch, we were left alone again....for a long time. I had time to surf and chat till I was bored. And when I was on the verge of sleeping, in came out Team Leader and he carried on with the other part of our work. By then ,I was dozing off. Everything seems to be a blur. On a normal day, I would probably skip class to go sleep. But I can't skip work. So there I was, in and out of reality for a bit. We had a countdown from 4pm. Work ended at 6. While we waited, a guy came to the company's lobby and started unloading boxes upon boxes of Dell Pcs. I saw, 'Box 1 of 11'. There were 11 new pcs shipped in all the way from Bethlehem, USA to Cyberjaya, Selangor. I hope that those 11 new pcs are for each one of us:)

Again we were left alone. Doing nothing. At 5, the TL came in again and talk some more. I was eyeing the clock till it was 6pm. Felt like a skool kid again, waiting at the door, ready to rush out of class....just for that moment when the bell rang.

Pros and cons of this company:

Pros:
-Starts late, at 9am.Sometimes, 11am. Therefore, can sleep in a but more and have breakfast before work.
-10 mins drive from home.
-5 days a week.
-A decent allowance.
-Friends I know working with me
-Flexible lunch time.
-Easy work.
-Own personal pc.

Cons:
-Work full 15 weeks. Will have 3 days of rest before I enter 3rd trimester, while some have 3 weeks off....nearly a month of holidays before they start classes.
-My off days are during mid-week. Therefore, while the majority of the world is having weekends to rest....I'll be working. So I can't chill out with the rest of my friends. and that sucks.
-In a month, I only get one weekend off, due to the rotating shift system. This will allow me to church only once a month:( and this sucks even more:( The timing is such that I can rush to church but still not make it back for work:( or work will end too late. It sucks not being able to go to church:(( Suddenly, I feel my right to go to church has been taken from me!


That's about it for now. Been jogging the past 2 days. Gotta build up my stamina:)
Tomorrow is a brand new day:)
Enjoys!

Someone's been there huh?

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

-neil gaiman-

Writing my Life's opus

Just watched Mr. Holland's Opus. It's a pretty old movie, but not that old. Maybe around the mid 90's. ( Wow! I feel old...I could actually say that line...'in the 90's'). I have watched this movie before back then. Somehow, this movie wasn't so popular. Not many people watched it. I've been looking for it but not able to find it. I found the dvd stashed somewhere in my sister's movie collection. Boy, was I surprised. So I popped it in the player...just what I needed.

The first time I watched it, I loved it. I can't remember the details....as time went on, I slowly forgot the details of the movie, but all I could remember was that it was an inspiring movie and it inspired me alot. The kind of movie that speaks close to the heart and ends with you feeling motivated and inspired to do something with your life. In this movie, it revolves around music. A man and his music.

If you have watched Music Of The Heart...it's something like that. But I don't remember much of it also. The blur images of Susan Sarandon and violins and kids and music. That's about it.

Anyways, this is a review of the movie I managed to find on the internet.

Author: bppihl from Normal, Illinois

I remember seeing "Mr. Holland's Opus" for the first time in high school. I liked it then, and still do. Films about teaching often involve tough kids and less than ideal teachers, among other things. I have to say this film is an exception. Mr. Holland is an inspiration in so many ways that he does not realize or even want to acknowledge. It is also a story that could have taken place and that some people can relate to. This is why I enjoyed it so much.

Mr. Holland has a dream of composing a very memorable and moving symphony, and to ultimately be "rich and famous." But working odd jobs in pursuit of his dream doesn't appeal to him. Reluctantly, he takes a day job as a high school music teacher to support the family and at first hates it. His students are not motivated to learn through readings and tests, and do not respond well to the music of Bach. When he finds they love rock and roll, he integrates this into the curriculum, much of the disapproval of the administration, who believe "rock and roll by its very nature leads to a breakdown in discipline." He teaches and mentors many students over the years, from a clarinet student who doubts her talent and feels inferior to her musically talented family, to a wrestler who becomes a drummer, and a talented singer with her eye on him who wants to go to Broadway despite any barriers. Whether or not he knows it, Mr. Holland inspires them to do something worthwhile.

Despite his love and talent for teaching, Mr. Holland cannot develop this same level of rapport and love with his wife Iris and son Cole, who is deaf. His desire for Cole to appreciate music is outweighed by Cole's inability to hear and his father's reluctance to help him. Cole learns sign language from his teachers and mother predominantly. Mr. Holland appears to be the kind of person who detests imperfection of any kind, and this strains his familial relationships. Gradually, though, he learns to accept and deal with these challenges, and becomes more loving and appreciative.

I recommend "Mr. Holland's Opus" for musicians, singers, music teachers, and really everyone. Enjoy the show!

And while watching it, there were some memorable quotes, at least to me.

Glenn Holland: Which instrument do you think you'd like to play?
Louis Russ: Well, I was kinda thinkin' like... How about electric guitar?
Glenn Holland: Well, this is a marching band. The extension cord will kill us.

Principal Jacobs: A teacher has two jobs; fill young minds with knowledge, yes, but more important, give those minds a compass so that that knowledge doesn't go to waste.

Vice Principal Wolters: I care about these kids just as much as you do. And if I'm forced to choose between Mozart and reading and writing and long division, I choose long division.
Glenn Holland: Well, I guess you can cut the arts as much as you want, Gene. Sooner or later, these kids aren't going to have anything to read or write about.

Mr. Glenn Holland: The day they cut the football budget in this state, that will be the end of Western Civilization as we know it!

Louis Russ: Tubas are for fat guys with pimples.

Glenn Holland: Play the sunset.

Iris Holland: I don't know what he wants, I don't understand what he's trying to say. Don't you get it? You walk to school every day with all these children who are normal. I can't talk to my son! I don't know what he wants or what he thinks or what he feels. I can't tell him that I love him, I can't tell him who I am. I want to talk to my son! I don't care what it costs, I don't care what the stupid doctor says it's right or wrong. I want to talk to my son!

Vice Principal Gene Wolters: Rock 'n' roll by its very nature leads to a breakdown in discipline.
Glenn Holland: Stravinsky was the music of the Russian Revolution! Talk about a breakdown in discipline!

And this is my personal favourite:

Gertrude Lang: Mr. Holland had a profound influence on my life and on a lot of lives I know. But I have a feeling that he considers a great part of his own life misspent. Rumor had it he was always working on this symphony of his. And this was going to make him famous, rich, probably both. But Mr. Holland isn't rich and he isn't famous, at least not outside of our little town. So it might be easy for him to think himself a failure. But he would be wrong, because I think that he's achieved a success far beyond riches and fame. Look around you. There is not a life in this room that you have not touched, and each of us is a better person because of you. We are your symphony Mr. Holland. We are the melodies and the notes of your opus. We are the music of your life.


As I was watching the show, I was deep in thought as well. A lot of people want to find significance in their lives. I thought I was the only one. But I was proved otherwise. Time and again, we see it in the movies and also in real life; people striving to leave a mark, to make an impact, to start a movement, to orchestrate a change, to cause a revolution, to stir a generation, to create history.... These are the things that are inborn in most of us. Significance! Purpose! Destiny!

But unfortunately, many give up along the way before achieving their dreams. Some are eliminated due to some stupid accident caused by errant individuals. It's so sad to read the news today. So many bad news. I can understand about naatural disasters. But matters that are caused by man's greed and pride is extremely heart-breaking because it could have been avoided. What is mankind coming to?

I was thinking of my life. What have I achieved? I've been a Christian more than 10 years...what have I done with it? I've been playing the piano for more than 10 years too....why haven't I mastered it and become a prefessional. The same goes for the guitar. I've been playing it for 10 years....why can't I pull off a solo and become a guitar master? With my musical background...why haven't I achieved a dream of starting a great band?

I'm still learning how to look at the silver lining of the clouds. Across the globe...people are dying everyday, while here I am, thinking about stuff that is not so crucial. What's the matter with me.

Now

The holidays are here! But I won't be able to enjoy them. While the rest of the uni students are going wild with a 5-week break ( 2nd longest holiday in MMU history ), most of the people in my year and faculty will be gearing ourselves for our Industrial Training (IT). Just a few weeks prior, I was so excited about tasting work...maybe I was looking forward to something other than my exams. Exams have come and gone, and IT is staring right at me. Somehow, I'm suddenly unprepared. The feeling of waiting so much for something, and when the times does come, you're just not ready. That's what I'm feeling right now.

It's a sudden step from studying to working. I've gone to get my working clothes...those long sleeved shirts and black slacks with black leather shoes. I'm not sure if I have to wear that everyday though. The last call to my employer gave me the idea that casual clothing is in....except for slippers and shorts and singlets. In that case, I might not have to don on the 'smart' outfit after all. But I'll just wear it for the sake of giving a 'good' impression.

I'm working for P2I Online. Still reading up about this company. I got the feeling it's more of an IT company instead of engineering. As far as I know, I have to work 5 days a week only, but this includes Saturday and Sundays. Meaning, that in a week, I should have 2 off days, which could be any 2 days. So my weekends might not be the usual Saturday and Sunday. To top that up, I will be working shifts since my company is an American company. So night shift and day shift...gonna get messed up real bad.

Good news is....I'm getting paid a decent amount, and I don't have to shift out of my current home, coz it's based in Cyberjaya. Should be a 5 minute drive to my work place.

On other news, I was just chilling with a bunch of friends over the weekend. It's a real fun thing to do...something I've not been doing in a long while because of my hectice lifestyle. We just 'lepaked' around the mall doing nothing. No agenda, no plans. The life after exams! After awhile, we talked about old times: Alpha year, the crap stuff we would do, how LOA we were, the liberalistic us doing whacky stuff we could imagine, the conflicts, the weirdos, yadayada.

Made me realize: We are getting old-er. Felt like veterans talking bout the good 'ol days. Time sure flies. 4 years just like that. *zip*. I still remember my first day in uni.My first orientation. My first day in class. My first bunch of pre-U buddies. My first girl friend. My first CF meeting. My first argument. My first outdoor experience. My first class ruckus. My first class drama. My first Cyberjaya excursion. My first gig. My first win. My first move to Cyberjaya. My first hostel room.....all that wrapped up in 5 years. Very soon I'll be stepping into the working world. It's got me thinking about my life again.

I got about 4 days in Melaka before I go back to Cyberjaya to face work. Hope that leaves me with enough time to evaluate my life, once again.

Some of my current thoughts:

1. People change. Even myself. And not always for the better. The only consant is : change. How ironic. Sometimes I want to cling on to what I've always known. It gets harder to let go of familiarity sometimes.

2. I don't know that much. I still lack knowledge in so many areas. I thought that my coming to Uni will open my eyes. Well, it did. But open eyes is nothing when my stomach is still empty...in this case, my brain. There is so much I would like to know and understand : society, economics, technology, politics, religion.....issues that I would have to face one day.
a
3. .......*brain-jam*

Relief

*free*

That's what I feel for the moment. It's been a grueling 2 weeks of doing nothing but intensive studying...and a couple of rounds of Dota. It's been long nights of feeding my brain with facts and fancy formulas, which most definitely will be forgotten once the exams end.

As I'm typing this, the MMU finals examination is still going on. However, my exams are over. What I thought would be a an unfortunate event actually turned out to be something better than expected, though I'm not so sure it's a blessing. I had to cram in 3 papers in 4 days and 2 of those papers happen to be Telecommunication subjects. During the study week, I got that sense of dread; so much to study and so little time; so many facts, which one will be tested. Thinking to myself, I thought I wasn't going to make it. I've had more failures than I ever want to remember and I'm familiar with walking out of an exam not knowing if I would pass.

The thought on my mind as I was studying was : I don't want to have to extend my years in MMU. If I fail a paper, I might have to stay a few more semesters just to make it thru. It made me pray. I really didn't know what to expect. Unlike my friends from other majors, they had a lot of time to study. Mine was half of that time. I told God that I couldn't make it thru this time, especially if I did it myself. I needed a mircale.

And a miracle did come! Whatever I studied came out....almost:) It wasn't so much of scoring an A, but more of making thru the paper. If I get good grades, that's a bonus. So, I thank God that He made it possible for me to go through this.

I have about 8 months to go before I graduate. The finish line is within sight. But this whole semester has been one of discouragement. I was so close to giving up a couple of times. So close, yet so far. But the main hurdles have been done with. I'm looking forward to Industrial Traning. I wonder what it would be liek to get a taste of the working world. More than that, I'm looking forward to a semester without exams:)

I'm back in Melaka now. Taking a break from everything else, while some of my peers are still facing exams. All the best to you! Will be back in Cyberjaya soon to settle some things.

Somehow, I am losing touch with blogging. Lacking the feel. Mental block.

Knil Amy @ Peace Day

Yesterday, Knil Army had a gig at Berjaya Times Square for a world peace event called Peace Day. I didn't know what this event was all about, other than promoting peace to this fallen world. I didn't know who else were playing or what was gonna happen. I was jsut excited that I got to play at a gig.

When I reached the concourse, I saw the audience...kids??!! not exactly kids, but more of young teenagers...mostly girls and some boys...and their parents who were keeping careful watch from the back.


After awhile, I realised these kids were not interested in the other bands that were going up to perform (us included), but they were waiting ...the whole day....for this Taiwanese boy-band called 5566. Till they got a glimpse of the boy-band, they were just looking, tired, dead, and lifeless. The band before us were screaming their hearts out...but the audience were unmoved.

When our turn came, we just went up and we knew from the start that this wasn't goign to be about people listening to us. We didn't care. We prayed. If God inspired for these songs written by Jack to come about, we prayeed that it would somehow touch people, eventhough they were wordless songs. We went up, set up our stuff and were ready to rock the show...except we didn't have rockers for fans.



Jack addressed the audience...and was greeted by hardly a response. It was ok. We played our first song, All-Asian Tragedy, a tribute to those that died during the tsunami end of last year and the victims of Hurricane Kathrina which happened recently. No response. We moved on to Shine, a song with a Chinese feel to it. Still no response. I pity the crowd. Coz they look so bored, while we were having the time of our life on stage! Then we played, A Toast For Our Tomorrow. Jack dedicated this song to all the young people out there. The reason behind this song was to celebrate young people who are so full of potential, who are capable of making history and making changes. When we played our final song, Guidance, that was when I messed up:P Made a couple of blunders, but I bet the crowd coudn't tell a thing. (Jack, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I messed the song up:( ) That was the craziest song in our line. I enjoyed it.





After all was over, the crowd was waving posters and banners of 5566 at us. But I don't regret playing.


To me, this was an opportunity to display our music. We weren't discouraged. We just wanted to play music. Good music. Though our songs didn't have words, I still feel moved each time I hear it. Some songs are just better without words. Sometimes, words just get in the way.

I am thankful to our friends who came all the way to support us. Though they were the minority...urm, i think about ( >0.5% ) of the entire crowd, they were cheering us on. I'm so so thankful for you guys being there:) One of them came all the way, only to miss the whole show, because of timing. But I still apprciate that, bro!

The camera gal was taking the pic:P

To Knil Army : Keep making good music! God bless us all!

Ecclesiastes 7

Current spiritual digest, from the Message.

Ecclesiastes 7

1A good reputation is better than a fat bank account. Your death date tells more than your birth date.

2You learn more at a funeral than at a feast--
After all, that's where we'll end up. We might discover
something from it.
3Crying is better than laughing.
It blotches the face but it scours the heart.

4Sages invest themselves in hurt and grieving.
Fools waste their lives in fun and games.

5You'll get more from the rebuke of a sage
Than from the song and dance of fools.

6The giggles of fools are like the crackling of twigs
Under the cooking pot. And like smoke.

7Brutality stupefies even the wise
And destroys the strongest heart.

8Endings are better than beginnings.
Sticking to it is better than standing out.

9Don't be quick to fly off the handle.
Anger boomerangs. You can spot a fool by the lumps on his head.

10Don't always be asking, "Where are the good old days?"
Wise folks don't ask questions like that.

11Wisdom is better when it's paired with money,
Especially if you get both while you're still living.
12Double protection: wisdom and wealth!
Plus this bonus: Wisdom energizes its owner.

13Take a good look at God's work.
Who could simplify and reduce Creation's curves and angles
To a plain straight line?

14On a good day, enjoy yourself;
On a bad day, examine your conscience.
God arranges for both kinds of days
So that we won't take anything for granted.

15I've seen it all in my brief and pointless life--here a good person cut down in the middle of doing good, there a bad person living a long life of sheer evil. 16So don't knock yourself out being good, and don't go overboard being wise. Believe me, you won't get anything out of it. 17But don't press your luck by being bad, either. And don't be reckless. Why die needlessly?
18It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.

19Wisdom puts more strength in one wise person
Than ten strong men give to a city.

20There's not one totally good person on earth,
Not one who is truly pure and sinless.

21Don't eavesdrop on the conversation of others.
What if the gossip's about you and you'd rather not hear it?
22You've done that a few times, haven't you--said things
Behind someone's back you wouldn't say to his face?

23I tested everything in my search for wisdom. I set out to be wise, but it was beyond me, 24far beyond me, and deep--oh so deep! Does anyone ever find it? 25I concentrated with all my might, studying and exploring and seeking wisdom--the meaning of life. I also wanted to identify evil and stupidity, foolishness and craziness.
26One discovery: A woman can be a bitter pill to swallow, full of seductive scheming and grasping. The lucky escape her; the undiscerning get caught. 27At least this is my experience--what I, the Quester, have pieced together as I've tried to make sense of life. 28But the wisdom I've looked for I haven't found. I didn't find one man or woman in a thousand worth my while. 29Yet I did spot one ray of light in this murk: God made men and women true and upright; we're the ones who've made a mess of things.

I guess the author pretty much summarizes what's going on with my life rite now. Still absorbing its truth. Makes me wonder if man several thousands of years ago actually went through what I am going through now. Wow!

Just a prayer away

Dear Lord,
As I lie down to sleep tonight
Do something within my heart
So that when I wake tomorrow to go to church
I know I can face the day
I know I can carry through one more day
Because You live
Because You hold what's taking place in my life in Your own hands

As I wake tomorrow
Give me a renewed understanding of the phrase
"Your mercies are new every morning"
Lift up my spirit and give me joy
Joy that the world can't take away
Give me a fresh knowledge of who You are
So that when I strap on my guitar to worship You
On that stage with everyone else
I know who it is I am giving my worship and praise to
And I can really offer up my heart and life
In worship once again

I know sometimes I fake everything I do
Just to please others
I'm tired of it Lord
I need motivation to live life to the fullest again
It's so hard to see the big picture sometimes

I know this life is not just about me
And there are times I struggle to walk this way
Giving up is so easy
Letting go is so tempting
But deep inside I know there has got to be more to life than just me
There has got to be more than the things that's raging inside
Sometimes I don't understand Lord
Sometimes I wish my heart was transparent for everyone to see
Sometimes I wish I even know what's happening between those burst of emotions
I can't make anything out of it

Teach me sweet surender once again
To take each step slowly knowing for every step I'm making
You are already there
Though others may not understand
You know it already
To not fear tomorrow
For You hold that too

As I sleep tonight
Lord, I want You to know that I still love You

Amen

Cries

The sky is cloudy and it's about to rain
My emotions are stirred
Oh no, I'm at it again
I can't help myself
I'm trying to get a grip
But I'm losing it

How is it the thing I used to despise
That I have become
Is it a disease?

Searching for a hope
I know I have
But I need to believe

It's easy to point a finger and be the crowd
But when you are the minority, you wish that you had a helpful hand

I've been labelled
Can I get out of this?

Others can see hope
But I see a black spot

I need a miracle, Lord!
I need to see life the way You created it to be

Collide

How can 2 good people collide and it be so bad.

Peace Day

KniL Army will be playing at Berjaya Times Square this coming Sunday (18/9/2005) for an event called Peace Day around 5-8pm. Interested, just come alrite:)

Is My Life In University A Joke?

It's 3.50 in the morning. I should be sleeping, but I'm not. It's been such a stressful week. It's all over now: The FYP presentation, the EMI assignment and presentation and the Antenna assignment. All in a week's span. I'm taking a breather for a bit. Next week is study week. Then Finals. Time just flies. And here I am, doing nothing. Ok, maybe I'm thinking. These are precious moments before I immerse myself into my studies in preparation for the Finals.

My current thought : Is my whole University life a joke?

I'm on the path to be a qualified engineer. But a part of me feels that I won't become an engineer once I start working. I'll probably do something else. I have no direction. But I cannot see myself as a technical type of engineering person.

All my life I wanted to be a doctor like my father, except I had this irrational fear of dead bodies, or more of cutting up dead bodies. I didn't want to go to a private medical school. I didn't want my dad to blow a fortune on my education. He would have spent it on me, but I felt it wasn't right. I was aiming for the public universities. And most public medical faculty requires the cutting of the cadavers. I cringe at the thought. I imagine them to 'wake' from the dead while I cut them. It's stupid, but everyone has their little fearful secret. I could see myself as a doctor, but I could hardly see myself on the path there.

I took my 2nd option. To be an engineer. I had a raft idea of what an engineer was. Now as I'm about to graduate, I realised that engineering is a versatile profession. The scope is so wide and the 'engineer' term is coined so loosely nowadays. As long as you can construct or a specialsit in a certain technical field....you're an engineer...even if you don't have a paper qualification for it.

As my graduation edges nearer, I barely understand my role. Even more, I barely understand the subjects I'm learning. I do study and put in effort, but my returns are small. And it makes me wonder if I'm cut for this line of work. Most of the things I have learnt in the past 4 years are lost within the recesses of my mind. I know I did study some engineering 'stuff', but all was quickly forgotten after I 'vomitted' what I needed to fulfill the answer papers during my exams. Now, i can't remember anything much. It's mainly for exam purposes. What kind of an engineer am I? Since my traumatic experience of Add. Maths. in school, I still panic whenever I see an integration sign followed by one or more trigonometric function. I've never been a pro at maths though I fancy the idea of toying with more than just mumbers, but rather, concepts.

I feel at a lost because I have spent close to 5 years in university and about 80k for my overall education. What have I achieved? Besides a piece of paper as qualification, I feel that I have wasted it. I should at least know what in the world am I studying. But I still get that 'lost' feeling. It makes me feel stupid. Like, what have I been doing all these years here in Uni? Feels like graduating from music school and still not know how to read notes or play a single instrument.

I feel wasted. I could have studied something else or at least invested that 80k on something else more worthwhile. I feel like I've conned myself. More of a personal thing.

All I know God led me here. I never expected to come to MMU. But here I am. I have no idea what's gonna happen next. Hopefully my industrial training will shed some light......

September 11

Today, 4 years ago, many innocent people died in the crumbling of the World Trade Center.

As I reflect, I think to myself :

I am where I am now beacuse of the many who died years ago to make history happen. If I don't live my life for this moment, I might be causing the generation after me to miss out some of the opportunities I will never have.

fly me by

These are times when time flies by so fast, you actually wonder what hit you.

In that state of loss.

Wake me up when September ends

This is the month of September. Many people are are asking to be woken up when September ends. I'm feeling it myself. September is looming with 1 major presentation for my FYP and 3 assignments due for my other subjects. I feel the stress, I feel the pressure. To make it a harder blow, the final exams will be about 12 days after the last assignment is handed up. Not much time to study to be exact.

To top up the 'colorful' month of September, I've been to 2 funerals within 1 week. Last Wednesday, when the whole nation was celebrating Independance Day, I took a drive down to Melaka with some friends to attend my classmate's grandmother's funeral. I couldn't offer much, but all I could do was let him know we were there for him. As I'm typing this, I just returned from my ex-CG leader's dad's funeral. It was quite shocking news when I heard her dad has left this world because everything happened so fast. I went again, with nothing much to offer except the knowledge that we were there to support her. This week itself I've heard more than 5 stories about people dying...and these people are mainly young people my age. That makes it harder to swallow:(

Life is short, compared to eternity. Sometimes, life seems meaningless. Everyone wants to find significance in this life. Everyone wants to find meaning, a reason to carry on living. Many are looking for answers to help them thru the cold months of September. Most if the time, I'd rather be 'sleeping'.

To me, reason is like the runway... faith is like the aeroplane which picks up speed and momentum as it moves along reason..until a point where it takes flight...u can't take off without runway, but the runway won't take us to London either! ~ The Hedonese ~

Psalms 139

Current thoughts...taken from The Message

PSAMS 139

GOD, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
then up ahead and you’re there, too –
Your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful –
I cant take it all in!

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?

to be out of you sight?If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute –
you’re already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
Night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God – you’re breathtaking!
body and soul, I am marvelously made
I worship in adoration – what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.

You thoughts – how rare, how beautiful!
God, I’ll never comprehend them!
I couldn’t even begin to count them –
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers – out of here! –
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, GOD,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!


Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I’m about,
See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong –
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

At this point in my life, I'm feeling so insecure, troubled and burden. And even as I type my deepest thoughts about my struggles here, I wonder if I am being judged.

Seeking for my self-worth again. I forget.

Cries of Independance

Happy 48th Birthday Malaysia!

The need to think *jolted*

At a time like this, I'm wondering why am I here again. The question of existance has been playing in my head like a broken record. Am I doubting? Not exactly. But more of questioning. I don't understand. I'm so used to accepting things and ways just as they are. I've never questioned much. Why? Maybe I wanted to spare myself from the trouble of finding answers. Maybe I might never find the asnwers I want and have to live the rest of my life with a nagging unanswered question. All these 'maybe's has taken a tol on me now. I accept things to easily. I get conned to often. This simplicity has helped on living an easy life thus far. But it's reached this phase where that simplicity has to fall off.

One sign of it, honestly, is when I look at my blog. It's full of crap that I'm ashamed of. Nothing worth reading to be honest. Just ramblings of all kinds. I think twice about posting anything up now, coz my recent entry has been things that even I don't bother reading twice.

That's beside the point. In my comfort (more of 'con'-fort) zone of thinking I know what I needed to know, I was forced to get out of it. There is a wave moving. And one day it hit me. It took me off guard. I realised I knew so little. I realised I didn't have enough. I just couldn't sit down and let it pas by. I just couldn't be in that safety zone of knowing only what I needed to know. In a way, I was forced out of that simplistic state. I was in the midst of thinkers. And I wasn't keeping up.

So here I am. Wondering...questioning... It's time that I not be so naive. Just a few months ago, I was so boldly saying what I felt about my faith and how I based it on. Now I have to swallow my words and go deeper. There is more to my belief and faith than what I thought.

My protective bubble has burst. I got to humbly go this way for awhile. Seeking. Suddenly I'm not so sure anymore.

I still have my faith. But I'm seeking for other answers that I should have sought a long time ago. Eventhough I may not like what I'm going through now, but I have to go through it. Everybody has to go through this phase at least once in their life. Maybe my time is now.

Feels like swallowing the bitter pill. Some good friends really said somethings that were horrible but were in actual fact, truth that I needed to hear. It sucks.

Don't be surprised if I start thinking aloud in my blog. I haven't lost my faith. I'm just seeking more.

God, where are You in all these? I don't understand.

...

Finding my existance again
This cloud of insecurity wrap so tight
I can't breathe
I can't see
I need to find meaning
I need to find the significance
Of this life I'm living
Am I living?
Or
Am I leaving?
I'm no different from you, you and you
But I try so hard to be
Only to find my struggles are the same
My weakness similar
Weary of being who I'm not supposed to be
Strike me down....

What I got...

This year's birthday celebration has been a pretty quiet one. Must be due to the haze. Chased all my buddies away. Wish I could have gone out with all my close friends and at least celebrate over a 'happy' meal.

Anyways, here's some birthday shouts!

Happy Birthday Jia Wern, Desmond & Alicia !!!
I feel my birthday is so much more special & memorable coz I share it with the 3 of you!
On the other hand, 3 extra presents to buy:P . Hehe.
Anyways, God bless you all abundantly this coming year:D

Also on the same note, Happy Birthday Jacintha!! ( note the color blue ).
Though your birthday is 2 days away, you'll always be treated as an August kid like the rest of us:P Great having to celebrate with you.


On the other hand, I got myself a birthday gift. A sad story of buying a present to give to myself. But whatever, as long as I get to pamper myself a 'lil on this special day.

Meet the new addition

Looks familiar? This little guy is way smaller. See for yourself.





However, I don't have a name for it yet. What the heck? I don't even have a name for the big one. I suck at giving names to my pets. Feels gay. Don't ask me why.

What happens on birthdays

I've been one to eat almost anything that is considered 'food substance'. I've tasted most things without much of a hassle. I shrug off what people whine as 'gross'. Of course, I don't eat shit, literally. But what I consume out of the blue is usually 'shit' for the 'weak-hearted'.

Well, I have finally found something 'food' but with the qualities of 'shit' that has really left me blinking. The usual birthday ceremony will include either a trashing of such proportion that your clothes stink for days, or in my case, I HAD to eat some crappy concoction of harmless food, that when combined together, produces a develish delicacy only for the unfortunate birthday kid-A once in a lifetime experience. In my case, that bloody thing was shoved into my mouth by tremendous force (think Chee Yong).

The speciality presented to me was 2 pieces of delicious Chipsmore Chocolate Chip Cookies (one of my favourite, after, Famous Amos and Tesco's) with a thick (when I say thick, I mean like 1cm thick) layer of green, juicy Wasabi paste. From the moment I set eyes on it, It spelled DOOM right smack in the middle of the harmless Chipsmore Cookies.. Although I eat almost anything that is edible, I've learnt to respect the the simple Wasabi paste. Something so 'green' should never be taken lightly, or uncharacteristically. Whenever I hear the phrase, "Green with envy"....*pop*....Wasabi green.

Well, before I could say "MAMA', *poof* it disappeared into my mouth. All I could remember next was the usual 'shooting-up-your-nose' pain. Tears started forming with a touch of nausea. I chewed as best I could to grind that unholy crap in my mouth to bits so that I could at least let my stomach deal with it. But no matter how hard I tried, the 'goo-ier' it became, till it was just slosh swimming in my mouth. My 'fans' were cheering me on with taunts like : "Be a Man" & "Do the Right thing". At that point, the right thing was to just puke all over them. Serve them all.

For one, goo in your mouth is not a good sign. Number 2, 'up-your-nose' kinda pain, just makes you want to rip your head off. Number 3, with tears blocking your vision, you can't really aim who you wanna puke on. Number 4, with all of these going on at the same time, and the fact is no matter how hard I try to swallow that evil slosh, I just need to get it out of my system.

So there, I let my horrible fans down. I puked it all out. I tried. I seriously did. Heart, Soul, Mind & Body..Spirit also. It just won't go down. Each time I tried, nausea hits me right there.

I've learnt a new-found respect for wasabi, and I bow down to those who just gobble up that greenish crap with ease. ( It goes for the sick people who use their nose instead).

What a birthday *sigh*

view at own risk

Born in the....

Happy Birthday to ME!!

22 years on and counting!

Been so blessed. God I'm waiting for more.

God, thank You!

Awesome!

Singapore

I'm back...from Singapore that is:p My trip in one word : Awesome! I admit that I'm in that danger zone of falling love with Singapore. hehe.

The last time I was in that tiny country was 12 years ago. And it has developed so much. Sadly to say, I think it's more developed than Malaysia. But I still love Malaysia. Why? I'm still wondering. Anyways, I really like the landscape. It's literally green....almost everywhere. And there are lots of trees everywhere too. trees, grass, anything green. it's all there. When I see Singapore, I think 'system-ed' and 'organized'. It's so well planned. Sometimes, I wish Malaysia was like that. Not the 'kiasu' part of it, but rather how things are so well runned. Honestly, I haven't been exposed to the 'kiasu-ness' of the Singapore culture. So I shall not comment on that. But what I did see, I liked it. Though Singapore is governed by many rules and regulations, and not to forget the numerous fines that they keep issuing out for all the minute stuff, it has really caused the country to be where it is now.

For a 3 day visit, and as 'friggin' tourists' , we managed to cover a lot of places. We managed to visit the famous Science Center and the Zoo....for free! Thanks to Audrey's aunt and her contacts, we got off from paying a hefty sum to visit those places. The sucky thing was that it rained so heavily while we were at the zoo. We slushed around in the rain from animal enclosure to another. What really amazed me at the zoo was that Polar Bears are actually the largest land carnivores. They were huge. Like big! And I also saw land tortoises that weigh 300++ kgs. 4 of them! They were so huge, that they are not like the cute tortoise that I'm currently having. They reminded me of the dinosaurs. Their heads were the size of my hand. Go figure how big their bodies were. And also, the dugongs! Mien! Those animals are also huge. I saw a few 'gliding' in the water, and it really freaked me out. They were like 2+ metres long and their body diameter was half the size of a car. All the animals that fascinated me were the HUGE ones.

Other than the animals, I had my first taste of Ben & Jerry's Ice-cream. This ice-cream is an equivalent to Baskin Robin's and Haagen Daz. According to a text-book, Ben & Jerry's can only be found in the USA coz their market is so wide and good that they didn't have to bother exporting it to other countries. So, I always thought that eating, or even seeing Ben & Jerry's would be an eventful thing. So I was surprised that Singapore have their own Ben & Jerry's, and of all places, at the Zoo. It was nice stuff man. *Sweet*.

Though the 1$ singapore dollar is equivalent to RM 2.257, I still found some things cheaper than in Malaysia, even after conversion. I wish I had more time shopping.I sound so 'girl' now. But I really wished I had more time to go get stuff. We were most of the time rushing from one place to another. That explains why we could cover so much in just 3 days. We managed to visit Daiso, a $2 shop that sold everything from food to gardening stuff to kitchen stuff and all the what nots. All for $2 only! And the store was big! Usually in Malaysia, RM 4.99 shops are quite small and very limited. But over there, the shop was like 10 times bigger than the ones we find over here. So I was frantically poring over all the 'goodies'. So typical of me.

I walked the famed roads of Orchard. I visited Holland Village. Both this places remind me of Bintang Walk and Bangsar, respectively. Somehow, the air was cleaner and less polluted. I visited Tan Tock Seng Hospital. What amazes me is that this hospital is supposed to be a public hospital, but the standard is like our private hospitals here. Thers is a Starbucks, 7-Eleven, Kopitiam and alot of other shops that made the ground floor of the hospital look like a shopping mall.

The main objective of me going to Singapore was to go guitar shop hunting. And guitar shop huny we did. I only managed to visit 2 shops : Swee Lee and Davis. There were a lot of other smaller shops that I can't remember their names. But these 2 shops were my destination. Things there seem a lot cheaper. I bought loads of guitar strings coz they were cheap. Bought a few other goodies as well. Guitars there are way cheaper compared to Malaysia. hehe. Thinking of buying a new guitar already:p

Anyways, I regret not eating Mos Burger.

So much I wanted to see. Will go there again...soon..i hope.

break

In exactly 6 hours from now, I'll be on the road leading to Singapore. It's the mid-trimester break, and being back here in Melaka has been refreshing. My family is really a treasure. So far, all is gud. Wish the hols were longer. But, trying to live in the moment.

The last time I was in Singapore, I was 10. That was 12 years ago. I wonder what Singapore is like now. I'll find out soon enough. This is really a 'just-do-it' thing. Didn't plan much. Just gonna be a "friggin' tourist" for the next few days. Will probably be walking the streets of Singapore with a map in hand. Will be stepping back on Malaysian soil by Friday. Main agenda while I'm there: Guitar shop hunting! I've heard news that guitar stuff over there is 'dirt cheap'. How true it is, I'm going to find out.

I'm excited! But am I really? I'm not sure.

Sometimes I feel there's got to be more than what I'm living for. Why do I feel that I'm still missing something? Why do I still feel a void? Sometimes things just get to me and I feel like crumbling inside. Is it just me?

*not thinking*

Crushed.

"You guys didn't make it."
A sense of disappointment and failure swept right thru me when I received those words. It was the fate of my band's audition for AudioWarfare 2005. I coudn't comprehend the feeling at that moment. The other bands hadn't heard news of the results yet, neither did my other band members. I was the first to hear it. And as I sat there, all the thoughts ran through my head of where we went wrong.

It was a terrible blow to me personally. As a band, we had invested alot of time and money within that one month we practiced together. We had high hopes of winning, what more, to pass the auditions. The long wait for the results was something similar to waiting for my exam results. When I heard that we didn't get in, it was as if, I saw an F for failed on my result slip.

I was told that our band made it to the top 15 but not close enough to clinche top 10. Somehow, our best wasn't good enough. The feedback was, as a band, we were quite tight, except for a stray guitar now and then. Some parts, we weren't exactly with each other. We lost marks for that. Our vocals weren't that impressive. That was another factor. And we did a cover song. We lost marks for originality. We didn't know that if we had our own song, the mark add-up would be higher. Because of this, we took so much pain to perfect the song the way we heard it played. We weren't informed that originality weighed 20% of the overall results.

After such a long wait, that was really disappointing and sad news. I didn't know how to tell the rest of my band members. I felt sorry for them. We had given our best, but it wasn't enough to get us through. I felt heavy.

That night, Chee Kah came over, and we just sat down quietly, not doing anything. We sat in silence. I guess that was our way with coping with grief. I just can't express in words how I felt. But I bet Chee Kah felt the same. It was a mixture of loss, defeat, failure, waste, anger, sadness, missed opportunities, depression and a few more a rolled into one. Our hopes of playing for the finals were dashed. We had built our hopes so high that this fall was gonna hurt so bad. One word that could describe that moment : Crushed!

It felt as if everything we had worked for had been crushed. One of my dreams while in uni was to be able to play for AudioWarfare. I had that chance. But now, I missed it altogether. Since I'll be graduating next year, this was my last attemt at making it. This chance will never come by again.

But at least, I tried. Though we failed, we all knew that we have given our best. And there are a lot of other things other than AudioWarfare. But somehow, I can't shake of that feeling of defeat just yet.

The Auditions

By 10am, I already found myself stuck in Subang's morning-market jam. With only 6 hours sleep the night before, I had to brace myself for the long grueling hours ahead of sitting in the jamming studio. Besides being a participator for the auditions, I was also part of the organizing and working committee of AudioWarfare 2005. So unlike all my other band members, I coudln't skit off after the auditions but had to continue managing the situation at the studio.

It was tension building. One band after another started filling the tiny Rhythmix Studio. Chee Kah and I were acting bouncers an we basically managed the in-flow and out-flow of the participating bands. On our list, we had 33 bands that registered for an audition. 33 bands!! if each band was given 10 mins hearing, that would require 330 mins, close to 6 hours. Add lunch break time and all the other time-wasters, it stretched on for 10 hours. That's nearly double the time! And that was exactly how long I was stuck in the studio, from 10 am till 7 pm.

My band was really excited. We met up early to have lunch together and discuss our final strategy. The Melakan band, PG165, also made it. It was good to see them. Anyways, my day started with a slight fever and a sore throat. The cough was also building. However, it subsided by the time my turn for the audition came.

We entered the studio, and set-up as fast as we could. Did all the necessary sound checks and we were off. We started loud just as we had planned. I couldn't think anymore. My mind was racing. Adrenaline was pumping. And by the middle of the 1st verse, I realised I was out of breath. Due to all the excitement and anxiety, my heart was beating faster than I could imagine and I was breathless. During the song, we did a derivation of the original song by mistake. It wasn't a blunder. Just that of all the times we had practiced, we 'accidentally' added an extra bar to the pre-chorus of the song "Open Your Eyes" by Alter Bridge, this time round. Somehow, we managed to get over it fast enough without making it look like a mistake. There was energy in the air. We played our hearts out and sang our lungs out. It was the best playing so far for some of us. By the time the song was over, which was pretty quick, we heaved a sigh of relief. Finally, we had auditioned. All the long hours of practicing the month before will be decided by this fateful rendition. The 10 mins we were in the studio would be evaluated if it were fit for the real thing.

As we got back to the waiting room, we realised we were sweating. We had never perspired so much before during our practices. And I remember my leg trembling as I toyed with my wah-pedal during the song. We thought we did good enough. We gave our best. Now, we just had to wait. And see. Next band up was PG 165.

After everything was done, my band members went of but Chee Kah and I were still obliged to stay and carry on our bouncer duties once again. To make matters worse, the other waiting bands started their smoking. It was a killer. It felt as if I was smoking too.

At 7pm, when all the bands had auditioned, Chee Kah and I waited and waited as the rest of the upper committee went off to finalise the marks of the audition together with the judges. It was a long and depressing wait. We heard that there were other bands who were pretty good. And that minimised our chances of clinching a place in the finals. As we waited, I could feel a sence of heaviness just set in. I don't know why, but I was already preparing for the worse.

By nite, the results still weren't out. There were a few more details that was being scrutinised. I'm feeling the tension of wanting to know my results. It's the kind of wait that seems to last forever. I am just waiting.


Amplify

All the best to me.

The Road To Audio Warfare 2005

This coming 21st July would be the big day for Audio Warfare 2005 ; it's MMU's version of battle of the bands. The tension is building. People are talking about it. Bands are preparing for it. Before this Big day, I have another obstacle to face : the Auditions. It's this coming Saturday ( 16th July). Actually, it's just tomorrow.

The road that I've taken till now has been a very exciting one. This is my final year in uni, and this will be my last chance to compete in a music competition of this magnitude. Ever since I steped into uni, I've been encouraged and spurred on by many friends to take part...and if possible, win. It's been 4 years now since that realisation of that dream occured. Somehow, when the time came, I would be unpreprared. I had no band and I was searching. It's so difficult sometimes to find a band. You just need the right amount of chemistry among the musicians to get the ball rolling. So far, I've only participated in 2 music competitions in MMU. The first time, I was a last minute bassist. They needed a bassist and i managed to fill in. It was MMUSICS : The Acoustic Session in 2002. Surprisingly, we won.

The follwoing year, I was asked to play guitar for my senior's band. Not having an electric guitar then, I was still enthusiastic to join. We made it through the auditions. But on that night of the competition, we didn't do well enough to win. That's been my experience so far.

All this while, I've been looking for a permanent band to play in. I would find a drummer and a singer, then I would lose the bassist , then the drummer goes missing and somehow the pieces just couldn't fit. There was a year when I had the opportunity to play with a good keyboardist and singer, but somehow, our entry form was late, and we had to be turned down:( It was missed opportunity. After a while, my dream of playing in audiowarfare faded. I just couldn't see how things were gonna work out. I wanted something more than just a performance on that night; I was looking for a bunch of people whom I could make music with. Somehow use music as a reach out point. I almost got it all together. Then internal conflicts came in the way and tore all that up. Shattered again.

This year, Joshua had a bright spark, and he really went all out to get the various people to make this dream work. At least, the part of playing for Audiowarfare would come to past. That's all I felt I could achieve for now.

The journey thus far has only been a short, yet exciting one. We only met about less than a month ago to form this band. 6 of us. I do not know how long this connection will last, but it will do till after Audio Warfare. Pieces started to fit in. Joshua being the force behind the scenes. He pulled everyone together. 6 of us : Joshua on Drums, Chee Kah on bass, Chang Shen and Chuah on electric guitars and Chee Meng and I on Electric guitars and vocals. Ever since that meet-up, we've been meeting in the studio to practice and make this work. So far, all's been good. There were the up times, there were also the down times. But we pulled through.

Our journey so far has brought us to slightly more than a couple of long hours at the jamming studio. There was a time we had to practice from 11pm till 2 am in the morning. What unearthly hour was that for making music? On our journey, we also had the opportunity to do a studio recording of our songs. It was a whole new thing for me. We had to play on a track-by-track basis. First, our instruments were recorded. Then later, our voices. We had to be precise and sharp. Then I had to go into the studio with Chee Meng, just the 2 of us to do a recording of our voices. It was frightening. With a mike that can pick up nearly everything, we had to be in form with our voices and pronounciation. what was supposed to be a 2 hours norm turned out to be a 4 hour experience. The consoling fact : even if we do not make it past the auditions, we still had our recording.

I got to admit, I am disappointed with the way I sing, but I guess there is nothing more to do than practice and practice. We do not know if we can make it, but we are working as if we've already made it.

Back to the present, the Audition is tomorrow, but I'm down with cough, flu and a fever. What right timing this is. I hope I recover fast enough. I don't want to let my band members down. If you are reading this, please pray for my fast recovery. God bless.

my current desktop

The One-Stop-Centre

Welcome to the One-Stop-Centre
It has almost everything you might need
When you feel the need to surf, instantly it becomes a cybercafe
With broadband, the world is at your fingertips
Not forgetting superb printing services
All the paper and ink you need
Other stationaries available (eg: puncher and stapler)
Feeling thirsty? No worries
In a moment, it becomes a drink joint
Also, food is easily accessible
You will never go hungry
Feeling tired and sleepy
The facility provides adequate rest areas
You are sure to get all the peace and quiet you need
Need music?
This is the right stop
With 40 gigs of songs, you will never go bored
Need a change of clothes?
Well, the limited variety we have should be sufficient for your style
Feeling emotionally burdened and need to unload
An eager ear will always be ready to listen to your needs
Befrienders is at your service
Need transport? you bet we have it
With just a phonecall or an sms a way
You get to travel as far as the petrol holds
What more do you need?
Our services is 24 hours a day
7 days a week
and 365.25 days a year
At any time if the day, you can always get what you want
Is there anything you need?
Write in and maybe we could work out a solution for all your needs
While you are here, hope you enjoy your stay
And may it be a pleasant one
Cheerio

Life...

"Life is like a bed of roses"

Disclaimer: Roses have thorns, not one, but loads of them.

Implication: Life does look nice and rosy, until you actually get there. And then you find that underneath the soft petals, are thousands of prickly thorns. That's like all the crap that takes place. However, Life is indeed beautiful.

catch me up

It's been awhile since I last posted anything. Wonder if anyone missed me. So many things been going on. I looked at this trimester's schedule and I think to myself that I'll have lots of free time. However, between those empty slots on my timetable, there were so many thinss that happened. Good and bad ones. Can say I'm enjoying myself. I've been so busy that I don't even have time for myself.

The first week being back here, I had to study for my Maths 5 supp paper. So for the whole week, while all my other friends were enoying themselves and lepaking, I and a few others were busy in the library. Every free moment we had, in between classes, we had to study. So unusual. I had to miss the chill-out sessions held by the CF for the noobs in campus. When Friday came, I was more than relieved to sit for the paper. I just wanted to get over it. To be honest, I just gave my best. I really don't know if my best was good enough. Time will tell. Immediately after the test...before the test, I only had about 5 hours of sleep....I had a CF committee planning retreat at Camerons. And I drove all the way. 5 hours of driving. Besides planning, I really enjoyed the cool weather. Then on Sunday, I was back on sea-level again, supposedly ready to start the trimester properly. But I took the 2nd week as holiday for myself, since I had to study for the first week while others still holiday-ed:p

All of a sudden, I was so free, that I didn't know what to do. Like I wanted to go and study, and I think to myself, what to study. So I ended joining friends on their shopping and makan expeditions.

What's happened to me so far :
1.I got a new piercing ( an impulsive act, compared to the first time )
2.I got a hair cut ( my mum said i could cut anything excet for the bald look )
3.Met a few friends I could chill out with ( went for snooker and pool and we yum-cha-ed till the sun came up )
4.Got my FYP title that I was hoping for ( gonna build a light sabre )

So much to do and say. Only for my ears. Here I'm gonna be off to Port Dickson soon to meet my dad and mum and siss.

The Final Lap : Pure Joy!

And so the trimester begins. I'm in my final year now! Wow! Four years have passed by so quickly. The hype used to be our SPM examination. Now, it's about Final Year Projects ( FYP ) and Industrial Training. I have one more year to go before I step out into the working world. This realisation is slowly setting in. Quite scary, come to think of it. I'm reaching the era when I can no longer be branded a 'uni kid' or just 'kid' for that matter. It's that step my dad and mum had to take when they were my age too. I'm just walking that same path...for now.

One more year. One more chance to make things happen. One more round of the routine. Or could it be, one more round into the unknown? One last chance to meet all the people you want to meet in university. One more chance to do all that you can and want as a student. One last opputunity to compete.

Well, I just got my FYP title yesterday. Will be doing this project with Joshua. With everyone rushing for similar topics, we were quite anxious to get our particular title. We prayed and God answered. Now, we got what we wanted. But is it what we really wanted? We're having second thoughts. But, I'm excited. This will be my first chance to assemble a real Light Sabre! How awesome is that? ok, so it isn't exactly a Light Sabre...Saber, whatever! But it still has something to do with laser and optics and fibers.

Our target : get it working so wickedly good, that we can publish a journal on our studies and development of this fiber optic laser and maybe get paid for our design. The lecturer told us, that if we can make it this far, we'd get an A for our FYP. I know it's a long shot, but we have to start somewhere. Who knows, if we miss this, we might still end up with a Light Saber...if Joshua fails to keep my ideas under control *snickers*. I can feel the force, and it's pretty dark.

Next boulder to jump over for now : Maths 5.

Sometimes, obstacles are in the way, so that we are able to put our faith to the test. We do not find problems, but funnily, it will fall out of the sky rite in our way. And when our faith is tested, it develops perseverance in us. Perseverance is a much needed agent for us to fully develop into mature and complete beings, not lacking anything. Time is the essence. That's the problem with instant noodles and fast food. It satisfies hunger at the expanse of total development. And in James 1, it tells us to count all of these as Pure Joy! How nutty is that idea? Pure Joy to face life's crap? Well, you heard it. It may be crap for now, but the final outcome, that is if we are still alive, will lead us on to becoming better beings. So the ultimatum : count the Pure Joy packs that come your way. Woohoo! I feel the joy! Can you feel it?

As Andrew Matthews said , "when you decide to challenge Life, Life always wins". Quite true. So let's just take what Life gives us and make a theme park ticket of it. Roller Coasters are more fun when you got a bunch of freaked-out people sitting together. Don't wait for the Ride to come to an end before you start enjoying life. Why not enjoy and appreciate life while you're still doing the Triple Corkscrew. The view from up there is just awesome.

The Little One

The latest addition to my life.
Been eyeing this lil dude since I was in Form 5, about 5 years ago. Finally, our paths has somehow crossed. Due to certain economic situation, the shopkeeper allowed me to bag this guy for slightly less than half the price.
However, I still do not have a name for him/her. I just can't figure tortoises out. I'm not sure if it is a he or a she. Anyways, I'm looking for a name for it. Feel free to contribute your ideas.

somebody's got to do it....

I don't know if I'm wrong, or even right,
I don't know anymore
How much trying do I need to do
To see myself worthy
Even bending light is easier
Somehow things look the same
On both sides of the prism
But we can't even see eye to eye
My view is so different
On your side of the world
The grass seems always browner
On my side of the fence
I can't ask to be understood anymore
I surrender trying
Someone's got to do it
Someone's got to be the sacrifice
Lay down my pride
To keep the peace
I hope you understand

....I'm sorry.
I'm not perfect.

why?

...disappointed...

Cambodia from the sky

Thinking bout Cambodia

What I learned in Cambodia :

• The capital of Cambodia is Phnom Penh ( pronounced as Peh-nom Pen-h ).
• In Malaysia, we call them 'states', in Cambodia, they're called 'provinces'.
• Cambodia is one hour earlier than Malaysia.
• Basically, you don't really refer to the locals as Cambodian, but rather as Khmer ( pronounced as Keh-mair ).
• Everyone speaks Khmer ( refer to pronounciation above ), and most are trying to learn English. Somehow, they know that English rocks! The older folks know a bit of French. I bet they were more romantic at one point in time. jet'aime.
• The two biggest towns in Cambodia are Phnom Penh and Siem Riep. Siem Riep is where Angkor Wat is. For more information of Angkor Wat, go to www.google.com and key in Angkor Wat. Siem Riep is where all the culture is. The locals told me, " If you've not been to Siem Riep, you've not been to Cambodia". Well, I've not been to Cambodia then.
• The word Kampong does exist in Cambodia. It means 'port'.
• The word 'Chup' means 'stop' in Khmer. Guess Coca-Cola imported the word from Cambodia. Chup, Coca-Cola!
• In Cambodia, you use US dollars to get around. For items less than 1USD, you use Riel, their local currency. 1USD = 4000Riel = RM4. Well, almost:P
• Though they were colonised by the French for awhile, the American influnce is really strong. Anyways, they drive left-hand-drive cars on the right-side of the road, the total opposite of Malaysia.
• The roads in Phnom Penh are primarily dirt roads except for the main road, which are tarred. Each stretch of main road is sponsored by some country. The stretch of road that was sponsored by our Malaysian government had the timer system:P *hehe*
• "You think this is your father's road, ah?" applies very much in Cambodia. The roads are mainly filled with motorbikes and it is so congested. However, the traffic is always flowing. But, if someone feels like stopping on the road to talk to his friend, you can't do anything about it. The saying goes : I bang you, I pay. You bang me, I pay also :(
• It was a joy to see Petronas and Maybank and Telekom Malaysia in Cambodia. Not to forget, there was this Klang Boy Bak Kut Teh shop somewhere. Malaysian influence.
• In Malaysia, if you do not have a job when you're older than 25, and not studying, people think you're a bum. In Cambodia, it's common. Most people are too poor to go to university. It's about 100USD a year in university, but they do not have that kind of money to spend. If you can't speak English, it's hard to find a job. 2 main criteria's for landing a job includes : a degree or certificate and English. If you lack one, you can't find a job. That's how it is over there. A lot of people my age are just lepaking everyday, literally!
• Motorbikes are really usefull over there. You can take almost anything with a motorbike. While I was there, these are some of the items I saw being transported on a bike: fridge, washing machine, half-side of an iron gate ( the one that is used for houses), sewing machine ( the big-old-traditional ones ), and alot of other things, including 4 people!
• You don't need a motorbike license. You don't need to pay road tax. You just need to pay the road cops 'coca-cola' money.
• In the village, the houses are not too different from the ones we have in Malaysia, except, there are lots of pigs roaming around.
• In the village, there is no electricity, and it allows you to see the stars at night. It's really beatiful. Imagine, the sky dotted with stars everywhere....everywhere. So clearly. Makes you wonder how it was like when Abraham looked up in the sky when God told him his descendants would be like the stars in the sky. In KL, the skyline is heavy with bright lights. Makes the sky look red all the time, without the stars:(
• It is so 'nice' to bathe at the well, clad only in your underwear, with 2 other close-to-naked guys, in the darkness, lighted only by the stars and the moon overhead.
• It was so hot in the village! So so so HOT! One packet of ice was all we wanted, and God provided an ice-cream man to come along with some iced-drinks.
• Crickets and cicadas and beetles are delicacies over there. They taste like crap and leave a horrible after-taste in your mouth.
• When you go to the market, you will find loads of DVDs that come from Malaysia. Feels like home.
• Eating meat is rich man's food. Eating vegetables are for poor people.
• You can get alot of books that are sold in Malaysia for a fraction of the price. However, they are not the originals. But, eventhough they are copies, they look as good as the originals. I bought a Lonely Planet Cambodian Guide book for 2USD, slightly less than RM8. In MPH, that same book is selling for RM 92.

There is so much more that I can't really recall right now. But when I remember, I'll add to the list.

The Thinking Well

Things currently on my mind now:

1. My friend in UTM is only paying RM800 a semester for his engineering course. In a year, he has only 2 semesters. So, go figure how much he has to pay a year. Unlike him, I have to pay around RM 10k for the same course in MMU. Somehow, I feel poorer even before I start working. Ok, I said, I 'feel'.
2. Been wanting to get a new pc. Didn't know that buying one is so tedious. So much reading up has to be done. Sadly, the new pc I want to get has overshot my budget by about 1k.
3. My supplementary paper...on the 17th of June. Time is running out. I've gone thru so many failures that I don't know what to feel anymore. Feels like my streak to perfection has been terribly tainted.
4. Final Year Project (FYP) - So many titles. So many lecturers. Only one title and one lecturer in the end. I don't know what to choose. They tell me to choose something I like. I would, but what are my chances of getting what I like. The effect of failing a few times has dampened my esteem. I'm so afraid to set my heart on my topic and my lecturer for fear of rejection. Then I have to start the selection process all over again. I'm looking for someone to partner with. Teamwork. But is my past failures a reason why I might do this project alone?
5. Industrial Training - I have no idea what company will hire me, or where I might be placed. I'm excited for it. New environment. My final year. What awaits me?
6. Somehow, I'm still missing Cambodia, for the wrong reasons. Cambodia felt like a place of escape. When I was there, I was away from the routine life of studying. The life of a student. I didn't have to think of my own academic achievements. If only I was back there. I would be happily teaching the kids English and preaching the Word of God. Time isn't right yet. Would love to go back there again though.
7. What happens when I graduate? Will I get a great job? Will I make it big in life?

So many things swimming in my head. So many uncertainties. God, I need to trust You. I need.

Quote for the day :

Pray as if everything depends on God
Work as if everything depends on you

My Lifeline

My fingers clumsily tread the keyboard. Foreign and out of place. It's been a long time since I let my fingers do the talking of my heart. Traces of fear linger. Fear that somebody might be offended. Fear that what I say will be misunderstood as weakness.

This is my life
It's about time I personalised it


My fingers scream from the cuts
Of holding on too dearly
My lifeline used to be a single strong Cord
Unbreakable
As the seasons changed
My cord got thicker and thicker
Lined with perishables
Though thick, it was weak
My hands grew smaller
Among the mass of tangled priorities
My grip weakened
Slipping
The cords were just too many for me to hold
Insecure
Still holding on so tight
A knife had to cut the weaker cords
As it weaved through the air
I cried as I saw one by one
The unimportant chords drop
Those were dear to me
Yet not as important
By the time it was over
Only a few strands were left in my hand
The few major lifelines I had started out initially
I looked at my hands
I saw the scar of the cuts
The cuts from holding on dearly
To the one Cord
Now I remember so clearly
The passion
The desire
The fire
It's about time for ignition
Somehow
The scarred hand seem to grip the cords perfectly
The groove left by the scars
Carefully enveloped each cord
Now I understand